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I think that is a very individual thing. Why I bother may not be why you would bother. But I do think it is always worth bothering, whatever the reasons for it.

Bother because you are too freaking stubborn to do otherwise.

Bother because it is flipping the bird to genetics and chemical imbalances and environment.

Bother because the world desperately needs people with half a brain. You have at least half of one, or you wouldn't be HERE  ;)

Bother because as long as there's life, there is hope. Hope of finding the mysterious, elusive Stability and all the good stuff that goes with it. For me, "the good stuff that goes with it" is a life that resembles the normal. I'm a pretty boring person. I want to wake up each morning without dreading the day and play with my kids and cook meals that will undoubtedly give us hypertension and gout and grow cherry tomatoes like my dad's. Hard to do when in the throes of depression or the scattered highs of mania or in the netherworld of anxiety NOS.

It doesn't feel like there's a point when you've "tried everything" only to get burned in the butt. I know that. We have ALL been there. But there is a heck of a lot to "everything." I think it is worth it to keep bothering. There is no real advantage or "point" to NOT bothering. Not bothering could be worse. Most people who don't bother quickly end up dead. No sense in going into a philosophical discussion of the afterlife- just consider that whatever you believe, what if you're wrong and it's worse than bothering while alive? Why chance it? Give it another day, then another, then another. You have nothing to lose. All things end eventually in their own time.

Keep hanging in there. Think of all the people who did bother and it wasn't so pointless after all. That feeling of pointlessness is part of the disease. It's the disease taunting you and telling you that it's better than you are. Don't listen to it. Refuse to wave the white flag just to be a bitch (or son of a, if you're a He). I'm white-knuckling it right there along with you, I think most of us here are.

~Faith

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Bother because you are too freaking stubborn to do otherwise.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

That's pretty much the reason right now.  I'm not one to give up easily.  Some days it is hard to remember why I am so damn stubborn.  Every once and awhile I feel good.  Then I feel like shit again.  It's hard to get through the shitty periods when you know that the good periods you are searching for won't last very long.  I still have hope, even in the very worst times I had hope, just not very much. 

So, anyone else?  Why bother?  Or, why do you bother?

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Dude, you just posted this a couple of hours ago!  We definitely care, it's just that it takes a while for responses to appear as people log back in and read, etc. 

As someone with MDD, I have felt the same way that you do MANY times in the past, and I wouldn't be surprised if I feel it many times in the future.

I broke down and cried at my new job today because I couldn't keep my depressed emotions in check.  Sometimes we just can't control how we feel.

However, as you may have heard other people say: it's the depression talking, not you.  You even said yourself that underneath all the shit, even when you were at your worst, you still had hope and you STILL DO. 

So why bother?  I think you just answered your own question.  I would answer the question the same way.  Because I still have hope that things will get better for me.  And even though I don't know you, I'd be willing to bet that you will feel better and your life will become easier and more enjoyable.  You just have to keep trying whatever your doctors/therapist think might help you as well as try to make whatever changes you think might help yourself, whether that be taking a community class you're interested in, taking up exercise (it DOES help depression in my experience), or taking a trip.  You know, just whatever you think you might enjoy.  Even things like cooking a nice dinner or lounging in the tub.

P.S.  I hope this doesn't come off as snarky, b/c it's not intended that way at all.  Please continue to let us know what is going on with you.

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It just seems so pointless to keep fighting.  So, why bother?

i second being stubborn... because you've fought this long, why quit now? 

because you're stronger than brain chemistry and the crap in your life that makes you feel like shit.  you have to be, you're here.  when waking up every day is a struggle but you're still here, that means you are stronger than anyone can ever imagine.

because shit is awful, people are mostly awful, but every once in a while there's a ray of hope.  somthing cheesy like a flower or watching a cat sleeping.

because, i bet, at some point in your life, someone told you you couldn't.  and you have to prove them wrong.

because there has to be someone out there that you love, even if you're angry at them, and if you give up you will hurt them.  you will give them your pain and maybe more.

because before you give up, you have to convince me that you have to give up.

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Dude, you just posted this a couple of hours ago!  We definitely care, it's just that it takes a while for responses to appear as people log back in and read, etc. 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Actually, I posted it four days ago.  Just to be clear, I am not attempting to elicit responses, I just need to vent.  I knew when I posted it wouldn't get very many responses.

However, as you may have heard other people say: it's the depression talking, not you. 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I don't buy that.  I can't separate out the part of me that is bipolar.  Saying it isn't me is wrong.  It is me.  I am bipolar.  The problem isn't really depression anyway, it is dysphoric hypomania or some sort of fucked up rapid cycling/mixed state bullshit.  I'm sitting here at two in the morning because I can't sleep and my thoughts are going a mile a minute about all kinds of stupid shit and I am fucking tired of it.  Two weeks ago I felt great.  This week has been total shit.  Pick a fucking mood already god damnit!

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i second being stubborn... because you've fought this long, why quit now? 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I'm not going to quit, but when I feel like this I wish I could.

because there has to be someone out there that you love, even if you're angry at them, and if you give up you will hurt them.  you will give them your pain and maybe more.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It would hurt my parents and maybe my brother and sister.  Other than that, no one gives a shit.  That's what makes it hard to get through some days. 

