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        Greetings everyone, I had honestly forgotten about my mood disorder. I have gone for years without any major episodes.

        Over the summer I had renewed my eyeglasses/contact prescription from a clinic affiliated with my childhood. In my file they had mailed me, it stated a diagnose of bipolar. Yeah right, had taken medication in my younger years for both depression and adhd. I experienced extreme reactions to both. Whatever. Long time ago anyways. I'm just a dude with lots of empathy, my motto is care more. Never looked back.

Then... yah know, 'till now. 

Heh...

        Had a long hypomanic period (almost a year) that enveloped two short states (about a week or two a piece) of depression. It ended in a four to five week period of mania. Not the feel good everything is sweet, but dysphoricky, psychotic kind, terminologies, mixed, mind trickery bleh. Sucky. 

        I feel pretty fucking depressed right about now. Postdroming would be the hip lingo methinks. Or post-whatever-whatever. 

        When I was manic I related my experience to times in my past I had felt similar. This most recent bout, the most extreme by far, is not the first time I have experienced hallucinations or delusions during those "difficult" times.

        Anyways, it seems that for the most part, I float from one period of hypomania to the next with intermittent periods of mild depression. Up and down, up and down for two, three, four years then... boom! Shit just gets unreal, blend of all symptoms. Depression for a few months, rinse and repeat.

        To pose my question, is there a possibility that one could spend so much time on the manic side of life? It is kinda opposite of the descriptions for bipolar 2 I have read, I dunno maybe. My depression only feels like contrast to my elation. Hard to describe. As difficult as it is right now, it is not nearly as terrifying as my mania.

        Also, is it realistic to pursue a life without medical attention until one should really be institutionalized during full mania? 

        Would I be lying to myself by embracing my hypomania? Maybe I am just not experiencing any symptoms during those times and I'm just a philosophical, passionate, eccentric. It all just reads like hypomania...fuck. I don't know, I am trying to understand. Crazy talk... Though I have read that episodes can last for a long time. Maybe I have just learned to cope with depression but not mania. I don't know. I am not suicidal but have had suicidal ideations during my episodes. 

        A close friend of mine since childhood had a psychotic episode or break last year and is being effectively treated for psychosis. I know that medication serves a very real purpose. I mean, my mother has struggled with controlling her bipolar type 2 with various medications her entire life, but it helps her control it. I have always had poor experiences with any sort of medicines aside from antibiotics. Hah! Had some pretty weird hallucinations after getting a tetanus shot with some added violent mood swings, paranoia and blacking out forgetting where you are kinda shit. Lasted three days. Hard to paint a house with that goin on. Avoid ladders...

        Maybe I'm just afraid... A lot has been going through my head. Not as bad as it was for a minute though.

       That being said, care more my friends and thank you for any input. May we build eachother up! We may not heal, we may not get stronger, but damn it, we will get better at fighting!

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Welcome to CB!

1 hour ago, Toas said:

To pose my question, is there a possibility that one could spend so much time on the manic side of life? It is kinda opposite of the descriptions for bipolar 2 I have read, I dunno maybe. My depression only feels like contrast to my elation. Hard to describe. As difficult as it is right now, it is not nearly as terrifying as my mania.

Do you have a psychiatrist and are you on meds?

To answer your question, I think it is possible, but I also think it is a sign that you need a med adjustment or something, and a call to your psychiatrist (pdoc).  (This is assuming you are on meds and have a pdoc).  If you don't have a pdoc and are not on meds ... I think it is very important to find one, and to start on meds.  From what you write, it sounds like you feel out of control.  I'm not a DR, just my opinion.

If you do not have a psychiatrist, I highly suggest finding one ... you don't have to live like you have explained in your OP.

1 hour ago, Toas said:

        Also, is it realistic to pursue a life without medical attention until one should really be institutionalized during full mania? 

I don't think so.  I think stopping the mania in its tracks is a much better idea than being IP somewhere when you are totally manic and out of control with it. 

1 hour ago, Toas said:

Maybe I have just learned to cope with depression but not mania.

You might have learned to cope, but I think there comes a point where it becomes almost impossible to cope with full-fledged depression ... especially if you have gone in to the dark pit that just keeps making you lower and lower when depressed until you hit rock bottom, and where you'd need intervention somehow.

1 hour ago, Toas said:

I know that medication serves a very real purpose. I mean, my mother has struggled with controlling her bipolar type 2 with various medications her entire life, but it helps her control it. I have always had poor experiences with any sort of medicines aside from antibiotics. Hah! Had some pretty weird hallucinations after getting a tetanus shot with some added violent mood swings, paranoia and blacking out forgetting where you are kinda shit.

Are you on medication now?  IMO it sounds like it would be a really good idea to be evaluated and then go from there. 

(bold) Does this mean you are not on meds?  With having poor experiences with meds ... have you tried every single med out there, in all the combinations possible, with different doses? Were you seeing a pdoc  who prescribed them for you (meaning you used to have a DR)?

IMO not all meds have a poor experience associated with them.  Or i guess I should say, I have never heard of a person not being able to take any meds because they've had poor experiences with them.  If anyone has experienced this, please post, and  a link saying how this is possible.  I am not discounting your experience, just saying that there might be a med/s you haven't tried that would end up giving you a positive experience.  I really think meds would help you.

