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I never do enough, I am obssesed with being productive 100% of time


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Today I went to the day hospital as always, but I was feeling a bit low (I woke up feeling bad) and didn't study while I was in the day hospital (I have an examn on Thursday).

Then I had a lot of anxiety because I didn't studied; I could calm myself around 17:30 and went to the library at 18:30 until 20:00. I studied 1h and 10 minutes (I took some 5 minutes breaks)
When I returned home I had horrible anxiety, then two panic attacks because "I haven't done enough today"

Yeah, I did some, I am over-self-demanding, I never do enough and feel useless, today it has been a particular bad day for this, normally I feel bad or wrong if I am not all the time doing something productive. 

I feel I need to be always doing something productive, I can't even play videogames because even if I like them I feel I am wasting my time, it causes so much anxiety I have to stop playing or take a benzo before playing.

At night (some hours ago) the anxiety-useless-obssesive cycle began and it was bad enough to cause me to hallucinate (because of stress) I heard voices telling me how useless, idiot, lazy, etc. I am... while I was having an anxiety crisis.

I took 2mg of clonazepam and 600mg of gabapentin... feel better.... some melatonin too, vitamins, and triptophan...


Anxiety is gone,  but I am worried I am being to... exigent? self demanding? What would be enough, studying 5h a day? I am not mentally stable (almost when it's about psychosis, moderately stable with mood and none stability with dissociation), but I still think or try to be an excelent student. Maybe am I asking/forcing myself too much? 

I was IP in december because I couldn't take care of myself (basic tasks), now I can, I am much better... but since 2 weeks, it's not enough to be stable, but I can't stop forcing myself to almost perfection.


What do you think? Is this some kind of OCD-like thing? How can I handle it? Do you relate?

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8 hours ago, OliverB said:

At night (some hours ago) the anxiety-useless-obssesive cycle began and it was bad enough to cause me to hallucinate (because of stress) I heard voices telling me how useless, idiot, lazy, etc. I am... while I was having an anxiety crisis.

I took 2mg of clonazepam and 600mg of gabapentin... feel better.... some melatonin too, vitamins, and triptophan...

Anxiety is gone,  but I am worried I am being to... exigent? self demanding? What would be enough, studying 5h a day? I am not mentally stable (almost when it's about psychosis, moderately stable with mood and none stability with dissociation), but I still think or try to be an excelent student. Maybe am I asking/forcing myself too much? 

I was IP in december because I couldn't take care of myself (basic tasks), now I can, I am much better... but since 2 weeks, it's not enough to be stable, but I can't stop forcing myself to almost perfection.

What do you think? Is this some kind of OCD-like thing? How can I handle it? Do you relate?

I've had similar symptoms OliverB - well in my case - it's sort of a "Perfectionist" mindset (also not being productive enough)...I have obsessive debilitating thoughts about how useless, lazy, not good at anything I am...and if I can't do this perfect, why bother? I think these thoughts are not uncommon with depression & anxiety disorders. When you are recovering from a difficult episode, the stress & anxiety of "recovering quicker" can really push you over the edge. It's like beating yourself up when you're already down. It sounds like the meds are helping somewhat?

I'm not sure how to best deal with these feelings/thoughts. My Tdoc would always tell me to think about how far I've come (when I've had bad episodes & not functioning) and to hang on to the belief that "I am doing the best I can do for the moment....Each day I'm getting better & better.....Take things one day at a time......Tomorrow is a new day" I admit, it is very difficult to have these positive thoughts when you are drowning in negativity and want to achieve certain things!!!

I don't know if there is a way to temporarily lower goals/outside expectations for yourself in order to give yourself some time to get up to speed again?

Edited by cloudmonger
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Thank you for answering, I can't reply appropriately because I am extremelly dissociated right now, too much derealization...

I am resting today...

 

I have been really psychotic for too much time, it went away, I had a short post psychotic depression, meanwhile I was obsessed with time and being perfect, I felt a bti better and thought I had to do everything right and now, and now I am not psychotic dissociation it's becoming a problem...

Too many problems...

Edited by OliverB
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12 hours ago, OliverB said:

Yeah, I did some, I am over-self-demanding, I never do enough and feel useless, today it has been a particular bad day for this, normally I feel bad or wrong if I am not all the time doing something productive. 

