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Does any ever really get over sexual abuse?


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I desperately need some feedback, before I succeed with suicide.  I can't take it anymore.  Does anyone really ever get over being sexually, physically and mentally abused?  I feel totally bereft of any real feeling except self-loathing.  I want to die NOW!  I am on Cymbalta, Trazadone and Clonopin.  I have been on a plethora of other meds, and NOTHING seems to help.  I have panic attacks everyday.  I cannot shed this dark cloud of depression, which just keeps getting deeper and deeper.  All I want to do is DIE!  I can't fight these demons anymore.  I do go to therapy once a week and see shrink once a month. 

The only thing keeping me alive right now is my mother.  It would kill her if I committed suicide.  SHe has Alzhiemer's, which is only moderate.  If the day comes she doesn't know her children, I will finally end my own life.  I don't care if God damns me to hell for it - all I know is hell on earth. 

I am intelligent and even have a degree in Human Services.  A lot of good it does me, I can't even maintain a job.  So, you see, I really am a hopeless human being, a waste of skin and bones!

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I've been in your position- penniless, educated but thrown out of job after job, and sexually abused...found my dad dead on the floor and swore I'd never kill myself, I'd never put a loved one through that hell...

See if you can go to the hospital. Or at least call someone you love and trust. Or do something you enjoy. I don't want to see another one of us die of our disease.

Yes, we can recover from sexual abuse. I have recovered. I'm 27 and was abused/raped when I was 7-9 and again when I was 16. I've recovered due to a lot of love from great people, and an open mind about sharing my heart and body with wonderful lovers who would never hurt me.

I am sorry you have suffered like this too. PM me if you need to talk to someone. I'm online every day.

Loony

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Guest ~Aurelie~

hi wackadoo~

i completely identify. so maybe i shouldn't be the one to respond. however, i know that sometimes it can help to know that one is not alone.

you

are

not

alone.

have you tried EMDR? it has been the only thing that has helped me with this awful stuff. it is the only thing that gives me hope to keep on fighting. i am on a waiting list to do more. i've gotten new memories since the last time and need desperately to work through them. it is not easy keeping one's head above water in the meantime now is it. EMDR isn't for everyone, but no therapy is. i am a firm believer that there is something helpful/healing out there for everyone. please keep searching. do you have a strong trust for your therapist? are you able to be open with him/her, really spill your guts? that is another thing i know i will need in order to mend. just some thoughts/ideas.

you are not a waste of skin and bones. you are a SURVIVOR. do you realize what it takes to be a survivor? it takes EVERYTHING. you are probably the strongest person you know. when you get through dealing with your abuse issues you will feel empowered and all the strength you have used to survive will turn the other way-- you will thrive in your life.

i actually just wrote in a post yesterday that i hate surviving. it is true. i am tired of it. what kind of life is this where all one does is survive? but i believe there is more for us survivors. i still have one positive cell left in my self and it's stronger than all the tired angry depressed suicidal ones. the only reason i know that, is because i'm still alive. i think you have a cell like that, too.

i can't say for sure if people ever really get over sexual abuse. i doubt it. but life can get better in spite of it. so that it doesn't rule you. so that you can have healthy relationships. so you can stop wanting to die and start wanting to live instead. i am holding out for this. i am writing this to myself as much as i am writing it to you. i need to believe in this to keep going.

from one survivor to another, please keep fighting!

aurelie

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Use your emergency numbers (tdoc, pdoc) or get the to a hospital pronto!

I can hear the desperation in your post. I am so sorry you are feeling that bad. Sexual abuse sucks ass. I've been there. But recovery and more important real healing is possible. I'm living proof. I've actually been in the same room with my abuser twice in the past month and other than some lingering hatred and a little anxiety, I'm ok. I have a healthy sexual relationship with a hubby now and on the rare occations I get triggered, it's manageable.

Is it possible for you to see your tdoc more than once a week? Or find an outpatient program you can take part in? It just seems like you could use more help than only 4 times a month right now.

Check into the EMDR too, if it works for you it can really be a life saver.

I've made it back from the brink of hell, you can too.