 

 

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First, Toas, welcome to CB. We're glad to have you. Please PM me or one of the other mods if you have any questions about how the site works.

Second, yes, I know it's possible for people to have such protracted hypomania. I've met people who've lived that way. 

Third, by reading your entry closely, I see that you can identify periods of both mania, dysphoric rather than euphoric, and depression in your past. Put all that together with what already exists in your medical history and I think you can make pretty strong case arguing that you have a mood disorder. 

Leaving a mood disorder untreated is a dangerous thing to do. These chemicals in your brain aren't just driving your moods and behaviors now. They're laying down pathways in your brain that make future responses along the same lines more likely, and more powerful when they come. Concisely put, the more you do it, the more you'll do it. Check out the research into the kindling theory of bipolar and epilepsy. 

Your personality may be philosophical, passionate, eccentric-none of these traits are exclusive to the bipolar population. You do owe it to yourself to find out if your life could be made better, safer, more sustainable, by medication, and/or by therapy, to help you understand the edges between your nature and your diagnosis, whatever it may be.

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Thank you Melissaw and Gearhead for your responses, and the warm welcome. My hanai mother advised me to find a support group so, here I am. I will seek a local group I can attend in the near future. 

I have been diagnosed. Well over a decade ago. I was 14 or so, give or take. Before being diagnosed with bipolar,  I had been misdiagnosed with depression and adhd. I had taken medication for both adhd and depression. Not a good time. I have not taken medication for my bipolar. 

It is and always has been terrifying to see my mother struggle so hard while adjusting, switching, and experimenting with medications. I fear I will have a similar experience. I do not view her or my own experiences with medication as stable. She is doing alright now but it never seems to last for long. 

I know I should speak with a medical professional,  and I will,  but I want to have an understanding of what to expect, and to have an idea of what I want. 

This is my first step in the right direction.

I have experienced MDE's before, and they are mearly uncomfortable times compared to my full mania. I can cope until I become psychotic. I have always exhibited visual signs and have a strong support group of friends I communicate with. When I start to lose control of the 'volume dial' , they can see it and they tell me. Heh... all before me "remembering" and putting a name to what I have been going through. I feel that I would be more than capable of checking myself in. Maybe even eager. 

I got way, way out there for a second man...

It is curious that my mind could possibly erode trails that would become easier and easier to slip into. 

Do you have any information you could lead me to along those lines? I have read a little into amino acids and how NAA will deplete after you go through this sort of thing, also read a bit into psychophysics and I know quite a bit about nutrition and health. Appreciate it Gearhead.

Thank you both for your input so far! One of my friends who I respect the most disclosed his diagnos of bipolar type one last week when I told him what I was going through. I'm going to visit with him now. 

Also, has anyone had positive experiences with public health programs? I have gone from moderately wealthy to very much in debt after certain events.

Whoda thunk? Lol, also lots of love. 

-Toas

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40 minutes ago, Toas said:

I know I should speak with a medical professional,  and I will,  but I want to have an understanding of what to expect, and to have an idea of what I want. 

(in bold) The first thing you'd do is find a pdoc ... have a name of one. 

You could either research that pdoc on-line if you wanted to (although had I done this with a certain DR I have, I would have missed out on a great DR ... all 1-2 star ratings, but I would give him 5 stars.  So I wouldn't pay as much to reviews, IME anyway). 

Then you'd call the office (make sure they take your insurance) for an initial consultation appt.  It might take a couple months to get an appt. (whatever it is, it isn't right away).  So calling around ... the earlier the better.  Then you'd answer questions, talk, get meds, etc.

You might not 'click' with the pdoc the first time, or maybe you will.  You won't know that unless you try. 

I'm glad you have a strong support group of friends.  That is a really helpful thing to have.

52 minutes ago, Toas said:

I have experienced MDE's before, and they are mearly uncomfortable times compared to my full mania. I can cope until I become psychotic. I have always exhibited visual signs and have a strong support group of friends I communicate with. When I start to lose control of the 'volume dial' , they can see it and they tell me. Heh... all before me "remembering" and putting a name to what I have been going through. I feel that I would be more than capable of checking myself in. Maybe even eager. 

Do you mean "checking myself in" to go IP?  If yes, this is a reason to have a pdoc in place ... so you could call him/her when this happens, to avoid IP. 

FWIW, from my POV, IP really sucks, and as many people here know, you could come out worse than if you hadn't gone in.  Some have great experiences, but there are some who come out of IP feeling worse.

Re: public health programs where I live, I haven't used any.  In my case, IME, being on another list and in another system (meaning it is a separate list for MI, not it your pdocs files, but in other files aside from him.  IME the less lists the better).  That would probably be in my medical record also, so I will not use the public programs.  I'm sure there are different situations for everyone.  It is just more people to control my life.  Just my experience.

I hope this makes sense.

 

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Toas, despite the demise of the forums, I still recommend CrazyMeds as an excellent source of information about meds in all their nefarious glory.

I'm in the United States and can't give you any useful information about public health programs here, as I have always had private insurance. And, sadly, public programs vary so wildly throughout the US that what applies in one state may be utterly untrue in the state next door.

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