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Feeling Okay About BP life consequences


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I really struggle with how my life has turned out. I can't work or study anymore, don't have any friends or close relationships besides my little dog. It makes me so sad and I feel so disappointed in myself. Ashamed. I see that other people manage to live well with MI, and I am ashamed I failed to. It's the hardest part for me, coping with the ramifications and coming to terms. Im 26, so maybe after a few decades more, maybe I'll feel better about my fate? 

 

 

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Don't feel ashamed! It can be hard to not feel that way, but be kind to yourself. You're young, too, so you have plenty of time. I'm 27 and didn't get ANY kind of treatment until the beginning of last year, so believe me I've made a mess of my life thus far until like a few weeks ago. I've slowly been making huge steps and getting better. There's hope for sure. Just keep going and fighting. 

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You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have the right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

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This is one of the hardest things for me also, and it has been haunting me more than usual lately.  Like you, I cannot work or study, and the pain of that failure is immeasurable.  Unfortunately I don't have any advice, but I do understand how you're feeling.  I am sorry you're feeling this way, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

anemone

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I'm almost 37, and I can study and am studying, but it remains to be seen if I can ever hold stable employment for a decent length of time.  My past work history is shit so my resume looks like shit.  Sometimes I wonder if there's even a point to trying because employers only seem to care about what your resume looks like, and pretty soon I'll be bumping up against the possibility of age discrimination as well.  It also doesn't help that I refuse to work jobs where they treat you like shit because it's too destabilizing to my mental health.  If it weren't for my husband's income and ability to work I'm pretty sure I would be on disability now.  But I keep plugging away towards a Medical Laboratory Science degree, because what else can I do?  I'm not ready to give up yet, and OP, I hope you aren't either.  I don't know your history, granted, but 26 seems awfully young to give up on school and working.

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1 hour ago, philosophin said:

I'm almost 37, and I can study and am studying, but it remains to be seen if I can ever hold stable employment for a decent length of time.  My past work history is shit so my resume looks like shit.  Sometimes I wonder if there's even a point to trying because employers only seem to care about what your resume looks like, and pretty soon I'll be bumping up against the possibility of age discrimination as well.  It also doesn't help that I refuse to work jobs where they treat you like shit because it's too destabilizing to my mental health.  If it weren't for my husband's income and ability to work I'm pretty sure I would be on disability now.  But I keep plugging away towards a Medical Laboratory Science degree, because what else can I do?  I'm not ready to give up yet, and OP, I hope you aren't either.  I don't know your history, granted, but 26 seems awfully young to give up on school and working.

Some people manage fairly well, while others do not. There is no definitive litmus test. Some people actually do better with time. For me, it's another story.  My life blows up all the time, and I can't salvage it. With each passing year, things get worse and worse. It's a slow descent into Hell, I suppose. I try to be a good citizen and make amends, and all that, but it doesn't matter. It all turns into shit in the end. So now I just hope and pray that I don't end up in Hell, like I did over two decades ago after doing some drugs. I sometimes still think I died and went to Hell then. Such is the power of suggestion. Break free of the bondage. Make a better life for yourself. Do not resign yourself to being a slave. There is a better life waiting; embrace it.

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15 hours ago, philosophin said:

I'm almost 37, and I can study and am studying, but it remains to be seen if I can ever hold stable employment for a decent length of time.  My past work history is shit so my resume looks like shit.  Sometimes I wonder if there's even a point to trying because employers only seem to care about what your resume looks like, and pretty soon I'll be bumping up against the possibility of age discrimination as well.  It also doesn't help that I refuse to work jobs where they treat you like shit because it's too destabilizing to my mental health.  If it weren't for my husband's income and ability to work I'm pretty sure I would be on disability now.  But I keep plugging away towards a Medical Laboratory Science degree, because what else can I do?  I'm not ready to give up yet, and OP, I hope you aren't either.  I don't know your history, granted, but 26 seems awfully young to give up on school and working.

Holy Crap I need to NOT post on ambian.  I went off it for a while now I'm back babbling awau.

Resumes are (often) wastes of time.   They look for gaps in employment.  Fill in those with "contractor"  

Whatever biz your interested in go to the trade shows and collect cool peoples names.   Then when you interview drop some of those names and ask if they work in that building and saw you think it would be cool working at a place where they did.   It helps get your foot in the door and if your familiar with the company and some of the staff it helps slide you in.

