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After a Suicide Attempt


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Accidentally posted something old. As I posted elsewhere I am returning to my BP I diagnosis after many years. Also PTSD. I had a suicide attempt last night and I'm not sure if I can even mention that on these boards? I wouldn't if I were in a situation where appropriate medical care were available. 

I'm in a foreign country. I woke up this afternoon after 17 hours to discover I was still very much alive. I do feel some ringing in the ears and balance issues. If I were in the States I'd be in the hospital. In reality, I don't have anyone to call here for help, not really. My family and I are not speaking for good reasons. My mother has said she wishes I was dead. 

I'm under a lot of professional pressure to succeed and everyone expects that I'm supposed to be working in this very stressful environment as the head of this thing, give so much of myself to everyone and get nothing in return. The problem with meds is they will not fix anything. Meds won't bring my family back, meds won't undo the fact that I'm entirely alone privately but expected to be massively expansive socially and publicly, meds won't solve any of these problems. When I woke up I sent two "friends" messages about what had happened -- my closest friend here and my closest friend at home -- and neither answered. 

I hate these kinds of posts because I like to be strong and because I got really far careerwise with all of this. But I'm not sure what I should do. Is there any point in checking myself into a hospital for a night just to get a blood workup? I should emphasize the hospitals in this country are considered traumatic to some people in themselves.

Again, please feel free to delete if you're not allowed to talk about this kind of thing. I know I must be a drag to everyone around me, but I make so much of an effort not to be. I don't get why I'm only allowed to be happy, on, exciting, etc. It's Saturday night and I'm getting old, and I can guarantee I will always be alone. I could settle, but frankly that would be terrible. I had a relationship in which we were really able to accomplish a lot together creatively and politically as partners, and a regular guy is never going to do it for me. It's also me. My best friend here said the other night "I notice with you that you can go out for a few weeks and convince everyone you're cool and normal and the most fun person out there, and then eventually something happens that's weird with you and it weirds people out so they kinda stay away." I don't know. 

Not sure what you do here. 

 

Edited by henrietta101
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1 hour ago, henrietta101 said:

Accidentally posted something old. As I posted elsewhere I am returning to my BP I diagnosis after many years. Also PTSD. I had a suicide attempt last night and I'm not sure if I can even mention that on these boards? I wouldn't if I were in a situation where appropriate medical care were available. 

I'm in a foreign country. I woke up this afternoon after 17 hours to discover I was still very much alive. I do feel some ringing in the ears and balance issues. If I were in the States I'd be in the hospital. In reality, I don't have anyone to call here for help, not really. My family and I are not speaking for good reasons. My mother has said she wishes I was dead. 

I'm under a lot of professional pressure to succeed and everyone expects that I'm supposed to be working in this very stressful environment as the head of this thing, give so much of myself to everyone and get nothing in return. The problem with meds is they will not fix anything. Meds won't bring my family back, meds won't undo the fact that I'm entirely alone privately but expected to be massively expansive socially and publicly, meds won't solve any of these problems. When I woke up I sent two "friends" messages about what had happened -- my closest friend here and my closest friend at home -- and neither answered. 

I hate these kinds of posts because I like to be strong and because I got really far careerwise with all of this. But I'm not sure what I should do. Is there any point in checking myself into a hospital for a night just to get a blood workup? I should emphasize the hospitals in this country are considered traumatic to some people in themselves.

Again, please feel free to delete if you're not allowed to talk about this kind of thing. I know I must be a drag to everyone around me, but I make so much of an effort not to be. I don't get why I'm only allowed to be happy, on, exciting, etc. It's Saturday night and I'm getting old, and I can guarantee I will always be alone. I could settle, but frankly that would be terrible. I had a relationship in which we were really able to accomplish a lot together creatively and politically as partners, and a regular guy is never going to do it for me. It's also me. My best friend here said the other night "I notice with you that you can go out for a few weeks and convince everyone you're cool and normal and the most fun person out there, and then eventually something happens that's weird with you and it weirds people out so they kinda stay away." I don't know. 

Not sure what you do here. 

 

(1st bold) You can say you had a suicide attempt, but can't explain how you did it.  So you are fine :) .

