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I had a really great semester in school in the fall. It has been 10 years since I was in college, and I was enjoying it so much. I even met a friend! 

Fast forward: Since October, on my birthday, things have felt like shit. My grandfather had a massive heart attack on my birthday, and the other grandfather was in the hospital for an emergency. Since then, I have tried to keep positive, but I have been down. I was very excited for Christmas (for the first time in a few years). Christmas was always special to me, and the last few years have been rough, but this year, I felt like me again....until...the 1st grandfather I mentioned died on Christmas Eve after another heart attack. This Christmas was very unhappy.  I have felt very down about returning to school. I started classes again on Monday. I just don't have the excitement about it though. So far, my classes are discouraging, and I just feel no motivation. I WANT motivation though. I SO BADLY do. I feel like it might be the only thing that will propel me through the semester...my WISH for motivation.

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I am very sorry to hear about your loss, Montague. What with that and the illness of your other grandfather, it sounds like you've been under a lot of stress. It is so discouraging when, just as you begin to be able to look forward to something again, such life events happen which are so hard to deal with. My family & I went through a similar hard time two years ago over Christmas and New Year's with the illness and death of my grandma and step-grandma. It's very understandable that you are struggling with school and staying positive after that. It's most likely going to be hard for a while, especially if you were close, but even if not. Do you have a therapist or counsellor you can discuss this with, or could you look into meeting one to help you through this time?

It's encouraging that you had a really great semester in school before all this happened. I hope you can hold on to that, if possible ... although it is more difficult again now, that is at least proof that things can be better for you. It may take time and help to work back to that point, but it exists, and when you next get there, hopefully life circumstances may be kinder to you. For now, CB is here for support.

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I'm so sorry for your loss.  I can understand why you are feeling like crap with no motivation, things being discouraging, etc.  With all the traumatic events that happened in a short time period, I can see how it would take a toll on you.

I hope you find something that will make this semester not as discouraging, and that will give you more motivation. 

Is the friend you met going to be there also?

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Thank you so much for the encouragement, you guys. I was in the VA PTSD clinic for almost a year with a therapist that I liked a lot, but due to a really stupid policy, I cannot stay in the PTSD Clinic and they kicked me out of therapy because, even though I could make my individual therapy sessions faithfully, I was unable to make the group sessions each week as well because they were during class times. They had another group open on Thursdays that I could have made, but they will only allow you to trade groups during a few times in the year. It was a "four misses and you are out" thing. Policies like this are why veterans are unable to get adequate mental health care. I tried to tell them that I was going through a tough time with my grandfather having had a heart attack, and they wouldn't make any exceptions.  

My friend is back this semester at school, but she has been unreachable lately. I know that the start of the semester is pretty busy for everyone, and I have to try to remember that. I also was diagnosed with BPD, and I have to remind myself that she is probably just very busy and not abandoning me. Thankfully my husband is very supportive. Him and my son are my motivation many times.  

I appreciate you guys just letting me vent and sending the words of encouragement.

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