Age discrimination at 37 Ooooooh how I hate you..  (Not really)  Its when your on the 19th year with a company with a retirement program that you get "discrimination"   They fire you then rehire you as a contractor so your bilked out of retirement. 

SIGH

 

Edited by HAL9000
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10 hours ago, philosophin said:

I'm almost 37, and I can study and am studying, but it remains to be seen if I can ever hold stable employment for a decent length of time.  My past work history is shit so my resume looks like shit.  Sometimes I wonder if there's even a point to trying because employers only seem to care about what your resume looks like, and pretty soon I'll be bumping up against the possibility of age discrimination as well.  It also doesn't help that I refuse to work jobs where they treat you like shit because it's too destabilizing to my mental health.  If it weren't for my husband's income and ability to work I'm pretty sure I would be on disability now.  But I keep plugging away towards a Medical Laboratory Science degree, because what else can I do?  I'm not ready to give up yet, and OP, I hope you aren't either.  I don't know your history, granted, but 26 seems awfully young to give up on school and working.

Yes. ^^^ THIS^^^^

Oh man, I can so relate to you. Now especially, being a 40-year old woman. I've had a stable work history however, at the moment, a HUGE (several years) work gap (unemployed at the moment). I have to list BS volunteer positions to fill this recent gap, because it's a huge red flag for employers. My husband supports me now, but if not I'd probably have to go on SSI also.

With little career progression, only a (sort of generic, useless) Bachelor's degree, I can seem to only get these awful, boring-ass administrative jobs (the bane of my existence) which bore me to tears and feel meaningless OR I get treated like sh*it and end up being in contact with sociopathic jerks which make me super unstable. I've also become pigeonholed into this particular role, and no matter how hard I try or how hard I work I've been unable to move up the food chain. I have no desire to be a supervisor/manager and I am unable to get stable Freelance work with my non-special skills. I'm trying to figure out what my next move is, I'd love to go back to school, just don't know for what and it's so expensive/time consuming if you are not passionate about the degree/profession!!! Depression sucks. Yet, I agree, 26 years old is WAY to young to give up on school and/or working!

Edited by cloudmonger
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I spent so many years, decades, feeling ashamed of myself and embarrassed I did so little and feeling it so throughly that I think I just burned out of feeling that anymore. It is like I went through the valley of shame and now I'm on the other side. I still don't do much of anything, certainly nothing practical or that makes money. I am not going to fulfill any of my past dreams. I don't have enough mind left to finish school and I'm too old anyway. I really don't know why it doesn't bother me, I spent so many years bothered. It sounds depressing, but everyone is going to die and any effect they had will fade to nothing over the years and so we are all the same, those who produce a lot and those who don't. Once I let go of any expectations of myself I could find some satisfaction in my little life as it is.

You are still young. A lot could happen or not happen. The only thing I regret from my youth is that I felt so much shame for so long. The shame did nothing for me except make me feel worse than bipolar and ptsd already were making me. We are all the same in the end. You are not worse than anyone else. You have nothing to be ashamed of. It is what it is. 

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I'm a lot older than you. I had many years of no diagnosis, then misdiagnosis and ineffective meds, years of alcoholism. In the last 10 years I've had appropriate care. I guess I haven't done totally badly but I've fallen short of my expectations. Failed marriage, no kids, friends who walked away from me during what I'd know call episodes. Failed career, but did regroup. No savings due to manic spending sprees. But others without MI may have a similar biography, and I could also look at the other side-yes, had a marriage and friends and jobs, that's nothing to downplay. But I feel if I had been more stable it all would have turned out more what I wanted. Regrets will drag me down though so I try to stay away from that thinking. Seems I start over in some ways, a lot. I wish things had been different but they weren't so here I am. I am in online school trying to stay employable and it's kicking my butt. But I feel I need to move forward as best I can and hope the stress doesn't mess me up again. You are young, whatever your life is like doesn't need to be your permanent state. I hope you can make changes to get you some of what you want. I do feel it's harder with MI and yes I resent that, but then I feel like a whiner--others have issues, too, not just me, so no one truly has a free ride in life, or so I tell myself. 

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