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hi. just wondering if other people who have suicide issues do things that give themselves better odds of just dying in their daily lives.

i am a bit of a survival expert (outdoor survival) cos i've worked in all sorts of awful climates and am just kind of obsessive about survival in emergencies. i hike in my local mountains every few days. the area i go is closed to the public because daylight hours are too short and also because of wintery conditions near the top.

i hike alone and at night on the much less popular of two trails up the mountain. i use a headlamp and carry a backpack loaded with everything i need to make a night in the bush an easy survival situation. i'm even taking a ham radio course so that i will be able to contact searchers if they were ever looking for me, and also to listen for any emergency calls from other people on the mountain in case i can help.

but i also have a lot of suicidal ideation thoughts kind of thing.

so i have a second backpack with hardly any gear in it at all other than a bottle of water and a thin fleece. i will sometimes grab this bag at the last minute as i am going out the door. this gives me the possibility that if something were to happen to me on the trail (slip and fall being the most likely as it is very steep) i would have a much less likely chance of surviving the night out.

i feel the need to fiddle the likelihood of my own 'natural' death.

i have no idea if this is a bad thread or post. or if it is in the right place. or if it should be deleted by a mod. i'm not trying to influence people. but i live with suicidal 'planning' thoughts almost daily, and given my skills at not dying in the wilderness i occasionally sabotage myself to give myself a better chance of failing.

grousemouse.

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I do that, too...at least, when I'm in a crappy place. If lots of suicidal thoughts are going on in my head, I'm a lot more likely to make "bad choices." I think if you want to die, and don't have the...ability is the wrong word, but perhaps the closest to what I mean (though maybe TRUE desire is better?)...you flirt with death to make it more likely to happen without your having to do anything. There's sort of a finality in a suicide attempt, and loads of pressure and other stuff going on under the surface. Making bad choices, anybody could do that. Feels, too, at least to me, like I'm leaving things up to some higher power. I want to die. I don't want to do it myself. But if it happens, isn't that some sort of sign? However, maybe that's where the Darwin Awards step in ;)

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hi. just wondering if other people who have suicide issues do things that give themselves better odds of just dying in their daily lives.  quote]

I do, I do!!! 

I wrote a much more detailed reply.......but thought it might be a bit TOO detailed......... ;)

Know you are not alone.......and please take the well packed backpack!!!!! 

Take care!

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i have no idea if this is a bad thread or post. or if it is in the right place. or if it should be deleted by a mod. i'm not trying to influence people. but i live with suicidal 'planning' thoughts almost daily, and given my skills at not dying in the wilderness i occasionally sabotage myself to give myself a better chance of failing.

grousemouse.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I posted earlier but didn't hit add reply, dammit.

I think this is an excellent topic for people with suicidal tendencies. I have an as yet to be dx'ed autoimmune disorder that is making me really sick. My feeling, especially since it IS autoimmune, is that when I was feeling suicidal 24/7 for 2 years, I set my death in motion on a cellular level. I had ruled out suicide as an option because of the kids, but a natural death I prayed for constantly, and I have been "going there" lately. I don't want to leave my children motherless. That is what I live for. For me it's not enough, but I feel like I have no choice. I brought them to this wretched place. The deserve to be well cared for, regardless of how I feel about being here.

If I didn't have kids, I would go. Poof. Gone. My family or origin can bite my eternal dead ass for all I care, they've done nothing for me but fuck up my life, and NO, I am not a victim. Not anymore. But the truth is the truth. They are damaged to the core and had us like you would go buy a new toy. Tired of playing with the new toy, throw it in the toy box and forget about it.

I raised my 3 younger brothers, and if I would have had any foresight whatsoever, I would have never become a mother. I feel so strongly you give up your "get out of life free" card when you bring other souls here. Not only that, but I have to work really hard to reverse or at least arrest all the damage that my stupid biocreators did. The break it, I get to fix it. I'm really pissed at them for that, but again, I don't blame often. I am in a blaming mood now however, Could you tell?

Anyway, GM, here's something I did on my LAST vacation with the family...I knew my higher power could take a hit for the team and I had to burn something...or it was going to be me.

It was a foam frisbee. It was ugly when it was all over.

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ahh, spongebob. my personal jesus.

i'm glad people are liking this topic. it is part of suicidal thinking. my good feeling today was when i went to the store after my hike and saw a yellow labrador sitting in the cab ofa pickup truck waiting alertly for its owner. made me think about getting a couple of dogs myself maybe. i think that might help me resist this suicide backdoor thinking i'm going through with my 'taking a chance' thing.

grouse.

