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For financial reason, I live with my parents.  I have to quit college because I have schizophrenia.

There is always insanity going on that makes me become so sad and hopeless. 

There is so many confusing and mistreatment.

My mom used to beat me as a child for at least 3 times a week for more than 20 minutes per time.  With a lot of swearing and curse.  I don't even know if she is my real mom.  I once ask them if I am adopted.  They instantly tell me that, I am having an 'episode'.  I tried to ask her for an apology, she simply denied it and tells me that she did not do such thing.  I also hear her talking to her friends on the phone that I was such a trouble child, and now have mental problem.  She just love attention from people no matter what it is.  

I once go talk to my dad, and all the sudden, I smell a gross stinky smell,  I tried to ask my dad if its him, he denied, and say its me.  So I went away, and checked everywhere and if there is things stick on my shoes.  I found nothing, and the smell stopped.  I then ask my mom if she smell it.  She simply tells me that I am psychotic.  I had never had any problem with smells.

They constantly ask me to upper my dose of medication because they think I am not as nice as I was.  If I ever raise my voice over some family issue, they would ask me if I need to go to hospital.

Then I tries to avoid them by staying in my bedroom.  Eating by myself.  Then my mom called police on me!  The police arrive, I was so upset.  I was trying to be honest so I told them I want to cut myself because of my mom called them.  Then they took me to hospital.  I stayed there for a week, my mom never visited me.  But she tell every relative that she is supportive and visited me everyday.  It is not even the first time it happened.

 

I tries my best to act normal and I do help with chores a lot.  I have a 5 year old son.  I can't find a better place for him.  Because my mom beat me as a child, even nowadays when she raise her voice, (which happens a lot),  I get shaky.  My parents are retired, and well off.  I really hope I have a better option and just be with my son, but there is days I am not well.

I always talk to my voice at night, cry to sleep sometimes.  I feel like my voice is the only person that understand me.

I prayed to god so many times as child that I could never see my mom again.  Here I am, living with her and being a toy to her.  Pretend to be nice, but deep inside I just want to run far far away from her.

In the hospital,  I see other parents visit their kid with care.  My parents could curse at me.  I later ask if my dad did do such thing.  He just tell me he did not.  I am not sure I have a hallucination or not.  But I see his face, and I see the words come out his mouth, clearly.  Its not the hallucination I usually see.  Or I can't tell?

I am so confused.  I don't know if they are lying to me or I am sick?

I am ashamed in front of all my relatives.  My mom told a lot of details of me being sick to them.  On one strange occasion, One of my aunt tells me that she think my mom have mental problems TOO?  I don't know how to answer that and I was angry the way she say it.

Every relatives tells me that, I am much better.  Because I pretend I wasn't sick of them and make jokes and be nice to them.

I am not better,  I am so sick.  The meds is working but my life is a mess.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by countingstars

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45 minutes ago, countingstars said:

For financial reason, I live with my parents.  I have to quit college because I have schizophrenia.

There is always insanity going on that makes me become so sad and hopeless. 

There is so many confusing and mistreatment.

My mom used to beat me as a child for at least 3 times a week for more than 20 minutes per time.  With a lot of swearing and curse.  I don't even know if she is my real mom.  I once ask them if I am adopted.  They instantly tell me that, I am having an 'episode'.  I tried to ask her for an apology, she simply denied it and tells me that she did not do such thing.  I also hear her talking to her friends on the phone that I was such a trouble child, and now have mental problem.  She just love attention from people no matter what it is.  

I once go talk to my dad, and all the sudden, I smell a gross stinky smell,  I tried to ask my dad if its him, he denied, and say its me.  So I went away, and checked everywhere and if there is things stick on my shoes.  I found nothing, and the smell stopped.  I then ask my mom if she smell it.  She simply tells me that I am psychotic.  I had never had any problem with smells.

They constantly ask me to upper my dose of medication because they think I am not as nice as I was.  If I ever raise my voice over some family issue, they would ask me if I need to go to hospital.

