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And I thought I was having a bad day because I can't get the kitty litter to flush down the toilet. Huh. Guess I should go back and re-prioritize.

You are doing a "grass is greener" thing. Really. I hear ya on wanting the life partner. But must I tell you, out here in front of everyone what you already know? That when it is supposed to happen - it will?

I think a lot of your brain stuff is related to not feeling well. I have the constant back pain going on and I get real cranky. Like now. But I am going to go and swim and for a little while, I will feel better.

There is actually sun here today. I don't know what else to say, but that seems to help me in the dog days of winter.

I hate that term. I love dogs.

Breeze

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16. I feel like I am permenently attached to this fucking mood swing of doom and will never be cut free. Someone has shackled me to this tree of death, on the swing of doom and here I will remain forever and ever. For crimes uncommitted in this life, but I sure must have done something really fucked up in the past one(s).

Saturnine -

I don't know if you ever listen to the Indigo Girls, but I have often found this useful.

Galileo

galileo's head was on the block

the crime was looking up for truth

and as the bombshells of my daily fears explode

i try to trace them to my youth

and then you had to bring up reincarnation

over a couple of beers the other night

and now i'm serving time for mistakes

made by another in another lifetime

how long till my soul gets it right

can any human being ever reach that kind of light

i call on the resting soul of galileo

king of night vision, king of insight

and then i think about my fear of motion

which i never could explain

some other fool across the ocean years ago

must have crashed his little airplane

how long till my soul gets it right

can any human being ever reach that kind of light

i call on the resting soul of galileo

king of night vision, king of insight

i'm not making a joke, you know me

i take everything so seriously

if we wait for the time till all souls get it right

then at least i know there'll be no nuclear annihilation

in my lifetime i'm still not right

i offer thanks to those before me

that's all i've got to say

'cause maybe you squandered big bucks in your lifetime

now i have to pay

but then again it feels like some sort of inspiration

to let the next life off the hook

but she'll say "look what i had to overcome from my last life

i think i'll write a book"

how long till my soul gets it right

can any human being ever reach the highest light

except for galileo god rest his soul

(except for the resting soul of galileo)

king of night vision, king of insight

how long

(till my soul gets it right)

[til we reach the highest light]

how long

(till my soul gets it right)

[til we reach the highest light]

how long

It's much more effective hearing it, but there it is.

Cerberus

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I LOVE THAT SONG!!!!!

And boyd:

Are you thinking of the Dog Day's Of Summer?

No. Here summer is a jumin' and a swingin' and you can't fucking move.

So it's "the dog days of winter" for us. Kick back, drink some coffee with friends, spend too much time on the computer......

Breeze

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I was actually having a grief meltdown, different from depression. Hindsight is 20/20. What's comforting is the longer times goes on, the more recognizable there are, and the shorter they are.

Now I feel like a wrung out dishrag. But I have my *normal* depression back, woo hoo! No more suicidal thoughts. Nice to think they too can be fleeting, after an MDD episode of 7.5 on the Richter scale.

I think a nap is in order.

Thanks everybody. It's nice to know ad hoc anti-suicide committees can be assembled at a moments notice. Like a medi-alert.

Depression really sucks balls.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Suze,

Hugs and kisses for you for having gone through so much shit in your life.  I'm glad the majorly rotten feelings you were having earlier have subsided into the generically rotten everyday feelings.  I noticed that you didn't sleep much last night, I didn't sleep at all, stayed up all night long... I hope you get some good restful, restorative sleep.  Sorry your ex is such an ass and that you have to waste your time on his frivalous bullshit.  Can you get your son's "hearing" at school changed so that you can be there with him?  Seems like if he had the dr.s note that he shouldn't have to go.  But then, I often wonder where the school officials got their smarts from, kwim?? 

Feel better...

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S9.....so THAT'S why you were drooling over my husband's not-so-hairy chest on the Tech board, eh? Hmmmmm, I think he does look hot in that shot.

And I know the feeling you're talking about.  My honey got cold after he got up this morning, so he came back to bed and spooned around me to warm up.  Finley was there, too and I was thinking how lucky I am.  Warm and safe and with an intelligent, witty guy to doze with on a snowy morning.

But he's WAY too OLD for you, young lady, so HANDS OFF!!!  heh  The picture you saw of him is 26 or 27 years old....

You'll send out the vibration and some smart guy will pick it up and come along.  Keep fighting the dark abyss so you're available when he arrives....

olga

PS  If your family isn't good for your head, stay away from them.  It sounds like you have a lot to deal with already, without an unsupportive mother to add to the grief.

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NYPL, Thank you. I appreciate the hugs and kisses, but shit happens to us all. I made bad choices (Evan's Dad) and now I'm paying the consequences.

