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Any advice on how to accept that your parents will never get the gay and mentally ill thing? They're not nearly as bad as some of my friends parents. But. They just don't understand. I've tried to explain things a million ways, and it just isn't happening. I need to deal with it. How do I even start?

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7 minutes ago, notloki said:

What do you need to deal with, their not understanding or something else ? 

I guess accepting that they'll never get it, but that that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me for being this way. What my family thinks of me... it really matters to me. Too much. My therapist says my overactive superego is just their voices in my head, constantly. I need to let go. I need to understand that there's nothing wrong with me. But I don't know where to begin

Edited by huntforbravery

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AH, ok, thanks for explaining it. Stop judging yourself based on others standards and opinions. Are you in college, the programs for LGBT students were helpful in networking and building a support network for me.

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16 hours ago, notloki said:

AH, ok, thanks for explaining it. Stop judging yourself based on others standards and opinions. Are you in college, the programs for LGBT students were helpful in networking and building a support network for me.

No, I've graduated. I'm supposedly in the working world, but my brain stuff's put that on hold for a bit :(

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So long as you're out of their power sphere, that's the most important thing. It sounds like from the amount of times you've tried explaining, it's not that they don't understand so much as they don't want to understand.

You know them better than I, but it is important, as notloki said, not to base your self-worth on their approval. Ultimately, if they won't accept you, then they don't deserve to have you in their lives. You owe them no deceptions nor silences on parts of you they won't accept. I guess the question is, how is it impacting your relationship with them, and more importantly, how is that impacting your life?

T

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7 hours ago, WinterTidings said:

So long as you're out of their power sphere, that's the most important thing. It sounds like from the amount of times you've tried explaining, it's not that they don't understand so much as they don't want to understand.

You know them better than I, but it is important, as notloki said, not to base your self-worth on their approval. Ultimately, if they won't accept you, then they don't deserve to have you in their lives. You owe them no deceptions nor silences on parts of you they won't accept. I guess the question is, how is it impacting your relationship with them, and more importantly, how is that impacting your life?

T

I still see them a lot, because we live in the same city. The main impact is on how I see myself. Every time they make a comment I just think "oh! That's right, being me is bad."

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I built confidence as a gay person and learned to counter negative self talk in therapy. I learned better coping skills dealing with the parents, too. 

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20 hours ago, notloki said:

I built confidence as a gay person and learned to counter negative self talk in therapy. I learned better coping skills dealing with the parents, too. 

This isn't negative self-talk, this is homophobic parental abuse. "Therapy yourself out of this" isn't going to work here, not least because it redirects blame & onus for change back on the victim; hfb's parents need to work on 'not being toxic people'; if they won't take that step, then.. The best thing to do is to remove them from your life, temporarily or permanently.

From personal experience.. "Until you change on X" is a 'good' one because if they then ignore that boundary & harass you anyway then you know that they're unsalvagable- If they actually work on their issues that are causing your MH to get worse, then there may be a relationship there worth something, or at least a foundation of one. Without that.. You're always going to be breathing in this bile & repressing yourself to please them, and ultimately that's a game you can't win- You're never going to be that person, you have to be the person you are.

T

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Towards whom? I don't recall Tri meaning any hostility towards you (but aware that intent isn't the whole of communication, so apologies if that was the effect), but simply that the Identified Patient in a family unit is more often than not not the actual cause of the problem- There is no amount of therapy that can ultimately mitigate the damage that toxic parents will do, though it can help with the damage, it's ultimately treating the symptoms & not the root cause. I do not think that self-talk & communication with parents are the root issues here, though I am not hfb.

If it's hostility towards homophobic parents, then.. Guilty as charged, I guess? Our stance is that if you're going to bring a human into the world but will only give them your affection, acceptance & support if they 'turn out' a certain way you had envisioned, then.. Well, emotional neglect is a form of abuse, and the onus is on them to stop being abusive.