Then I tries to avoid them by staying in my bedroom.  Eating by myself.  Then my mom called police on me!  The police arrive, I was so upset.  I was trying to be honest so I told them I want to cut myself because of my mom called them.  Then they took me to hospital.  I stayed there for a week, my mom never visited me.  But she tell every relative that she is supportive and visited me everyday.  It is not even the first time it happened.

 

I tries my best to act normal and I do help with chores a lot.  I have a 5 year old son.  I can't find a better place for him.  Because my mom beat me as a child, even nowadays when she raise her voice, (which happens a lot),  I get shaky.  My parents are retired, and well off.  I really hope I have a better option and just be with my son, but there is days I am not well.

I always talk to my voice at night, cry to sleep sometimes.  I feel like my voice is the only person that understand me.

I prayed to god so many times as child that I could never see my mom again.  Here I am, living with her and being a toy to her.  Pretend to be nice, but deep inside I just want to run far far away from her.

In the hospital,  I see other parents visit their kid with care.  My parents could curse at me.  I later ask if my dad did do such thing.  He just tell me he did not.  I am not sure I have a hallucination or not.  But I see his face, and I see the words come out his mouth, clearly.  Its not the hallucination I usually see.  Or I can't tell?

I am so confused.  I don't know if they are lying to me or I am sick?

I am ashamed in front of all my relatives.  My mom told a lot of details of me being sick to them.  On one strange occasion, One of my aunt tells me that she think my mom have mental problems TOO?  I don't know how to answer that and I was angry the way she say it.

Every relatives tells me that, I am much better.  Because I pretend I wasn't sick of them and make jokes and be nice to them.

I am not better,  I am so sick.  The meds is working but my life is a mess.

 

I'm really sorry you are dealing with all of this!  It sounds (to me at least, from what you wrote) like you are in an abusive situation where you are backed into a corner and can't get out of (IMO).

One thing I would do is (if you think it is safe) to tell your relatives the truth of what is really going on at home.  It is easier said than done though; I do understand that.  Then if possible, I would ask one of your relatives or a good friend if they wouldn't mind taking your son for awhile to get him out of an abusive (IMO) household.  Idk if this is already happening to your son, but I would hate for your parents to start acting out on and abusing your child like they do you (based on what you wrote). 

Are you currently seeing a therapist (tdoc)?  If not I would highly recommend finding one. A tdoc (therapist) would most likely have the resources to help you and your son with all (or at least enough to guide you in the right direction) that you talk about here in your post.

Does anyone on the outside of your family know your living situation and what it is like for you living there?

I don't have any more advice at the moment, but will definitely post if I can think of anything else.

I hope others have more advice for you.

 

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thank you so much.

I try to be with son as much as possible. When I am not well, I tries to sleep in the living room, so I make sure my son is not in a bad situation with my mom.  As long I can see, my son is pretty happy and social. My mom does not seems to treat my son the same way she treat me. I was very worried about it too.  I am not sure what will happen when my son grow older, but I am cautious about it.  I learn to play 'high five' to my son, to see if he is scared or not, he always happily 'high five' me back.  I think he is ok so far.  Sometimes my mom will yell at him, but he does not seems to care much. (I guess that's because he never get beaten.)  He is about to go to per-school soon,  living with my parents does give him a chance to go to good school.

My mom denied what she did to me in front of the therapist... My parents seems have build a good reputation amount friends and relatives.  I am afraid they would not understand me. I don't have a real friend I can lean to.  I am mostly just be myself at home now.  Does not talk unless it is absolutely necessary.

 

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I'm glad your son is doing well.  I think the "high five" thing is a great idea.

Who is seeing the therapist?  If your mom denied what she did to you in front of the therapist, did the therapist correct her or anything?  Is this a therapist you see also who you could tell her about your living situation and that you need help with what to do?

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I'm very sorry you're in this toxic situation. I wish I knew what to do or say. Unfortunately, I don't really know what to suggest.

I think @melissaw72 is on the right track with her suggestions about a therapist.

