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BPD or justified? Both?


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I'm so angry and hurt right now. I see an 'outreach support worker' which is more causal that a therapist or whatever. She is the most unorganised human I've ever met. So, she's often late, has missed appointments because she didn't put it in her diary, if she's ever away it takes her about 2 weeks to call me a reschedule missed appointments (I see her weekly) and I'm left not knowing whats going on (plus she's away regularly so this is a common occurrence), she forgets to follow anything up, she regularly makes appointments when she doesn't have access to the company car.

Last week I told her specifically that I didn't have my car today so, could she please make sure she had access to a car or reschedule our appointment in advance. So, what happens at like 10:30 this morning? For our 1pm appointment? She tells me that she doesn't have the car & either I had to come to her or we had to reschedule.

I normally try to not let the bpd get to me too much and be a 'reasonable human being'. Not letting BPD get to me too much. But today I just can't do it. I'm so hurt, so angry. I feel like I'm not worth anything. I'm not worth her time or effort. I'm not worth helping. I'm not worth following up or the very little I ask for. I'm not worth her getting her shit together. She knows it hurts me, and is always apologetic but I feel like its hollow if she can't get her shit together. Like I know she's having a hard time too, she told me that in response to all her days off. But, I've given her so much forgiveness and understanding and it's like I don't matter. 

She said like I can complain or talk to her manager or whatever but they've just got a new manager and I don't know him. I knew the old one & even then IDK if I'd feel comfortable talking to him. Plus like I don't want to get her in trouble. Especially if she's having a hard time.. its not necessarily her fault. Even this time wasn't really her fault, well, maybe she should have confirmed things but the car was taken in for a service, apparently she wasn't told this was happening. 

I kind of want to ask for a new worker but building a new relationship with someone is hard. I also feel like I'm not worth the services time because I don't have these amazing goals. I'm just trying to survive and go to uni. I feel like I should be less functional to be at the service. Maybe if I had someone else they would kick me out of the service and I don't want to loose that support, even if its shit and not much help a lot of the time. 

I don't know. Right now I'm really in a bad space. I thought maybe I'd call for some support with a T but then I decided I sounded like a petty idiot and just started getting angry at myself. I've been struggling with the urge to self harm and I realised last night that my fixation on that has surpassed some of the crippling depression I feel, so that might be the way I go with that. Its still early. It's only 4:10pm. There's a lot of day & suffering left to go, especially if I choose that.

Am I being pathetic? I feel like when I try to tell her how upset I am she kinda tries to reassure me which pisses me off more. Just fucking listen to me. I know its uncomfortable but its not a walking in the park to be me right now. What should I do? I hope my words all make sense. I tend to loose words or endings of words when I type and I can't re-read this. I'm sorry.

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You're not being pathetic.

You need safety and predictability from those who are providing care for you. It's her job to provide that predictability. Literally. She is employed to provide these service for you.

If having access to the company car is a barrier for her, maybe you bringing up with her supervisor might help her get the resources she needs to help support you.

You're totally worth the time and effort it takes for service providers. One of the unintended outcomes of caseworker not following through consistently is that you wonder if you really deserve care. You do.

You deserve care and time and predictability and support.

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Leaving aside how bad this is for you emotionally, your outreach worker's conduct is so unprofessional that you are well within your rights to be enraged. She's wasting your time, time you could be spending with a therapist who has her shit together.

Furthermore, it is absolutely not your problem what's going on in her personal life. People have personal and professional lives, and they are separate. Especially when you're dealing with a person who is meant to be your mental health care support. 

 

 

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Thanks guys. I really appreciate it.

I emailed her this arvo & said a lot of the stuff I said here. Basically I felt like I couldn't say it in person, that I'd chicken out or she'd not really listen. She replied with this big thing about being welcome to talk to someone else at the service, change workers, ect. But she said that like I can choose whoever I wanted implying I knew anyone else which I really don't. Or we can make up a 'contract' to keep her accountable & to kinda know what to expect. Idk how well that would work. I kinda just want to leave the service right now. It's not particularly helpful anyways. But I'm also in a very self distructive state right now, so it's probably not the best time to make that call. Although, I don't think I've ever made a decision like that & regretted it.

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She should be making up a contract with her supervisor, not with you. It's not your job to hold her accountable. She didn't, by chance, cc' her boss on her response your email? If not, would you consider forwarding it to them with your need for help figuring this out?

Please consider talking to either her supervisor or a mental health ombuds/someone at whoever is paying for your services to help you talk through your options and have support.

B

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Thanks. I really do appreciate the support & the logical, frustration (for want of a better phrase) for me.

I'm scared of confrontation and I'm scared to talk to the boss. I might meet with her next week & see where that goes. 

Its really affecting me, or pushing things that were already at breaking point over that threshold. I don't have the strength to do anything about it right now. I feel so pathetic.

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It really sucks that you're going through this. She sounds really unprofessional, and its not fair for you to be the one to hold her accountable. Are there any other services available that you could try instead? The Australian mental healthcare system can really suck sometimes. You are definitely not pathetic!

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