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(Probably in the wrong place, but I have no idea what to call what's happening to me. Feel free to move this.)

I feel like logic is completely exiting my thought process. I have all of these weird beliefs that I KNOW aren't true, but that SEEM true.

I believe I'm sub-human. I have some unknown defect that places me on a lower level than other people. It just. Makes sense? With my life? And the universe is punishing me for being lesser than. If I make any mistake, I go even lower. Any act of kindness raises me a bit, but I never get to be human, no matter how many good deeds I do.

And I know that makes no sense. I know it's ridiculous. I know it's extreme. But it FEELS true. It just does. Is this some weird manifestation of my depression? Or is it something else?

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Yes, I can so relate. I think it's the things that underline the mental illness. Coupled with the mental illness making it worse. It's a very dark rabit hole. But of course I don't know for sure where yours comes from.

I really encourage you to talk to any supports you might have about this & try to find a way out of it. I know you say you know it's untrue but feels true, it could slip over it thinking it's completely true if you ruminate on it too much.

Please know there isn't anything inherently wrong with you. Even if you know it on some level, maybe hearing it could help.

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Thank you. I'm trying to talk to my supports, but it's hard. I talk to my fiancee, but I have a hard time letting my best friends know how bad things are. They have their own stuff to deal with, you know? I had to fight with myself to tell them when I ended up in emergency... and 99% of the people in my life still don't know about that.

I'm getting wrecked by my own issues on this one. Since I feel sub-human, I think I need to make as little negative impact on the people who actually care about me as possible. So I have to minimize asking for help. I don't deserve their help, you know? I can only ask for it if I REALLY need it. So my 2 best friends know I'm in crisis, but I tend not to reach out to them unless things are really bad. And even then I tend to downplay things.

I think the only people who know my real mental state are my fiancee and doctors.

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Yeah, I get that. But you are worth help and getting better and believing bett things about yourself I'm sure your loved ones do. If you talk about this they might be able to dismantle some of the negative thoughts through positive ones?

do you see a Tdoc? It sounds like it would be really beneficial to work through this with them. When it's so deeply engrained like I know it is for me, it's so hard to shift by yourself and it's hard to deal with long term. 

You are worth getting help, you are worth support and you are worth feeling better about yourself.

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1 hour ago, Remnants said:

Yeah, I get that. But you are worth help and getting better and believing bett things about yourself I'm sure your loved ones do. If you talk about this they might be able to dismantle some of the negative thoughts through positive ones?

do you see a Tdoc? It sounds like it would be really beneficial to work through this with them. When it's so deeply engrained like I know it is for me, it's so hard to shift by yourself and it's hard to deal with long term. 

You are worth getting help, you are worth support and you are worth feeling better about yourself.

Maybe. I mean, a lot of the time when I reach out to people, they make me feel worse. Not always the case, but it happens. I just get so sensitive when I'm feeling like this. Everything hurts, like I'm an exposed nerve.

I have a therapist who I see once a week, I'm starting a peer group tomorrow, and seeing a psych later this month. I'm basically playing a waiting game until various appointments right now. It's just hard to get by til then.

Thank you.

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