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RepentantSpatula

Funeral needs

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My mom's funeral is tonight. She passed away last week. I was there with her when she died, but my family could not handle it and stayed out of the room. It was intense, but I managed. 

I took care of the cremation arrangements, hospice stuff, cared for her at the end, wrote her obit, etc. I managed all the things I hoped to be able to at the end. 

However, the funeral is tonight and that's the part I feel like I can't handle. We weren't going to have a service, but my brother was upset by that idea. I got roped into planning the funeral, ordering flowers, cleaning, contacting people, and all the stuff that comes along with that, but I feel like this service is taking me backwards in progress in terms of grief. I've been grieving for my mom for years. Her decline was protracted and awful. I see these photos and hear stories and it's like opening a wound. 

I don't want to cry in front of people - I want to grieve alone. I don't want to facilitate a service so others can have closure. I realize that sounds selfish and perhaps it is. I understand that the funeral is about Mom and the relationship she had with all of these people, but it's coming at a cost and I want to protect myself. I can barely keep my eyes open right now. 

Sorry for a less than respectable rant. I love my mom and miss her. I know she deserves to be the center of attention and I want her to be honored because she was a woman worth honoring. I'm really anxious and burnt out. I guess I don't know which way is up right now and hosting a funeral sounds like introvert hell. 

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It is absolutely not selfish, and you don't have to go. You really don't. Funerals are for the living, to help them have closure, and if this is not how you need to get it, ten spare yourself. You are already done the best and most important part: you were there for her when she needed you.

After my father died I discovered I couldn't tolerate anyone's company, and I spent the better part of 18 months alone in the basement reading murder mysteries and police procedurals. Everyone grieves in their own way, and no one has the right to make you be the vehicle for their grief.

I am so sorry for your loss.

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OH Hon 

i am so sorry I just got this 

 the funeral is a hard thing for those we love . I know you are tired and wiped out 

the people coming to the funeral are also there for you .... ask for help .... accept help 

know that friends love you and loved her ..... take care of yourself but try not to close yourself off in grief . Funerals are there for a reason and before you make that decision just make sure it one you won't regret 

i wish I could scoop you up and give you a hug and smooth you hair and tell you that I love ya and you will feel better but it's so hard now

D

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I'm so sorry, Repentant. You have my condolences. Funerals always suck, and it should not have befallen to you. I really don't have any advice, but I just want you to know you are not alone.

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Thank you all for your support. I went to the funeral and it was all okay. It was better than okay,  it was good. I kept it together, I saw folks that I hadn't seen in years. I'm glad that I went. 

Thanks again. 

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I'm glad it helped you, and I hope that you can mourn in your own way from now on.

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