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Accepting your delusions or hallucinations


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Ignoring them. Accepting them. Giving up hope. Not letting them interfere. Continuing even of they're there. Knowing you can't go up against them. Embracing them. Not fighting it. Adapting.

Has anyone else just accepted them?

I find it depressing that I've adapted and given up on the spying and mind reading. Over 10 years with them. 4 apartments. 3 cities. 2 states 1800 miles apart. 

I don't fight them. I've accepted that this is how it is and this is how it will be. It started when I was young (early teens maybe preteens) so I grew up with cameras, spies, mind reading, thought broadcasting, people plotting and more. 

They're clearly far bigger than me. If they want to spend their time watching me do nothing then so be it. I will let them. I don't care anymore. 

Yes, it's distressing and I want to kill myself sometimes because it's the only escape because I don't believe in the afterlife. 

The good ones left. I used to think objects were sentient beings and some were my friends but that's no longer a belief. :(  

Have you guys experienced this acceptance or defeat? 

Do your docs understand that it's still distressing even if you're Ignoring it?

It just makes me feel sad. But there are some things I can't change. 

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8 minutes ago, iaawal said:

Ignoring them. Accepting them. Giving up hope. Not letting them interfere. Continuing even of they're there. Knowing you can't go up against them. Embracing them. Not fighting it. Adapting.

Has anyone else just accepted them?

I find it depressing that I've adapted and given up on the spying and mind reading. Over 10 years with them. 4 apartments. 3 cities. 2 states 1800 miles apart. 

I don't fight them. I've accepted that this is how it is and this is how it will be. It started when I was young (early teens maybe preteens) so I grew up with cameras, spies, mind reading, thought broadcasting, people plotting and more. 

They're clearly far bigger than me. If they want to spend their time watching me do nothing then so be it. I will let them. I don't care anymore. 

Yes, it's distressing and I want to kill myself sometimes because it's the only escape because I don't believe in the afterlife. 

The good ones left. I used to think objects were sentient beings and some were my friends but that's no longer a belief. :(  

Have you guys experienced this acceptance or defeat? 

Do your docs understand that it's still distressing even if you're Ignoring it?

It just makes me feel sad. But there are some things I can't change. 

I don't have the same symptoms you describe (Hallucinations, delusional suspicious or paranoid ideas) but I am struggling with the fact that I will have this mood disorder/MI/Depression for the rest of my life. It is extremely difficult to ignore it and it is just as difficult to fight it. Fight vs Flight....

It probably will ever go away and it not only destroys me everyday -I don't know if doctors really understand that it is distressing me this much....it has severely disrupted my life and ability to function....it continues no matter what I try. Do you feel like the symptoms you describe above are intolerable or are you actually able to ignore and accept them? I don't think I could. If I was seeing/hearing/believing these things, I would crack and have to check myself in a hospital.

I WISH I could radically accept this disease and stop fighting. Or just give up and be defeated. I haven't been able to do either. I'm simply managing/surviving (in a mediocre sense)....like many of us here.

BTW I'm assuming you have tried taking A/Ps to get rid of the Hallucinations & these paranoid beliefs? Did it not work or make you worse??

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On one hand, I have hope that my mood will return to and stay normal, largely because over the past three months there have been a number of good stretches where my mood was indeed normal. Likewise, I have hope that with the right amount of the right APs I will stop hallucinating and getting delusional, largely because quetiapine did manage to make the paranoia go away before I got off of it. On the other hand, though, I have little to no hope that anything real will be done about my negative symptoms; I have managed to take my meds regularly and (mostly) brush my teeth regularly, but there is so much else in my life that it effects where I have no clue as to what can be done about it - stuff that cannot be dealt with through things like logging and checklists. I kind of wish I had not gained insight into this, because it makes me feel horrible and defeated, like I cannot someday become independent again.

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50 minutes ago, cloudmonger said:

I don't have the same symptoms you describe (Hallucinations, delusional suspicious or paranoid ideas) but I am struggling with the fact that I will have this mood disorder/MI/Depression for the rest of my life. It is extremely difficult to ignore it and it is just as difficult to fight it. Fight vs Flight....

