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SoFuckingWhat

Burning desire for death but too cowardly

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Alright, let's do this. Long story short, I had an amazing childhood, plenty of friends, loving family, I was outgoing, life was just awesome.  Fast forward to middle school (8th grade), I suddenly become shy out of o where. Lost friends, became a loner, got teased/bullied daily. Same shit happened in high school, except it was worse. I thought things would be better once I got into college, and guess the fuck what? It has never been this bad.

Frankly, I don't understand why I'm picked on. I think it's bc I'm so quiet/shy and people take advantage of that. Any fucking ways. I'm sick of it, and I'm ready to bounce. 

So, basically I've developed depression, aniexiy, horrible social skills, and blah blah blah. I don't wanna bore you. You get the picture though. I've done lots of research and I found a painless, peaceful way to die. I could do it anytime I want, BUT IM SO FUCKING SCARED. I'm terrfied of the after-life. I'm Christian, and I don't know if suicide is a forgivable sin. One day I was watching a horror movie, and a woman had acid poured on her face, and her flesh was burning and melting. And I thought...THAT COULD FUCKING BE ME IF I DID IT.

I know, a fix to my worries is to endure a miserable life in order to avoid eternal torture, but I seriously can't. Some people might say, "omg shut up life is hard for everyone, suck it up". I couldn't care less about those people. You expect me to continue my misery because you're telling me that I should? Fuck outtaaaaaaa here. 

There are other factors/consequences for my actions, like hurting my family. I thought about it for nearly 4 years and I'm going to be selfish and do it anyways. All that crap people say about "it will get better" is not true. There's something else I'm not mentioning because I'm too embarased to say (the main reason for this suicide), but let's just say that I cannot have any social life or even a job because of it. I cannot be around people. I cannot make a living because a job requires an interview and  co-workers. I'm barely getting through college, and my grades are struggling because I skip classes (since it's a huge room filled with 600+ people). I don't eat or go to the dinning halls bc again...people. I literally have nothing to live for. I don't mind the isolation, in fact, it's the only time I'm at peace. But I can't be isolated forever. I hope I'm making sense. Anyways. 

I need some thought about this. If you're reglious,  do you think I will be forgiven? If you're not, do you think life after death is peaceful? 

 

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I think being terrified of dying is a very, very normal response. I also wanted you to know that it's actually a LOT harder to kill the body than a lot of us imagine.

And I think if you'd like to ask about the religious aspects of your post, you could find better answers in that section of the board.

It makes sense to me that, given the horrid experiences you've had of life being painful that you'd want to escape that pain. It's what any sensible animal would try when pain is bigger than resources.

It sounds to me like you've got a shitton of misery going on because of depression and anxiety, and you're actually having a lack of opportunity for positive experiences because social anxiety is kicking your ass.

What you are describing are all problems that have solutions other than being dead. I'd start, honestly, by delaying the decision to be dead. Then checking with the counseling center on your college campus to let them know how your mental health is affecting your desire to be alive AS WELL as your ability to complete your studies. Then work with them and the office that supports students with disabilities about getting some accommodations to help address the problems with being around large groups of people.

Please know that you've got an awful lot of things to try that could be helpful before getting to dead being the only and best answer.

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10 hours ago, Wooster said:

I think being terrified of dying is a very, very normal response. I also wanted you to know that it's actually a LOT harder to kill the body than a lot of us imagine.

And I think if you'd like to ask about the religious aspects of your post, you could find better answers in that section of the board.

It makes sense to me that, given the horrid experiences you've had of life being painful that you'd want to escape that pain. It's what any sensible animal would try when pain is bigger than resources.

It sounds to me like you've got a shitton of misery going on because of depression and anxiety, and you're actually having a lack of opportunity for positive experiences because social anxiety is kicking your ass.

What you are describing are all problems that have solutions other than being dead. I'd start, honestly, by delaying the decision to be dead. Then checking with the counseling center on your college campus to let them know how your mental health is affecting your desire to be alive AS WELL as your ability to complete your studies. Then work with them and the office that supports students with disabilities about getting some accommodations to help address the problems with being around large groups of people.

Please know that you've got an awful lot of things to try that could be helpful before getting to dead being the only and best answer.

