Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Burning desire for death but too cowardly


Recommended Posts

Alright, let's do this. Long story short, I had an amazing childhood, plenty of friends, loving family, I was outgoing, life was just awesome.  Fast forward to middle school (8th grade), I suddenly become shy out of o where. Lost friends, became a loner, got teased/bullied daily. Same shit happened in high school, except it was worse. I thought things would be better once I got into college, and guess the fuck what? It has never been this bad.

Frankly, I don't understand why I'm picked on. I think it's bc I'm so quiet/shy and people take advantage of that. Any fucking ways. I'm sick of it, and I'm ready to bounce. 

So, basically I've developed depression, aniexiy, horrible social skills, and blah blah blah. I don't wanna bore you. You get the picture though. I've done lots of research and I found a painless, peaceful way to die. I could do it anytime I want, BUT IM SO FUCKING SCARED. I'm terrfied of the after-life. I'm Christian, and I don't know if suicide is a forgivable sin. One day I was watching a horror movie, and a woman had acid poured on her face, and her flesh was burning and melting. And I thought...THAT COULD FUCKING BE ME IF I DID IT.

I know, a fix to my worries is to endure a miserable life in order to avoid eternal torture, but I seriously can't. Some people might say, "omg shut up life is hard for everyone, suck it up". I couldn't care less about those people. You expect me to continue my misery because you're telling me that I should? Fuck outtaaaaaaa here. 

There are other factors/consequences for my actions, like hurting my family. I thought about it for nearly 4 years and I'm going to be selfish and do it anyways. All that crap people say about "it will get better" is not true. There's something else I'm not mentioning because I'm too embarased to say (the main reason for this suicide), but let's just say that I cannot have any social life or even a job because of it. I cannot be around people. I cannot make a living because a job requires an interview and  co-workers. I'm barely getting through college, and my grades are struggling because I skip classes (since it's a huge room filled with 600+ people). I don't eat or go to the dinning halls bc again...people. I literally have nothing to live for. I don't mind the isolation, in fact, it's the only time I'm at peace. But I can't be isolated forever. I hope I'm making sense. Anyways. 

I need some thought about this. If you're reglious,  do you think I will be forgiven? If you're not, do you think life after death is peaceful? 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think being terrified of dying is a very, very normal response. I also wanted you to know that it's actually a LOT harder to kill the body than a lot of us imagine.

And I think if you'd like to ask about the religious aspects of your post, you could find better answers in that section of the board.

It makes sense to me that, given the horrid experiences you've had of life being painful that you'd want to escape that pain. It's what any sensible animal would try when pain is bigger than resources.

It sounds to me like you've got a shitton of misery going on because of depression and anxiety, and you're actually having a lack of opportunity for positive experiences because social anxiety is kicking your ass.

What you are describing are all problems that have solutions other than being dead. I'd start, honestly, by delaying the decision to be dead. Then checking with the counseling center on your college campus to let them know how your mental health is affecting your desire to be alive AS WELL as your ability to complete your studies. Then work with them and the office that supports students with disabilities about getting some accommodations to help address the problems with being around large groups of people.

Please know that you've got an awful lot of things to try that could be helpful before getting to dead being the only and best answer.

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, Wooster said:

I think being terrified of dying is a very, very normal response. I also wanted you to know that it's actually a LOT harder to kill the body than a lot of us imagine.

And I think if you'd like to ask about the religious aspects of your post, you could find better answers in that section of the board.

It makes sense to me that, given the horrid experiences you've had of life being painful that you'd want to escape that pain. It's what any sensible animal would try when pain is bigger than resources.

It sounds to me like you've got a shitton of misery going on because of depression and anxiety, and you're actually having a lack of opportunity for positive experiences because social anxiety is kicking your ass.

