Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org
Sign in to follow this  
JustDucky

I want to run away..... if only for a few days

Recommended Posts

Last week my husband and my nephew got into a heated argument and granted my nephew was really being an ass but I got between them and my husband says he was trying to move me and hit the wall but what happened was he slammed me in the face and my other side of my face went into the wall. All of this happened after my husband had gone to a " men's group" at church and he came home all spiritual head of the family shit and a complete list on everything I could do better

the day before this incident I was having vertigo and went to NP after my self prescribing didn't work. My NP aren't me for cat scan and dr at hospital I think reported it or someone else and the police showed up to investigate 

end result .... husband has to go to 16 weeks of anger management classes and the social worker for the kids will now be stopping by more

of course all of this is being blamed on me from husband 

I left for 2 days and only came back after meeting with family counselor after refusing going to our church for counseling. Things here are really tough I am not over this the kids aren't over this and husband is pissed off because we're not

i understand that shit happens and I have been married a long long time . If he continues to go to this group who's only mission seems to be how to keep your wife in line , I won't stay 

Divorce has never been an option for me . But right now I don't want to talk to him and pretend that everything is ok. I'm not over it 

i dontwant hugs or kisses or really anything from him. I'm not trying to punish him I just want to be left alone and let me deal with this. I was an abused kid and this is going to take me awhile

we are going to counseling . I want to leave our church . Our church has never been equal within the family and I'm done with it . The only reason I stayed was for the kids to be married there but my daughter who is the only one unmarried and she has left the church. The niece and nephew are hanging out at a large Methodist church youth group and they are loving it 

have any of you ever experienced this kind out of outburst after many years of knowing someone? How did you recover ? How do you  move beyond anger ? How long does it take to heal

This whole incident has me completely rattled. I can't sleep I can't keep up with my meds and I am going to call pdoc for emergency appt. I am embarassed by the bruises on my face and I am sick of lying to people about how I got them

the niece is getting back to normal but the nephew speaks to him in 3-4 words period . Ok , yes sir, no sir, and FINE whatever you want 

I realize I am doing about the same yes no and I don't know or whatever is fine or whatver you want to do . I don't know how to recover from this and I am now exactly willing to try yet 

I have emergency money that he doesn't know about so I would be ok if I have to leave . His dad as he got older got meaner and meaner and if that's where we are heading then I will just have to go and that breaks my heart

if this drama continues it could affect the kids as they are legally foster kids.....  we will be meeting with them again ..... they are the ones who ordered the anger mgmt and marriage therapy requirement and I resent the hell out of it but I understand 

I don't know that there is anything my husband could do to make this better . I just don't know how to recover so any ideas would be greatly appreciated 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

JD I'm so sorry he did this to you.

It makes me think of a friend of mine whose abuser begged her for forgiveness. She told him not to ask her for that and that she wouldn't. It dawned on me that she didn't owe him forgiveness; it wasn't her responsibility to make her abuser feel OK with what happened. Whether or not you forgive your husband is for you to decide and on your timescale; it's not your duty. The fact that he's angry that you and the kids haven't moved on appalls me - it demonstrates a lack of ownership in what he did; accident or not. Punching the wall is not OK. My husband used to do that until I explained to him that I looked at it as an expression of threat - something that he wanted to do to me and I told him that it intimidated me. It's not OK. The fact that your husband accidentally hit you in the process doesn't make him hitting you less of a transgression.

The kids are watching to see how you handle this. Support and love them and demonstrate self-love. Let your husband be responsible for his actions.

Please be safe

Edited by RepentantSpatula

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh JD, that's so so crappy.

You and everyone in your house deserve to be free from abuse and harm.

I'm not at all surprised you're feeling all over the place and not sure where to start with moving through this. Especially as it, quite naturally, triggered memories of child abuse.

Do you have a safety plan that helps identify warning signs, triggers, and escapes for you and the kids? If not, any domestic violence advocate program can help.