It probably will ever go away and it not only destroys me everyday -I don't know if doctors really understand that it is distressing me this much....it has severely disrupted my life and ability to function....it continues no matter what I try. Do you feel like the symptoms you describe above are intolerable or are you actually able to ignore and accept them? I don't think I could. If I was seeing/hearing/believing these things, I would crack and have to check myself in a hospital.

I WISH I could radically accept this disease and stop fighting. Or just give up and be defeated. I haven't been able to do either. I'm simply managing/surviving (in a mediocre sense)....like many of us here.

BTW I'm assuming you have tried taking A/Ps to get rid of the Hallucinations & these paranoid beliefs? Did it not work or make you worse??

I think a reason I was able to adapt was because it started when I was so young. It became my normal. I grew up with them. Kids can adapt easily. I feel if they would've started in my late teens or early 20's I would've had a much tougher time with them because I would've experienced so many years without delusions that having them later in life would've been a shock and I would've been desperate to get back to my delusion-free life. I didn't experience much of a delusion-free life. 

I don't really hallucinate very often. I'm more of a delusions type of gal. The only hallucinations that I regularly have are olfactory hallucinations which means I smell things that aren't there but those tend to happen more when I'm anxious. Though lately I have been hearing random talking when there's no one around. Which is just weird and freaks me the fuck out but it hasn't been happening that much so I just attribute it to high anxiety. A big chunk of my hallucinations have happened when I'm anxious (or sleep deprived - which is normal I think). 

It really kills me that my MI overall (BPD, anxiety, OCD, depression) has impacted my life so much. I lost my ability to concentrate and understand things easily or just process things easily. It affected my cognition. Borderline gets in the way of a lot of things. OCD keeps me from driving. Anxiety keeps me indoors. The only reason I've been able to hold down a full-time job these last 4 years is because I work for a psychiatrist that understands that sometimes I just can't function or leave my apartment or concentrate or show up on time. He also knows that if something needs to get done I will try my hardest to do it even if that means not sleeping because I'm so slow I need 24 hours to do 8 hours worth of work. Overall though, I am a high functioning individual. I'm lucky for that. My minds have a lot to do with that because they'll take charge when I can't function.

I have given up any hopes of achieving anything but I'm the type of person that says fuck it let's try. So if I get to be a researcher that would be amazing. I don't think it'll happen. But I'm not going to kill myself any time soon so might as well be productive with that time and work towards something even if deep down I have no hope of it happening.

I have take APs. I'm about to restart latuda today because it was the only one that helped with my depression. Others have been hit or miss. Zyprexa was the best but the side effects were too much. Totally got rid of Sharon (my evil mind) though. Saphris was okay. Not bad but not great. Risperdal made me hallucinate and abilify made me want to rip my skin off even though it was a teeny tiny dose. 

8 minutes ago, Closure said:

On one hand, I have hope that my mood will return to and stay normal, largely because over the past three months there have been a number of good stretches where my mood was indeed normal. Likewise, I have hope that with the right amount of the right APs I will stop hallucinating and getting delusional, largely because quetiapine did manage to make the paranoia go away before I got off of it. On the other hand, though, I have little to no hope that anything real will be done about my negative symptoms; I have managed to take my meds regularly and (mostly) brush my teeth regularly, but there is so much else in my life that it effects where I have no clue as to what can be done about it - stuff that cannot be dealt with through things like logging and checklists. I kind of wish I had not gained insight into this, because it makes me feel horrible and defeated, like I cannot someday become independent again.

Yes, ignorance is bliss many times. :( 

Speaking of negative symptoms that's what I want to research. Treatments for negative symptoms. So if I ever go to grad school and become a researcher, y'all are fucked. :P 

I'm glad you have hope about your moods and positive symptoms. Negative symptoms are total bitch. It's why I want to study them. It's heartbreaking and frustrating from an outsider's point of view (I don't have them) to see how debilitating they are. Hang in there. 