I have a similar problem to you so I can relate.  A lot of time I feel useless because I do almost nothing during the day, and then nothing gets accomplished.  Some days are exceptions though, where ie if I am out for the morning at appts, then come home to sleep and get nothing done, that is ok for me because the appts wore me out.

What would you need to do to become an excellent student?

I'm sorry about the:

12 hours ago, OliverB said:

the anxiety-useless-obssesive cycle began and it was bad enough to cause me to hallucinate (because of stress) I heard voices telling me how useless, idiot, lazy, etc. I am... while I was having an anxiety crisis.

How annoying.  Have the hallucinations gone away since posting?

Idk if you are asking too much ...  would say to so your best of what you are doing, because no one can ask for more. So if ie one day you try your hardest on something but it doesn't get done, say because you are tired, well you've done your best.  And no one can ask for more than that.  IMO, at least.

I know you are doing much better than awhile back, but if you feel like you are slipping, I would highly recommend asking for a med tweak ... or if you feel like it is spiraling out of control, maybe IP?  That might be the best way to handle it right now.

1 hour ago, OliverB said:

Thank you for answering, I can't reply appropriately because I am extremely dissociated right now, too much derealization...

I am resting today...

 

I have been really psychotic for too much time, it went away, I had a short post psychotic depression, meanwhile I was obsessed with time and being perfect, I felt a bti better and thought I had to do everything right and now, and now I am not psychotic dissociation it's becoming a problem...

Too many problems...

How has your sleep been?  If you aren't getting enough sleep, that *might* be contributing the psychosis.

At this point, I would call your pdoc (even though it is a weekend) and ask about what options you have.  IMO, I think that IP would be best now because I would hate to see you spiral out of control right before your eyes.  And from what you write it doesn't sound like you have turned around and are doing fine like you were.

 

 

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1 hour ago, melissaw72 said:

I have a similar problem to you so I can relate.  A lot of time I feel useless because I do almost nothing during the day, and then nothing gets accomplished.  Some days are exceptions though, where ie if I am out for the morning at appts, then come home to sleep and get nothing done, that is ok for me because the appts wore me out.

What would you need to do to become an excellent student?

I'm sorry about the:

How annoying.  Have the hallucinations gone away since posting?

Idk if you are asking too much ...  would say to so your best of what you are doing, because no one can ask for more. So if ie one day you try your hardest on something but it doesn't get done, say because you are tired, well you've done your best.  And no one can ask for more than that.  IMO, at least.

I know you are doing much better than awhile back, but if you feel like you are slipping, I would highly recommend asking for a med tweak ... or if you feel like it is spiraling out of control, maybe IP?  That might be the best way to handle it right now.

How has your sleep been?  If you aren't getting enough sleep, that *might* be contributing the psychosis.

At this point, I would call your pdoc (even though it is a weekend) and ask about what options you have.  IMO, I think that IP would be best now because I would hate to see you spiral out of control right before your eyes.  And from what you write it doesn't sound like you have turned around and are doing fine like you were.

 

 

It's horrible to feel useless, I am sorry you experience the same.

To become an excellent student I need to study more and attend lessons, something I haven't been able to do because of all that's going on.

The hallucinations are coming and going, they scream "useless", "stupid", etc. even if I don't feel useless anymore. I know, I try to think if I haven't done everything I could I shouldn't be asked to do more and it should be OK, my pdoc says I do a lot and make a great effort and somtimes I push myself too hard trying to do well in college as if I were completely sane (but I want to be healhty....so I try to behave as if I ware and maybe I set objetives that I could achieve if I were healthy, but not being like this).

I am having nightmares almost every night since I have less psychosis, it's because I dissociate more and dissociative parts who hold traumatic memories are appearing again.

Now as I said in the SZ subforum I don't feel like yesterday I so I am not obsessed like yesterday I was, but yesterday I is behind me and she is obsessed and anxious. I am just confused and extremelly dissociated.

I don't know if I am spiraling out of control in a dissociative way (or psychotic... but I know the insulting voices are wrong).

 

This is not good but it's "the good thing", it means I am more in reality and less psychotic, it means I am rembering, dissociation appearing means I am mildy mildy or 0 psychotic, and the fact some traumatized one appears means it's possible to work on the trauma.

Even if this can go out of control the fact it's happening means I am going better.

Like when I had a short post-psychosis depression... it's good because it's mean I am not psychotic anymore!