Wynn

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i've always craved the approval of my parents, especially my dad. but, really there are so many days out of the damn month i think there's no pleasing them. i started out good, and well i'm not doing so great now. i have my highs and my lows about where i am in my life right now, but i'll figure it out someday. i'm only 20. my parents weren't too fond of the idea of me not being straight at first, not even because they're religious, they just i don't know. actually. i really don't know. ha. i keep having to get over the fact that i am the black sheep of my dad's and stepmom's side of the family basically, because i'm MI. although my grandmother, my dad's mom, has also got a few "crazy" relatives, including my cousin who tried to rape me when he was like 14, i'm still the odd one out. i've got an actual diagnosis, i've been to the hospital, had suicidal ideations, etc etc and the whole entire holuabaloo. i'm sure i spelt that wrong. oh well. my dad looks at my mom's side like a bunch of whackos, especially since he's like agnostic and they're huuuuge christians. they've never liked each other, even when he was with my mom and tried playing to good christian husband which don't go over all that well. our parents aren't meant to be our friends, and of course it's natural to want their approval. but, some people's parents aren't in their lives, are drug abusers, child abusers, etc. we of course, have this deep yearning to love our parents and hope they accept us, but the bad news is they won't always do so. my dad's disowned me before, and i think a lot of it is because i'm the spitting image of the woman who hurt him, so many times; left so many times, and finally left him on father's day. which is of course, my mother. i know my dad loves me, but he's kind of an asshole. and i know some of the things he does DO have good intentions, while others are...questionable at best. he took care of me and held down the fort when my mom left, and just wanted to make sure i was cared for. he didn't want anything from her, although well he had more than her, aside from his business and me. that was it. although my mom claims she "gave me to my dad because she knew she couldn't care for me." but there are two sides to every story. my mom i get along better with at times because she's got MI too. my dad, can't relate. at all. he thinks he has OCD, and he likes to self diagnose. he thinks because he took some psych classes he's like a fucking degree earned psychologist now or some shit. which annoys me to hell and back. i took a psych class for my education degree, but i'm no dr. fucking phil. i have studied my own illness left and right to understand why i feel what i feel, and to help me in the long run. which i think is kind of healthy for a lot of people with MI. knowing what you have and then attempting to understand it seems like it would help, because then you could recognize your MI symptoms and be more proactive about like, how do i put it, cause i don't know. helping yourself? i guess? not everyone has the best relationship with their parents, and a looooot of adults will tell you it's better once you move out. (says the girl whos dad really only calls her to yell at her about something.)

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On 3/7/2017 at 9:55 AM, notloki said:

I built confidence as a gay person and learned to counter negative self talk in therapy.

Not to resurrect an old thread and deviate from the topic OP posted about, but I seriously need help with this. I've been to therapy with the same counselor for years and years and I still have an inferiority complex and even awful psychotic preoccupations about doing terrible things to myself because I'm gay, even though my parents, brothers, and friends not only accept me but love me for who I am.

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3 hours ago, mikl_pls said:

Not to resurrect an old thread and deviate from the topic OP posted about, but I seriously need help with this. I've been to therapy with the same counselor for years and years and I still have an inferiority complex and even awful psychotic preoccupations about doing terrible things to myself because I'm gay, even though my parents, brothers, and friends not only accept me but love me for who I am.

Living in Alabama must be difficult for gay people.

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38 minutes ago, notloki said:

Living in Alabama must be difficult for gay people.

It's incredibly difficult. Luckily I didn't catch much flack when I was going through school. Not too much anyway... I think I got away lucky. I just need to quit torturing myself over my sexuality. One of my counselors called it "internalized homophobia." Not sure about that...

I must say though, I did hit the jackpot when it comes to friends and support system. I just wish I could see myself as they see me, especially as my best friend,@THE_REAL_Bryan does. He is constantly doing his very best to persuade me to think positively of myself despite my stubborn negativity. I wish I could ease up and make it easier to be friends with for him. Not only that, but he's very protective of me and condemns pejorative anti-gay language in people both around me and not around me. He's a damn good friend, and I wish everyone QUILTBAG could have a friend as wonderful as him.

Edited by mikl_pls
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