What you are describing are all problems that have solutions other than being dead. I'd start, honestly, by delaying the decision to be dead. Then checking with the counseling center on your college campus to let them know how your mental health is affecting your desire to be alive AS WELL as your ability to complete your studies. Then work with them and the office that supports students with disabilities about getting some accommodations to help address the problems with being around large groups of people.

Please know that you've got an awful lot of things to try that could be helpful before getting to dead being the only and best answer.

Wooster, thanks so much for that thoughtful response. You've given some very good, practical advice but I'm afraid I've heard them all before. Talking to a counslour is an issue itself because I can't talk to people, and I think you're underestimating what that means. Telling them that I'm suicidal would be a nightmare, because it's embarrassing, and my family would get involved and I wouldn't want them to know. I can only talk about my issue anonymously. 

You suggested to delay this suicide, but it's been delayed for 4 years. Don't think I can go much longer. You also stressed that there are many options besides death, but again... I think you're underestimating this situation or I didn't explain it good enough. I'm beyond the "wait, maybe this isn't a good idea" stage. 

My sucicide method is [edited to remove specific means] and it's very rare that it fails. Plenty of research and construction for the materials have been completed. 

 

Im sorry to have shut down everything you said, I mean no disrespect at all. Honestly, I really appreciate the insight you put in. But rather than giving me other options, giving me your opinion on life-after-death would be more useful! My apologies again if I'm coming off as rude. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was constantly suicidal for years and made a few serious almost fatal suicide attempts in that time frame. I was convinced that I was destined to lead a torturous life. But when I was put on the right cocktail of medication things gradually got better and life became worth living for. 

So what I am saying is I am now glad I didn't die because I would never have known what it was like to actually feel ok, to feel content within myself, to have a life and to have hope. I am ñot saying that things are perfect now. I still have bad patches but nothing like I was.

And Iike you l was in a very bad way with no hope for the future.

Don't give up. With the right support/therapy and/ or medications you will get better and you will be glad that you didn't take your life.

I know mental pain is dreadful but please don't give up 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, SoFuckingWhat said:

Wooster, thanks so much for that thoughtful response. You've given some very good, practical advice but I'm afraid I've heard them all before. Talking to a counslour is an issue itself because I can't talk to people, and I think you're underestimating what that means. Telling them that I'm suicidal would be a nightmare, because it's embarrassing, and my family would get involved and I wouldn't want them to know. I can only talk about my issue anonymously. 

You suggested to delay this suicide, but it's been delayed for 4 years. Don't think I can go much longer. You also stressed that there are many options besides death, but again... I think you're underestimating this situation or I didn't explain it good enough. I'm beyond the "wait, maybe this isn't a good idea" stage. 

My sucicide method is going to be [edited to remove specific methods]. Plenty of research and construction for the materials have been completed. 

 

Im sorry to have shut down everything you said, I mean no disrespect at all. Honestly, I really appreciate the insight you put in. But rather than giving me other options, giving me your opinion on life-after-death would be more useful! My apologies again if I'm coming off as rude. 

I don't believe any of us can know what life after death is like. That's my opinion. It's not relevant.

 

I spent the better part of 20 years wanting to be dead every day. With plans. Some attempts, one where I most assuredly would have not survived if I hadn't asked for help because I regretted my decision. I'm grateful I got a do-over. So please don't think I'm just pulling this stuff out of my ass to try to make you feel better.

You feel like crap. That's totally understandable.

You can decide what to do about that. Nobody else can decide that for you.

You won't find support for being dead on this site, even as much as so many of us know the territory.

What you will find on this site is encouragement to try something that may actually make things better.

Being suicidal is all about wanting to escape what seems to be unbearable pain. Since nobody knows for sure what happens after we die, it's a pretty big gamble to go all in and commit to being dead without exhausting ALL other possible means of solving the problem before trying one that will not let you try anything else.

Make sense?

I'm not likely to be around again until the weekend unless we get a snow day tomorrow.

