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I have to make an appointment with a pdoc to get a formal diagnosis on paper so I can keep receiving the disability pension here in Australia. Thing is I don't feel mentally unwell at the moment even though I do have many symptoms hearing voices, paranoia, delusions, mood swings and probably a whole heap of other things as well but these symptoms don't happen all the time and my mood swings aren't constant. Mostly I'm happy and content although at the moment my mood is quite elevated and I have been going from having no sleep for days to sleeping 8 hours a night. Last time I had depression was 6 months ago for 2 weeks. I have periods where I'm well and functional and I question whether or not I have a mental illness (like now) but then without warning all the symptoms come back and I contemplate taking my medication even though the pharmacists have been poisoning them but then I try to convince myself they aren't and so I take them but then I feel nauseas and my vision goes all funny so I think I was right in the first place and then stop taking them. Then I have this strange sense of foreboding like when I saw a bat flying across the sky screeching I'm sure it's a sign of what I don't know. I'm worried that when I see the pdoc he'll think I'm lying because he'll see that I'm well even though I know that can change without warning. 

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47 minutes ago, dazed and confused said:

Thing is I don't feel mentally unwell at the moment even though I do have many symptoms hearing voices, paranoia, delusions, mood swings and probably a whole heap of other things as well but these symptoms don't happen all the time and my mood swings aren't constant. Mostly I'm happy and content although at the moment my mood is quite elevated and I have been going from having no sleep for days to sleeping 8 hours a night.

I understand what you mean ...but you are on meds right?  If you weren't on those meds, how would you be?  Would you be going back to symptomatic?  IME I know I would.  I look fine on the outside, but the inside of me is chaos.  If I went off meds, that chaos inside would definitely come out and I would go psychotic again.  Is that similar for you?

52 minutes ago, dazed and confused said:

Last time I had depression was 6 months ago for 2 weeks.

Depression can come and go at any moment.  It is hard to predict.  So technically, you could have one a week from now ... would that mean you are better?  Or I guess pdoc could say that the depression has been occurring less.  So with that either one could be taken into consideration, IMO.

55 minutes ago, dazed and confused said:

I have periods where I'm well and functional and I question whether or not I have a mental illness (like now) but then without warning all the symptoms come

That was what I was saying above about the depression ... symptoms can come on without warning.  That is great you are functional, but I guess I am wondering how does a DR judge something like that.  That is something I think would be worth asking your pdoc also.

57 minutes ago, dazed and confused said:

even though the pharmacists have been poisoning them but then I try to convince myself they aren't and so I take them but then I feel nauseas and my vision goes all funny so I think I was right in the first place and then stop taking them.

Would you say this is paranoia?  Is this something that improved over time?

1 hour ago, dazed and confused said:

Then I have this strange sense of foreboding like when I saw a bat flying across the sky screeching I'm sure it's a sign of what I don't know. I'm worried that when I see the pdoc he'll think I'm lying because he'll see that I'm well even though I know that can change without warning. 

If pdoc doesn't know this, I would definitely tell him/her about this. 

I hope pdoc doesnt' think you are lying!  If for whatever reason s/he does, that is something I would really question, and I would ask why ... and get answers to questions you ask, and not the BS answers that DRs in general sometimes give.

*I didn't know if pdoc is male or female so please excuse the him her or he or she etc.

 

With the SSDI form, I would question why your pdoc writes what s/he does, and if you have questions about it to ask.  If your pdoc puts "getting better" (or whatever), I would question that and ask her something that means, 'what would happen if I went off all meds (hypothetically) ... then would I still be better?'  Or something like that.  And IMO I would ask her point blank 'does she think you are lying about everything.'

Personally, with the SSDI form, if my pdoc puts "the same," then that would be ok because I am the same.  I wouldn't have a problem with that.  Nothing has improved, (still a good thing though because nothing is getting worse).  If he wrote better, I would also really question that like I explained above ... the suggestions I gave you.  I feel like the meds make or break answers on the SSDI forms (in general for everyone), and I don't know how that is handled by your pdoc. 

 

I hope this is helpful.

