My mood has been absolutely deplorable for the past month or so. I honestly don't know how to begin to describe how bad it is. I have a lot of the "negative" symptoms, a profound deficit of positive affect. Nothing in life gives me pleasure, suicidal thoughts begin to surface, and I sometimes descend further into psychotic depression. These are my depressive episodes. I don't know how else to paint the picture more thoroughly because I never know what to say, and it really bothers me when I'm like that when I'm around my boyfriend. I want to talk, but I can never think of anything to say, so I rely on him to start conversations.
I don't get it... Dopamine has been posited to be a central neurotransmitter in the pathenogenesis of anhedonia, and I'm on multiple meds that supposedly on their own and in combinations with other meds I'm taking can treat anhedonia. What am I missing??
I'm on Dexedrine up to 60 mg as needed, Vyvanse 50 mg, Wellbutrin 200 mg, Viibryd 40 mg (increases dopamine via postsynaptic 5-HT1A receptor stimulation), Vraylar 3 mg... What else could possibly help?
There's no relief in sight when I'm like this.
My brief period (6 months) on Sertraline has been that it sapped my creativity and basically made me not want to do anything, not feel anything. I just sit at the computer and watch videos and occasionally walk around, or eat, or go to the bathroom. I just don't have any drive to really do very much of anything, except what is needed for continued survival. I don’t even want to watch movies and series!
Is that normal?
I've been taking Sertraline (50mg daily) for 9 months now.
Reason for taking Sertraline: Depression & SAD. Maybe some GAD.
So Sertraline treats my baseline anxiety quite well, also got rid of digestion problems, but I am struggling with side effects:
Motor restlessness, agitation. I've always been quite "hyperactive", but Sertraline has worsened it by a good amount. I cannot sit still, I feel I have to walk, to pace. I move my fingers and toes to "release" some of the energy. Also lots of fidgeting, rocking back and forth. I have the urge to crawl out of my skin.
_ Indifference, amotivation, apathy, lethargy. I get less things done on Sertraline than before Sertraline. Just want to sit around and do nothing. It is really disconcerting, because things would happen like a major car malfunction or someone f*ck*ng me over and I'd be thinking "this SHOULD piss me off, but, meh.. whatever.."! I've been doing some reading & research and there is the hypothesis that SSRI-induced-stimulation of 5HT2C & 5HT2A receptors dampens the dopaminergic transmission in the prefrontal cortex thus causing these specific SSRI side effects. Antagonism / Inverse Agonism of these receptors should theoretically resolve the problem. What medications do antagonize / inverse agonize these receptors? Are there any other reliable theories on what is causing this? And what could help?
_ Sleep disturbances, f*ck*d up sleep cycle, crappy sleep. Falling asleep is difficult, shallow sleep, waking up a lot in the night => daytime fatigue. (This week I've been sleeping a lot, maybe because the body wants to compensate for last months's bad sleep?)
_ Heat intolerance + hot flashes. My entire life I've been loving warmth and heat. I was the guy who could sit at the top row in the sauna for 20min @ 100°C (212 °F), but right now I cannot even stand a mild summer. And I have been getting hot flashes lasting between 10-15 mins several times a day (I am a 29 year old male, so pretty sure it is not menopause related)
_ I also lost quite a bit of weight, partially due to loss of appetite, but also due to increased metabolic rate. My appetite is back to normal, but I am still not gaining any weight. BMI 20 right now.
_ Palpitations (BUM BUM BUM BUM. BUM . . . BUM . . . BUM)
_ mild headaches and "pressure" in my neck. Nothing bad, but very annoying in the mid and long term. Now I don't know what to do. I need some meds with "less" side effects. I haven't tried any combination of medications yet. To my dismay my doc prefers the SSRI merry go around aka SSRI carousel. I found a new psychiatrist and I will have a first appointment in about a month, but I don't know what to suggest to him. Has anybody some experience with a similar situation? Which antidepressant would be suitable for me? If there is someone who had the same problem and found some solution: please write me. Thank you. Greetings from Germany!
Now several of my friends are aware of my self harm, and they have been giving me so much emotional support and surrounded me with positivity. I was texting one of them yesterday and I told her I was three days clean, and she said every three days I'm clean she would give me one of her gogos (they're cute toy things). I heavily insisted and said she really didn't have to, but she wanted to, she said she's doing it for me. I am so grateful I have such great friends to support me through this, thank you.
I said in the previous post I was challenging myself to stay clean. It's pretty difficult. The first few days were pretty good, I had no urge to cut at all. But in the last twenty four hours I have been very close, I literally had the blade so close to my skin. But I said no, I can't do this, I have to be clean. But everytime I say that the urge grows. Right now, October 1st, I have been clean for eleven days.