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Hi. I'm new. My doctor has me on a medication and said that it helps MDD and bipolar.  I was to see a therapist.  That was awhile ago.  I am finally going to see one and I'm terrified.  The meds are helping panic attacks but not everything going on in my head.  I'm terrified to tell anyone.  I'm afraid I will be locked up or will have something worse.  Is is better to just hold on?  Do you know that scene in Captain America Civil War when Cap is trying to hold the helicopter to the pad.  One in each hand.  That's me, almost all the time. Somehow that seems better than talking to someone.  What if I open a can of worms that I don't want to and can't close it?

also, I don't know if I will be honest when I see the therapist.  Whenever I speak to someone I can hear myself changing the story to make me sound less crazy.  Like a voice goes off and says Stop this, you are an idiot and no one cares!!  They think you are a nut and hate you!

Edited by BatsBelfry
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Welcome to CB!

9 minutes ago, BatsBelfry said:

I'm terrified to tell anyone.

I've found that if you do not tell your DR about something sooner than later, the harder it is to manage and the more ingrained it becomes in you.

You most likely will not be locked up unless you are a danger to yourself or others.

12 minutes ago, BatsBelfry said:

I don't know if I will be honest when I see the therapist.  Whenever I speak to someone I can hear myself changing the story to make me sound less crazy.  Like a voice goes off and says Stop this, you are an idiot and no one cares!!  

Please, be honest with your therapist (tdoc).  From experience, I wasn't honest for years, and because of that everything I deal with now is much harder than it would have been had I told the truth.  You are not an idiot and people do care!

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Then I have to tell them I think about death a lot.  I have a notes section where I write things down when it gets bad.  That can't be good.  My thoughts get dark.  Then sometimes is feel electric.  Like I could start to scream and dance.  It takes a lot to hold this under wraps. 

 

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17 minutes ago, Cale said:

maybe you could bring some of your writings when you see them.

Precisely what I was going to suggest.

1 hour ago, melissaw72 said:

I've found that if you do not tell your DR about something sooner than later, the harder it is to manage and the more ingrained it becomes in you.

You most likely will not be locked up unless you are a danger to yourself or others.

Please, be honest with your therapist (tdoc).  From experience, I wasn't honest for years, and because of that everything I deal with now is much harder than it would have been had I told the truth.  You are not an idiot and people do care!

1

I agree with @melissaw72 totally. You need to be honest. You can't get help with your problems if you aren't honest. There's nothing to be gained from withholding things.

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Don't be afraid to tell your doctors how you are feeling. You will not be locked up or anything like that. In fact, you won't even be hospitalized unless you are an immediate danger to yourself or others. That really sets the bar high so as long as you are not planning suicide in the next few days, don't worry about it. We ALL have thoughts of death. That unfortunately goes hand-in-hand with mental illness. If people get locked up for having thoughts of death then half the country would be locked up. It's nothing to worry about, but I do understand that it is scary if you haven't been to a therapist before.

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It's scary.   But being honest with your therapist helps you.  No one goes into therapy ready to talk about their deepest thoughts.  It's a process.  Think of it like layers. 

A lot of us have thoughts of death and other obsessive compulsive thoughts.  I tried to be as honest as I could with both therapist and pdoc. 

It sounds trite but they have heard everything.  

The meds part is another process.  It can take a while to get the right meds. Remember everyone is trying to help you.

welcome to Crazyboards!

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If you tell them you think about suicide, they'll generally ask you if your safe, if you have a plan, whether you intend to act on that plan and such. Generally, they'll only consider hospitalizing you if you have a plan along with the means and intent to follow through with the plan. If you can assure than that you're safe then they won't hospitalize you. 

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9 hours ago, BatsBelfry said:

When you tell them that you consider suicide a lot they do not hospitalize you?

 

No, I have not been hospitalized.  I found that fanatizing my death in various ways comforting.  It felt too hard to exist.   I shared this with both Pdoc and Tdoc.  There is a huge difference between suicidal ideation and the actual act.  

If you are not safe, meaning you are a direct threat against yourself that is a different matter.  If you feel that way please reach out.  Call Pdoc or Tdoc or a crisis line. 