Some of the things you describe your mother doing sounds like Munchausen syndrome by proxy, but then other things you say suggest otherwise. I mean your family no disrespect, but I do believe there is some mental illness, probably with your mother as your aunt said. I don't know what kind or what form it is... But I believe your father is playing into it as well, "following along," if you will... I don't know why they are treating you like this, I wish I had the answers, and I wish they wouldn't do it. My heart breaks for people in situations like yours.

All these times they take you to the hospital, do they ever arrive at a diagnosis of any sort? Do they tell you what's "wrong?" Do they change your medicines? Do you have the ability to gain access to the discharge papers? If so, that would have a lot of information that would give you insight as to what they are "treating" you for while you are staying there.

I'm going by gut feeling here, but I have a hunch that you're less sick than you've been lead to believe that you are. I'm not denying your diagnosis, I'm just saying I think you're probably at a higher level of functioning than your parents are allowing you to believe. It seems like they're holding you down and holding you back in a very abusive manner. I may have gone too far by saying that, but I just felt it so strongly that I had to say it.

Perhaps there might be some creative, constructive way to deal with your parents', dare I say, "abuse?" I don't have suggestions, but maybe you could come up with some new, interesting coping mechanisms to keep you out of, so-called "trouble" (nothing to get the police called on you or nothing to get you put in the hospital), maybe find a way to turn things around back at them in such a way that they don't even realize you've done it? ;)

Also, it's great that your son seems to be doing well in that environment, and I really hope he continues to do well. He's so young and impressionable at that age, and I just hope he doesn't pick up anything from your parents on how they treat you that may affect his relationship with you or anything. That would be cruel and harsh of your parents to turn your own son against you.

If I have overstepped any boundaries in this message, I do apologize, I just feel so strongly for people who are in situations that aren't fair for them. It isn't okay that your parents treat you this way, and something needs to change because it's affecting you negatively. In fact, I'd be willing to wager that if you stay in that environment, you might not be able to get back on your feet. There has to be away for you and your son to get away until you can get back on your feet and get well.

If you don't mind, I'd like to ask you about your medicines that you take. I'm fascinated with medicines and would just like to know what medication or medications that you take. If you're not comfortable, I completely understand.

I just hope everything gets better for you, and soon. You're in my thoughts.

 

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hi mikl_pls,

here is a list of my meds

past meds:

Prozac-tried as a teenage, I can focus on school with it at the time but I can't feel I love or care about anyone or anything.  No sadness, no happiness.

Zyprexa- prescribed after first episode. weight gain(from 120lb to 145lb in a month), Restless.(have to walk around none stop for more than 12 hours a day!)

Abilify- loose some weight, does not control my symptom, I would talk to myself uncontrollable in front of the people.  I would feel the conversation does make sense, but for others its like word salad.

Invega injection - weight gain, restless(better than zyprexa, but I could not concentrate, not able to watch any movies.)

Latuda - gets very nauseous on high dose. could act normal but feel so sad and hopeless. Also restless

Seroquel- no obvious side effect, had episode after taking it.  doctor think it doesn't work for me.

ADD ON:

Lithium- doctor keep trying to prescribe it to me although it makes my mouth dry and hair fall out. weight gain. had lots of pimples while on it!

Clonazepam - tried to use it to calm down my shaky legs due to the other meds.  (doctor told me I can't drive while on it.)

vitamin D2 - blood test show me have low vitamin D lever, tried it for more than 8 month, does not work.  start to develop joint pain, shaky hands.  Switch to soft gel vitamin D3

xanax 1mg- only had it in hospital, doctor switched it to Clonazepam.

Ativan - only had it in hospital, doctor switched it to Clonazepam.

Invega oral 6mg - restless. I start walking around 6+ hours a day on it.  It is so hard, I was so tired but I can't stop walking!

current medication

Invega oral 3mg - doctor is somehow concerned of such low dose,  but I am stable so far.  There is once my insurance delayed, I did not had it for one day.  after about 24 hour not having it, my thought become unclear, it is hard to put thought into word. Luckily I got it the day after that.

vitamin D3 - I got more energy. My joint pain stopped after taking it for a month. My hands are not as shaky (the doctor mentioned to me it is good for mood.)

