Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

I was abused.....


Recommended Posts

I am feeling some happiness, sadness, excitement, relief, fear and disorientation all at once...

I found an article online yesterday that helped me come to a deep acceptance of the fact that I was abused as a child. Abused and neglected emotionally and psychologically.

My father's rejection, shouting at me, belittling me, the domestic violence in my presence, the witholding of love and affection, particularly physical affection.....being bullied at school and my not being heard or offered any support...

I can understand now at a deep compassionate level the roots of my depression and anxiety. 'No wonder' I would turn out this way.

But I also want to be my real self and who I am now, with the full range of feelings and ability to assert myself.....to be strong and clear and exist.....not be like I am so used to being..either a ghost or an object of ridicule in the eyes of others.

Sometimes it feels a challenge to be adult...disorientating.....frightening...adults always took away good feelings, or negated or ignored them...I grew up to be wary of adults...and people my own age...

I don't want to be frightened of being adult...myself as an adult is compassionate and accepting and my heart can hold all the younger parts safely and warmly, so I don't feel as threatened.

It should not feel threatening for me to be an adult..I WANT to be me, with my own feelings.....in my own body....to feel and be real....

it is new and unfamiliar to feel real....I diminished my sense of being real by dissociating a lot in the past, so the pain hurt less, so, to feel real now takes time and patience and compassion.....its a challenging and beautiful journey....and I want to survive, to live...I don't want to have to be perfect.....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

nestling,

I think your post was one, probably the best post, I have read on CB in a very long time.

I have thought and felt, in my own way in my own life, many of the thoughts you so wrote so adeptly. In fact, I can't write anymore right now because your post has me thinking about so many things about my own life.

Thank you, and thank you for sharing your strength and resolve.

Erika

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am feeling some happiness, sadness, excitement, relief, fear and disorientation all at once...

I found an article online yesterday that helped me come to a deep acceptance of the fact that I was abused as a child. Abused and neglected emotionally and psychologically.

My father's rejection, shouting at me, belittling me, the domestic violence in my presence, the witholding of love and affection, particularly physical affection.....being bullied at school and my not being heard or offered any support...

I can understand now at a deep compassionate level the roots of my depression and anxiety. 'No wonder' I would turn out this way.

But I also want to be my real self and who I am now, with the full range of feelings and ability to assert myself.....to be strong and clear and exist.....not be like I am so used to being..either a ghost or an object of ridicule in the eyes of others.

Sometimes it feels a challenge to be adult...disorientating.....frightening...adults always took away good feelings, or negated or ignored them...I grew up to be wary of adults...and people my own age...

I don't want to be frightened of being adult...myself as an adult is compassionate and accepting and my heart can hold all the younger parts safely and warmly, so I don't feel as threatened.

It should not feel threatening for me to be an adult..I WANT to be me, with my own feelings.....in my own body....to feel and be real....

it is new and unfamiliar to feel real....I diminished my sense of being real by dissociating a lot in the past, so the pain hurt less, so, to feel real now takes time and patience and compassion.....its a challenging and beautiful journey....and I want to survive, to live...I don't want to have to be perfect.....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yeah, I know. I come from similar stuff.

When you come to the realization that what you are left to deal with after someone else took such bad care of you is YOUR'S to deal with, it's freeing and confounding.

As adults we have no real basis for dealing as adults, because we weren't taught the skills. We didn't learn how to be, how to cope, how to deal. And if that's not bad enough, on top of that we were being physically, emotionally and in always assaulted. In my case the domestic violence included me as one of the punching bags, incest all the lovely hallmarks of extreme darkness of the soul (them).

I finally boiled it down to, "someone else broke it, I have to fix it," That frees me from victim mentality a stance I abhor and reject. I recognize that I have to teach and invent my own way of being, adult or otherwise. And finding models of healthy living in therapists and friends, books, etc. is helpful for that.

Bottom line: It IS a journey, not a destination.

Bravo, and I'm 45 and still waiting to feel like an adult. I don't have to feel like one, but I must act like one--or at least do the best I can to be responsible for myself and my actions.

Good thoughts. So many don't make it, sounds like you're making it. Stay strong.

Hugs,

Suzanne

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Congrats nestling. I'm hoping to find that acceptance one day. I haven't yet. Your post gives me hope.