(2nd bold) I would definitely go to the ER (I am a bit of a hypocrite saying this though because I would never go to the ER ... but only the one in my area, the only one I am able to get to fast; others might not be as bad).  Some suck and others don't ... I think it would be a good idea to be on the safe side.  Does your psychiatrist (pdoc) know (or the DR who prescribes your meds)?

(3rd bold) Maybe if you see this friend again who told you this, I would ask 'why don't the people ask me if you (I'm) ok?' ... instead of backing off and staying away from you? 

Do these friends who back away come back to talking with you again, when you are cool, normal and fun again?

 

I'm sorry you are going through all of this ... being in another country without much support must be hard.

 

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Maybe a mod can move this post to the Self-injury forum ... you will probably get more answers that way. 

Keep this post though and don't re-do a new post saying the same thing ... You don't want to post twice in 2 different forums with the same content. Otherwise though post wherever you want, and the mods/staff/admin will move the post to the correct forum.

Welcome to CB :)

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6 hours ago, henrietta101 said:

Accidentally posted something old. As I posted elsewhere I am returning to my BP I diagnosis after many years. Also PTSD. I had a suicide attempt last night and I'm not sure if I can even mention that on these boards? I wouldn't if I were in a situation where appropriate medical care were available. 

I'm in a foreign country. I woke up this afternoon after 17 hours to discover I was still very much alive. I do feel some ringing in the ears and balance issues. If I were in the States I'd be in the hospital. In reality, I don't have anyone to call here for help, not really. My family and I are not speaking for good reasons. My mother has said she wishes I was dead. 

I'm under a lot of professional pressure to succeed and everyone expects that I'm supposed to be working in this very stressful environment as the head of this thing, give so much of myself to everyone and get nothing in return. The problem with meds is they will not fix anything. Meds won't bring my family back, meds won't undo the fact that I'm entirely alone privately but expected to be massively expansive socially and publicly, meds won't solve any of these problems. When I woke up I sent two "friends" messages about what had happened -- my closest friend here and my closest friend at home -- and neither answered. 

I hate these kinds of posts because I like to be strong and because I got really far careerwise with all of this. But I'm not sure what I should do. Is there any point in checking myself into a hospital for a night just to get a blood workup? I should emphasize the hospitals in this country are considered traumatic to some people in themselves.

Again, please feel free to delete if you're not allowed to talk about this kind of thing. I know I must be a drag to everyone around me, but I make so much of an effort not to be. I don't get why I'm only allowed to be happy, on, exciting, etc. It's Saturday night and I'm getting old, and I can guarantee I will always be alone. I could settle, but frankly that would be terrible. I had a relationship in which we were really able to accomplish a lot together creatively and politically as partners, and a regular guy is never going to do it for me. It's also me. My best friend here said the other night "I notice with you that you can go out for a few weeks and convince everyone you're cool and normal and the most fun person out there, and then eventually something happens that's weird with you and it weirds people out so they kinda stay away." I don't know. 

Not sure what you do here. 

 

It's not your fault. The MI can take over everything. You try the best you can. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. It's not the end of life. Unfortunately the rest of reality doesn't always agree with you. You need to learn when to submit, and when to fight. It's not always a simple solution. 

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What you're going through sounds dreadful, and if there's anything I or anyone else can do, let us know. 

1) Are you in a country with socialized health care? If so, it should be more affordable for foreigners than healthcare is in the US for people without insurance. 

2) I would strongly, strongly recommend going to an ER because they will keep you in a safe place for the next day, week, whatever they think you need in order to not be an imminent risk of dying.

3) Professionally, people might expect you to be productive and successful, but people usually expect a little less of us than what we think they do, and people are always more sympathetic than you might imagine. You don't need to disclose the details of what's going on, but you can always say that something needed your attention in your personal life and needed to take some time off. You might be through the absolute worst patch of this episode within a few weeks or a month or two, and that length of time off is pretty easy to pass off for whatever you want to say. 

Work means nothing if you can't survive. You can only gain benefits that it brings if you're alive. Everyone who matters who is linked to your work wants you to survive. Even though it's really important, I would try and remember that your life is the most significant thing there is, and that there is a pathway forward where you will be much healthier than you are now, and consequently, be able to deliver on your work and other things that matter to you. 

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