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I am on meds but I go on and off them because of the fear of them being poisoned. I have been told by other pdocs, mental health nurses and my ex therapist that it's a paranoid delusion.

You are right the symptoms can change at any time without warning and this is what worries me. What if I come across as being well and the pdoc thinks I've been lying about my symptoms and refuses to treat me but then several weeks, months, later I become unwell again? I'll be back to where I started. 

Inside I am chaotic. I think I will need to write down everything I experience otherwise I will forget and will lose my train of thought. I do that. I will be talking and then my mind will go blank with all my thoughts being taken out. 

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12 minutes ago, dazed and confused said:

I am on meds but I go on and off them because of the fear of them being poisoned. I have been told by other pdocs, mental health nurses and my ex therapist that it's a paranoid delusion.

You are right the symptoms can change at any time without warning and this is what worries me. What if I come across as being well and the pdoc thinks I've been lying about my symptoms and refuses to treat me but then several weeks, months, later I become unwell again? I'll be back to where I started. 

Inside I am chaotic. I think I will need to write down everything I experience otherwise I will forget and will lose my train of thought. I do that. I will be talking and then my mind will go blank with all my thoughts being taken out. 

(bold) I think this is something that needs to be addressed ... I wouldn't see it as doing better.

(bold 2) I hope your DR doesn't think you are lying about your symptoms.  How long have you been seeing her?  My pdoc did this once to me (he was angry and taking all his shit out on me) and said that how did he know I hadn't been lying for the past 13 years.  I was speechless.  13 fucking years? 

So my point is, if you've seen her for awhile, how can she say you are lying about what you've said since starting with her?  I would ask for an answer to that, that is not BS .. a real answer.

I honestly don't think she will refuse to treat you.  I would be very surprised if she stopped.  It isn't like your MI has gone away, and you are off meds and back to before you developed a MI.

(bold 3) I think this is a great idea ... which would give pdoc a sense of when things are happening (as well as what is happening).

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15 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

(bold) I think this is something that needs to be addressed ... I wouldn't see it as doing better.

(bold 2) I hope your DR doesn't think you are lying about your symptoms.  How long have you been seeing her?  My pdoc did this once to me (he was angry and taking all his shit out on me) and said that how did he know I hadn't been lying for the past 13 years.  I was speechless.  13 fucking years? 

So my point is, if you've seen her for awhile, how can she say you are lying about what you've said since starting with her?  I would ask for an answer to that, that is not BS .. a real answer.

I honestly don't think she will refuse to treat you.  I would be very surprised if she stopped.  It isn't like your MI has gone away, and you are off meds and back to before you developed a MI.

(bold 3) I think this is a great idea ... which would give pdoc a sense of when things are happening (as well as what is happening).

I haven't seen this pdoc yet but I'm worried he'll think I come across as being functional and will accuse me of lying. I don't know maybe I'm just anxious about seeing a new doctor.

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3 hours ago, dazed and confused said:

I haven't seen this pdoc yet but I'm worried he'll think I come across as being functional and will accuse me of lying. I don't know maybe I'm just anxious about seeing a new doctor.

He better not accuse you of lying!  Do you have a friend or parent or both to come in with you to back you up, if he does think you are lying?  I hate it when pdocs don't take me seriously and the only way they do is if I have someone to back me up (got to love "seeing is believing," where bringing others in with you can say that they've seen you at your worst (or whatever). 

I hope your new pdoc takes what you say at face value.  If you are challenged with proving yourself, ask what you have to do to prove yourself.  Go off meds? or whatever it may be.  It would suck if you had to go off all meds though to prove what you are saying is true.  That would be the worst. 

So I guess my advice is to bring someone with you who knows what you are struggling with and who has been through your worst with you, and can say that they have seen you (a certain way), and that what you are saying is true ... that you aren't functional and are not lying, and that it is the meds that are keeping you where you are right now.  Without the meds, you wouldn't be like you are now, right?  If he accuses you of lying, ask why, and get a solid answer.  Not a BS cop-out answer.

UGH ... what a pain.  It is definitely anxiety-provoking seeing a new pdoc. You aren't alone with that.

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