When I am obsessed with my own death I do see my Tdoc and Pdoc much more often.  Not everyone has that option however. 

I am really glad your seeing your doctors and reaching out on CB it's not an easy thing.

 

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I hope people still see this but most likely have moved on.  Maybe I need to start a knee post but I'm not sure.  Anyway

will I ever be normal?  We I ever be like every else?  When I see a therapist will I stop wanting to die?  Will I enjoy life like normal people do?  I feel like a therapist will just officially stamp me with a thing and then nothing changes.  Don't get me wrong I want the stamp.  I feel better with official names of things but I can't see or imagine anything ever getting better.  I think I was just made broken.  I'm bad chemistry. 

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Yes, normal happens.  It's a process and sometimes a long one. It took me a long time to get stable, but it happened.   What is normal anyway ?

Much like diabetes MI is a chronic condition.  With the right meds and support you can get to a place that  feels right.  I see a Tdoc and a Pdoc and go to group each week. I hang out on CB getting support.   It helps me to have a network of people I can go to when I am very symptomatic.  

I spent years wanting to die.  Remember it's the depression talking.  Meds can take a bit.  My signature at the bottom shows my "cocktail".

I have seen on the forums over and over people say one day it just clicks. 

I guess what I really want to say is hang on, do what you can to get better. Better happens. 

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57 minutes ago, BatsBelfry said:

I hope people still see this but most likely have moved on.  Maybe I need to start a knee post but I'm not sure.  Anyway

will I ever be normal?  We I ever be like every else?  When I see a therapist will I stop wanting to die?  Will I enjoy life like normal people do?  I feel like a therapist will just officially stamp me with a thing and then nothing changes.  Don't get me wrong I want the stamp.  I feel better with official names of things but I can't see or imagine anything ever getting better.  I think I was just made broken.  I'm bad chemistry. 

What is new normal to you and what is everyone else like to you? Ask yourself that. And yes now that you have a label you feel like you can now say ahhhh ha! That's why I am the way I am. But you're right it is just a name in a textbook. And now what?? I am in the same boat. I sort of just flail along waiting for that joy to hit me in the face and make me stop in my tracks and say omg ! This is what it feels like to enjoy and be happy with life. It doesn't happen that way. Like someone said it's a process , everything gets better with time. Even tho if you feel like your feet are stuck in quicksand right now .. just know tomorrow will be different.  Oh and remember Normal is just a setting on the dryer ? You will be ok 

Edited by KnickNak
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On 17/01/2017 at 2:37 PM, BatsBelfry said:

When you tell them that you consider suicide a lot they do not hospitalize you?

 

In my experience, they do not. I have told many doctors, therapist, pdoc and social worker I think about suicide all the time. Even when I had this euthenasia drug I had been planning to take and wrote a will they only talked of making me go to hospital, but I/my pdoc (on the phone) convinced them not too. I would hide these feelings too but I'm a terrible liar so when they ask the question I just telll the truth.

ETA: some countries seem to allow for more liberal use of involuntary commitment. Here in Australia it doesn't seem to be used other than very extreme situations like people becoming violent and out of control. Also if someone is actively suicidal such as refusing to eat for weeks or making multiple repeated attempts that are failed or stopped.

 My friend moved to US, and was drunk and upset and threatened suicide to her husband on phone. Next a police car showed up nd arrested her nd commited to IP. So perhaps it depends where you live.

 

Edited by mcjimjam
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I am soooo confused.   I said I have an appointment with a therapist and I do.  When I wrote her to set this up I mentioned my medication.  I asked her if she needed the name of my doctor to speak with him about it so they are on the same page.  She never said anything.   Well my medication is almost out so my wife asked me to see if I need a refill( we have new insurance) or if she changes it.  She wrote back that she has nothing to do with medication since she is a counselor and I must have been confused.   I guess I am. I thought they say you have X and Y you should take this.  Or at least I think you have X and Y let's see if this helps. Then I do it.  I'm worried since I still have issues that she really can't help.  That maybe I need different medication or additional.  

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You need a pdoc for medication refills etc.. they are Dr's , therapist's can't do anything with medications since they aren't licensed to do so. Can you call your Dr? Or i may be misreading.. do you currently have a Pdoc?

Edited by KnickNak
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