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*May trigger* I am so tired of this


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I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time. Please hang in there, ok? Sometimes when the urge is really bad, you just need to take it minute by minute...literally "OK, I am going to hold on one more min, and then if I still need to, I can SI." Then the next minute- "OK, I made it a minute, I can make it one more minute, then if I still can't control it..." then the next minute. Then the next minute.

Please check out our thread above about Alternatives that you can try to help manage the worst of it as well. http://www.crazyboards.org/index.php?showtopic=200 There are some great ideas that can help take the edge off the temptation. It's worth a try, right?

Take care of you and be safe.

~Faith

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blackcat,

it is absolutely unfair to you. in my ignorance, could you possibly cut something else? i hope you don't think i'm a complete ass for suggesting that. but you shouldn't be cut. it isn't your fault. it's theirs. and cutting you won't hurt them or even make them notice.

god i hope i'm not sounding like a complete ass i really do. but you are not someone who should be hurt even more by this. you deserve better.

take care,

grouse.

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Thanks Faith and Grouse. And no Grouse you didn't sound like an ass. I know you were both trying to help.

It would just be so easy to get all of this out of my system..

I want a break, that's all.  Just a break. if I can't get that, which seem slike I won't, then the only soothing thing I can have is cutting.

I will try taking it minute byu minute ..it's a good idea..just don't knwo if I can do it tonight and don't know what else I would cut, no.

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don't know what else I would cut, no.

I think the suggestion was perhaps about damaging something other than yourself. Preferably something that wouldn't land you in jail for damaging. I'm currently finding it terribly soothing to "reclaim" yarn. That's the fancy way of saying that I've been finding sweaters in my closet that I don't like the style or fit of and unravelling them and saving the yarn to crochet and knit with. Once you get the seams out and find the start of the yarn... It just riiiiiiiiiiiiiips out. So nice.

As for the SSD stuff... Almost everyone that gets denied on the initial application gets denied on the appeal. I think most people get denied on the initial app too. Try to look at the hearing level as your opportunity to explain what you're going through in your own words to someone that can see and hear you. It's a terribly frustrating process, and I understand the humiliation part of it. (My lawyer for the hearing wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to minimize any of my symptoms out of embarassment. She told me that I had to emphasize that I was really disabled no matter how humiliating it was. It's hard, but you can get through it! Just do the best you can and try to remember that it's just a stupid step to getting you to where you need to be.

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Serra,

Thanks. I am scared of the hearingand yeah the humiliation we have to go through.

I also don't want to be in a room full of strangers. Plus telling them my most personal and embarrassing problems.

This just is too fucking much for me. Even if i get denied again..I STILL can't fucking work!

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The ALJ hearing will not have a room full of strangers. There will be you and your lawyer if you have one, maybe witnesses for your side, (My lawyer didn't have any, and actually felt they would complicate things for my case) the judge, and a job specialist sort of person who testifies whether or not they think there is any job you can do.

Only people having to do with your case are allowed in the courtroom at the time of your hearing. So yeah... there are still some people in there, but not the general public. All told, aside from myself, there were 4 other people in the room. Oh wait.. no, 5. There was a court reporter type person in there too, I think.

I hope that alleviates some of your anxiety. I was really nervous too! I kept telling myself that it's only an hour. One hour out of my life, and I can get through it. It sounds like you've got some time before your hearing, so maybe instead of torturing yourself with how scary it's going to be, you could spend some of the time making sure your medical records are in order and ready to go, and working with your medical team to try to get better.

I hope you'll also take some time to examine why you feel humiliated. (Yes, I know how it is. I feel the humiliation too.) The stigma of mental illness is deeply ingrained in us and our society, and it shouldn't be. We didn't ask to be the way we are. We don't do it on purpose to make ourselves stand out. If our disability was blindness or deafness or paralysis, there would be much less humiliation. Why? I don't normally recommend a victim stance, but in this case, it's very important to remember that we were dealt hands that are. not. our. fault. The things we say and do while in the throes of effed up brain chemicals are not. our. fault. They are symptoms of disorders that (are you ready?) are. not. our. fault.

Don't give up! Hang in there and do the best you can. I'm cheering for you!

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Serra,

That helped me alot.. I am a little more relieved now. I don't want my Mom there to hear some of this..I hear my name through the vents ..the extreme paranoi. PLus my Mom is untreated BP so she would not be good in there. But if they ask how i got there..? NO one else in my family knows, they are all MI in differrent ways..my sister is not as bad but a HUGE gossip.

So can i say i drove myself?

No friends know about this..i mean the stuff that makes me have to take antipsychotics. PLus I have 2 friends, that's all.

I have a lawyer. Does the judge talk more to him, or me? SOmeitmes if i get really anxious, I just kind of go into space. What if I lose it in there, can't answer?

My case seems to be going along quick..so I never know when i will get the call, or notice from my attorney...do they talk to you in their office before the hearing?

We hadn't gotten to that conversation,( just that it may happen)..the speediness of how this is going almost feels like they know the answer before i even go to hearing.

And I cut tonight because I just wanted the blood and then it hardly bled.

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I'm sitting here crying tonight. I cut twice tonight. I don't even care.

I got papers from my attorney for SS , to get a hearing date. The first three questions were all the same..worded differently. basically..'how has the condition gotten worse since i filed the last appeal.

These conditions are chronic. Mental and physical. What the hell do they want?? I don't know how to answer it.

They ask for the name of someone who can tell them about me and they didn't even send the forms to the people I listed for the last appeal!

What a mind fuck. I am sick of it...and no matter of how it all turns out, I still can't work.

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hi blackcat,

i don't have anything to say that would help. i wish i did but i don't.

could you call a mental health support centre and ask them for advice in this? there ARE resources out there for people in your situation. i don't know if you are social phobic or have some other issue that would prevent you from seeking this kind of help, but if you don't i would think that there are a lot of options. find a support organisation and phone them, explain your situation and ask if they know where you could get some advice or info.

there are people out there who can help you with this. you don't have to do it alone.

take care,

grouse.

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Thanks  Grouse,

that was nice of you. You do have soem good ideas.

I am EXTREMELY phone phobic. I can't even talk on the phone, right. I stutter, stammer, put the wrong words in the wrong order, etc. You get the picture.

I prob need to call my attorney in the morning..he is good at returning calls.. I was gonna donate blood..plasma for dollars..but I don't know if i can due to the psych meds.

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you're welcome blackcat,

i'm not sure if this upcoming legal meeting and stuff is going to be happening really soon or not. if you have difficulty speaking on the phone, could you email some support organisations with your questions and requests for help? you'd probably only have to write one main letter and then email it out to a bunch of different groups. and in the email tell them that you are phone phobic.

grouse.

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blackcat,

how are you doing? are you alright? you do not have to be alone with this. people can help. you just need to get in contact with them OR have a friend do it for you. you are not expected to go through this on your own, trying to fill out paperwork while in the state you're in.

grouse.

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Hi Grouse,

Thanks for asking about me and also for mentioning about how I DO need help in the state I am in and why don't they know that? I mean, if they can't read that I am bipolar and have physical probs, maybe I could do THEIR job!

I did find out yesterday that it will be about a year before the hearing.

I called my attorney and got the paralegal and she was very rude, cut me off in the middle of a sentence when I asked about something on the form. (SS did not send forms to the people they were supposed to, to tell about my behavior, etc).

I stopped the girl and told her about the forms. I asked who the interviewer was that might help me fill out the form..it said there was an interviewer anyway..and she said .."DON"T YOU HAVE SOMEONE TO HELP YOU WITH THIS?" Oh shit, now I was

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