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My fingers are aching just writing this. A little voice in my head is screaming at me and telling me how stupid I am and how worthless this is. It's telling me "nothing can help! NO one is going to listen to you anyway, let alone understand you." Every time I try talk to someone is person they just put me down and tell me "It's just a phase" or "don't worry, you are still developing" Like WTF do they mean?!?! You can't tell me how I feel! No one will ever know exactly how I feel! I know that what I'm feeling my friends don't feel. They aren't screaming inside, or have to pretend to be happy just to fit in.

I can't even describe how bad this has gotten. Every year it gets worse. Last week I felt like slamming my against a wall, and peeling the skin off my face because their was this thing that I couldn't understand sitting in my head and feeding me all this shit.

Sometimes I sit and stare out my window and look at people passing by. I try to figure out what's going on in their life. They all seem so fucking happy. Like why does staring at your phone and petting your partners leg make you feel content? Why does love make you happy? It just all seems so fucking stupid to me.

Why are people happy living in a world where you have zero freedom. I would get thrown behind bars if I tried to take the resources that earth gives us. We are controlled by money; a useless material that has no value in the world of survival. I just don't get it.

And love, whats with that. Isn't it just for sex? Aside from sex, how is it any different from hanging outwith your friends? And considering that divorces and break ups are common, what's the point of putting yourself in that much pain?

Anyway I just wanted to vent, because I'm pretty lost right now and don't really know what to do about it.

 

 

  
 

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Want to welcome to CB!

I'm sorry you are going through all of this ... sounds very frustrating!

Are you seeing a psychiatrist (pdoc) and/or a therapist (tdoc)?  Are you on any meds currently?

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You are obviously in great pain, but you have come to a place where many people understand what its like to suffer in this way... but also what its like to be relatively content again.

Anyway, a second welcome. If you have any questions about this place feel free to contact the mods, myself included. 

Edited by saintalto

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Yeah, a lot of us have been there in our own way, some of us are still very much there. Your friends are right to a degree though, what you're going through transitory, it won't always been like this. But you need to get help, being alone in your house, subjecting yourself to these thoughts will do no good. All you're doing by staying like that is extending your misery, it doesn't have to be like that. Many of us are slowly winning the battle through various means but we've had to reach out for help.

"If you're going through hell, keep going." - Sir Winston Churchill

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OP, you do need some professional help to work through this....Is there a public mental health facility in your city/county that you could call for assistance?

Or do you already have a psychiatrist or therapist?

Many of us here still struggling, me included....But you need to reach out for help if you're not already receiving some.

Please continue to post and let us know how you're doing.....We do care.

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