I agree with themind, Could you post the link for that article you read? It might help someone else, too.

Croix

Link to comment
Share on other sites

thank you for responding

the article I found was www.helpguide.org/mental/child_abuse_physical_emotional_sexual_neglect.htm

I am touched by your words, Erika. And Suzanne - especially where you say "someone else broke it, I have to fix it," that helps a lot, because if I envisage myself as a vase.....that someone has dropped, and I cannot help but pick it up and want to mend it. Sometimes the crack-lines cannot help but still be visible, but I hope I become more whole...

The most difficult thing right now is that I am having more and more experiences of feeling 'well' and coping and managing inbetween the fallings into the abyss.....and when I am in my adult consciousness I am able to feel good about that, its when, like in therapy, my child states express themselves, they find coping and being adult hard to handle, they percieve it as a threat and they will try to sabotage my recovery, given half the chance. When they are present I am often dissociated from my adult self and cannot build the bridge and feel frustrated and upset and hurt.

So, it helped to start to see it as I've posted it above, in the context of my past, rather than to try and punish myself more.

I want to get well, want to get healthy, want to cope.....don't want to be plagued by hyper-vigilance and jumpiness, among other things, for the rest of my life.

My therapist explained a model of recovery from grief on Wednesday, to describe how intergration of my personality might be, that in the beginning all there is is the child selves, but, over time, my adult self, with all its compassion and empathy, grows and can hold the child parts within it. I do feel my heart expanding to hold these little katies, I even had a dream last night where I was holding a tiny baby close to my chest, my heart.

The challenge is to keep in touch with this compassion...

I'll sleep on this, and see if further thoughts and feelings emerge....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

if I envisage myself as a vase.....that someone has dropped, and I cannot help but pick it up and want to mend it. Sometimes the crack-lines cannot help but still be visible, but I hope I become more whole...
You have described exactly how I felt when I began my healing journey almost 20 years ago.

I felt shattered beyond repair, thus, the possibility of wholeness seemed, well, impossible. No matter how much recovery work I did.

But as I moved through the process, and I mean years through, I realized--it was an epiphany actually--the the sum of the parts is greater than the whole.

And on the matter of integration I agree completely. I still use that. For example, when my husband died a few years ago, I became despondent and of course had a major depressive episode, it lasted 4 years!

But I realized during that time that my heart, soul, consciousness would grow to encompass the pain of this great loss, and it has.

Self awareness is the key to bringing us to change, but practice on a daily basis is the real crucial component. Because this never goes away, and some days--some years--are better than others.

My experience is that sometimes I tank so bad I feel I've lost everything and more that I've gained. But when I get back to a more objective place of thinking. I realize it's usually depression, or stress of situation, PTSD attacks, something specific that is distorting my thinking, and that I do indeed have a new set point for how I perceive myself relative to the world and my family in particular. It's one of power and clarity. So I usually do alright. It's hard to remember that the thought distortions are just that when you're having them, and that's when I act crazy and do things I rue later, but like I said earlier, practice.

The other thing that saved my ass was humor. Some people think my humor is tasteless and dark--thank you! Sometimes it is tasteless, depending on the sitch. But always dark, cynical--but it works for me.

Hugs,

S9

Link to comment
Share on other sites

thank you .....

I am starting to explore this new territory, and reach out to myself and embrace my sadness.

Although it is 10 years ago that I first learnt my family had been dysfunctional, I am now stepping onto the ground more securely and safely.

For years I've felt I have no personality......but now I am starting to feel that there is someone inside of me. Something of some substance, beyond the hard fragile shell of onlooker of my own life...that empty hollow frail exterior I build to survive in a bleak emotional landscape where I was left, lost and alone and frightened. As I start to have feelings about myself, my life, I begin to see that really, instead of me as a human being being 'ill', my environment was seriously unwell and unnurturing.

Something somehow allowed some semblance of self to exist within me despite the ruins of my heart..despite the neglect and rejection and abuse....I still don't quite know how this came to be...is it one of life's miracles? Or due to my dance teacher at secondary school believing in and nurturing my soul, spirit and creativity? But, that too, is a miracle come into a life fragilly drawn and broken.....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...