------------

Thank you so much for your support.  Right now I just act as normal as I could be. I tried to go to therapist for few month, but the girl I talk to does not seems to have good suggestion for me.  I told her how my mom is like, she tells me to focus on my son, and try to find a hobby. (I do feel a bit better after complaining about my mom a lot.  Guess the therapist must got fed up with so much talking about my mom.) The therapist was quite while my mom deny everything...  Nowaday, I only talk to my voice while I am by myself.  It feels like I have an imaginary friend with me all the time.  The voice is friendly but sometimes have some strange ideas.  Kind like the voice is trying to brain wash me, but I learned to ignore those ideas most of the time...There is times I will fall to believe the voice.(like there is alien attack, I have to hide in my room, be super quite just in case I will be catch by aliens and made to snacks...It is kind hilarious to think after I get better...)

 

When the first time I admit to hospital, I did not know what does all the paper works means, so I signed them all.  My parents made me stayed for a month after my first week is up...  I learned better now.  The hospital is so boring.  I feel that their food all have a strange bleach taste...

Edited by countingstars

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52 minutes ago, countingstars said:

I tried to go to therapist for few month, but the girl I talk to does not seems to have good suggestion for me. 

UGH.  I hate when this happens!  They just don't listen, and seem to have their thoughts be all the right ones. 

Is there any chance you can try to find another therapist?  To me it sounds like your current one isn't working out. 

When you say:

54 minutes ago, countingstars said:

(I do feel a bit better after complaining about my mom a lot. 

IMO a talk therapist would be a good therapist to find (there are many kinds). 

 

55 minutes ago, countingstars said:

Kind like the voice is trying to brain wash me, but I learned to ignore those ideas most of the time.

(bold) I'm glad you have some insight.  That is important.

57 minutes ago, countingstars said:

When the first time I admit to hospital, I did not know what does all the paper works means, so I signed them all

If there ever is a next time you go to the hospital, please have someone explain them to you in a way you understand them before signing anything.

What was your discharge diagnosis when you left the hospital?

 

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It was schizophrenia and bipolar to begin with.  In the last three hospitalization it changed to schizophrenia only.  The doctor also stopped lithium(as it is for bipolar.). 

 

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Wow, thanks for the history and explanation of all your meds! I'm glad you can remember your meds like that, not many people keep track of their meds that way. I think it's important to do that because later on if another psychiatrist or doctor tries to prescribe you the same thing, you can say, "wait! I've taken this before, and my reaction was [...]."

1 hour ago, countingstars said:

Prozac-tried as a teenage, I can focus on school with it at the time but I can't feel I love or care about anyone or anything.  No sadness, no happiness.

Zyprexa- prescribed after first episode. weight gain(from 120lb to 145lb in a month), Restless.(have to walk around none stop for more than 12 hours a day!)

Abilify- loose some weight, does not control my symptom, I would talk to myself uncontrollable in front of the people.  I would feel the conversation does make sense, but for others its like word salad.

Invega injection - weight gain, restless(better than zyprexa, but I could not concentrate, not able to watch any movies.)

Latuda - gets very nauseous on high dose. could act normal but feel so sad and hopeless. Also restless

Seroquel- no obvious side effect, had episode after taking it.  doctor think it doesn't work for me.

 

Prozac: Sounds like Prozac did the same thing to you that happens to many people when they take an SSRI—blunted affect. Although it's unusual for Prozac to do that and is lesser known for causing that symptom, it's certainly not unheard of.

Zyprexa: The weight gain is horrible with this medicine! Interesting you got restlessness from this medicine, sounds slike you got "akathisia" from it. There are many medicines used to help control akathisia. Some find more helpful than others depending, but the main medicines I've found helpful are anticholinergics, medicines like benztropine (Cogentin) and trihexyphenidyl (Artane) (although I've never taken the second one). Even meds like diphenhydramine can help akathisia too.

Abilify: I loose weight on Abilify too. Sorry it didn't control your symptoms though... Question: would you say you have more "positive" or "negative" symptoms of schizophrenia?