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9 minutes ago, iaawal said:

It really kills me that my MI overall (BPD, anxiety, OCD, depression) has impacted my life so much. I lost my ability to concentrate and understand things easily or just process things easily. It affected my cognition. Borderline gets in the way of a lot of things. OCD keeps me from driving. Anxiety keeps me indoors. The only reason I've been able to hold down a full-time job these last 4 years is because I work for a psychiatrist that understands that sometimes I just can't function or leave my apartment or concentrate or show up on time. He also knows that if something needs to get done I will try my hardest to do it even if that means not sleeping because I'm so slow I need 24 hours to do 8 hours worth of work. Overall though, I am a high functioning individual. I'm lucky for that. My minds have a lot to do with that because they'll take charge when I can't function.

I have given up any hopes of achieving anything but I'm the type of person that says fuck it let's try. So if I get to be a researcher that would be amazing. I don't think it'll happen. But I'm not going to kill myself any time soon so might as well be productive with that time and work towards something even if deep down I have no hope of it happening.

I have take APs. I'm about to restart latuda today because it was the only one that helped with my depression. Others have been hit or miss. Zyprexa was the best but the side effects were too much. Totally got rid of Sharon (my evil mind) though. Saphris was okay. Not bad but not great. Risperdal made me hallucinate and abilify made me want to rip my skin off even though it was a teeny tiny dose. 

Yes, ignorance is bliss many times. :( 

Speaking of negative symptoms that's what I want to research. Treatments for negative symptoms. So if I ever go to grad school and become a researcher, y'all are fucked. :P 

I'm glad you have hope about your moods and positive symptoms. Negative symptoms are total bitch. It's why I want to study them. It's heartbreaking and frustrating from an outsider's point of view (I don't have them) to see how debilitating they are. Hang in there. 

That's amazing that you have a job. That's awesome you have an understanding boss as well! Do you set appointments, talk to patients & what not for the psychiatrist? General office/follow-up filing stuff? I've been unable to land a job at the moment. It makes all of my issues much, much worse because i am constantly in my head and have absolutely nothing to distract me....No reason to really get up in the morning, no structure to my day.

Do you plan to get a MA or PhD in Psych Research? I find it very interesting too, but no idea how I'd ever be able to afford or even slog through 6 more years of college and actually find a job in that specific area! :-( I'm certainly smart enough, but have too many issues (and no discipline)!

Can I also ask you what exactly are "Negative" Symptoms in schiz as opposed to "Positive" symptoms? I would think that all the symptoms (like delusions, hallucinations, paranoia, anxiety) are all Negative symptoms??

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Just now, cloudmonger said:

That's amazing that you have a job. That's awesome you have an understanding boss as well! Do you set appointments, talk to patients & what not for the psychiatrist? General office/follow-up filing stuff? I've been unable to land a job at the moment. It makes all of my issues much, much worse because i am constantly in my head and have absolutely nothing to distract me....No reason to really get up in the morning, no structure to my day.

Do you plan to get a MA or PhD in Psych Research? I find it very interesting too, but no idea how I'd ever be able to afford or even slog through 6 more years of college and actually find a job in that specific area! :-( I'm certainly smart enough, but have too many issues (and no discipline)!

Can I also ask you what exactly are "Negative" Symptoms in schiz as opposed to "Positive" symptoms? I would think that all the symptoms (like delusions, hallucinations, paranoia, anxiety) are all Negative symptoms??

He's not a clinician (just when he's forced to) he's a researcher so I've been working as a research coordinator. So I do coordinator duties - working with participants (recruiting, scheduling, consenting, follow-up, etc), working on regulatory stuff (study protocols, amendments to protocol, self-audits, submitting study applications, etc) and other stuff like managing the data, helping in literature reviews, cleaning the data, and other random stuff.

I get how not having a job can make issue worse. I'm the same way. If I'm not working (or not attending school) I get in my head so so much and I get impatient and hopeless.

I want to get a PhD in clinical psychology. At the moment, I'm working on my cognition stuff so I don't plan to apply any time soon. I got my BA 4.5 years ago. When things got really bad I got hit by the stupids big time. Now I can read for 1 hour straight. WOO!! Next thing to tackle is math. I need to slowly work to being able to solving problems. I'm not entirely capable of working on that now. Still makes me impatient. But slow progress is still progress.

