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Depression alone can be horrid. Major or Chronic depression can be worse. But to an Autistic Schizophrenic (flat mood), Major Depression can be a breath of fresh air. No, that is not a delusion, not a wish. And I swear I am not crazy (for the most part).

Imagine a constant flat mood (which most Schizophrenics can empathize). Complete emotional void for months at a time. And all of a sudden, a wave of feeling comes over you. Depression or not, crying or not, scared or not. It is a feeling...period. Having that deep emotional aspect in your life proves that you are human. It proves that you are alive, and real. And as insane as it sounds, it feels good. Emotionally, physically, satisfying.

I am not trying to persuade people into thinking that depression (chronic, major or otherwise) is a good thing. In reality, it can be damaging or devastating for most. All I am trying to say is that a feeling is a feeling. Good or bad, it has meaning. And I am a strong believer that is has a purpose.

For me, that purpose was to prove that I exist. That I can and do feel, even when people said I had no emotions because of the way I talked and acted through my life. But for me, at the moment, I can't feel that. Going on another month, I still feel nothing. Call it a Delusion of Nihilism, call it depersonalization or call it derealization.

Whatever you call it, I call it unreal. I call it worldly vague. And I call it nothingness. Going through my Major Depressional issues, having that going into psychosis or suicidal tendencies, I never would have thought I needed it. Never.

But oddly enough, being emotionally disconnected, I can realize now what all that means. What is means to feel and what it means to realize reality. I actually understand depression without using the words "bad", "ouch", or even "AHHH". I can psychologically understand the aspects. (And being a person who can't understand emotions or expressions, that can be a life saver.)

To go into my sense of thought, and to be overly paranoid, maybe this is a test. After all, even a flat mood has taught me something. Maybe understanding depression (and what I need emotionally) is more important than feeling it.

That was depressing in a way. In a way deliberating. Sorry.

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I was never good at following directions... thus I read this.

I'm not autistic or schizophrenic, but I just went off Cymbalta after being on it for a year and know exactly what you mean. I forgot what it was like to feel anything. I don't think I've cried about anything in over a year (and to think for the year prior to that I didn't do anything but cry). I'm not sure what's worse... depression or numbness.

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Twitch,

It's funny, being bipolar, I am on a constant roller coaster of emotional up and downs, but I still can see the truth in your words.  Maybe not at my lowest of lows, but I do occasionally get that feeling that my pain is human and I'm glad I can feel anything at all.  Don't really know how to explain it, I just feel it makes me more in touch with other human beings or whatever....like I can look at someone in pain and know what that feels like.  Highs and lows are a universal, so in some way, maybe that's just my way of making the rollercoaster easier to deal with.

I'm glad your emotions have shown you the truth that you really do exist, are a vulnerable human, and have others that truly care.... ;)

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For over 28 years, I denied my emotions.  I made a concious decision to feel nothing.  Then, for a brief moment, someone came back into my life and showed me how to feel again.  After that fleeting time of precious and joyful love and happiness, I entered into a depression which has seldom lifted in almost four years. The first full year was spend in near constant weeping.  Last August I was diagnosed as Bipolar II.  I know what you mean about depression at least being feeling.  I know that no matter how bad it gets, I cannot ever return to the unfeeling lifelessness which I so long endured.

Tommy

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  • 1 month later...

I've had constant bouts with depersonalization over the past few years, and it's only gotten worse over these past few months. I'm not sure if it's entirely neurological due to something like Temporal Lobe Epilepsy or if it's all in my head, but either way it isn't something fun to deal with. I can hardly feel anything anymore and when I do, it's not always worth it. Because when I do feel emotions or get my hopes up, they only come crashing down soon or I realize that soon I won't be able to feel anything and it doesn't really matter. My higher level of thinking is gone too, where I can only think about what everyone else is thinking about as well. It's hard when you can't decipher between whether the apathy you're feeling is a defense mechanism or just your brain fucking with you.

I saw you sig, and I was wondering: why aren't you currently on any meds? Just curious, you don't have to answer if it's too personal.

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  • 1 month later...
Guest Sophia

Depression alone can be horrid. Major or Chronic depression can be worse. But to an Autistic Schizophrenic (flat mood), Major Depression can be a breath of fresh air. No, that is not a delusion, not a wish. And I swear I am not crazy (for the most part).

Imagine a constant flat mood (which most Schizophrenics can empathize). Complete emotional void for months at a time. And all of a sudden, a wave of feeling comes over you. Depression or not, crying or not, scared or not. It is a feeling...period. Having that deep emotional aspect in your life proves that you are human. It proves that you are alive, and real. And as insane as it sounds, it feels good. Emotionally, physically, satisfying.

I am not trying to persuade people into thinking that depression (chronic, major or otherwise) is a good thing. In reality, it can be damaging or devastating for most. All I am trying to say is that a feeling is a feeling. Good or bad, it has meaning. And I am a strong believer that is has a purpose.

For me, that purpose was to prove that I exist. That I can and do feel, even when people said I had no emotions because of the way I talked and acted through my life. But for me, at the moment, I can't feel that. Going on another month, I still feel nothing. Call it a Delusion of Nihilism, call it depersonalization or call it derealization.

Whatever you call it, I call it unreal. I call it worldly vague. And I call it nothingness. Going through my Major Depressional issues, having that going into psychosis or suicidal tendencies, I never would have thought I needed it. Never.

But oddly enough, being emotionally disconnected, I can realize now what all that means. What is means to feel and what it means to realize reality. I actually understand depression without using the words "bad", "ouch", or even "AHHH". I can psychologically understand the aspects. (And being a person who can't understand emotions or expressions, that can be a life saver.)

To go into my sense of thought, and to be overly paranoid, maybe this is a test. After all, even a flat mood has taught me something. Maybe understanding depression (and what I need emotionally) is more important than feeling it.

That was depressing in a way. In a way deliberating. Sorry.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I completely agree  . I am what a doctor would call schizophrenic (if I went to one) , and sometimes I just hate myself for not being able to cry .  Recently I had a miscarriage and it took me awhile to cry .  It makes me feel evil when I don't show the proper emotions . I feel like I can only cry for myself , which in turn makes me feel selfish .

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Autistic schizophrenia. Does that mean you meet all the criteria for both autism and schizophrenia, or are you a catatonic schizophrenic?  Excluding affective disorders there are three types of schizophrenia (paranoid, catatonic and undifferentiated.  I have the third one.

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So what you are saying is, in your case, it is good to feel, even if the feeling is negative, because you have difficulties expressing emotions etc?

I can understand that. Autism must be really tough, especially combined with schizophrenia. Not just for yourself but for your family and interpersonal relationships.

Just a comparative analogy, but a lot of people feel the same way due to the emotional "blunting" of psychiatric medications.

I personally dont feel this way, although my emotions are often confusing.

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So what you are saying is, in your case, it is good to feel, even if the feeling is negative, because you have difficulties expressing emotions etc?

Exactly. Chimp, you just basically put an entire rant into sentence form.

I can understand that.
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