It sucks that your husband is interpreting "spiritual head of the household" to mean having control over others. That's not how it's supposed to work... there's a whole other half to the statement "wives obey your husbands" which is "husbands cherish your wives". Cherishing does NOT include any of the things that happened. He's not upheld his end of the agreement. You are, therefore, not bound to yours.

I also agree with @RepentantSpatula's perspective that your kids are watching to see how you do this. Fair or not. I hope you're able to show them what healthy boundaries look like when someone has gotten violent... whether they meant to or not.

And I'm sure you know this, but I'm going to say it anyway. It is CLEARLY NOT YOUR FAULT for seeking care for your injuries, or for the increased scrutiny your husband is now experiencing. It's called "his actions = his consequences."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

JD I just saw this. I am truly floored. I will tell you this. Your kids are watching and learning about relationships from all this.

I think the cold hard facts need to be looked at. He wants to do things the Mormon way when they suit him, meaning, I am the man, I am in charge and can do no wrong. This just cannot work when ultimate authority is abused and it HAS been for years. I am not even speaking of physical abuse here. You have done way more than the average Mormon wife does. I don't know a lot of women in your church who work as many hours you have AND do as much work for the church, in the home and in their in-laws homes. This does not seem right and especially since you have MI and physical issues from your war injuries. You should have no guilt for bringing your sister's children into the family because they are family. 

Let's address the physical aspects now. This one is tough. That one is not likely to change and can be very dangerous. Keep that in mind for you, and the kids.  

There are also other ways of punishing people besides hitting them and I am worried about this as well.

I am not sure why you are opposed to divorce, but I will say this, my minister told me he says their ARE good reasons for divorce and he never encourages people who should be divorced to stay together, He prefaced that statement by saying he believes in marriage for life, but their really are exceptions and god does understand.

I would look for an attorney who handles cases involving: MI, children and the Mormon church. I did this for my sister when she almost lost custody of her kids to her Muslim ex. I would have done it earlier but she assured me she had a good attorney and she did not.

Take care and I am thinking of you.

TT

Edited by tired tammy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I just saw this aswell, I do not what I can add but you must takecare of yourself first, You have a lot of responsibility,  I am not sure how your religion really works since there is not much of it here. But you know when enough is enough, No person should be kept inline and those that try to are dictators.

I wish you the best my dear, always at the end of a PM if you need to vent

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. Since I am not married or ever been married my advice would be quite weak. 

But, the relationships I have seen in my life that have directly affected me....boundaries are a must. I am not sure if I processed what you said correctly, but I read that he is blaming you. Someone who is truly sorry and truly trying to make things right with you would not be trying to shift the blame even a little. You having a bruise shows there was a lot of strength behind his attack (whether accident or not). In addition, even if the attack wasn't meant for you.. he should never lay a hand on someone else especially a family member. 

We are also not of the same spiritual faith so I can't give much advice on your path of spirituality and your identity in spirituality/your identity with god. That is something that takes years to figure out and it seems like you are figuring out what type of relationship you have with god and how to emulate that in your relationships with god's creation. 

If he is not willing to fault him self where he is guilty and "not a victim of circumstances", is he really ready to change to bring the type of relationship you feel is healthy?

I know that some faiths do not recognize divorce....I grew up in faiths of that. But, in those faiths of mine where divorce is (usually) not approved. The priest/minster/whatever head title only approves of divorce if the man/woman is not fulfilling the requirements set out in their holy book. 

I think right now there is a combination of stuff you have to do.

1. Write out what is your ideal relationship with your deity/with god.

2. Write out what is your ideal relationship with a husband.

3. Write out what is your ideal spiritual community is.

4. Write out what is your ideal family format.

5. Meditate on your spirituality overall and read your scriptures and holy book/books

6. Then read all this out to yourself and compare the similarities and differences of Part 1 & Part 2  as well as Part 3 & Part 4. 

 

I am not sure how spiritual you are.... but since it was heavily talked about in your post. I would assume your faith is important to you. 

Take this time to really connect with yourself and your feelings. 

I hope some of my advice helps and I apologize if anything I have said felt inappropriate/crossing the line. 

Well wishes. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...