It's interesting to me that you're willing to risk your eternal soul but not talking to another human. It's terrifying to ask for help. It's also terrifying and exhausting to be stuck with death as the only solution to the problems you are experiencing. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My life used to revolve around wanting to die. I put more effort in to thinking about being dead and gone from his world than trying to see beyond that and being alive.

It took my pdoc to knock some sense into me. He basically told me that it was pointless and futile of  him trying to help me if  i refused to try and change my mindset. I needed to commit to try living and forget about dying. That was tough to hear but he was right. I needed to do my part to try and get myself out of this obsession with death. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Similar Content

    • By Blahblah
      Has anyone (without a clinical thyroid disorder) tried Cytomel and had benefit with depression & fatigue? It seems most docs are resistant to trying it due to the possible heart/ bone density side effects.
      Even when it comes to thyroid disorders, There are some circles that disagree with the TSH lab ranges (what is "acceptable") and that TSH may not be good indicator of thyroid function for everyone anyway...
      I know T3 is rarely prescribed (even for ppl with thyroid issues). But I also read that in a few studies, folks with treatment-resistant depression (with no thyroid issues) can also benefit from using T3 as an add-on or "booster".
       
       
    • By Blahblah
      I banged my head (outer eyebrow near temple) a week ago, on a cabinet door. I'm wondering if anyone here has got a concussion from this sort of thing? How do you know for sure?
      I iced it for an hour immediately, so very minimal bruising, but had a large lump (which is going down). Its very tender. My temple and eyebrow still feel "achey" (it's not really a headache). I also feel extra lethargic with brain fog, abrupt worsening of mood. I go to doc tomorrow, but I read that MRI scans cannot show mild concussions (only bone fractures or brain bleeding) and I also wonder if it's just my depression getting worse (versus a head injury from a bump)...?
      I HATE going to the Dr for this sort of thing... because I don't want to be labeled as "malingering" or a hypochondriac mental case. Doctors always see a diagnosis of depression on my file (and meds I'm on) and of course (being a woman also), it makes them more apt to always write things off as psychological or stress-related. 😞
    • By Inanlae
      So for seventeen years I've had pain depression.  It especially feels like it's squeezing my heart.  It hasn't historically been *about* anything.  I've just chalked it up to biochemistry, heredity.  And I've thought about suicide, most days, for at least fifteen years - because pain sucks.  Ups-and-downs.  Roller-coasters.  Probably every person on here has done time at the worst torture theme park in the world.

      Two years ago, my cocktail started working.  There was some CBT and DBT in the mix too.  I decreased my daily Ativan from 3mg to 2mg.  Plus 20mg Latuda, 300mg Sertraline, 100mg Topamax.  I actually felt happy, for about two years, until this October.  Then it stopped working.  And I stopped working.  I work in a level I trauma center, where I identify cancer, anemia, and the effects of the coronavirus on the human body.  I feel like I have a front row seat to human suffering, without being empowered to ameliorate it, and it's another kind of torture.

      I am very tired of fighting.  If there was a euthanasia travel agency, where I could just walk in, plan my funeral and end-of-life arrangements, plan my ideal death, and just call this thing at 38, that would be a somewhat attractive option (not telling, The Tallest Man on Earth, flaming-Viking-burial-at-sea.)  I'm tired of fighting this disease, personally.  And I'm tired of coming up against the tsunami of "world suck" (H/T Vlog Brothers) which seems to be hate-fucking itself ad astra.

      So the strain theory, which I haven't read much on yet, is that we consider the termination of our lives when under one or more types of strain.  I personally find this theory hopeful, as targeting the sources of strain, i.e. "world stuck," could reduce the inducements to terminate one's life.  The General Strain Theory, according to one Wik I. Pedia cites loss of positive stimuli, addition of negative stimuli, or the inability to reach a desired goal, as three possible sources of strain.  I will follow up on this with my tdoc on Wednesday.  I think work is introducing negative stimuli, and I have a shit ton of unreached goals, but am starting to care about goals less and less.  Basically, it pisses me off that I've had to dramatically reduce my goals due to my diseases, and it's kind of tempting to just leave the party.  Please feel free to weigh in if you have personal and or academic experience with this.

