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Trying not to


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I've already messed up and self harmed today but now I'm trying not to do it again. I felt frightened while I was doing it. I wanted to injure myself more severely than I usually do and I was frightened because of the places on my body I wanted to hurt.

I know this was triggered by a specific abuse memory but I don't know what to do about it. When this image is replaying in my head I feel aroused by it. I'm so ashamed it is hard to even type this. I wanted the arousal to go away so I harmed myself in an area of my body related to this memory. It helped for a while but now I want to do it again.

I feel lonely and afraid. I'd appreciate any kind words. Thank you.

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That sounds really intense - shame related to trauma is really, really hard to deal with.  And also, we know that arousal in response to those types of memories happens just as a result of bodies being bodies.

I hope you are able to find something comforting/nurturing to do to take care of yourself, because you deserve to be cared for.

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Wondering how you're doing today, Rabbit. Sounds like you were having a pretty hard time on Sunday. 

I don't have any words of wisdom, tryp covered the bases pretty well. Is there something nurturing you can do to your body instead of harming it, that wouldn't bring back/emphasize the memories of the abuse? Hot bath/shower, self-massage, put nice smelling lotion on, manicure/pedicure, etc.?

Thinking of you.

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Thank you, Tryp and Geek. I think each day since Sunday has gotten a little better.  I can distract myself pretty well at work but it is harder at home.  I did text one of my friends Sunday night and she was really helpful and supportive.  I do worry about burning people out with being too needy, but at least for now it seems ok with this friend.

The suggestions to do nurturing things sound good, but honestly it is difficult.  I struggle to take baths or showers on a regular basis.  I think if I still feel badly on Friday I will call pdoc.  I see tdoc tomorrow, not sure if that will make things better or worse.

 

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