Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Out of control?


Recommended Posts

I feel like the only thing that's going right in my life right now is the fact that I quit smoking. I took up vaping, but I still quit smoking.

 

I just ordered 2 pizzas at 11:30 at night. And I ate half of one. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why the fuck would I do that? I mean not even an hour before that I had eaten 12 stuffed pretzel bites. And a couple hours before that I ate dinner. And about a half an hour after dinner I finished off one of the side dishes. I feel like my life is spiraling out of control. I've gained like 20 pounds in the last 2 months. 15 of it in the last month.

 

Tomorrow night I start 3 milligrams of Rexulti. It's a step up dose that I will be taking for two weeks before I see my psychiatrist again at the end of the month. At that time he will give me a prescription for the actual dose. As I said in another thread I have been hallucinating on and off. I hadn't been able to start the medication because I only had a 2 week supply of it. Hopefully starting up the step up dose of the medication will stop those.

 

While I got out of the house today, it did not really change my mood state. But it was a good thing. One of my friends, who was actually a former professor of mine, took me out to lunch. It was nice of him considering I have already spent all of my money for this month and I'm only halfway through it, not even halfway through it. Only 13 days into my pay cycle. I'm on disability. 

 

I don't know what the fuck is happening to me. I go back and forth between sleeping all day and sleeping half the day away and having suicidal thoughts and being all like fuck the world and getting mad for no reason. To be honest, I think that the inauguration of that Hitler like mother fucker might be playing some part in this, because I have been depressed since basically the beginning of November, because I kind of figured that he would win because of all the stuff that was happening to Hillary. And I don't want to turn this into a political topic, but I really can't stand the idea of him being the president of this country. I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my benefits. I'm afraid that I'm going to have no income or insurance and I haven't been in the workforce since 2009 and I think I'm unemployable. I basically think he's going to ruin my life. And I don't know how to stop thinking like that so I'm pretty sure that he has something to do with this. But he can't be all of it. I don't think that Donald Trump can possibly make me over eat everyday. Or not sleep through the night. Or hallucinate. Or get suicidal. He can definitely make me feel like I'm going to be in a fucked-up place soon enough because of whatever policies he put in place but he can't run me mentally. He can't fuck up my brain. And I can't really place what has made me be in this place mentally. You know what I mean? Like why do I not want to get out of bed in the morning? What makes me want to die? I don't understand.

 

In another thread I told you guys about the problems I was having with my father. I know that that probably plays a role in it too. I don't know if that plays a large role in it, probably only the Sleep issue. But I don't know. All I know is that I'm discombobulated as fuck. And I don't know what to do about it.

 

Another problem I've been having is that I have not been very Med compliant. I used to be religious about taking my medication but lately I have been having a hard time taking it even though I don't plan not to take them. If that makes sense. Like my Medbox will run out and I just will not fill it again. Not for a couple of days. And I really tend to think that my medication doesn't work. I don't know.

 

What do you guys think?

Edited by exl2398
Spelling
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Congratulations on quitting smoking!  That is a lot of hard work!

 

6 hours ago, exl2398 said:

To be honest, I think that the inauguration of that Hitler like mother fucker might be playing some part in this,

You aren't alone with this, there are others out there also who feel either similar or the same as you do about the whole political crap happening.  My pdoc told me that just about every patient (like 99.999%) he saw since the election (in November) was talking about about the election in one way or another and they were all anxious, stressed, irritable, agitated, etc).  I also talked to a good and trusted friend who said everyone he was talking to was talking about how the election was hitting them hard (in a bad way).  It is stressing a lot of people out.  ... so I wouldn't doubt that the inauguration could be part of why you are feeling like you do.

Personally, when I am stressed about something that I have no control over at all, I will find myself eating a lot as well as doing things that I wouldn't normally do.  It feels sometimes like I need to be held tight until the world stops spinning around me so I can regain some control back.  I am also agitated and just feeling like 'don't fuck with me today' type-thing.  Feeling out of control is terrible, especially when it is something you can't do anything about yourself.

Combine that with the other stressful stuff (ie your father, sleep issues, taking meds, etc), it can take a toll on a person.

 

6 hours ago, exl2398 said:

Another problem I've been having is that I have not been very Med compliant. I used to be religious about taking my medication but lately I have been having a hard time taking it even though I don't plan not to take them. If that makes sense. Like my Medbox will run out and I just will not fill it again. Not for a couple of days. And I really tend to think that my medication doesn't work. I don't know.

It makes sense what you say about taking your meds.  I get it.

I'm really sorry you are feeling so out of control. I've BTDT and I'm sure in my life I'll be dealing with again.  I hate feeling that way, so I can really empathize with you. 

Would seeing your pdoc and/or tdoc (not sure if you have one or not) help at all?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, exl2398 said:

Idk. I don't see either one of them this week and I don't want to bother them.

Part of me thinks I need to be inpatient.

I honestly don't think you are going to bother them, especially seeing that you are questioning IP.  Personally if I was thinking about IP, I would ask pdoc what he thinks/his opinion ... or maybe other options like a med tweak.  But I would definitely call your pdoc about all of this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It seems pretty reasonable that politics is stressing you out and acting as a trigger, if it is. Uncertainty about ones future ability to access housing, food and healthcare is a massive stressor.

If you're feeling out of control and struggling to take meds and look after yourself, IP may be worth considering. Maybe there are other intensive forms of support you could access at home, some program where a social worker visits regularly, perhaps?

i would talk to tdoc/pdoc and see what they can suggest, anyway. For me, sometimes I think I need more support than just doc visits here and there, and IP or day therapy has helped a lot. If you are socially isolated, that alone is so unhelpful.

 

congrats on quitting, btw! Be proud and know that you are very strong, to have overcome it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...