A really simplified way to look at positive symptoms vs negative symptoms is to imagine a normal healthy person. 

  • Positive symptoms are things that are "added" to that normal person so they start having hallucinations, delusions, odd behavior. So basically what people think of when they think of schizophrenia. 
  • Negative symptoms are things that are "taken away" from that normal person so they no longer have any motivation, they lose pleasure or interest in things, they have little to no emotional expressions (just a flat emotionless look to them), they don't speak as much, etc.

They might sound a bit like depression and a lot of research has been done using approaches that are used to treat depression (e.g. antidepressants) to treat negative symptoms but it's still different enough that science hasn't been able to do much about them at least when you compare them to all of the treatment options for positive symptoms.

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for the past seven years I've accepted that I would have to live with auditory hallucinations the rest of my life. I also accepted that I would have to deal with pacing in circles the rest of my life. however I'm beginning to find I may not have to live with either of these things forever.. so I guess I have hope. 

i found out akathisia was a side effect of antipsychotics a few months back and my doc made med adjustments which stopped my pacing. this completely revamped my entire life. I couldn't believe I could sit down and relax without having to walk in circles or back and forth anymore. it felt like a miracle.

i have hope that my voices may take a place on the back burner as well. it's only the third day of clozaril and I've noticed a decrease in the amount of voices I hear and the content of which they speak. it feels almost eerily silent in my head. 

i don't know. maybe I am getting a little off topic in relation to the thread content. but accepting these symptoms was a helpful way to cope for the past several years I suppose. hearing voices is not easy but I learned to treat them as any other thought process: accept that they happened then return to my breathing/whatever I'm focusing on. 

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Unfortunately, for me at least, the negative symptoms are harder than the positive symptoms. I can live with my hallucinations - they are a minor nuisance at worst - and while the delusions are distressing, the vast majority of the time they are not present, with my worst delusions being highly time-limited; also, there is a clear division between the positive symptoms and what I perceive as "me", such that I can easily tell that they are not part of my underlying personality. On the other hand, the negative symptoms affect me the vast majority of the time, with it being quite notable when they lift at all for even a short while, and they seamlessly affect my entire life, so that I cannot tell any division between "me" and the negative symptoms, part of why for the longest time I was unaware of them. And all this makes me feel hopeless when I think about my negative symptoms - so that I tend to avoid thinking about them - because what impacts my daily life the most is also about which the least can be done.

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25 minutes ago, strange eyes said:

for the past seven years I've accepted that I would have to live with auditory hallucinations the rest of my life. I also accepted that I would have to deal with pacing in circles the rest of my life. however I'm beginning to find I may not have to live with either of these things forever.. so I guess I have hope. 

i found out akathisia was a side effect of antipsychotics a few months back and my doc made med adjustments which stopped my pacing. this completely revamped my entire life. I couldn't believe I could sit down and relax without having to walk in circles or back and forth anymore. it felt like a miracle.

i have hope that my voices may take a place on the back burner as well. it's only the third day of clozaril and I've noticed a decrease in the amount of voices I hear and the content of which they speak. it feels almost eerily silent in my head. 

i don't know. maybe I am getting a little off topic in relation to the thread content. but accepting these symptoms was a helpful way to cope for the past several years I suppose. hearing voices is not easy but I learned to treat them as any other thought process: accept that they happened then return to my breathing/whatever I'm focusing on. 

That's awesome to hear that the akathesia is gone! Yes, that acceptance is a coping skill imo. If it's something that helps pass the moment and works I think I should do it. 

I'm so happy that it seems the clozaril is working!! That is great!

3 minutes ago, Closure said:

Unfortunately, for me at least, the negative symptoms are harder than the positive symptoms. I can live with my hallucinations - they are a minor nuisance at worst - and while the delusions are distressing, the vast majority of the time they are not present, with my worst delusions being highly time-limited; also, there is a clear division between the positive symptoms and what I perceive as "me", such that I can easily tell that they are not part of my underlying personality. On the other hand, the negative symptoms affect me the vast majority of the time, with it being quite notable when they lift at all for even a short while, and they seamlessly affect my entire life, so that I cannot tell any division between "me" and the negative symptoms, part of why for the longest time I was unaware of them. And all this makes me feel hopeless when I think about my negative symptoms - so that I tend to avoid thinking about them - because what impacts my daily life the most is also about which the least can be done.