I feel too confused and going  crazy and too spaced out.... but I guess this is not going to kill me and even if it feels really bad I am not in danger. I don't know if the confusion is good or bad sign, if dissociation mix up with psychosis it could be really bad (like, as an example, feeling my hands are not mine because of dissociationd and trying to cut them because of psychosis I end up believing they should be cut, it's an example, it's not happening, not the psychotic part, my hands feels not mine, but I won't cut them)

Edited by OliverB
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58 minutes ago, OliverB said:

I don't know if I am spiraling out of control in a dissociative way (or psychotic... but I know the insulting voices are wrong).

I'm glad you know that!  And like you, I was dealing with the insulting comments also and learned to get around them.

When I was totally psychotic, and not IRL at all, the voices said bad things to me and about me ... but eventually they became helpful and taught me something ... "they" said if "anyone" accuses me of doing or saying anything bad about me, just say back to them, "prove it."  And that really helped knowing.  And more than not it helped the voices to stop saying things to me.  And the insults were much less after that.

I'm sorry I don't have much more to add.

 

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On 21/1/2017 at 9:32 PM, JustNuts said:

It looks like me! But I think I have just traits that understress become pathological.

On 21/1/2017 at 5:05 PM, melissaw72 said:

I'm glad you know that!  And like you, I was dealing with the insulting comments also and learned to get around them.

When I was totally psychotic, and not IRL at all, the voices said bad things to me and about me ... but eventually they became helpful and taught me something ... "they" said if "anyone" accuses me of doing or saying anything bad about me, just say back to them, "prove it."  And that really helped knowing.  And more than not it helped the voices to stop saying things to me.  And the insults were much less after that.

I'm sorry I don't have much more to add.

Ah, thank you!

I am trying to silence them but it is not working!

Now they tell me to kill myself, fantastic. I am under stress because of an examn I have I still need to study for, but since all the dissociating things happening I am not really well enough to study.... more more more stres... then now they insult me and tell me I have to die or kill myself. 

But I am not psychotic, I know, they are from stress, they don't say the true, it's just a distorted perception of the stress I feel.

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9 minutes ago, OliverB said:

It looks like me! But I think I have just traits that understress become pathological.

Ah, thank you!

I am trying to silence them but it is not working!

Now they tell me to kill myself, fantastic. I am under stress because of an examn I have I still need to study for, but since all the dissociating things happening I am not really well enough to study.... more more more stres... then now they insult me and tell me I have to die or kill myself. 

But I am not psychotic, I know, they are from stress, they don't say the true, it's just a distorted perception of the stress I feel.

That sucks to be under stress like that.

(in bold) I'm glad you have insight into what is going on.

With the voices telling you to kill yourself, personally (if they were saying that to me), I'd ask why (do they want me to kill myself), then if they give reasons, I'd ask their reasoning for their reasons as to why they are saying that.  And hopefully that will shut them up!

OH ... if you say "prove it," or anything else, ask them why and to show you something IRL to prove what they say.

Edited by melissaw72
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I don't know if it's an OCD thing, but I have OCD and I'm totally like that. So I suppose it's possible. If I'm not being productive every waking minute I start going crazy, even though this is bad for my mental health. I just don't know how to relax.

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8 minutes ago, melissaw72 said:

That sucks to be under stress like that.

(in bold) I'm glad you have insight into what is going on.

With the voices telling you to kill yourself, personally (if they were saying that to me), I'd ask why (do they want me to kill myself), then if they give reasons, I'd ask their reasoning for their reasons as to why they are saying that.  And hopefully that will shut them up!

OH ... if you say "prove it," or anything else, ask them why and to show you something IRL to prove what they say.

I will try, I think I have never tried to talk to these ones in particular, I know some voices I have had answered to my questions but others didn't.

8 minutes ago, aura said:

I don't know if it's an OCD thing, but I have OCD and I'm totally like that. So I suppose it's possible. If I'm not being productive every waking minute I start going crazy, even though this is bad for my mental health. I just don't know how to relax.

Yeah, that's it, impossible to relax. And it's really really bad for psychosis (and I guess for others conditions too).

 

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50 minutes ago, OliverB said:

Yeah, that's it, impossible to relax. And it's really really bad for psychosis (and I guess for others conditions too).

Yea, I find that too. When I go for a few days without relaxing I start getting hallucinations. Ironically, since they tend to make it difficult to work, I end up taking more breaks and finishing early.

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