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I'm pretty sure deep down I'll always be this way


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FUCK.

Fuck.  Fuck. Fuck.

How long will I have to be myself?  When will it ever feel right to be in existence?  Right now, at this point in time, it feels like the worst curse to be trapped inside this body and have this mind.

Yeah, I'm sure this feeling will pass....and I'll feel better later.  But, seriously, the feelings always come back.  I'm beginning to think my life is a cycle of being depressed followed by a few years of being "normal" and then back into depression.....that I will never be truly happy or content or satisfied with what I have.  FUCK.

So let's medicate it away.  Call the pdoc.  I have.  I really don't want to take more.  Cover up the darkness that is deep inside, but eventually it lurks back.

I've got alot going for me...grad school, boyfriend, work, friends.  But its never enough.  I never feel complete.  I never feel valid enough to take up space. 

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Yeah, I'm sure this feeling will pass....and I'll feel better later.  But, seriously, the feelings always come back.  I'm beginning to think my life is a cycle of being depressed followed by a few years of being "normal" and then back into depression.....that I will never be truly happy or content or satisfied with what I have.

Many people have trouble getting to a point where they have no break throughs at all.

It doesn't mean that you are 'not valid enough to take up space'. It means that first of all, you have a mental illness that needs to be managed with medications and second of all, it is really hard to deal with the effects of this illness. Frustration is natural and typical. Questioning medication; what you do and your quality of life is natural.

So let's medicate it away.  Call the pdoc.  I have.  I really don't want to take more.  Cover up the darkness that is deep inside, but eventually it lurks back.
You are in therapy also?

Are these the right meds?

It isn't a matter of medicating it away, MDD is a matter of having a chemical imbalance. Medications help correct that. It doesn't cover up a problem, it helps to actually fix it.

I've got alot going for me...grad school, boyfriend, work, friends.  But its never enough.  I never feel complete.  I never feel valid enough to take up space.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I try to sort out what is a sign of my illness and what is a sign of my worth as a person. Depression always paints a cloudy picture.

And it does come back, and that's why working on a sense of value for yourself is really important. You have said yourself that you have a lot of things going for you.

I think there is probably some other piece that you need to figure out a long with the meds.

I go through this and don't always know what to say to myself.

I keep thinking on it.

~navy~

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thanks you two.  I'm feeling better today.  I've just been having waves of emotions lately.  And it bugs me tremendously because I can't tell if it is old emotions resurfacing from the past, as I'm in psychodynamic therapy right now, and we are chipping away at my past....or if it is just depression rearing it's ugly head. 

It helped to just vent it out on CB...

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themind,

Sometimes, it is truly one day at a time (sorry for the lame cliche) for us. Sometimes it's one hour at a time. I know where you are right now. It sucks, it sucks, it sucks. I really hope you feel better soon.

Sorry if this suggestion sounds lame, too. Yesterday afternoon I was so down. I was going to take a Xanax and go lie in bed and aimlessly watch tv, hold my cat and cry. Usually when I'm in that state, I have no desire to do anything. I took the Xanax and saw my Yoga DVD I got a few days ago, and thought what the hell. Started doing the Yoga and gradually felt better. The whole combination of stretching, breathing and mindset really helps. For me, it helps clear my mind and give me a focus.

My meds work good some days, not as good other days. I know I can't live without them. Our chemical "soup" is different from non-MI people.

You are a great person. People love you.

Hang in there!

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