Invega injection: once again, sound like you got akathisia from this, also I've heard nightmare stories about the Invega injection...

Latuda: Sorry you weren't able to tolerate Latuda, this was a good one for me personally for bipolar. (again, sounds like it gave you akathisia, which is pretty common with high doses of this medicine). There are ways to treat the akathisia (anticholinergics like benztropine, beta-blockers like propranolol, benzodiazepines like clonazepam/diazepam/lorazepam/etc.), there are ways to treat the nausea (5-HT3 antagonists like ondansetron, small doses of 1st generation antipsychotics like chlorpromazine, prochlorperazine, and trifluoperazine), but I'm trying to think of ways to treat the sadness and hopelessness for someone with schizophrenia. I'm not a professional, but I do lots of recreational reading in this field, and it seems I came across an article on how to treat depressive symptoms in people with schizophrenia, since that can be a side effect of many, many antipsychotics... Admission of antidepressants with antipsychotics can be done carefully (but at the risk of inducing positive symptoms). It seems like I read somewhere that sertraline was a good choice of antidepressant (SSRI) for people with schizophrenia with depressive symptoms (not just negative symptoms), because not only does it increase serotonin, but it gives a slight boost of dopamine, plus it binds to the sigma-receptor which has anti-anxiety and antipsychotic effects as well. Question: do you still have these feelings of hopelessness and sadness?

Seroquel: Oh yes, Seroquel... this medicine is so silly to me. From 25-100 mg, it's essentially a sedative. At 300 mg, it's an antidepressant. But only at 600-800 mg does it become an antipsychotic due to its receptor binding profile.

1 hour ago, countingstars said:

Lithium- doctor keep trying to prescribe it to me although it makes my mouth dry and hair fall out. weight gain. had lots of pimples while on it!

Clonazepam - tried to use it to calm down my shaky legs due to the other meds.  (doctor told me I can't drive while on it.)

vitamin D2 - blood test show me have low vitamin D lever, tried it for more than 8 month, does not work.  start to develop joint pain, shaky hands.  Switch to soft gel vitamin D3

xanax 1mg- only had it in hospital, doctor switched it to Clonazepam.

Ativan - only had it in hospital, doctor switched it to Clonazepam.

Invega oral 6mg - restless. I start walking around 6+ hours a day on it.  It is so hard, I was so tired but I can't stop walking!

current medication

Invega oral 3mg - doctor is somehow concerned of such low dose,  but I am stable so far.  There is once my insurance delayed, I did not had it for one day.  after about 24 hour not having it, my thought become unclear, it is hard to put thought into word. Luckily I got it the day after that.

vitamin D3 - I got more energy. My joint pain stopped after taking it for a month. My hands are not as shaky (the doctor mentioned to me it is good for mood.)

 

Lithium: I was about to say "WHY?" but then you explained it... lol

Clonazepam: If this doesn't help you with your shake legs, perhaps something like a beta-blocker would help? I have essential tremor that has been made worse by many of my meds at different points, and I have taken propranolol before, which works great but interferes with thyroid functioning, so I switched to nadolol. I also take levetiracetam for it (another anticonvulsant).

Vitamin D2: I take this too, and my vitamin D levels won't come up either! Maybe I should switch to D3 too.

Xanax: One of my favorite benzos. I wish you could have access to it for breakthrough anxiety or panic moments since it's so fast-acting.

Ativan: I don't like this one. It doesn't affect me, and it makes me feel like I have Alzheimer's.

Invega oral 6 mg: Sounds again like akathisia. I think I read somewhere that females are indeed more prone to akathisia, and, unfortunately, tardiive dyskinesia before (or maybe my psychiatrist told me that...)

Current medication

Invega oral 3 mg: If your doctor is concerned about the low dose, why doesn't he change it? Also, it sounds like you're still symptomatic with positive symptoms (or at least one positive symptom, hearing voices), which could potentially lead to a dangerous relapse. Do you feel Invega is a good match for you, or would you prefer to change medicines? Because there are many other meds that you haven't tried (I don't know where you live, which determines what meds are available to you, but I know what meds are available in the US, and a couple that are outside of the US).