      I'm also meeting virtually with my pdoc tomorrow... to tweak the cocktail.  Would love recommendations.  My current rx mix, dxs and rx, failures are in my signature.  Lamictal induces hives and vomiting.  Depakote causes dyskinesia.  Lithium ruined the thyroid and causes acute renal failure.  Medicine.  Ha ha.  Organ roulette.

      So the observation about different species of depression is that while for a decade-and-a-half I experienced what seemed like purely biochemical, chains-around-my-heart, tar-and-shark-filled, basements-beneath-basements depression.  This feels more like a rational(?) depression, which has me concerned about whether it will be responsive to biochemical therapy.

       
    • By Isaiah2017
      I'm having a hell of a hard time and experiencing rather weird symptoms. Whether they've anything to do with Mirtazapine (Remeron) is something that I strongly feel but can't quite convince any doctor of.   I was put on 15 mg of it in spring 2015 for depression and a severe insomnia - I hadn't slept an hour like since 25 nights back then! The benefits showed immediately within a day and surprised myself and my family. I would sleep well and be in a very happy and cheerful mood.   Then however, from summer 2016 I developed some strange food intolerances; caffeine, sugar, fruits containing high amounts of fructose, yoghurt, butter and so on. Eating anything of that would cause me jitteriness and insomnia. I steered clear of those foods.   From autumn last year though, a lot of those food intolerances have relented and it changed into intolerance towards medicines and supplements that I was on; the thyroid medicine for hypothyroidism, Vitamin D, Calcium, Vitamin E and could never again tolerate any new medicine or supplement. Symptoms resulting from these are, again, jitters, insomnia and a strange kind of feeling of being struck on the head, like I can't hear anything and the thinking becomes very unclear and blurred. Coupled with this is a weird sensation that if a medicine has any potential side-effect (even physical, such as urine retention), I get it at all costs. So I'm steering clear of the culprits here too.   However, avoiding the culprits doesn't end my misery, it just helps in avoiding a whole new set of symptoms, because since autumn 2016 I'm under constant brainfog anyway, have heart palpitations immediately after every meal (but worst after breakfast), have concentration and focus issues, lead a life without any hobbies, wishes or desires. Nothing excites me, nothing interests me and nothing catches my attention. Leave tasks pending for months (the most unlike me habbit), have badly lost my sense of humour. My sense of humour was something that I literally used to pride on, and friends from around the world would call me to fresh up if they were having a dull day. My mind feels numb, although it isn´t as if it´s the sedating effect of the Mirtazapine because 90% percent of the nights I don´t sleep well, and on a lot of nights I feel as if I´m asleep with an awake mind!   The GP who put me on it considered it to be just the effects of anxiety and depression and recommended the doubling of the dose to 30 mg. When I contested that, given that I´ve my doubts of a lot of these issues being brought upon by Mirtazapine itself, she referred me to a psychiatrist. He too strongly denies of Mirtazapine having any hand to play on it and instead thinks it´ll be best to combine it with another antidepressant for day-time.   He put me on Paroxetine, boom, a flood of side-effects! Then changed to Fluoxetine (Prozac) - third day on it and having weird feelings. The heart poundings are one and is in fact making me very depressed and hopeless!
    • By Adolf
      "Best" as in being effective with fewer side effects. Which ones were the best for you? Which ones did you take? What condition(s) did you treat? What side effects did you get? How did the antipsychotics compare to "conventional" antidepressants?
      Can antipsychotics be an alternative to "conventional" antidepressants? What are the risks? What are the benefits? Do they make you a tomato with time? Psychiatrists prescribe them more often in recent times, it seems.
×
×
  • Create New...