pieces of me

[daemongrrl]

Not really expecting any response, but just funky right now. I used to always crash in January, to the point that I called any crash "being January," but haven't actually crashed in January in a long time. Now, I feel like I'm on this roller coaster from hell. Mostly, I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm not on meds, and won't be, for awhile (I'm trying to get pregnant, and am BPII/depressed...god knows which) so I'm trying to pull back up myself. With varying degrees of success. I get frustrated with the moods now, which is good, and don't tend to really let them rule, but it's hard not to, when they're being so all-pervasive. I'm dealing with a ton of stuff in therapy right now that's really freaking me out, and doesn't seem to be helping, though I'm assured it will eventually.

I think I'm just tired of staying up all night thinking about how come I can't get all this in order. It's this cyclical thing, too, because staying up or having nightmares causes my brain to go funky more, which causes me to stay up or have nightmares more, around and around until I want to scream.

This is all pointless (not life; I'm not there yet, though I worry when it'll come creeping in ). I just needed to kvetch for a bit, I suppose. i'm feeling lonely and support-less, despite being more surrounded by friends and support than I ever have been during any prior crash.

*screams into the night*

/meaningless ravings

[celestia]

Not really expecting any response, but just funky right now. I used to always crash in January, to the point that I called any crash "being January," but haven't actually crashed in January in a long time. Now, I feel like I'm on this roller coaster from hell. Mostly, I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm not on meds, and won't be, for awhile (I'm trying to get pregnant, and am BPII/depressed...god knows which)

Hi, I'm wondering if your docs took you off meds during the "try to get pregnant" phase. I know there are relatively safe ADs to take when pregnant, surely there is something for you while your not, but trying. Being depressed and pregnant/nursing and meds is complicated. Been there. I don't know if this is your first attempt/child, but being unmedicated in a severe depression can often be more detrimental than potential side effects from meds. Your fetus doesn't really start to feed from you until after implantation of the embryo anyhow. If you haven't already, talk about this with your pdoc and ob/gyn. Going into a pregnancy depressed is bad enough, coming out of pregnancy, post-partum with depression is killer. Literally in some cases. Get some GOOD advice on this and for heaven's sake, please don't take these matters into your own hands. It's noble to want to prepare your vessel to be as pure as possible for new life, but it can be dangerous with MI. For you and your baby to come. I speak from experience, it's hell.

Once you become pregnant is another matter, and again requires discussion, weighing of the options--what's best for you and your unborn child. During pregnancy, it does seem that the hormones level out depression, at least that was my experience. I managed both pregnancies unmedicated, but I didn't stop taking meds til I was already preggers. Then, with number two, I was soooooo depressed, I said to the nurses, "give me Prozac, and give the baby a bottle." I nursed the first one and nearly killed myself with the post-partum depression. But I felt nursing was more important than my mental health. That was before I learned a lot more about my illness.

so I'm trying to pull back up myself. With varying degrees of success. I get frustrated with the moods now, which is good, and don't tend to really let them rule, but it's hard not to, when they're being so all-pervasive. I'm dealing with a ton of stuff in therapy right now that's really freaking me out, and doesn't seem to be helping, though I'm assured it will eventually.

Not suggesting you quit therapy, but maybe you and tdoc could set some boundaries about what issues are delved into during this delicate emotional time. Maybe you could focus more on being anticipatory of strategies you are going to use when your baby comes for self-care, etc., so you don't tank with a new baby. It takes everything your body has to grow and birth a baby. 

I think I'm just tired of staying up all night thinking about how come I can't get all this in order. It's this cyclical thing, too, because staying up or having nightmares causes my brain to go funky more, which causes me to stay up or have nightmares more, around and around until I want to scream.

This is where I'm at. It's wretched. I can't wait til dawn, I hate when I wake up and it's still dark. 

This is all pointless (not life; I'm not there yet, though I worry when it'll come creeping in ). I just needed to kvetch for a bit, I suppose. i'm feeling lonely and support-less, despite being more surrounded by friends and support than I ever have been during any prior crash.

"This is all pointless" is a lie your depression tells you. Try to remember that in your dark times. It's a lie, a misperception, a trick your brain is playing on you.

*screams into the night*

There's a lot of that going on around here! It's a wonder anyone is getting any sleep! 

/meaningless ravings

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Meaningless...NOT. Rave away. You are going to need to rave if you are MI and having a baby. UGH! I don't suppose I could talk you out of it...

Mother of 2, 17 y.o. and 9 y.o. boys,

Suze

[revlow]

I don't have personal experience with this (haven't been pregnant), but since I saw you'd posted in the BP area I thought I'd pass along this info about anticonvulsants / mood stabilizers. Another woman who was in her first trimester started a thread asking about meds. This is what I wrote her:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't know anything about this myself, but I did a quick search at google using "anticonvulsant" and "during pregnancy" and I did find this article: Pregnancy and epilepsy: new hope from a new-ish anticonvulsant. The March 22, 2005 issue of Neurology was largely devoted to the question of epilepsy in pregnancy, and carried three studies of anticonvulsant treatment. One of these followed 414 pregnancies in which Lamictal was the only anticonvulsant used in the first trimester. The results of the Lamictal study look good, with a birth defects rate identical to the general population.

If I were in your shoes, I'd print out this article and talk with both your ob and your pdoc about it.

Here's another article about the studies: New Studies Show Mixed Results on Epilepsy Drugs and Birth Defects. Again about the negative impact of other anticonvulsants, but the good news about Lamictal as well.

Best wishes. Please keep us posted, okay?

revlow

[Libby]

*screams into the night*

There's a lot of that going on around here! It's a wonder anyone is getting any sleep!  smile.gif

I just had to laugh at this, imagining all of us on CB screaming into the night.  Kind of like Laugh-In, when they had that barn wall of windows with people poking their heads out and saying funny stuff.