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Yeah, I'm rather classic BP1/psychotic symptoms and PTSD. But my worst symptoms, the o nes that drive me the wackiest and get me taken by the cops to the hospital for being homicidal are the anxiety, racing thoughts, and not remembering anything.

How about you?

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My worst ones are the out of control spending, sexual indiscretions, paranoia, anger, no rage, that will drop me down to the deepest darkest of depressions because I can't deal with my behaviour - I cannot accept that I would do the things I do in a mania.  Ahh, but I do.

I've been pretty good since being on Lithium when I take it, which has been pretty regular.  I do notice I bounce between functional hypo-mania or melancholy with periods of normalcy in between.

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Lemme see....

Mania: Feeling of floating a meter above the ground, feeling that I'm actually high, grandiosity, inflated self-esteem, hallucinations, racing thoughts, feeling that everything is spinning, euphoria, tons of energy, orgasm-like feeling.

Hypomania: Happiness, better self-esteem, tons of energy, racing thougts to a lesser degree, irritability.

Mixed State: Racing thoughts, negative thoughts, extreme irritability, wanting to die, tons of energy all focused on my negative thoughts, wanting to fight. Mixed State = THE WORST!

Depression: Apathy, negative thoughts, wanting to die.

Really good topic, btw. I'm gonna translate this and bring to pdoc.

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Heya,

Okay.

But then I'm off to dye my hair, which makes one huge mess.

Always:  anxiety, anxiety, anxiety.

Always:  angry, angry, angry.  This was largely killed by Lamictal.

The rest I copied from my post on another thread, b/c on rereading it sounds right.

Depressed (3 months out of 4):

Who gives a damn.  Not me that's who.  Hate me.  Hate the world.  Need a rest.  God I wish the car would crash.  Wish I could make myself drown.  Or freeze to death, they say that's quiet.  Fuck.  Whatever.  Just, whatever, whatever.  Hungry, sleepy, grumpy, various other dwarfs, whatever.  People suck, they scare me, can't talk to them, can't work, can't read, can't go to school.

Mixed/manic (4-8 weeks out of 52):

***All of depression, plus***:

Can't sleep, feed me.  Shut the fuck up, I'm talking, this is IMPORTANT.  I'm NOT YELLING.  Can't slow down enough to stop.  Can't focus, can't concentrate, can't fucking read for ten minutes.  What, you can't understand me??? Listen faster, idiot, you're such an idiot.  Fuck you, you hate me, you suck, go away dammit, I'll kill us both.  Crash the car, crash the car, crash the car, fiery collision would take me away and you with me, idiot anonymous (innocent) driver.  Fucking/Shopping/eating/alcohol will make it  better.  Well, it didn't, so now it's your fault, maybe ours both, let's buy a bunch of crap, fuck a lot, and have a big fire and die.

--------------

I tend to have some kind of wave between them.  No "normal" until meds (Lamictal) and the subsequent ability to READ and FOCUS (When Anger Hurts, best book I can recommend, watch for my review when I have the ambition  ).

I'm just *now* learning to see when an *episode* might be coming.

Not there yet, and they (even with Lamictal, hey, I'm still me) *still* catch me offguard.

---

Ugh.

--ncc--

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Glad you started this, Loon, I was going to start the same question! My latest hypomania started last winter, and lasted for months. Not every day was so freaking awful, but every day was worse than, say, normal. At worst, I should have been locked up. Fell into latest deep depression in June, and just during the past couple of weeks I've begun feeling the best I have since then. (did that sentence make sense?)

***

Rage rage rage rage rage

burning chest, throwing things, screaming fucking rage

inexplicable urge to run away

glass shards being stirred in my head

racing thoughts

waking up to screaming music in my head

deep obsession, feeling lost in a fog

frustration because obsessions are being interrupted

more rage

no sex - touch me and you die - seriously

then it crumbles into total numbness, heaviness, still obsessing but sleeping all the time.

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Sounds like a lot, or most, of you have rage as a main symptom! I'm happy I don't have that. Even in my manic states I'm very "make love, not war". And in every state I do tend to do that...lots of lovemaking!  ;)

But in mania it is careless and everything I don't want it to be.