Wooster, thanks so much for that thoughtful response. You've given some very good, practical advice but I'm afraid I've heard them all before. Talking to a counslour is an issue itself because I can't talk to people, and I think you're underestimating what that means. Telling them that I'm suicidal would be a nightmare, because it's embarrassing, and my family would get involved and I wouldn't want them to know. I can only talk about my issue anonymously. 

You suggested to delay this suicide, but it's been delayed for 4 years. Don't think I can go much longer. You also stressed that there are many options besides death, but again... I think you're underestimating this situation or I didn't explain it good enough. I'm beyond the "wait, maybe this isn't a good idea" stage. 

My sucicide method is [edited to remove specific means] and it's very rare that it fails. Plenty of research and construction for the materials have been completed. 

 

Im sorry to have shut down everything you said, I mean no disrespect at all. Honestly, I really appreciate the insight you put in. But rather than giving me other options, giving me your opinion on life-after-death would be more useful! My apologies again if I'm coming off as rude. 

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I was constantly suicidal for years and made a few serious almost fatal suicide attempts in that time frame. I was convinced that I was destined to lead a torturous life. But when I was put on the right cocktail of medication things gradually got better and life became worth living for. 

So what I am saying is I am now glad I didn't die because I would never have known what it was like to actually feel ok, to feel content within myself, to have a life and to have hope. I am ñot saying that things are perfect now. I still have bad patches but nothing like I was.

And Iike you l was in a very bad way with no hope for the future.

Don't give up. With the right support/therapy and/ or medications you will get better and you will be glad that you didn't take your life.

I know mental pain is dreadful but please don't give up 

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7 hours ago, SoFuckingWhat said:

Wooster, thanks so much for that thoughtful response. You've given some very good, practical advice but I'm afraid I've heard them all before. Talking to a counslour is an issue itself because I can't talk to people, and I think you're underestimating what that means. Telling them that I'm suicidal would be a nightmare, because it's embarrassing, and my family would get involved and I wouldn't want them to know. I can only talk about my issue anonymously. 

You suggested to delay this suicide, but it's been delayed for 4 years. Don't think I can go much longer. You also stressed that there are many options besides death, but again... I think you're underestimating this situation or I didn't explain it good enough. I'm beyond the "wait, maybe this isn't a good idea" stage. 

My sucicide method is going to be [edited to remove specific methods]. Plenty of research and construction for the materials have been completed. 

 

Im sorry to have shut down everything you said, I mean no disrespect at all. Honestly, I really appreciate the insight you put in. But rather than giving me other options, giving me your opinion on life-after-death would be more useful! My apologies again if I'm coming off as rude. 

I don't believe any of us can know what life after death is like. That's my opinion. It's not relevant.

 

I spent the better part of 20 years wanting to be dead every day. With plans. Some attempts, one where I most assuredly would have not survived if I hadn't asked for help because I regretted my decision. I'm grateful I got a do-over. So please don't think I'm just pulling this stuff out of my ass to try to make you feel better.

You feel like crap. That's totally understandable.

You can decide what to do about that. Nobody else can decide that for you.

You won't find support for being dead on this site, even as much as so many of us know the territory.

What you will find on this site is encouragement to try something that may actually make things better.

Being suicidal is all about wanting to escape what seems to be unbearable pain. Since nobody knows for sure what happens after we die, it's a pretty big gamble to go all in and commit to being dead without exhausting ALL other possible means of solving the problem before trying one that will not let you try anything else.

Make sense?

I'm not likely to be around again until the weekend unless we get a snow day tomorrow.

It's interesting to me that you're willing to risk your eternal soul but not talking to another human. It's terrifying to ask for help. It's also terrifying and exhausting to be stuck with death as the only solution to the problems you are experiencing. 

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My life used to revolve around wanting to die. I put more effort in to thinking about being dead and gone from his world than trying to see beyond that and being alive.

It took my pdoc to knock some sense into me. He basically told me that it was pointless and futile of  him trying to help me if  i refused to try and change my mindset. I needed to commit to try living and forget about dying. That was tough to hear but he was right. I needed to do my part to try and get myself out of this obsession with death. 

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