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In the last four months and especially the last month, I have had many odd, sometimes bizarre, beliefs (ranging from non-bizarre ones like that everyone is watching me to ones like someone will poison my coffee if it ever leaves my field of vision to somewhat bizarre ones like that there is an invisible being in the toilet watching me or there is an invisible being watching me as I attempt to go to sleep) that pop out of nowhere, are false, do not really respond to reason, and which I oftentimes feel compelled to act on. An important note is I have insight.

My pdoc and tdoc call these delusions, and I have used their language consistently. However I have had people from around here object because I have insight, since to them delusions necessarily involve a lack of insight. So if they are not delusions, what are they? (I should note that I am also hallucinating constantly, and that both this and the hallucinations have responded to AP in the past.)

Edited by Closure
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For me it is the difference between to feel and to know; I can know something is not true, at some level, but feel it very much is true, despite what I know. And, of course, what I feel has more influence on what I actually do than what I know, which typically has little actual influence.

I have heard such things called simply feelings. However, feelings seems to imply that what one knows has more influence than what one feels, that such things are minor and inconsequential rather than fixed, false, and compelling.

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I'm not sure how I can help, but I know that I experience similar. I have what I would called 'paranoid thoughts' and these can escalate to delusions when I become consumed by them... Mostly I have a degree of insight. Sometimes I can convince myself it's just my brain being annoying.

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I had tremendous insight during my delusonal state so I think insight is definitely possible. Its just like you say hard to resist the feelings that come with these delusions. Delusions sometimes make you feel compelled to take action. Of course it sounds like you need a medication adjustment because suffering from delusions is not fun so I hope you get the proper treatment and it works out for you.

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When I was delusional and hallucinating, I had some insight, or maybe gut instinct?

For example, when one of the voices told me to throw away stuff and why (I threw away so much stuff because of them, and my apartment had basically the bare minimum in it, and 3/4 of my clothes I had trashed), I would throw it away. 

There was one time though that I was told to throw away my grandmother's blanket she made for me when I was born (I can't think of the word ... what kind of stitching it is called ... when you use yarn and make blankets, hats, scarves, etc) ... anyway, I did take it to the dumpster and put it on top of the garbage (it was in a bag though).  Went to my apt and was thinking that I shouldn't do this ... this is from my grandmother.  And fortunately it was still there when I went back out to get it. 

So this type of thing happened a lot with different things.  And some I didn't throw away because I had this gut instinct/insight that it wasn't the right thing to do and that I'd regret doing it in the future.

When do you see your pdoc next?

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I saw my pdoc on Monday, and she switched out the carbamazepine for valproate because she thought it was making the risperidone less effective through induction. And surprise, surprise it does seem to be working. I have had a few psychotic thoughts today, but not many (even though I had a repeat of my poisoning delusion), and what I have had have not been intense as in the recent past. At this rate, the delusions may very well disappear in the near future. On the other hand, I am still very much hallucinating, just like I have been since November.

Edited by Closure
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10 minutes ago, Closure said:

I saw my pdoc on Monday, and she switched out the carbamazepine for valproate because she thought it was making the risperidone less effective through induction. And surprise, surprise it does seem to be working. I have had a few psychotic thoughts today, but not many (even though I had a repeat of my poisoning delusion), and what I have had have not been intense as in the recent past. At this rate, the delusions may very well disappear in the near future. On the other hand, I am still very much hallucinating, just like I have been since November.

It's great that valproate is working! I hope your delusions soon go away for good.

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11 minutes ago, Closure said:

I saw my pdoc on Monday, and she switched out the carbamazepine for valproate because she thought it was making the risperidone less effective through induction. And surprise, surprise it does seem to be working. I have had a few psychotic thoughts today, but not many (even though I had a repeat of my poisoning delusion), and what I have had have not been intense as in the recent past. At this rate, the delusions may very well disappear in the near future. On the other hand, I am still very much hallucinating, just like I have been since November.

I'm glad the meds are working out for you!  I hope the delusions and hallucinations calm down even more.

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Just now, aura said:

It's great that valproate is working! I hope your delusions soon go away for good.

It is less the valproate working (I have not taken any valproate yet) but rather the lack of carbamazepine (as the last carbamazepine I took was yesterday morning, and then at a low dose). I am concerned that, since my pdoc is, as of tomorrow, having me go to only 500 mg of valproate, that I will destabilize soon mood-wise, but at least right now the delusions have quieted down a good bit.

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4 minutes ago, Closure said:

It is less the valproate working (I have not taken any valproate yet) but rather the lack of carbamazepine (as the last carbamazepine I took was yesterday morning, and then at a low dose). I am concerned that, since my pdoc is, as of tomorrow, having me go to only 500 mg of valproate, that I will destabilize soon mood-wise, but at least right now the delusions have quieted down a good bit.

Oh I see. From what I understood the carbamazepine was making your risperdal less effective, is that right? In that case I'm glad the impediment has been removed. You deserve relief from psychosis.

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I so hope this isn't just a good day, and that it won't be back to business as usual tomorrow; after all, I have had good days before, even a couple or few good days at a time, since the start of this overall episode.

Edited by Closure
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