I have certainly come across that many times both in stories I read and in the literature. That they're extremely debilitating and the most bothersome. I read something once that someone with schizophrenia posted that still gets to me and reinforces why I want to study them. The person said that positive symptoms have been dealt with but it was the negative symptoms that had the most impact and then went on to say that if science came up with a way to ease negative symptoms just a little it would greatly increase quality of life and maybe even decrease the high suicide rate among schizophrenics. 

I hope your docs can find something that helps you. 

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My psychosis is way too cuckoo and powerful for me to dismiss or ignore, and it just gets worse and worse with time. Fortunately, I respond unusually well to Zyprexa. But I've had other meds poop out on me, and I will probably completely lose my shit if Zyprexa ever stops working. And sometimes the 6-8 hour time window before it kicks in can be A really terrifying and hellish experience. 

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4 minutes ago, Flash said:

My psychosis is way too cuckoo and powerful for me to dismiss or ignore, and it just gets worse and worse with time. Fortunately, I respond unusually well to Zyprexa. But I've had other meds poop out on me, and I will probably completely lose my shit if Zyprexa ever stops working. And sometimes the 6-8 hour time window before it kicks in can be A really terrifying and hellish experience. 

:( yeah the last one you had sounded terrifying. 

Fortunately, mine is more the every day spying, mind reading, cameras, plotting that unless a new one pops up (like my neighbors put up some symbol on their window) I typically don't crawl under a desk and contact pdoc. It's like, "hey neighbor" "bye neighbor" "stop staring at me neighbor I know you can hear my thoughts listen to me!" "yeah, I know I need to clean my mirrors but that just means you can't see me as clearly muahahahahahaha" "I KNOW you're onto me stop staring I know you know I know you know that I know." Like when the person was in my closet for a while I freaked the fuck out and was approaching my closet with a screwdriver to stab them and wanted to call the cops but then my kitty started going in the closet.

Hallucinations, other than olfactory ones, do freak me out and can't imagine having them constantly. Olfactory ones are just shitty, literally. I smell shit. 

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22 minutes ago, iaawal said:

:( yeah the last one you had sounded terrifying. 

Fortunately, mine is more the every day spying, mind reading, cameras, plotting that unless a new one pops up (like my neighbors put up some symbol on their window) I typically don't crawl under a desk and contact pdoc. It's like, "hey neighbor" "bye neighbor" "stop staring at me neighbor I know you can hear my thoughts listen to me!" "yeah, I know I need to clean my mirrors but that just means you can't see me as clearly muahahahahahaha" "I KNOW you're onto me stop staring I know you know I know you know that I know." Like when the person was in my closet for a while I freaked the fuck out and was approaching my closet with a screwdriver to stab them and wanted to call the cops but then my kitty started going in the closet.

Delusions when they first pop up really bother me - and then I do act on them - but either they then disappear on their own - as some of my delusions have been very short-lived - or once I get used to them and my insight kicks in, I am like "oh, I'm having these thoughts again", and then they eventually fade out. However for me they aren't constant, rather I have episodes of delusional thought that range from being momentary to lasting a few weeks at most, separated by periods that may last from days to years without any delusions at all.

22 minutes ago, iaawal said:

Hallucinations, other than olfactory ones, do freak me out and can't imagine having them constantly. Olfactory ones are just shitty, literally. I smell shit. 

I am the opposite - hallucinations are almost normal to me, and as I mentioned in a different thread, there are certain types of hallucination I have that I thought of as so normal that I assumed everyone else got them too, and that I did not think of them as indicative of mental illness.

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3 minutes ago, Closure said:

Delusions when they first pop up really bother me - and then I do act on them - but either they then disappear on their own - as some of my delusions have been very short-lived - or once I get used to them and my insight kicks in, I am like "oh, I'm having these thoughts again", and then they eventually fade out. However for me they aren't constant, rather I have episodes of delusional thought that range from being momentary to lasting a few weeks at most, separated by periods that may last from days to years without any delusions at all.