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ahh, spongebob. my personal jesus.
Yeah, and happy in a martyred death...to the end...

Think about the dogs seriously, imo might as well have kids. Not to discourage you from whatever it takes to stay alive. What about a lizard? Or a turtle? Turtles like to hike...

;)

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well, i have a newt (an amphibious lizard/salamander kind of thing). it appears to be immortal though because i have had it since i was about 10. i had two originally. 'tom and jerry'. or 'tomasina and jerinita' as was pointed out to me. after a while though i couldn't tell the damn things apart, and then one of them died.

so 'tomorjerry'/'tomasinaorjerninita' lives on. as i pointed out, apparently immortal.

sigh, and all i get is 'immoral'. stupid english language. give me a fucking tee and i'll live forever.

it's a funny thing the english language, isn't it?

and yeah, a dog or two would be nice.

grouse.

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When I am in a bad place, like I was back in October, I drive like a madwoman not wearing my seatbelt,passing in no passing zones, driving 90mph honking at everyone, giving people the finger. (Note: Never with my kids in the car, promise!!) My thoughts are 1. I'll crash and die 2. I'll piss someone off enough that they'll shoot me. LOL Why does that sound funny to me?  On a happy note: I am 100% symptom free as of this post. God Bless Prozac, Wellbutrin, Klonipin-I'm amongst the living again.

The only reason why I haven't done it 100 times over (can you kill yourself 100 times over????) is I have two beautiful children. And the post a few above mine about the 'family of origin', I'd not feel badly about leaving them, just my sister and brother (they are as fucked up as I am and survivors of the same traumas)but I can't leave my kids. Like the post-er above, I have to undo what my biology or genetics (not sure how you put it) did and hopefully prevent the cycle from continuing. I also couldn't kill myself because it would prove to my two ex-husbands that I am indeed "crazy" when all those years I tried to explain depression/anxiety doesn't equal crazy. ( I never told them about the wee bit of psychosis I get every now and then. Doesn't the tv and radio broadcast special messages for each of us? HA!)

Oh and Grousemouse. I bought a kitty about 3 weeks ago and she is part of why I am feeling so much better. I only have my kids 50% of the time and recently broke up with the guy I thought was my 'soulmate' (blech)so I needed a warm, loving being to greet me when I get home. I like dogs better than cats but live in an apartment so.....

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GM, just gotta chime in here.  I also wonder at times why God or whatever others believe, when you've got some perfectly good people down here saying hey, take me, take me, takes some innocent person or child instead.  Sure is confusing.  I second and third what people are saying, I brought 2 wonderful children into this world and I need to bring them up as well as I can - this world is too fucked up to do something like that to them.  Besides, left with my husband to raise, they'd grow up nasty unlovable creatures, so I continue to "survive" for them at least.  I think a dog would be a wonderful thing for you - as long as your parents okayed it.  I have 3 dogs and they are wonderful company, always welcoming, always loving, always eager to go - give it some more thought - and they are good listeners whatever it is you're saying!  It would give you great company to hike with!  Please take care of yourself!  Kris.

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I get a little more careless when I'm feeling very suicidal. I have to pay attention to making sure I cross the street safely (I live in a big city, walk everywhere, many drivers would be happy to mow down the pedestrians in the crosswalk). At times, my pdoc has asked me to promise him I won't try to drive -- unlikely anyway since I don't own a car. Nothing I wouldn't do anyway, just being careless about them. Fortunately, I seem to be past that (until the next episode anyway).

And Grouse, if you're known for being very well equipped for survival, and they find you with only the inadequate pack -- no one's going to doubt that you were risk-taking on purpose.

Fiona

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And Grouse, if you're known for being very well equipped for survival, and they find you with only the inadequate pack -- no one's going to doubt that you were risk-taking on purpose.

Fiona

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

My therapist told me that when an insurance company, etc. has doubts about a person's "accidental" death, they will order a psychological autopsy.  They will then have access to your medical history.....yes all of it!  If you have a history of suicidal thoughts and/or attempts (yes, that's me ;) ), then if you had planned to help your family out financially with your death....... well you & they are screwed.  F******  insurance companies!

My big fear is that I do die a real accidental death, and my family will still get screwed by the insurance company because of my psychological past.........

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