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I'm lazy

I deserve to be punished

I'm not coping

I'm manipulative and a liar

I hate myself

I'm angry

I'm annoyed

I always do everything wrong

I always try and 'be good' and the moment I'm not it gets picked up and rammed down my throat

I'm a failure

I don't deserve my job

I am useless

I'm numb

I'm hurting

Life isn't fair

I don't deserve to live

Everyone else always has it worse

I have to 'be strong' I am told

I am dying inside

Noone cares

I'm paranoid

Noone will want to hear this

I want to hurt myself but I'm posting this instead.

and now my flatmate wants to use the phone so I have to go.

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Nestling, you're being heard, and yes, others care. Thankfully I have gotten over the hump of depression and the suicidal thoughts, but so much of what you just wrote applies to me. My pdoc said it's going to be a long, difficult therapy because of so much self-hate.

I like your profile, "fragile yet strong". Try to keep up your strength.

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I know it feels like those things are true right now, but they're not.

Those things are what the depression is saying to you, no one else would describe you as those things, I'm sure. I wouldn't, for all the comfort that may or may not be. Depression is an insidious little voice that tries to make us think it's right and that it's your own voice and judgement, it's not.

Please don't hurt yourself. Keep posting here instead. The worst of this will pass -- I know how difficult that can be to believe but it is true.

Fiona

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I'm lazy.............it's okay, I'm really lazy too.

I deserve to be punished..............no, that's Mr. Depression talking. Ignore him.

I'm not coping..........what's going on? Med problems? Creeps at work?

I'm manipulative and a liar..........Mr. Depression, fuck off.

I hate myself.........(*flipping Mr. Depression the bird*)

I'm angry.........(*kicking Mr. Depression in the nads*)

I'm annoyed.......(*squeezing Mr. Depression's neck w/ my kung-fu grip*)

I always do everything wrong......(*bitch-slapping Mr. Depression*)

I always try and 'be good' and the moment I'm not it gets picked up and rammed down my throat........ok, time to be bad then eh!

I'm a failure........(*beating Mr. Depression repeatedly over the head w/ baseball bat*)

I don't deserve my job.......(*looking for firearm to use on Mr. Depression*)

I am useless.......(*long conga-line of people forms to take turns kicking the shit out of Mr. Depression*)

I'm numb........it's okay, maybe you need to 'check out' for a bit until you can deal with things.

I'm hurting........talk to us.

Life isn't fair........(*going to car trunk to find crowbar to use on Mr. Depression*)

I don't deserve to live........(*flying through air, Bruce Lee-like, to once again kick Mr. Depression in the teeth*)

Everyone else always has it worse........(*propping large grand piano on ledge of upper-story window, where it will fall on the unsuspecting Mr. Depression as he walks by*)

I have to 'be strong' I am told........who told you this? are THEY strong? eh?

I am dying inside........talk to us.

Noone cares..........(*rams fingers up Mr. Depression's nose*)

I'm paranoid.........me too. what's going on?

Noone will want to hear this........(*pokes fingers into Mr. Depression's beady little eyes*)

I want to hurt myself but I'm posting this instead.......GOOD! Post away, but get thee to hospital if the feelings persist, ok?

and now my flatmate wants to use the phone so I have to go.........wait 5 min, tell flatmate that YOU want to use the phone now.

and then come back and talk to us, ok?

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Respectfully offering a different viewpoint-- I don't totally buy the "that's the depression talking" angle. Sometimes the depression is rational, sometimes it isn't. Sometimes -- no, often -- other people do harbor bad judgmental thoughts about us that parallel are own doubts and self-loathing. Sometimes not.

I feel most of that stuff some of the time. I have no idea whether it's "true" stuff about you or totally distorted and paranoid, but I am certain that it takes courage for anyone to come forth with such dark thoughts, and it takes trust in others and love for yourself to want to share the depression. It's what leads us into better things. And no one deserves to be suffering alone, no matter what's lacking or missing or wrong with them. On these boards, the best help I've gotten has been when I let my guard down and told people how lost/hopeless/angry/confused I was. I wish I could do that whenever I felt really low, but it's hard to do.

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Nestling, if you just wanted to complain, then I've taken this post a bit too seriously and for that I apologise in advance.  Like Gemini, I don't think every problem or distortion in thinking can be laid at the door of depression.  Quite often our 'distorted' cognitions exist outside depression but depression FEEDS off them.  Looking at your post, there are a lot of thoughts that *I* think need to be challenged. (remember, thins is just my opinion).