I am the opposite - hallucinations are almost normal to me, and as I mentioned in a different thread, there are certain types of hallucination I have that I thought of as so normal that I assumed everyone else got them too, and that I did not think of them as indicative of mental illness.

Hmmm not sure if I've ever had period of time delusion free. At least if I have it's been so short lived and during a time where I was dealing with other MI shit that I didn't realize it. Docs have always asked me if there have been times where I don't experience certain symptoms but to me it doesn't feel like it since the last 15 years are all lumped together for the most part.

Sometimes ignorance is bliss. My idea of normal (not even MI related) got shattered not too long ago and I had such a hard time with that.

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4 hours ago, iaawal said:

Ignoring them. Accepting them. Giving up hope. Not letting them interfere. Continuing even of they're there. Knowing you can't go up against them. Embracing them. Not fighting it. Adapting.

Has anyone else just accepted them?

I have accepted them, but still fight them every day.  I know they aren't going to completely go away, at least right now.  But I still fight them for some reason ... I think so because it has become a habit (of fighting them), they've been with me for so long.  But at the same time I have accepted them being here.  If that makes sense.

 

 

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Just now, melissaw72 said:

I have accepted them, but still fight them every day.  I know they aren't going to completely go away, at least right now.  But I still fight them for some reason ... I think so because it has become a habit (of fighting them), they've been with me for so long.  But at the same time I have accepted them being here.  If that makes sense.

 

 

I understood that 100%. Makes a lot of sense.

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3 hours ago, iaawal said:

:( yeah the last one you had sounded terrifying. 

Fortunately, mine is more the every day spying, mind reading, cameras, plotting that unless a new one pops up (like my neighbors put up some symbol on their window) I typically don't crawl under a desk and contact pdoc. It's like, "hey neighbor" "bye neighbor" "stop staring at me neighbor I know you can hear my thoughts listen to me!" "yeah, I know I need to clean my mirrors but that just means you can't see me as clearly muahahahahahaha" "I KNOW you're onto me stop staring I know you know I know you know that I know." Like when the person was in my closet for a while I freaked the fuck out and was approaching my closet with a screwdriver to stab them and wanted to call the cops but then my kitty started going in the closet.

Hallucinations, other than olfactory ones, do freak me out and can't imagine having them constantly. Olfactory ones are just shitty, literally. I smell shit. 

Yeah, that one nearly did me in. I had over an hour-long pdoc appointment earlier, and apparently I'm paranoid now too. I wasn't expecting that diagnosis. The symptoms just seem to accumulate. Blech.

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28 minutes ago, Flash said:

Yeah, that one nearly did me in. I had over an hour-long pdoc appointment earlier, and apparently I'm paranoid now too. I wasn't expecting that diagnosis. The symptoms just seem to accumulate. Blech.

Paranoid just as you have paranoia or as in paranoid SZ?

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Hi @iaawal I have given up on some things as, this is probably as good as it will get. I have built a life around my fatigue. And, I have delusions that I am not sure if they are real. But, no, I haven't had to accept that I will have chronic psychotic symptoms. That sounds really rough.

As far as negative symptoms, it seems like the docs don't really care if you are sitting around, apathetic and withdrawn feeling no joy, as long as you aren't bothering anyone else. Maybe I am just cynical tonight. I have caring docs. 

 

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1 hour ago, confused said:

As far as negative symptoms, it seems like the docs don't really care if you are sitting around, apathetic and withdrawn feeling no joy, as long as you aren't bothering anyone else. Maybe I am just cynical tonight. I have caring docs.

In my case I simply do not know what can be done with my negative symptoms. The main areas in which we have actually done something about it are areas that logging can be applied, at the present taking my meds and brushing my teeth. I could apply daily checklists, but I do not know how this could help with things such as taking care of my daughter (currently my parents do most of the heavy lifting on this one) or handling unscheduled tasks such as paying unexpected bills. I know that for some people treating negative symptoms with antidepressants has been attempted, but for me that is not an option, since I either do not respond to antidepressants or I wind up cycling hard as a result of taking them. Then there is sarcosine, which I have not tried but have heard that it helps.

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