I'm listening to NIN right now.  "If you look at your reflection, is it all you want to be?"

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Because the apartment is a wreck, and I'd be embarrased for someone to have to clean it out

Because I wouldn't have a chance to spend my 401k

Because it would completely crush my elderly parents to have a second son off himself

Because of the undeserved agony it would cause my sister in having to settle my estate

Because I haven't gotten to fly my radio control glider yet

Because on the good days I don't even think about killing myself

Because it's morning I have a good cuppa coffee, the sun is shining and even though I've got tremors from head to toe, things aren't quite so bad in the light of day.

Because I would disappear from CrazyBoards suddenly and none of my friends would ever know what happened to me

"Never make important decisions at night, when you are tired or when you are hungry"

Hang in there.

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I got about two hours of sleep last night.  Went and worked with my dad for awhile this morning.  Left a message with pdoc about moving up my appt, still haven't heard back.  Took a Symbyax a little while ago to get the 12mg of Zyprexa.  Maybe I will get some sleep tonight.  Still feel like shit, but tired enough to be somewhat numb to it.

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Posting this way late b/c our router shuts off the internet at midnight (I'm in Pacific) so I don't stay on it all night.

Sorry, I'm an idiot.  Way to read a timestamp, doofus!

However, as you may have heard other people say: it's the depression talking, not you. 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I don't buy that.  I can't separate out the part of me that is bipolar.  Saying it isn't me is wrong.  It is me.  I am bipolar.  The problem isn't really depression anyway, it is dysphoric hypomania or some sort of fucked up rapid cycling/mixed state bullshit. 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

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I hope you'll hear from your pdoc soon. Lack of sleep sucks, really does a bad number to us. I hope you'll get some good sleep soon.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Left a message with his nurse on Thursday morning.  Finally get a call back on Monday afternoon.  "Stop taking the Wellbutrin."  Ok, I did that a month ago and I called and left a message telling you I had.  "Increase the Lamictal to 250mg."  Ok, I guess it is worth a try.  "When is your next appt?"  Next week.  "Ok, that will work."  Awesome, I get to deal with this shit for another fucking week. 

The Zyprexa knocked me out.  Yea Zyprexa!  Slept for 16 hours and was groggy the next day, but I felt like a human for a couple of days.  Back to the no sleeping now.  Emotions are getting out of hand again.  Feeling alone and worthless, just like always. Can't stop thinking about all the things I don't want to think about.  Can't stop thinking about the things I want, but don't believe I will ever find.  Doing my best to make it through. 

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synthetic:

Sorry you are still feeling crappy; glad you did sleep and feel human for a couple days. Are you considering taking Zyprexa again?

One question I hadn't thought of before, and please forgive me if this has come up elsewhere (or if I've even asked before and can't remember). If you don't mind my asking, what gender are you? Women, especially if we are taking oral contraceptives or other hormones, can need up to twice as much Lamictal to get therapeutic results. Our girly hormones do a number on Lamictal and cause the clearance of Lamictal from our systems to increase by as much as 2 times.

If you're a guy, sorry...no offense. If you are a woman, you might want to check out this thread: Lamictal and OCP, Options for birth control. There are a good number of us women dealing with this juggling act.

Take care. Hang in there, kiddo!

revlow

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Are you considering taking Zyprexa again?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Not yet.  If it gets really shitty, maybe.  Hoping pdoc will prescribe something at the next appt, but until then, just have to get through.

If you don't mind my asking, what gender are you?

If you're a guy, sorry...no offense.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

None taken.  Unfortuneately, I am a straight, white male.  The only thing interesting about me is the fact that I am crazy.

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All right you jackass, I've had about enough of this crap.  Stop toying with yourself.  Take the fucking Zyprexa so you have a continuous level in your blood, and it doesn't just jack you around more as it gets out of your system and throws you back into a worse depression.

And goddamn it, don't you fucking kill yourself, because I will be seriously SERIOUSLY pissed off.

With unceasing and unconditional love and a little threat,

Bella

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When I was severely depressed one of my worst fears was that I wouldn't get better.

This may sound flaky (and perhaps it is, although I normally have a low tolerance for things perceived as such) but this really helped bring some hope into my depressed existence:

A friend wrote me a set of flashcards. They read things like:

You WILL get better.

This thing does NOT define you.( ---- Yes, you have bipolar, but you have many attributes and qualities besides having to struggle with depression.)

You ARE a good person.

Chocolate ice cream.

(Something amazing that was occurring at our workplace at the time)

You have a RIGHT to happiness. It will come.

Tomatoes. (She and I share an almost worshipful love of the fruit)

And other things I can't remember anymore. At first, when she gave them to me, I thought "oh, nice gesture, but meaningless". I found, however, that I began reading them over and over and over. Especially every morning when I got up and couldn't quite figure out how I'd get through the day. Of course the cards alone did not get me out the depression (we need the proper medication), but they were a surprisingly effective way of reminding me of things that I wanted to hold on to. Even if I couldn't quite believe all of them at the time, they were a reminder of what I wanted. They gave me hope.

J.

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