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Feeling Absolutely Out of My Mind


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Today has been nothing short of a trip, even for me. It all started this morning. Things were going just fine when suddenly my tdoc had to reschedule my appointment to Friday instead of today. Apparently she was at a doctor's appointment and wasn't even seen until an hour later. Now, I know we couldn't have changed this and that it wasn't my tdoc's fault. Rationally I get this... but part of me was banking on this appointment so much, because I felt that today would be the day my problems would finally be sorted out. But no, it has to wait until Friday. I should be glad I can see her at all this week, but instead I'm throwing a furious tantrum on the inside like an enraged toddler. I want to scream at my tdoc for leaving me like this, attempted to SH because I was so angry and hurt, almost went on another shopping spree, then proceeded to try and look up ways to lighten my skin and do more to make myself look beautiful and not like some hideous disgusting creep (this has to do with my brain, not that I think lighter people are inherently prettier).

Not only that, but then my thinking also slowed down and my speech was disorganized to the point where I avoided speaking at all since I only embarrassed myself when I opened my mouth in class; nearly making myself cry in the bathroom after class. And I felt so anxious today. My teacher was annoyed for some reason and I hated hearing his voice. I thought he was going to yell at me for being so stupid, that he was going to hate me for being such a bother and an idiot, and that if I messed up enough he would hit me. And I also got contacted by someone who wanted me to volunteer to help kids learn how to read. When I signed up, I felt confident, but today I almost cried because I feel like I can't do it. I'm not confident or smart enough and I'll just fail if I try. That's what my brain's been telling me. I just wished I'd get hit by a car while I was on the way home from school, because I felt so bad...

If you didn't already guess, I was going to do trauma work today and I feel like the crushing blow of not being able to see my tdoc today sent my emotions into a frenzy. I'm still feeling emotionally upset and like I need to SH some more, and I can't help but feel as though I let my tdoc down for losing my head like this, all just because of something that wasn't either of our faults. If anything, I should be screaming at her doctor for being so slow, but what good would that do? And anyways, I'm sure the doctor was busy and it wasn't exactly their fault either. At least I'm hoping it's not, or my blood's gonna boil again.

I just needed a place to tell this where I knew I'd be heard and not judged.. although I still feel like you might be judging me already for acting like a nutcase on the inside, like I have. Would it be okay for me to ask for some hugs, words, and/or positive thoughts? I'm going to try going over my day again to point out all of the good things that happened, but any extra boosts that you guys can give me would be very much appreciated!

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Just want to say that I read your post, and I am so sorry you couldn't see your tdoc yesterday.

I can empathize with parts of how you feel.  For me, when I've been counting on something (usually a DR appt), and something happens ... cancellation or reschedule, etc. I get very irritable and just angry, thinking "WTH???" and other angry statements that I can't write here (stuff that is inappropriate to post).  And then the anger sits with me.  For me at least it doesn't even go away until I see (whichever DR), and when I get in there I ask one question that I know would ease my mind of (whatever).  After that pdoc usually gets me calmed down.  I hope your tdoc does the same; it sucks to feel like you do.

Can you write (or type ... I type faster than I write) this all down so when you go into your tdoc's office you'll know where to start?  Also so you and/or your tdoc don't go off on a tangent/  Sometimes when I first go into the office, my mind goes blank and I have to think how to word what I want to say (even though I have been thinking of it all week (or for however long).  When I have a list or a letter with notes in it, I will stay on track with what I want to say, and won't forget anything.

You could even print out the post you wrote if that is easier.  However I find writing it all out is very cathartic, and helps me the most.  And then I use what I wrote as notes to bring up with my pdoc (he does therapy also).

7 hours ago, Bimbo Bear said:

I still feel like you might be judging me already for acting like a nutcase on the inside,

On this site you are not judged.

I hope you have a better day today ... hang in there!

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