For instance, you haven't tried: ziprasidone  (Geodon in US), Fanapt (iloperidone), Saphris (asenapine), clozapine (Clozaril in the US, and requires special blood work to be done rather frequently at first). There are also the first generation antipsychotics, chlorpromazine (Thorazine or Largactil in some places in the world), fluphenazine (Prolixin), haloperidol (Haldol), loxapine (Loxitane), molindone (Mellaril), perphenazine (Trilafon), pimozide (Orap, this is typically used only for Tourette's syndrome though...), prochlorperazine maleate (Compazine), thioridazine (Mellaril), thiothixene (Navane), trifluoperazine (Stelazine, my favorite).

Sometimes an atypical antipsychotic can be taken at a lower dose and be "topped off" with a first gen antipsychotic at a very low dose to help with any remaining symptoms. A common combination is Abilify + 1st gen antipsychotic because of the differing pharmacologies of the antipsychotics (Abilify = dopamine partial agonist, 1st gen antipsychotic = dopamine antagonist). Some of the downsides to first gen antipsychotics are that they cause more increased prolactin, higher likelihood of extrapyramidal side effects (akathisia = restlessness for up to 12 hours or more like you described, Parkinsonism, slow movement, and more), and supposedly have a higher likelihood of causing tardive dyskinesia (especially when taken at high doses). Haldol is one of, if not, the worst, offender of this.

If you don't feel like Invega is working for you, and/or you don't like its side effects, it's perfectly okay to tell your doctor that you'd like to switch medicines, and ask if it's possible that polypharmacy (like using 2 antipsychotics, an atypical and 1st gen together) or if clozapine (for treatment-resistant cases) would be right for you.

Also, it's okay to ask for meds to control the restlessness (akathisia) like benztropine (probably would be the biggest help), propranolol, and/or a benzodiazepine, as well as if a medicine gives you nausea (ondansetron and/or a 1st gen antipsychotic like perphenazine, trifluoperazine, chlorpromazine, or prochlorperazine, which at that point you'd be taking polypharmacy! lol), or if you get feelings of sadness and hopelessness that aren't associated with negative symptoms, it's perfectly okay to ask if s/he thinks an antidepressant would benefit you (particularly sertraline, I believe, possible fluvoxamine too; amoxapine as another possibility).

Vitamin D3: glad to hear you're doing well with this! It seems this augmentation is doing you quite well!

As for the rest of your response, I think @melissaw72 addressed it quite well already.

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I live in California most of times.  I consider my voice as my friend...I don't know how to live without it at this point. The best I can describe my relationship with voice is like Stockholm syndrome...

that's a lot of great advice about meds!  I am definitely saving it for any new symptoms.  A lot of new things to study!

Invega 3mg is currently working for me. I am back on my normal weight, and feel ok during the day. If I don't tell, people can't tell I have Sz. I also agreed with my doctor that if I have another episode, I will go back on invega injection and probably a cocktail of meds.

Sometimes I think I have DID instead of Sz.  There are few times I would not remember anything I did.  For instance, once I was being send to hospital, and come home at the same day.  I ask my parents what happened, they told me I wasn't well, so they send me to hospital, but I behaved perfectly at hospital, the doctor think I am fine, so they send me home!  I did not remember a thing about it...  All I remember is I am in the car, on the way home...  There is times when I eat watermelon, I would pause, and my voice will continuous to eat the rest watermelon and even spit the seeds out... If I ask my voice to type on keyboard, it will type some new things that I am not even capable with...  When the voice comes up with a 'great idea', I went ahead and fulfill it.  End up with disasters. Or the voice will not stop talking, then I can't sleep for days, end up go to hospital voluntary to get put to sleep by injection... Its like battling with a criminal minded friend.

Strangely, my depression is not as bad as before recently,  I hope its not manic.

About Geodon, I once ask my doctor in hospital if I can try it (it may help to control weight.), she told me only one of her patient is on it.  She does not advice it.  I don't know much about medication.

