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For the past year I spent so much money that some days my husband didn't have money to eat. His teeth rotted because the was no money to get then fixed. Whenever I saw something I felt like I had to have it. I would forget how little money we had and just buy it. For most of our ten year relationship I haven't had a job. At first I would get jobs and not be able to keep them. I became convinced that my bipolar disorder was too severe and tried to get on disability but I couldn't. I finally just gave up. I've always been lazy but the past year I just laid in bed and spent most of the time obsessively reading trying to find answers to stupid problems that could never be answered. I wouldn't even pay attention to my husband when he got home from work I was so wrapped up in my phone. He would come home in severe pain and have to do the chores that I hadn't done all day and I wouldn't even offer to help. I thought it was his job making him hurt and didn't even connect that I was by not doing anything. He began to get depressed. Again I just thought it was his job and how his life was going at the time and didn't even think, hey, this is my fault. Towards the middle of the year things were getting really bad and I didn't notice, and he made friends with a girl because he was so lonely. I've always been jealous, so naturally I thought she was trying to take him. I got really angry and told him that I wished she would die, and she was suicidal and I don't remember if I knew that or not, but in any case I was too angry too care. He has never forgiven me for that. He was feeling so lonely and depressed and I never picked up on it. The last few months of the year he had given up and was planning to leave me. He was having sex online and started a blog filled with porn. He never told me he was going to leave because he was afraid of getting kicked out and had nowhere to go. He has said that I'm angry and violent and I know that I am sometimes, but I don't feel like it happens very often. I punched him in the leg once when I lost a game and I have punched inanimate objects and destroyed electronics a time or two. But this is over the span of a ten year relationship. At the end of the year I caught him cheating, got pissed and threw him out, realized I was angry and did something stupid and he was freezing in the cold and said he could come back. I got intensely jealous of his friend and didn't want them to be friends anymore. At the end of the year he was feeling suicidal often. I had to hide the keys and medicine repeatedly. At the end he came home from work broken saying over and over that he would never leave the house or make friends again. That it was the only way to make me happy. I told him it wasn't true. I just didn't want him being friends with her but something had broken. He sounded dead inside. For the next five days he was bent on killing himself. I couldn't leave his side. I hardly slept. I tried repeatedly to get him to go in the hospital but he said he never wanted to go back. It didn't help. He kept saying why would I not just let him end the suffering. I called an ambulance and he finally agreed to go to the ER, but when he got there he lied and said nothing was wrong. He went looking for the keys to the car and got very close to finding them. I got scared and called an ambulance again. He went and this time he must have told them because they wouldn't let him go home. He was only going to stay three days so I had him committed. I felt terrible but I didn't want him to die. It was the holidays so the courts were slow and he had to stay over a month. The time apart did us good and all we wanted to do was be with each other again. Everything seemed great but within a few weeks we have torn each other down again. I won't let him do anything without observing. I know it's wrong, but I'm so scared he's going to cheat again. I try to lay off but then I just can't handle it. We'll get into an argument and end up blaming each other for the past. It's so up and down. One day everything seems great, the next it feels like we're going to leave each other. There is so much heartbreak. We're trying to get counseling but can only afford so many appointments. I've been trying to change. When he was feeling better he helped me find a job and I've kept it for three weeks. I try to keep up with the chores but with my new job I falter. The major things were me constantly accusing him of things I'm starting to not even think he's doing and the hurt from the past. And then this happened...

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I got horny a few nights ago and asked if we could have sex. He said he was tired and would rather not. I should have just quit but I asked if I could touch it and he said fine so I did and after a bit he pulled his pants down. After a while I noticed he was getting hard and I thought that meant he was turned on so I wanted to get him off. He kept saying it was hurting but I just thought I was going over a spot that was previously chaffed so I thought if I moved my hand he could still enjoy it. I asked if I used my mouth if that would feel better and he said I could try. At that point he said ow, stop, and rolled over. After a couple of days he said he felt like he was being molested the whole time. I was shocked. He said he didn't stop me because he felt like I would start a fight or kick him out. I feel terrible. I wasn't trying to hurt him. Did I rape him? I want to work things out but after all I've done I feel unforgivable

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I heard okay, no actual sex because I'm tired, so I thought I was asking for something else. When he said fine, I thought that meant it was okay. He even took his pants down. When he got hard, I thought that meant it felt good so I kept going because I wanted him to feel good. I never knew what I was really doing to him. When he said anything at all about hurting I should've just stopped but I really thought I was going over a sore spot and if I changed positions it would feel better. He never flat out said no or rolled away or anything like that. He just laid there and let me do it. How was I supposed to know what's going on if he doesn't tell me? If he had said anything about how he felt I might have been shocked and hurt, but I would've stopped immediately.