Right now I'm swinging into a depression. I am getting off of Paxil and Abilify is still getting into my body, so I have alternating periods of forgetting my name and just plain weeping.

Thanks to all of you for thinking my t hread is cool. I usually think people will thiink they're stupid.

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I have periods of normal, which is most of the time, I think.

Sometimes I'm depressed, and I just want to sleep. I avoid people, don't take calls, and have the atypical eatmore/sleep more. I haven't let it be a problem for almost 2 years now, because I really want to do good in school, which now requires me to be there (at uni now, in highschool i taught myself everything, literally, and only went in to write tests).

And then sometimes, I'm jittery, like I'm on a wonky dose of some random stimulant, agressive, loud, overtalkative, and overly sexual. Its very inconsistent, which I find is worse. Sometimes, its all euphoric, grand master of everything, no one can stop me, everyone wants to be me or fuck me, etc etc. rarely. Usually its like, I want to kill you all, no one is good enough to be around me, Fuck you.

Sometimes, with random delusions, like people talking in whistle code about my every movement, watching me with secret cameras in my house, etc etc.

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Guest Skittle unlogged

Racing thoughts - as in I'm making perfect sense, why the fuck can't YOU keep up with me?!  Actually, sometimes I can't keep up with me either - it's as if my brain is 20 thoughts ahead of my mouth and I can't keep track of what's been said and what hasn't.

RAGE at everyone from those closest to me (particularly my husband) to innocent drivers on the street (who are clearly complete idiots who bought their drivers licences illegally instead of being tested like the rest of us)

I HATE being touched when I'm in a manic state - I feel like my nerves are right on the surface and any contact feels like an electric shock that makes me want to hit the roof.

Depression - which is what I'm sliding into now, although I'm trying to tell myself it's appropriate b/c of various circumstances (what is our disease and what is just normal reaction??) - just want to sleep all the time, don't want to eat, never answer the phone (actually the phone thing applies pretty much all the time), major effort to throw myself out of bed to feed the cats or go to the bathroom... I just feel heavy and incapable of achieving anything.  Even rolling over in bed is an effort.

Guess that about sums it up.

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Hypersexual.  Racing thoughts.  Sleeplessness.  Grandiosity.  Rage on occasion. All this followed by crash and burn depressions that have me on the couch or in the bed unable to move, to shower, to think.  I call in to work.  I either don't eat, or I eat everything in the house, and then order out and eat what they bring.  I don't, under any circumstances leave my house/apartment.  Life feels fucking hopeless.

I lost a few jobs this way.

It's been a while now since I've had to go through the throes of this.  Depressions, yeah.  Although not quite as bad.  I sit and stare into the TV, and sleep alot.  I don't want to eat.  I drag myself to work, and am not very productive.  Everythink is such a chore.  I'm pretty good at recognizing them now, and call my pdoc when I don't cycle out of them.

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Mania- at best, I just feel fucking awesome and like the most important special person on the planet. Then come the grandiose delusions- maybe I really *am* here to save the world, sit there awaiting my sign from the heavens as to what I am to do next. This quickly turns into intense paranoid delusions- there's cameras in my house, the NHS is using me as a test subject, if I go to the hospital they'll inject me with invisible cameras and they'll know that I know. fucked up stuff like that. Irritability seems to be surfacing more and more, though my manias are primarily euphoric.

Depression- I'm suicidal the moment I get depressed. Just can't stand it and want out, plan it, write drafts of suicide notes. Usually don't sleep though sometimes I sleep too much. Anger at the world. Believe no one can help me. Can't be bothered to go through the effort of seeing the new pdoc and hence think I should just go and die.

Man I hate BP.

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I've not been dx'd BP, but my tdoc is thinking along these lines. I'm curious about those of you who have anxiety as a symptom--does this occur all the time, or only in a manic or depressed state?

I've had some hypomanic phases since taking an SSRI where I am super productive, feel very positive, am much less anxious than normal, and do not  get "carried away" as in hypersexuality or over spending.

I have also had many depressive episodes my whole life where anxiety is a problem and can get quite acute.

During my normal states I am more anxious than the hypomanic states.