If you choose to answer the questions I've asked, I certainly don't expect you to do it publicly.

I'm lazy...(I'm assuming this is a complaint) sooo instead of complaining, why not do something, anything, that can allow you to tell yourself "at least I've made a start".

I deserve to be punished...Why?  Have you purposely hurt someone?  If something specific, would you think others who had done the same thing deserved to be punished?

I'm not coping...In what way?

I'm manipulative and a liar...Now you've identified faults you don't like, perhaps you can work to keep them from re-occuring.

I hate myself...You've already begun identifying things you don't like about yourself, so put in the effort to change them so you can learn to like yourself.

I'm angry...Why?

I'm annoyed...Why?

I always do everything wrong...Everything?  Always? I think you've exaggerated this perfectly in order to get your feelings of worthlessness across!

I always try and 'be good' and the moment I'm not it gets picked up and rammed down my throat...By whom?  Is it always the same people/person that does this?  If so, why do you think 'they' do it, and what automatically makes them 'right'?

I'm a failure...What does 'failure' mean to you?  Not rich, pretty, a social butterfly, famous, able to think for yourself, have an opinion, tango on rooftops?

I don't deserve my job...Why?  Are you consistently unable to perform up to standard (ie get the job done)?

I am useless...As what? A can opener?  A person who can act the part of Scarlet O'Hara?  A human being who can make the neighbours laugh by purposely singing out of tune in the shower?

I'm numb... Then how can you be angry, annoyed, hurting etc?

I'm hurting...Then how can you be numb?

Life isn't fair...Is there something life is MEANT to be? 

I don't deserve to live...Did you read that in a book that lists who deserves to live and who doesn't?  I hope Idi Amin didn't write it 'cause you know he would have put himself at the top of the list for "Those deserving to live" (despite having killed and eaten hundreds (thousands?) of people.

Everyone else always has it worse...It's true, some people DO have it worse, and some people don't.  Like the rest of us you undoubtedly fit on the continuum somewhere, but I doubt that it's at either end.

I have to 'be strong' I am told...Told by whom?  And to what end?  What benefit do THEY get from YOU being strong?  Think about it.

I am dying inside...Poets have long called 'sleeping' the 'little death', so perhaps you're simply having a long earned siesta.

Noone cares...I wouldn't say that now Rabbit, Fiona, Lily, Gemini, and Synthetic have bothered to reply, it might hurt their feelings.

I'm paranoid...Do your meds need adjusting?

Noone will want to hear this...What is it you think no one will want to hear?

I want to hurt myself but I'm posting this instead...GOOD tactic!

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thanks for all your replies....I'll respond in more detail later.

briefly, what happened yesterday was at work I took 2 minutes to log into another support site and make a quick post. I was on a computer at the back of the counter, and was still answering the phone etc whilst I di my thing.

But, just as I was finishing, a member of staff slightly senior to me called me into thse staffroom to 'tell me off' for using what she thought was a chatroom. and for using the internet for myself on the counter (and yes, the saturday girls often are on Hi5 all day but she doesn't work sats....)I told her it was a mental health support site, which it was, but still she got my defences up and told me that I should have asked and she's going to tell our manager.

She was behaving just like my father used to, and calling my distressing times 'episodes' in *that* tone of voice--you know *that* tone.....

and she has done a degree in toxicology or something like that and when I told her that I was struggling with withdrawal effects she basically said that I should be strong, and it will pass.

And I told her I was very anxious.

No go.

So I am very scared of losing my job. I'd rather go off sick and get through this shit alone. Or die.

This woman brings out my Borderline traits...she is a bit that way herself, and just like my father in many ways, and has upset me before.

She even said that she knew where the conversation would go before she started, it felt like she did it on purpose to bully me and wind me up.

In addition to efexor withdrawal I am premenstrual. Not a good combination.

I recognise I did something slightly wrong, but not THAT wrong, surely.

I wasn't even down to do anything on the rota at that point and I'd just done a whole hour of shelf tidying and there were already 2 people on the counter.

Plus I was feeling anxious, and, it was 4.00 and I was going to go and ask if I could take some of my TOIL and leave early....but then she 'jumped on me' and that went out the window. I didn't like to ask after THAT.

So, that's what happened....

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