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Overwhelmingly depressed and no one to talk to.


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I have an MDD, GAD and Agoraphobia diagnosis and bottles of pills and none of it makes a goddamn difference. 

I'm holding onto my job by a thread because of the amount of time I've taken off due to debilitating depression and anxiety.  I'm sitting at my desk typing this post instead of working because I'm barely holding onto sanity.  I just want to go dance in the highway and let a bus crush me to smithereens.  I hate myself, I hate my work, and while I love my family they don't understand.  Anytime I get overwhelmed with depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts my pregnant wife immediately blames herself, so I've stopped turning to her about it.  I don't want to cause her anymore pain on my behalf.  

Does anyone have any coping techniques that work for them when they feel like they can't take another step?  I'm on a wait list to see a therapist but only God knows how long that will take.  I just needed to vent my thoughts before I have a total mental breakdown at my desk at work.  Please, someone answer.  Someone help.

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Hi. I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. I read your post and wanted to give you a response, but unfortunately, I don't think I have anything very helpful to say. You are definitely not alone though, and there are places where you can talk to people. Obviously, you're here, so you found one of them. The chat here can be extremely helpful. There are lots of like-minded people in there who also struggle badly with depression. The discussion board here can be a little bit slow. If you're looking for a more active place to post, you can try http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/forum/12-depression-central/. I post there as well and there are many, many kind and helpful people there. Good luck.

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Welcome to CB :) 

I'm sorry you are going through all of this ...

Do you have a therapist (tdoc)?  If not I would really suggest finding one ... they can be incredibly helpful. 

There are different kinds of therapy, but the kind that helped me the most was talk therapy.  At first I didn't know where to even begin, but once I started to talk I kept going and going on ... I had so much to say.  And just getting it all out of my system, telling someone else, was like a a ton of cement lifted off of my shoulders.  And after every appt I felt like that.  Never ran out of anything to talk about ... there was just so much shit happening in my life.

So I think it is worth a try to find a tdoc.

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I'm in the process of getting a tdoc.  I agree with you, I think it could be very beneficial.  Mental health resources are scarce in my community but there's one major clinic in town I can turn to.  I've done talk therapy before and found it somewhat helpful if the tdoc is a good fit.  The issue is money and time; I have shit for insurance and don't have the financial resources to drop on a 100/hr therapist.  Still, I'm going to try.  Part of me resents my family for the state of my life; at one point I was a successful recording engineer but I was self employed and needed insurance so I gave up my passion for my family.  I hate that part of me, because I love them and would do anything for them.  I just want to function like a normal human being.  That is too much to ask, apparently.  I feel like a pariah at work and at home.  There's so much anger and sadness built up and I'm just waiting for someone to set me off so I can unleash it and that's not right.  I need to control that urge if I want to keep my job and my family. 

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2 hours ago, jmjones418 said:

I have an MDD, GAD and Agoraphobia diagnosis and bottles of pills and none of it makes a goddamn difference. 

I'm holding onto my job by a thread because of the amount of time I've taken off due to debilitating depression and anxiety.  I'm sitting at my desk typing this post instead of working because I'm barely holding onto sanity.  I just want to go dance in the highway and let a bus crush me to smithereens.  I hate myself, I hate my work, and while I love my family they don't understand.  Anytime I get overwhelmed with depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts my pregnant wife immediately blames herself, so I've stopped turning to her about it.  I don't want to cause her anymore pain on my behalf.  

Does anyone have any coping techniques that work for them when they feel like they can't take another step?  I'm on a wait list to see a therapist but only God knows how long that will take.  I just needed to vent my thoughts before I have a total mental breakdown at my desk at work.  Please, someone answer.  Someone help.

Welcome to CB! I know many people here can relate to you here (I can definitely)...to the mental illness, overwhelming stress of keeping it together, trying to function as an employee, spouse, parent, despite feeling like a burden & having no resources, little social/friend network or any medications that really help. You start to think...Man I can't mentally or physically do this sh*t anymore.

I must commend you though for being able to white-knuckle it at a job, and support your wife through pregnancy, while going through a deep depression, anxiety and other mental health crisis - this is overwhelming. I can also relate having sh*tty insurance & not $100 per week to drop on talk therapy when insurance does not cover any portion of it. I wish I had some other advice, but as you will see many ppl here can relate and empathize..We're just simply trying to live the best we can, keep our heads just above the water, continuing to tell ourselves that tomorrow is a new day...All I can say it really helps me to come to this forum, blow off steam and express my challenges, receive/give support from others that understand how difficult things can be and try to give eachother hope for recovery.

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23 hours ago, jmjones418 said:

I have an MDD, GAD and Agoraphobia diagnosis and bottles of pills and none of it makes a goddamn difference. 

I agree with everyone else that talk therapy with good tdoc will most likely help a great deal.

As far as your meds go, have you told your pdoc how you are feeling?.....Maybe a meds change might help if the ones you're taking now haven't improved your depression....

Just a thought.

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Sorry you're having such a tough time.. I can definitely relate and I know having no outlet can make it 10x worse. I know you said there is only really one major clinic near you, that sucks. Most places I've lived have some clinics that offer sliding scale fees (based on income). Have you checked in with any local health clinics? Not specific to mental health I mean. But a general health clinic. Some do offer counseling services... or if you have an information line that you can call who may have other resources you were not aware of? Sorry if you've already looked into all of this...  but thought I'd share anyway in case you haven't.

The best thing I've found when I'm about to snap is to take a lot of breaks... get away from people for a bit. I too sometimes feel like I'm looking for an excuse to let out some of my pent up thoughts/ feelings. I know it's not healthy, but it is hard to redirect and express in a better way sometimes. Writing sometimes can help..just to get that frustration down on paper and then you can just rip it up if you want. Support groups are good too just to know you're not alone.

I hope things get better for you. I really can empathize... if you do get in to see a therapist it might be worth considering bringing your spouse in to sessions sometimes with you if they will allow it. It really has helped my relationship...  with understanding of what I'm dealing with, communication, etc. 

Good luck. 

 

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On 1/30/2017 at 9:51 AM, jmjones418 said:

I have an MDD, GAD and Agoraphobia diagnosis and bottles of pills and none of it makes a goddamn difference.

Helloooo Welcome to CB.. I have all those fun illness's you mentioned above as well... fun stuff right??, Anyway like people have mentioned.. before I was put on medicaid , I called around and some therapists offer sliding scales and I paid as little as $25 a session.. even tho depending on your financial situation that is still $100 a month and that still could be too much , it was for me.. i could go only go twice a month. What helped me.. was this site, workbooks and trying to get out as much as possible.. you said you are agoraphobic.. You do work? but only in a certain radius?  Take care.. I know this isn't easy. 

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