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Honestly, I think you passed a boundary. "I'm tired" means "no".

What matters now is that you talk to him about it. Apologize and let him talk about how he's feeling. Don't get defensive. Let him speak.

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Yes, I agree with huntforbravery........

You need to apologize, and also let him speak freely about how he feels about it....This needs to be talked about ASAP.

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You two need couple therapy. 

This is a very unhealthy relationship dynamic. There is a lack of personal space, respect for one another, controlling behavior, lack of trust, and many other red flags. You are triggering him and he is triggering you. 

If he really did just pull down his pants because he was afraid of you becoming violent with him......that is abuse...the fear of saying no. 

A mediator is needed and maybe even separate living quarters in the house is needed. 

 

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Agreed. My fiance and I don't get along at all. I sometimes joke that we hate each other. But a relationship is equal parts. And it sounds like the past is a majority your fault. But the past few months both of you are at fault and need some help. 

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It's don't think there is any help left. I think he is going to go. Even though I know the past is mostly my fault I still can't stand to hear it from other people. I guess it sucks for other people to know what a piece of shit you are. We were good together for many years and I just don't understand what happened last year. I don't understand why I started to ignore his needs like that. I loved him deeply and cared about him and I just don't understand how I could do something like that. Once that happened the chain of events was kicked off the cliff. I ignored him, he backed away and lost trust, he cheated, I found out and lost trust, I held on so tight it turned into abuse. I know the other things were abuse too, but I wasn't deliberately keeping food or care from him. I always felt really bad when I found out he hadn't eaten and I don't remember it happening that often. It still should have never happened, but I don't remember it happening as often as he did. With the teeth I honestly thought it was so above our means we would never be able to pay for it. When it got really bad I couldn't stand to see him hurt and I found help for him at a low cost clinic. I honestly don't remember why we didn't just go there from the start. I remember he had a huge fear of dentists, so much so that I don't think he would go till it was really hurting. What those came down to was a spending problem. When I would buy things all I could feel was like I had to buy them. Like I had to. Like the first time I started trying to fight it I stood in Walmart in the same aisle for two hours trying to talk myself down. I had to fight myself hard not to do it. Becoming so controlling was born out of intense fear. I have severe fear of abandonment along with having bpd. I know it doesn't excuse what I did. But I was so terrified I felt like I had to check everything. And if I ever found anything I would get so upset. He kept saying I was getting mad at him but from my point of view I wasn't getting angry or violent. I was very hurt and upset. Any time I thought he didn't love me I would ask over and over again if he did. I would get my feelings hurt so easily. Whenever I heard his messenger go off I would get upset that he was talking to his friend. I couldn't stand that she was getting more attention than me. I felt threatened by her. She had sent him nudes once and he got off to them and that had really kicked the jealousy into overdrive. He had met her on Tumblr where they both have porn blogs and she regularly sells nudes. Of course I had a problem with her. And they both just expected me to accept it. And so I started to worry he would do this with any friend. He says I never trusted him or allowed him to have friends. And I have always felt threatened by other girls but not like this. I would do stupid shit sometimes but not like this. And by the end I had become so overbearing that this happened. And it is horrible and tragic and wrong. And when I realize what a horrible person I am I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out. I hate myself for what I did. 

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What kinds of support are you able to access for getting more skills to manage your emotions?

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I've been putting it off for fear of not being able to afford it but I'm going to call around and try to find a counselor today, hopefully who will work with me and can help me with DBT.

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How can you kick him out when you didnt work or do anything around the house. The best thing you can do is to let him go. You drove him to the edge and im sure he will end up there again. 

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Honestly,

I don't think it's completely your fault or his. He should have set the right boundaries and made it clear what he will or will not deal with. But, you also should have been taking the right steps to care for yourself. 

I don't think every situation (some) is one person's fault. I think it's a combination of choices and behavior no matter how big or small those are. You need to take responsibility for your actions and behaviors in this relations and so DOES HE. But at the same time we shouldn't take on the responsibility of other's behavior. You are at fault for how your responded and treated this situation not him as well as vice versa. 

I really think you two need time apart and do some personal 'soul searching'/internal analyzing. Because this is just a huge mess. 

You also have to properly discuss how money should be managed in the household or how money decisions are made. I think any major discussion about rules and boundaries of this relationship and household should be done in front of a therapist. So that there will be a third party to step in if things escalate. 

Whatever you two decide about living arrange should be done on equal terms. He may give you the house but require you pay certain bills tied to the house while the mortgage payment is equal responsibility until a decision on if the house should be sold or signed over to one of you. In addition if you two do continue to have some level of communication beyond basic conversation about bills and other responsibilities. It should be done in a public space and not through any written communication because miscommunication is easier to happen as well as it seems there is a level of physical abuse here. 

This is a toxic situation. 

 

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