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Obsessions about being toxic?


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I'm mostly just wondering if anyone else experiences this. It's something that I used to attribute to the fact that I thought I had BPD and many people with BPD seem to attribute this to their BPD (and looking at the criteria, it makes perfect sense), but through a lot of thinking I'd wager it makes a lot more sense blaming OCD for this one. This is mostly because I am actually diagnosed with OCD, have a family history of OCD, and many of the borderline traits I was exhibiting that I thought could be separated from my OCD and bipolar seemed to disappear when I recently ended the relationship I'm going to be referencing. Anyway, that should be good for an introduction so I'm gonna get into it.

An obsession of mine that has been looming in and out of my sphere for a few months now is whether or not I was an abusive person to a (now ex) friend of mine. He had been in abusive relationships in the past (ranging from violently physically, emotionally, and sexually that lasted a long time to emotionally over the internet that didn't exceed a month) and I went into this relationship with kindness in my heart, just looking to provide support to someone that a bunch of people around us were completely vilifying. We hit it off and things kind of went from there. We even dated for a few months within this bit-over-two-years time period, we bounced ideas off one another, were kind of creative muses for each other. It got rocky after awhile, but honestly I can't say I regret being involved with this person.

Behind the scenes, things were massively rocky (mostly since we broke up over the summer, but there were incidents before that). He had an extremely short temper and would snap at the smallest of things. I saw our friend circle shrink to nearly nothing before the two of us got hugely on the rocks. He was also aggressively clingy and had an outburst when I didn't reply to a message for ten minutes, asked for my course schedules so he knew when I was taking tests, and if I didn't warn him that I would be seeing a movie like a week in advance he would get mad at me. I stopped going out to see movies after he did that, because my family usually impulsively decides to go see a movie. He also got mad if I saw something before him, finished a video game before him, etc. Super competitive and super jealous. I felt like I wasn't able to enjoy my vacation this past fall because I had to constantly reply to him and cater to him. And during all this, I felt really heavily codependent because he was a huge constant in my life, and I craved that stability (as much stability that someone like this can provide). I was always second guessing what I said to him, and felt like the most innocuous things were risky when I was telling him something. It was extremely nerve wracking.

Things ended because I said something wrong and asked a stupid question in the midst of us making up after a fight. He proceeded to tell me to never talk to him again, and I figuratively fought for over an hour to get him to talk to me so that I could apologize for asking a stupid question. Before this ceased, he called me an abuser. This wasn't the first time he had done this during a fight, and I want to say I've been obsessed with the idea that I might have been one since... September? I've constantly checked and rechecked signs of emotional abuse to convince myself that I wasn't because my rational self tells me that I'm not. But those damn intrusive thoughts keep telling me that I am. And since maybe November or December, I've been checking his behavior against those lists and telling myself that it was him projecting and not a representation of me. That I'm not a bad person. And lately it's dragged into my thoughts telling me that I'm the one projecting, and I'm just trying to make him look like an abuser to me so that I can convince myself that I'm not. And it's just extremely frustrating.

Does anyone relate to this? Is this related to my OCD, do you think?

EDIT:

Also, since he relayed his history to me (a long, long time ago) I've kind of been low key obsessed with the idea that I was accidentally abusing him somehow. And now this worrying that I'm mistreating people has bled into other friendships.

I also have a tendency to obsess about 'what if I'm faking all of my problems' a lot. Is this normal?

Edited by jacques
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