Twitch Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 Depression alone can be horrid. Major or Chronic depression can be worse. But to an Autistic Schizophrenic (flat mood), Major Depression can be a breath of fresh air. No, that is not a delusion, not a wish. And I swear I am not crazy (for the most part). Imagine a constant flat mood (which most Schizophrenics can empathize). Complete emotional void for months at a time. And all of a sudden, a wave of feeling comes over you. Depression or not, crying or not, scared or not. It is a feeling...period. Having that deep emotional aspect in your life proves that you are human. It proves that you are alive, and real. And as insane as it sounds, it feels good. Emotionally, physically, satisfying. I am not trying to persuade people into thinking that depression (chronic, major or otherwise) is a good thing. In reality, it can be damaging or devastating for most. All I am trying to say is that a feeling is a feeling. Good or bad, it has meaning. And I am a strong believer that is has a purpose. For me, that purpose was to prove that I exist. That I can and do feel, even when people said I had no emotions because of the way I talked and acted through my life. But for me, at the moment, I can't feel that. Going on another month, I still feel nothing. Call it a Delusion of Nihilism, call it depersonalization or call it derealization. Whatever you call it, I call it unreal. I call it worldly vague. And I call it nothingness. Going through my Major Depressional issues, having that going into psychosis or suicidal tendencies, I never would have thought I needed it. Never. But oddly enough, being emotionally disconnected, I can realize now what all that means. What is means to feel and what it means to realize reality. I actually understand depression without using the words "bad", "ouch", or even "AHHH". I can psychologically understand the aspects. (And being a person who can't understand emotions or expressions, that can be a life saver.) To go into my sense of thought, and to be overly paranoid, maybe this is a test. After all, even a flat mood has taught me something. Maybe understanding depression (and what I need emotionally) is more important than feeling it. That was depressing in a way. In a way deliberating. Sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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