Idk what

[exl2398]

I haven't been sleeping very well. Probably for about 2 weeks or so. I sleep on average 3 hours a night. I know the reason for this but I really don't I want to talk about it. I lied to a doctor about it already, but I did talk to my therapist and my psychiatrist about it. My psychiatrist doesn't really talk about things on a therapy level so I don't know what he really thinks about it. But my therapist thinks I had some part in it even though I didn't really have a part in it at all. But it's really affecting my ability to sleep. And I've been hallucinating on and off. I've also spent all of my money. So I may be dealing with a Mania thing. Or a I don't know. Basically I don't know because I've been suicidal. I was suicidal last night. Right now I've been spending the last half hour looking at a local Mental Hospital's website. And last night I almost put a knife to my wrist. Earlier this month I did put a knife to my wrist. My life is becoming less worth it.

[melissaw72]

 

56 minutes ago, exl2398 said:

But it's really affecting my ability to sleep. And I've been hallucinating on and off. I've also spent all of my money. So I may be dealing with a Mania thing. Or a I don't know. Basically I don't know because I've been suicidal. I was suicidal last night. Right now I've been spending the last half hour looking at a local Mental Hospital's website. And last night I almost put a knife to my wrist. Earlier this month I did put a knife to my wrist. My life is becoming less worth it.

It sounds like you are in a very bad place right now.  You have so much going on, I can't even imagine what it feels like.

 

57 minutes ago, exl2398 said:

My psychiatrist doesn't really talk about things on a therapy level so I don't know what he really thinks about it. But my therapist thinks I had some part in it even though I didn't really have a part in it at all.

Your pdoc didn't seem to have much of a reaction, and it doesn't sound like you tdoc really listened either.

I really think you should go to the ER ASAP.  I'm guessing you got treatment for you wrist earlier this month?  I would seek treatment before something like that might happen again. 

Please be careful, and if you are still feeling like you do, I would suggest going to the ER ASAP to get some  help.  You don't have to live like this.

[exl2398]

I don't know. I don't want to talk about what happened but I will. About 2 weeks ago my dad hurt me. We were having an argument over dinner and he threw his shoe at me and hurt my leg somehow and now two weeks later my leg is still swollen up in one spot and bruised in others. I know that I'm going to have to talk about this because the hospital that I go to takes pictures of anything that they see on your body that you come in with because they don't want to be accused of abusing you. Plus the reason why I'm all fucked up right now is because of him. Or at least a lot of it has to do with him. I mean I've been depressed for going on two and a half months now, but I was sleeping ok until 2 weeks ago. Idk. 

 

As to holding the knife to my wrist a few weeks ago or whatever, the wound, if you can even call it that, was superficial. It required no treatment. That incident was more of me just trying to calm myself down even though suicidal thoughts were there. A combination of desperation and self hate if you will.

This is what my leg looks like this morning. That picture was a few days ago.

[melissaw72]

 

 

34 minutes ago, exl2398 said:

I don't know. I don't want to talk about what happened but I will. About 2 weeks ago my dad hurt me. We were having an argument over dinner and he threw his shoe at me and hurt my leg somehow and now two weeks later my leg is still swollen up in one spot and bruised in others. I know that I'm going to have to talk about this because the hospital that I go to takes pictures of anything that they see on your body that you come in with because they don't want to be accused of abusing you. Plus the reason why I'm all fucked up right now is because of him. Or at least a lot of it has to do with him. I mean I've been depressed for going on two and a half months now, but I was sleeping ok until 2 weeks ago. Idk. 

 

As to holding the knife to my wrist a few weeks ago or whatever, the wound, if you can even call it that, was superficial. It required no treatment. That incident was more of me just trying to calm myself down even though suicidal thoughts were there. A combination of desperation and self hate if you will.

This is what my leg looks like this morning. That picture was a few days ago.

Wow ... that is a sizeable bruise your father gave you. 

Thank you for sharing what happened.

I'm so sorry you are in the situation with your father that you are.  Are you in a position where it would be a good idea to go to the ER or DR or someone else, if anything to have it on record that you were abused?  Or would that cause more of a problem because your parents are involved?  Asking because I would never have been able to do that without lots of backlash afterwards from at least one parent (I lived with my parents back then).

39 minutes ago, exl2398 said:

As to holding the knife to my wrist a few weeks ago or whatever, the wound, if you can even call it that, was superficial. It required no treatment. That incident was more of me just trying to calm myself down even though suicidal thoughts were there. A combination of desperation and self hate if you will.

Just the fact you did this, to me it means you really are asking for help but no one is listening.  I'm not a DR, but IMO that is how I see it anyway.

Do you think if tdoc and/or pdoc sees this bruise, they would listen more?  I hate to say this but sometimes (talking from personal experience) "seeing is believing."  And the DRs don't take what you say at face value ... until you "show" them something that would explain what you were trying to get at.  That is extremely frustrating.

 

 

 

 

[exl2398]

I would lie about where the bruises came from if I went IP. I don't need the drama that would bring into my life. I'd tell them the same lie I told my mdoc. A stair broke that I was walking up and it banged my leg up. More details ensued because the more details you have the more believable you are. The only reason I even had the idea for that story is because one or our stairs did break when my friend was walking up them earlier this past year. Perfect story. I think. And I'd use it again. I don't need my dad getting pissed off at me for telling.

I just woke up a few minutes ago from about another hour and a half of sleep. And then I hallucinated. Heard a cat meow that wasn't there. Always nice. First time in three days. And it's been cats meowing mostly and idk why.

[Alien Navel Cord]

I agree I think it is time for a voluntary trip to the ER and describe everything to them, and if you don't want to tell them about your dad you don't have to, because I know that would make a stressful situation even more stressful. I wouldn't want that for you. But we do here want you to be safe so that would be the best thing to do if your pdoc isn't taking this seriously. 

[melissaw72]

1 hour ago, exl2398 said:

I would lie about where the bruises came from if I went IP. I don't need the drama that would bring into my life. I'd tell them the same lie I told my mdoc. A stair broke that I was walking up and it banged my leg up. More details ensued because the more details you have the more believable you are. The only reason I even had the idea for that story is because one or our stairs did break when my friend was walking up them earlier this past year. Perfect story. I think. And I'd use it again. I don't need my dad getting pissed off at me for telling.

I just woke up a few minutes ago from about another hour and a half of sleep. And then I hallucinated. Heard a cat meow that wasn't there. Always nice. First time in three days. And it's been cats meowing mostly and idk why.

(bold 1) I totally hear you and understand.  I wouldn't need the added shit either.  From the same person in my family also.  It isn't worth it.

(bold 2) I agree with you on the more details the more believable you are.  (But even then they don't always believe you ... BTDT).  I  hope you never go through telling someone (especially a DR of any kind) something in full detail and they still don't believe you ... saying it is psychiatric in nature/where it came from/how it happened ... when they are so far from the truth.

I'm sorry about the cat's meowing.  I know how annoying (to say the least) the hallucinations can be.

 

 

1 hour ago, Alien Navel Cord said:

I agree I think it is time for a voluntary trip to the ER and describe everything to them, and if you don't want to tell them about your dad you don't have to, because I know that would make a stressful situation even more stressful. I wouldn't want that for you. But we do here want you to be safe so that would be the best thing to do if your pdoc isn't taking this seriously. 

I agree ... making a stressful situation more stressful would be terrible. 

Good point about the IP ... because if you did go IP, there might be a really good chance of finding a new pdoc who gives a crap.