I am glad you are going to try D3.  I take 'Nature Made' brand Vitamin D3, it looks like a tiny fish oil which works wander. :) 

 

 

Edited by countingstars

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1 hour ago, countingstars said:

Or the voice will not stop talking, then I can't sleep for days, end up go to hospital voluntary to get put to sleep by injection... Its like battling with a criminal minded friend.

Does your pdoc know about this? She can prescribe you one or more medicines to knock out the symptoms and, well, knock you out too, hopefully without you having to go to the hospital. It would probably cut down tremendously on costs (I know hospital visits are expensive!).

For example, there is something they give as a shot in the hospital called a "B52," which consists of Haldol 5 mg + Ativan 2 mg, and they will often follow it up with a shot of Cogentin 1-2 mg or diphenhydramine 50-100 mg to prevent an acute dystonic reaction from the Haldol. Perhaps you could ask your pdoc for an as needed "cocktail" to take when your symptoms get really flared up like this? That way you could control your symptoms better and stay out of the hospital more, and your mom would have less to gossip about with her friends... I mean, I'm not in any way trying to sway you in any way or advise you to ask for certain medications or anything, I'm just saying that there are cocktails of meds that can and are used by people on their own to quickly control their symptoms once they realize they've gotten out of control like that. As for the Haldol, sure it can be dangerous when it comes to movement disorders, but it can also be a godsend for some people when used properly/dosed properly. If you're afraid of Haldol, Prolixin can be a good substitute I believe, but ultimately, if you ask about it, listen to what your pdoc has to say about it. I would hope that she would be for you having something on hand as needed to control your symptoms like that and keep you out of the hospital unless she thinks it would be a danger for you to have something like that at your disposal.

Also, that's strange about what your pdoc said about Geodon. It's way more common than she seems to be describing it. I will say that high doses are needed for psychosis, and usually you start at the target dose rather than starting low and going up gradually (I think), and I have heard that it isn't as effective of a drug for psychosis as it is for bipolar, but supratherapeutic doses (doses larger than the approved max dose) have been used successfully and safely to control symptoms with it.

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akathisia is the worst feeling I have ever get,  I tried to keep calm and not act out in hospital because I want to be out so bad.  I suppose walking around like a mad mouse in hospital only makes me stay even longer...  It is like the song 'jailbreak' from awolnation.  I also found Vitamin B6 might be helpful for akathisia.  I have not tried it yet.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15554771

Also, I do have ativan, xanax and clonazepam in hand,  I rarely take those but when I am really manic, those does not even work... I will try ask for Haldol.

I have not had an episode for 8 month.  I hope it will last.

 

Edited by countingstars

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Oh I know it! Oh it's so terrible!! And the dysphoria that comes with it too! Remember that if you have akathisia, Cogentin is your best friend! lol It is such a lifesaver! Maybe you're different and maybe benzos and/or beta-blockers would help you more, but anticholinergics literally abort akathisia within half an hour to an hour for me.

If you're ever in the hospital and you think you have akathisia, don't be afraid to tell them you think you have akathisia. You can even request the psychiatrist on floor to prescribe you a Cogentin or Artane which would help immensely.

Haldol is a nice drug. I have some 0.5 mg and 1 mg at hand in case I get really berzerk/manic myself. I've never taken it regularly though. But it works like magic! Occasionally, I have taken the liberty of dosing myself as high as 5 mg at a time when I got really agitated to calm myself down since I'm so resistant to benzodiazepines, and again, it works like magic. Another good one is Stelazine, but it's not as potent I don't think as Haldol. Stelazine has more of a mood-brightening effect for me though, so it's nice to take if I'm depressed but don't want to risk throwing myself into cycling or into hypomania.

That's quite a long time! I hope it will last too!

Edited by mikl_pls

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I am thinking of you. You sound like a nice person and a good mom. Geodon is a good AP for me. No akathesia, no weight gain, and no sedation in the day after I adjusted to it. I take it at night and have to eat 500 calories. Sleep great, no sleep hangover like Seroquel. 

I wish you the best. Thinking of you. 

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