overspent (for the first time ever)

[huntforbravery]

I just spent a ridiculous amount of money in a month. pretty much all on books and comics.  I've never donet hat before. never. I was always "the cheap kid". my brother would be taking limosines to parties and I'd be going to maybe 1 movie a month. 

books. that's what I spent litearlly hundreds on this month. books.

I lost the one thing I ahd. I feel like a demon, a parasite. especially since I had an argument with my mom over job stuff. I just started loking for a part time job again, but I don't want her to think everything esle I said that day didn't count. so I can't ask for any more moeny. I can't. I can't let them know

after rent is taken out, I'll have $10 left. I have some cheques I can cash, but that'll take a few days to go thru.

feeling suicidal. feeling worthless. 

I just wanted to efel happy. I wanted to read about people like me. I wanted to escape. and be seen. I just. I never thought this would happen

what the hell is wrong with me

fiancee says a friend of hers with depression did this. is it possible this is somehting to do with that?

[Gearhead]

First of all, I know what a shitty feeling the overspending is, but yet I give you props for losing control in a bookstore. They're my Kyptonite as well.

Second, yes, absolutely, this can be a symptom of depression. In an effort to make yourself feel better, or feel anything, you might try to find pleasure in obtaining new possessions. 

Third, if you saved the receipts and haven't broken the spines, there's a chance you can return some of the books. If you bought on Amazon, they have pretty liberal return policies. It's worth checking.

[sugarsugar]

I'm very familiar with overspending. I wish I weren't. I will say that for me, it started when I was under a lot of stress. In retrospect it was part of some bipolar symptoms but I was never up or happy with it so it went by my pdoc without him stopping to put it together. I would mention it to your pdoc. For me it was a warning sign and got way worse, I hope for you since it's a new thing you can get on top of it. It really made me feel bad so I take it seriously. 

[huntforbravery]

I ended up calling my therapist and she basically told me to chill haha. she said comparatively, I hadn't spent that much. but that, yes, I need a job. so gonna put the gas on looking for one. still feel terrible

books make me happy, and I'm a writer, so I justified it as research. but really, it was just spending to feel better short-term. I'm going through a really rough time right now. guess I was using it as a band-aid. I wish I had something I could do to feel better that wouldn't just make things worse

[nervousbat]

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Edited May 9, 2017 by nervousbat

[dancesintherain]

I went through a period with coloring books and colored pencils.  You know, you only need so many.  And then it became christmas music through itunes.  And then,and only then, I finally caught myself.

So yes, I completely understand.  I wasn't manic in the slightest at the time, so I put this one down to depression as well (I can't remember clearly enough because it was five to six months ago and my memory's pretty crappy).

I hope you can handle feelings toward it a little more gently.  As crappy as it feels, it is a symptom.  And symptoms need treatment and need to be brought under control--but that doesn't make you a horrible person for having it. 

[huntforbravery]

thanks guys

feeling bad because someone I know is releasing a book today, and I want to buy it to support her. but I promised I wouldn't buy any more books for a while. or eat out.

I think those are my big 2 because I was raised with the rule that spending money on food and books didn't count. buying video games/toys was a waste and should be done sparingly, but books were fine. and food was always encouraged, as I was severely underweight. so in my head those don't count. so altho I feel guilty about spending money on most things, those 2 don't count, and I just bought tons.

[mcjimjam]

Absolutely possible. I have an ongoing issue with depression induced spending. It is similar to taking drugs or drinking. Depression leads you to it because you want to feel pleasure again even for a moment. Buying is pleasurable, exciting and it gives you something to look forward to. I like to shop online so I can look forward to receiving it in the mail. Then it comes and again all I have to look forward to is my eventual demise so I need to order something else. I often have little to eat and at the moment am so behind with credit card and bill payments I'm not sure I can catch up. I feel so guilty and ashamed about mismanaging my money.