My pdoc has dx'd GAD and MDD. I'm not sure if my symptoms, particularly the anxiety, are really BP. I welcome your thoughts...

--Weasel

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Mania: 

Anger, racing thoughts, horrible jumping-out-of-my-skin feeling, ANXIETY!  Can't sleep, can't keep still, pace the house till my feet hurt.  My thoughts get so confused that even my dh can't understand me. I talk too much, too fast, too loud--and I'm always right and anyone who disagrees is unbearably stupid.  I buy multiple copies of weird things.  ("But I need five different garlic presses: otherwise how will I know which one I like best?") Oh, and I'm mean as a snake.  Afterwards, there are large chunks of it that I can't remember.

Depression:

Everyone hates me, and that makes sense because I'm stupid and useless.  I don't answer the phone, don't want to leave my house.  ANXIETY again.  Eat too much, sleep badly but too long.  Can't think straight, can't really do anything much.  Essentially it feels like someone dumped an old, heavy, musty, wet wool blanket on top of my brain.

...and people wonder why it's taking me a bit longer than usual to finish my degree. ;)

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Depressive side:

Can't sleep, but sleep too much

Can't eat, but eat too much

Everything is doom and gloom

The end is near

All we hold dear

Is almost dead

Dead.

Manic side:

I love you, you love me

Why, what do you mean, but come on, I'm not talkin too fast

LISTEN TO ME, why can't you hear me

FINE, I"m going out

I HAVE TO GET IN MY CAR AND LEAVE RIGHT NOW

And I'll do whatever it is that I want

So there!

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BPII here...

HYPOMANIA: Best.  Thing.  Ever.  Running around getting tons of projects completed (with objectively good results).  Running around exercising and active (like the time I went on a 6 month hypermanic sortie and cycled several thousand miles).  Everybody wants to talk to me at parties.  More people smile at me.  Would be hypersexual if any were available.  I know a lot of this is the hypomanic's perception, but I also do believe that there is objective improvement in the archetypal "goal-directed behavior" and social function in general.

DEPRESSION-LAND: Sometimes just fatigued and downtrodden.  Most of the time (I'm talking my weeklong sorties here), a ton of Whaleshit has fallen on me while I'm in the Mariana Trench in the Pacific Ocean.  Sleep all the friggin' time (12-16 hours a day, when possible).  Can't get myself to the gym.  "Getting things done" only refers to getting my ass out of bed, brushing my teeth, showering, using the bathroom PRN.  Sometimes I forget to eat... one meal a day if I'm lucky.  I'm one of the "lucky" depressives who loses a ton of weight while depressed.  People won't look me in the eye (sadly I've found this to be true, though I'm sure it's generated by the fact that I act pretty downtrodden to them!).  It seems that I'm making more and more mistakes in life everywhere.  There is no hope.  In the words of Evanescence's "Tourniquet"... "I WANT TO DIEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", but given the fact that God has saved my ass from near-certain death several times the past 22 years, I must have some purpose.  Maybe the purpose is to suffer.  Who knows.  But I personally don't believe suicide is right for me, especially considering that my (all batshit!) maternal grandfather, his mother, and her mother met their untimely demise through that exact method.

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MIXED- current status- racing thoughts of doom and destruction, crap and nonsense. No one likes me! I am a shitty employee (got fired 20 times in 5 years for being 'unstable'), crap crap and crap. My heart starts skipping beats even though I am 27 and totally healthy and have had every heart test under the scientific sun.

This is just withdrawl. Be strong self!

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  • 1 month later...

So many!

Depression:slow thoughts, hate everything, everything is hatefull and evil, people speak to me with an incriminating tone but I know it's not real.

mania: feels almost exactly like dextroamphetamine: racing heart, insomnia, euphoria, insatiable distracting absurd hornyness, talkativeness, lots of projects and hobbies, music in head, everyone is thinking about me.

Mixed: confusion, memory loss, paranoia, loss of usuall "filters" due to cognitive impairment and subsequent inabililty to compensate for madness, bouts of acidyness, replacement of my mind and soul with static.

-I like the "wet wool blanket on the brain" description ;) that's it!

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