Best wishes, keep posting

Croix

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I desperately need some feedback, before I succeed with suicide.  I can't take it anymore.  Does anyone really ever get over being sexually, physically and mentally abused?

A resounding yes. I did, you can. I took back what they stole from me. I am a powerful woman today, fully in charge of my body and most importantly my sexuality.

I still get mindblowing PTSD attacks, flashbacks, the works. But it passes.

You can move beyond it and become more than you ever thought was possible. Starting right from where you are now. But you have to stay alive to do it.

Read through this thread. Don't kill yourself. They win if you do that. Fuck that. You have to become warrior. When I was taking back the spirit and soul of me that my assailants (family and otherwise) took from me, I used to envision myself riding a horse standing up, raging into battle. Fuck that. Live. Fuck them. Live to get through it, to enjoy your womanhood, your sexuality, your power. It's possible. It takes a lot of work. It ain't for pussies. But you have a lot of support right here if you chose to fight.

Chose to.

Blessings,

S9

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Yes! It is possible to get past these things. Read through the threads here, you'll find a couple that might be helpful.

However, and this is crucial, you cannot get past it if you're dead!

Your post sounds so desperate, please do things to keep yourself safe -- call your pdoc/therapist, call a friend to stay with you or go out, go to the hospital if you need to. Keeping yourself safe is the first step.

There are other steps, but you can reclaim your life. A number of people here have done so or are in the process. I've reclaimed almost all of mine -- I've made peace with some of the perpetrators -- and worked past the majority of the rest. I do still have dissociative moments, an occasional flashback, a very few things that bother me.

I have most of my life back. You can too.

Fiona

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To all who have posted in response, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I have read a few postings in various categories, and it was overwhelming how many of us suffer so intensely, but so many of you have come so far.  I hate myself because the pain of my abuse is still so raw in my mind.

Yes, my therapist is amazing.  I finally have found a pdoc who will actually LISTEN to me, and this really helps.  The fact that she is a female is especially helpful, as I find it hard to relate to men.  For the past week I have been in a panic attack and very suicidal.  This may coincide with the anniversary of my father's death - my abuser.  I know for the present I won't persue suicide as a way out, but it is constantly on my mind. 

I am having some new manifestations of my MI.  The past few weeks I have had extremely rapid mood changes, and it is starting to scare me.  Talked to therapist about it and she has two stances on it.  One, she thinks it may be related to stress, or possibly another diagnosis which she didn't mention.  She said she needs to further evaluate me, before she places another label on me. 

This is the greatest website I have found for MI.  You are all truly an amazing bunch of people.  Think I'll sit a spell for a while.

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I hate myself because the pain of my abuse is still so raw in my mind.

Do not hate yourself, hate the abusers, hate the pain they have caused you, but do not hate yourself. As others have said, if you turn the hate or blame on yourself than the abusers win.

For the past week I have been in a panic attack and very suicidal.  This may coincide with the anniversary of my father's death - my abuser.  I know for the present I won't persue suicide as a way out, but it is constantly on my mind.
Anniversaries are very difficult times, anniversaries of the actual event or associated with the abuser, like the death of your father. It is very likely that this is way you feel so overwhelmed with the anxiety and suicidal thoughts right now. Anniversaries are BIG triggers. Talk to your tdoc and let her know about the anniversary connection, if you haven't already. With this added trigger, it would be best to see your tdoc more often. If you haven't told her yet, please do. Even if you can't afford to see her more often, she may make work something out with you so you can see her more often until this difficult period has passed. If nothing else, perhaps she will agree to take phone calls from you when your feelings become very intense.

I am having some new manifestations of my MI.  The past few weeks I have had extremely rapid mood changes, and it is starting to scare me.  Talked to therapist about it and she has two stances on it.  One, she thinks it may be related to stress, or possibly another diagnosis which she didn't mention.  She said she needs to further evaluate me, before she places another label on me.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It is scary, I and others here have been were you are know. The rapid mood changes, the incressed stress, the increased anxiety attacks, and most importantly the suicidal ideation may be related to the anniversary trigger.

