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Finding ones purpose while dealing with schizoaffective?


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When I was younger I thought being an adult was going to be amazing. I would be bigger taller stronger and live the life. Well unfortunately maybe all those dreams were due to my illness slowly developing because none of that happened. I would be classified as a loser by the worlds standards. It's hard going out and people ask you what you do for a living and you have to struggle to come up with an answer that doesn't reveal you have a terrible illness preventing work. Anyways I started this thread for some advice or others experiences dealing with finding purpose while battling a severe mental illness. I have no skills and I sleep all day and I don't find any reason to really get out of bed. I don't know what I'm living for anymore. All the goals I set that are big like making the pga tour or being a professional poker player making millions are all so far away and require abilities I don't have or cant afford to have. Setting these lofty goals make me feel good for awhile then reality sets in and I see I can't do these things like I thought I could as a teenager.

 

I'm just hopeless and frustrated that I won't amount to anything in this life even though I'm a very spiritual and religious person I'm not as spiritual as I'd like to be and it shows when I feel like crap like I do now with no hope of any kind of material blessed life. I'm not sure why I want so much money because people who eventually get it say the good feeling wears off. I just don't know what else to do with my life. It's sad how money hungry I am and I know i'll never be rich or well off yet it was all I cared about growing up and I can't imagine being happy barely making it off of ssi and government assistance. This was not my plan and I feel well and recovered from my illness but at the same time I am a college drop out with 0 work experience ever so I can't get a job and I have no future. What do you tell yourself when you no you have no future? My psychiatrist made a presentation and he talked about how important purpose was well I don't have that right now and I need it. We all do. I don't know how my sister who is in a group home and is delusional 24/7 keeps fighting and waking up each day just listening to music and i'm much better than her mentally wise and I'm probably more miserable. Wanting what I don't have is just destroying me.

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When people as what I Do I usually say oh not much right now, and maybe talk about a hobby I'm learning. I can usually say anything vague and the will accept it and start right up talking about themselves. They are only asking out of kindness rather than needing an answer.

I agree it's difficult to know you may not accomplish anything significant. But who knows. At some point I realized other people were making progress, and I wasn't doing those same things. Maybe I seem somewhat deficient by comparison. I just try to set small goals. I do crafts. Stuff like that. Find out what makes you happy, not the world.

 

 

Edited by paintedsky
mushy brain today
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@paintedsky  That is profoundly great advice which is why I hit like on your post.  

@JustGotOut I thought I'd be a leading scientist, professional astrologer, world famous artist, famous Hollywood actress, a Saint, and a professional basketball player.   Maybe I would even find a cure for cancer!  God knows I was out there on another planet but I survived!  

Here I am at age 36 living off my parents and not having a job.  The crazy thing is that I'm not even sick anymore-  especially on meds!  I might be a little wonky without them.  :-). 

I am happier than most other people but only because I've been through my own personal hell and now I have no symptoms and I feel WELL.   

 I've been okay for quite some time meaning several years.  

My main problem is I'm morbidly obese.  That's a matter of compulsive eating.  I still get around like everyone else.  

My hobbies are painting and making jewelry with store bought beads, CrazyBoards, online scrabble, and facebook.  I am a great friend, daughter, sister and Aunt.  

I need to improve but I am very content.  

I think I had the right idea when I was in Kindergarten and said I'd like to wash cars when I grew up-  that and water plants.  My dreams if gradeur started in adolescence and ended with Zyprexa.  Ha!  

I have a wonderful support team but I am also very good at being my own support team when necessary.  I use self-love.  I utilize my great imagination in order to give myself a lot of positive mental feedback. 

Sorry for talking about myself so much.  I know how you feel because reality has slapped me in the face many, many times along my journey and I at one point I lost all my will to live.  Actually that was more than one point.  

Everyones different.  Some people are better off not working and like Sky said most people are self-centered and want to talk about themselves.  When people ask me I say "I'm not working right now" because it implies I've worked before and will again.  I used to bag groceries at a supermarket.  Take note: grocery stores hire handicapped people to bag groceries but they also hire young or inexperienced people to do the job as well.  You can work your way up to being a cashier easily once you're already an employee of the store.  I was 26 when I got that job and it was basicslly my first job.  I got bored and lost motivation after two years of bringing in carts and bagging groceries.  

I tried starting my own blog on google.  I never acquired any followers.  My blog was centered around my obsession with clothes and food.  I don't talk about having a a Mental Illness.  I would need to be a much better writer to be more entertaining and get an audience.  

I stick to things I can do sufficiently.  I never thought I'd create good art until recently and I'm pretty old.  I wanted to be an artist my whole life but my eagerness and thirst for perfection turned out to be a recipe for stuff that was not that great.  I grew into my creativity but it took decades of trial and error and even now I have some limitations but I just know how to fake it.  What I mean is that I am not good at detail and my technique is perhaps childish but what I have succeeded in doing is using the skills I do have and my own unique creativity to make my paintings cool and desirable.  I could see a couple of my things being sold at a store like Homegoods.  People really like my stuff.  It amazes me.  I am proud of myself.  

Stay open and don't be all or nothing.  

Some people are good plumbers or carpenters.  While those jobs sound boring and mundane they are jobs that need to be done.  

Im still wondering how I will make my own money.  I still haven't exactly "grown up."

I take courses at the community college sometimes.  I surprisingly like to learn.  I just don't like the thought of having a career or working.  I can do homework and study for exams because I like being a student.  

 Just take it one day at a time.  Good luck.

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