I haven't been getting sleep for shit. Klonopin is great for GAD, but sucks for insomnia. Not much hope for tonight, I went to nap at 4:00, and my son woke me out of a deep sleep with a call from my Mom, who is annoyed because we (read Evan, the golden child) haven't come over since they got back from Hawaii yesterday. I said, "Mom...I'm sick." She said, "what is your house phone number? Because the boys always have to look for your cell phone when I call and that way I can talk to them. Call me at work tomorrow." Thanks, Mom, for the TLC. I am about *this* close to cutting all ties with my family of origin.

Suze,

We've all made bad choices in life.  Every single human being on earth has made bad choices.  That's why we can empathize with each other.  I can't believe your mother didn't even ask what was wrong!  Ughhhh, what did she want you to do, wait on her doorstep for her to get home??

The hearing will HAVE to be postponed. I will stop by the district justice's office tomorrow. I have had this ortho appt. for 6 mos. I'm not missing it. Bottom line, the school is STILL fucking with him. This is total bullshit. It's just the rescheduling that is a PITA. I have a list of tasks to do, this being one, that seem just insurmountable.

You can do it, I promise.... baby steps, one task at a time.  If you need a gentle kick in the pants to encourage you to do them, just ask...

Thanks. I'm feeling my most worst feelings tonight. Vulnerable, sad and alone.

I hope you can get some sleep tonight.  You may be feeling so much worse because of the fatigue.  Do you have any sleep meds?  Or Benadryl? that you can take to help knock you out?  Maybe some Jager??  :-)

I just want to cry into a man's naked chest, preferable not too hairy...I like men with small amounts of body hair.
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Family, eh? Oddly dense creatures. Thanks, Mom, indeed.

Hang in there, sweetie. You will get through this crap.

There cannot be anything more sucky than Family Court. One time I was there for one of the unnumerable hearings my ex and I had to go through (with his ex). I was sitting outside with my stepson, waiting and waiting for whatever the proceeding was to take place. At one point we looked at one another, exhausted and full of woe. I said to him, "You know how they call Disneyland "The Happiest Place on Earth'?" He got it. Yeah, Family Court: The Unhappiest Place on Earth.

Take care.

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Yeah, and who can afford a lawyer, not that I need one, this is total MI bullshit waste of time garbage on his part. This judge has seen us so many times and she gets really pissed at him.
Boy, I can relate.

Do you have any sleep med? Or, as NYPaintLady suggested, Bendryl...anything that might help get you to sleep?

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Well, I'll probably be right here with you, unless I get kicked out for reaming Velvet Elvis a new asshole on DB's thread.

I'm sick of self-righteousness. It makes me want to puke.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You go, girl!  When I read the posts from VE, I was so astonished I was speechless!  I felt so bad for DB...

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Yeah, and who can afford a lawyer, not that I need one, this is total MI bullshit waste of time garbage on his part.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

When I went to family court with my oldest son's father to determine visitation and what-not, I didn't think that my 5yo son needed to watch his father beat the snot out of his girlfriend and the judge thought that the asshole deserved overnight visitation.  Since we couldn't come to any sort of agreement that particular day, my dumbass lawyer told me to "try to work it out".  He sat there in the courtroom and didn't say a fucking word!  Then the fucker sent me a bill for $650!  I had already paid him $200 and he tried to tell me that "he got me the $".  I'm like, you stupid fuck, it wasn't the money I wanted!  I would have gladly given up all child support to not have to subject my sweet 5yo boy to that bullshit!  No one deserved to see it and he'd already seen enough in his young 5 years.  I called my hubby crying after that conversation and unknown to me, he called the lawyer and told him what an idiot he was (dh knew him and his father, I used to work for the father so I figured the lawyer would do good by me - hah!) and that it was ridiculous to charge me an additional $650.  Lawyer knew when he'd been beat and told hubby to pay him what we thought he was worth and hubby told him we already had.  Ya know, that still gets me all fired up, thinking about family court and my dear sweet 5yo is going to be 20 in 2 weeks!

/threadjack 

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Hi Olga,

If you were to ask Elmer J. Fudd what ED stands for, he'd say, "ewectile disfunction."

S9, sorry things suck right now. I'm glad you're feeling better than before. I'm working on being ignored by family-of-origin (I like this phrase and the distinction it makes) so your comments and pain resonate with me, too.

Take a nice, warm, comfy nap.

thinking of you,

lily

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Duh

There's a reason why my stylist bleaches my hair blond....heh

No, ED hasn't been a problem, although a man in his 70s is not a man in his 30s.  But a man in his 70s with great hands.....well, TMI.  ;)

S9, there are intelligent, quirky men out there.  I hope you find the one you deserve. 

olga

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