Keep in touch. Keep posting. You have people here who have been through similar situations and have come through the other side victorious over the demons.

Erika

*edit: I just read your signature. The Moody Blues are also one of my favorite bands. What is your favorite song?

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Yes, my therapist is amazing.  I finally have found a pdoc who will actually LISTEN to me, and this really helps.  The fact that she is a female is especially helpful, as I find it hard to relate to men.

I posted hastily last night, as I was on my way to bed and very tired, but wanted to send up the flag...that help is there for you and yes, we do make it through. It's so important to stay close to the real life people you trust and make deals with them about suicide, if possible. I was lucky enough to be in 1-1 therapy and group therapy for incest recovery when I was where you appear to be in the process. I stayed very close to this bunch, attending group meeting once a week for 1 1/2 years and 1-1 for longer.

We can help you here, but with this kind of stuff real life support is absolutely vital. Professional guidance is the only way. I would recommend (this is my opinion and experience talking) you stay away from groups that are not moderated by professionals, if you do seek group support. I think there are some based on the 12 step model, and I think the 12 step model is great for a lot of things, but incest recovery is not one. You need a professional therapist to moderate any groups as they can get very intense at times. I had such a great group. And it was moderated by my therapist. It was so safe. And even within that framework there were times some of us needed the immediate rescue of Dr. S.

FWIW, I too wouldn't see a male therapist forever. I have one now, and we have a great releationship, so there...further evidence you can make it through <smile>.

For the past week I have been in a panic attack and very suicidal.  This may coincide with the anniversary of my father's death - my abuser.
Anniversaries are definitely triggers. And when your abusers are dead, it often is even more confounding. BTW, my dad was one of my perps as well--he's still alive though.

I know for the present I won't persue suicide as a way out, but it is constantly on my mind.
This sounds better than the first post. I still think of being dead every day, thought comes thought goes. Active suicide mode is much different. If you know the difference in you, cool. But still have a plan in place for calling someone in RL if the thoughts become overwhelming or if all else fails get your butt to the ER.

I am having some new manifestations of my MI.  The past few weeks I have had extremely rapid mood changes, and it is starting to scare me.  Talked to therapist about it and she has two stances on it.  One, she thinks it may be related to stress, or possibly another diagnosis which she didn't mention.  She said she needs to further evaluate me, before she places another label on me.
She sounds good--stay close to her. Sounds like you trust her too, be honest with her to a fault. 

This is the greatest website I have found for MI.  You are all truly an amazing bunch of people.  Think I'll sit a spell for a while.

Cool! Get to know us! Bunch of wacky folks here! The good, the bad the ugly. But I would be lost without this place. Get to know some people. Venture out into some of the more generic and fun threads. Visit the Springer board, all kinds of cool threads down there.

Take good care. You're worth it! You have no idea how much life is worth living! And you won't find out unless you stick around! The bad spells are bad, and dark and sometimes very long, but the goodness that comes afterward is worth it.

Hugs,

S9

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  • 1 month later...

Thank you everybody.  Because the suicidal urge is so strong, and I told my pdoc, that she offered me a choice.  I either go voluntarily to a partial hospitalization, or she would have me committed.

I didn't want to go thru the embarrassment of committment, so I am now in a partial hosp. program.  I go 5 hours a day.  I see a therapist and a pdoc there.  There is mostly group therapy, which I find difficult.  I am more of a one on one type of person, but I won't give up.

I still wish I was dead every day of my life, but I've come to the realization of the pain it would cause for those who love me, especially my mom, even tho she has Alzheimers.  She still is cognizant enough to know who I am, etc.

So for now I am holding on by a thin life line, and will adhere strictly to my PHP.

Thanks again for all your support, it means a lot to me.

By the way, what is EMDR?  Thanks.

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I am more of a one on one type of person, but I won't give up.
That's the spirit! We've lost too many...

So for now I am holding on by a thin life line, and will adhere strictly to my PHP.
A thin life line is better than no life line! Hang on, it DOES heal, it takes time (god I hate that word.)

Hugs,

S9

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