Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

the Betrayal aspect


Guest ~Aurelie~

Recommended Posts

I don't know that I have any advice for dealing with it.

You've certainly brought something to light for me that I hadn't thought of in these terms before. You're right. In some ways, being abused and neglected (two different situations) is made worse by knowing that I should have been able to trust the people involved.

I should have been able to trust my parents not to do even a 'benign neglect.' That it was them does produce a feeling of betrayal -- and I think it's part of why I'm having trouble trusting in their latest personality change/acceptance of much of my life.

And I should have been able to trust my husband. Of all the people out there, I should have been able to trust him and instead he betrayed that trust.

It certainly is a good way to sum up some of my trust issues.

I just keep going forward or at least not going backward. And I've spent a lot of time with my therapist.

Fiona

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Aurelie,

Sorry your anxiety level has been so high. Do what ever you need to do to distract yourself, if it is posting alot on the boards, then by all means post away, but no need to apologize.

Question: I am not exactly sure what you mean by betrayal. Fiona's post makes perfect sense to me but the first thought that came to mind was not the trust issue, but rather the idea that one family member knew about the abuse but said nothing or did nothing to help you or to make it stop. Or is this one and the same thing? I'm confuzzled.

Help my ailing brain, and I will see what books I can track down for you.

Erika

Link to comment
Share on other sites

right now i am dealing with the betrayal aspect of abuse by family. i am finding more than the actual abuse, the betrayal is what's killing me inside the most. i am posting a lot tonight and i am sorry about that. i am just trying to keep busy because i am having a lot of flashbacks these days and it is my experience that when my anxiety heightens it means memories are coming so i need this distraction to try to keep them at bay. i am feeling very anxious.

anyone have any advice for dealing with the betrayal end of abuse? anyone know of good books to read on this to help oneself?

thanks

aurelie

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Aurelie,

This was one of the hardest parts of the process for me too. When you start this kind of recovery (I'll speak in the I). I was in crisis mode, and I stayed that way for a while. I thought only of my life within the framework of the abuse itself.

Then after I got my head wrapped around all of that, which took a few years, I started looking at the bigger picture, "how did this happen?" "Weren't people there who were supposed to be protecting me from such things?" As a mother myself, I would be confounded how a child could be left in such a vulnerable position as to BE violated in the first place.

As the pieces fell into place, and I began to see how certain people, particularly my mother, were neglectful and in some cases downright complicit in my abuse, the "betrayal aspect" as you call it set it.

I went into a major funk over that. I'm not sure I'm over it still. Betrayal is the worst for me. It made me feel so alone in the world. It goes so hand in hand with abandonment.

I'm still a freak about betrayal. I have to becareful to keep it "right-sized". For example, if you say you're going to call me and you don't, it kicks up my betrayal/abandonment/trust stuff.

It's wicked. It takes a lot of experience and reflection for me to know what is "old stuff". The tone and amplification of the feelings is the best cue.

But, yeah, the betrayal aspect is a real ass-kicker. The plus side I guess is that realizing certain people didn't do their job in my childhood, helped me understand why it's important for ME to do the job for ME today. In other words, to protect my self from injury. Emotionally particularly, but also physical.

Dr. Charlotte Kasl writes some good books, in general, for self caring. "Home for the Heart". Check her out at Amazon...my books are packed right now, I just moved.

She also has a website, you can google her.

Hugs,

S9

Link to comment
Share on other sites

oh. erika? hmm. okay i just thought of something that might help get across what i meant by betrayal. for me it's like, i woke up one day last week realizing that everything i had believed about a certain family member was completely backward, false, that i had somehow blanked out the unspeakable just so i could survive the truth, which is the opposite of what my brain would allow in order to keep me alive. now i'm sitting here thinking, holy shit, is NOTHING about my life what i believed it to be? then of course there's the betrayal aspect of the actual abuse by the people who were supposed to protect and nurture me.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I understand what you say about the backward thing, seeming opposite to what defense mechanisms and survival would normally lead to. This may sound lame, and in my life it has nothing to do with PTSD, but I have those wake up times every few years, It is like I am a diiferent person now and nothing about the old me or the things I was doing at the time make any sense. I feel like a forienger in what used to be my normal environment. I am not sure you are talking about the same thing exactly. But sometimes, for me, those moments are signs of growth or a passage into a different state of knowing that comes from having just been alive longer. I am not sure if that makes any sense. And, as I said, this may not be anything at all like what you are feeling.

The betrayal for me was the fact that they people who should have protected me and nutured me did not. It may have sounded odd that I had to ask what betrayal meant to you ... I'm jsut odd.

If you ever need to write something down, to get it out of your head, whatever, feel free to PM me. I can separate myself from any triggger. I had to in order to do the job I had at one time, which was sitting there listening to people talk about their PTSD.

Hang in there. You are a survivor!

Erika

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you ever need to write something down, to get it out of your head, whatever, feel free to PM me. I can separate myself from any triggger. I had to in order to do the job I had at one time, which was sitting there listening to people talk about their PTSD.

Hang in there. You are a survivor!

Erika

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Aurelie, or anyone dealing with this kind of stuff, just like what Erika said, I too can deal with others PTSD stuff without it triggering my own. Don't let that stop you from getting it out. Send PMs, to me, to Erika to whomever you feel comfortable with.

Talking about it and getting it out is so important. Purging yourself of the toxic memories and such. Makes way for the good stuff to come in...

Hugs,

S9

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i also worry a great deal about triggering others. i know i can post the trigger sign, but that never stops me from reading trigger posts when i shouldn't be, so who's to say it stops others. i wouldn't want to inadvertantly or otherwise cause anybody pain. i worry about that when i'm posting. that's part of the reason why i delete so often.

Don't worry too much about this -- one of the most important aspects of this site is the "no walking on eggshells." Post anything you want or need to, don't worry about the impact it might have on anyone else. You can (should?) focus on yourself, and let the rest of us worry about ourselves. Also, as Erika and Saturnine said many of us can separate our own issues when reading about others.

why does everything have to be so hard all of the time?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I wish I knew. I can't count the number of times I've said this to my friends, family, and therapist. I still think about this question.

Erika raised an interesting point about betrayal -- I wonder if the situation with my parents wasn't as terrible as it could be because I had two family members who recognized the situation and tried to give me what they didn't. Even now the anniversary of my grandfather's death is a huge issue for me (20 years later), and I still turn to my sister before my parents.

And I know I felt a certain betrayal from my ex's relatives. They couldn't possibly have missed what was going on, yet they steadfastly denied that they had heard or knew or anything. I suppose it was reasonable that they should be loyal to him and not to me. But to refuse to recognize the abuse happening in their home?

Interesting thoughts.

Fiona

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest ~Aurelie~

oh. erika? hmm. okay i just thought of something that might help get across what i meant by betrayal. for me it's like, i woke up one day last week realizing that everything i had believed about a certain family member was completely backward, false, that i had somehow blanked out the unspeakable just so i could survive the truth, which is the opposite of what my brain would allow in order to keep me alive. now i'm sitting here thinking, holy shit, is NOTHING about my life what i believed it to be? then of course there's the betrayal aspect of the actual abuse by the people who were supposed to protect and nurture me.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I understand what you say about the backward thing, seeming opposite to what defense mechanisms and survival would normally lead to. This may sound lame, and in my life it has nothing to do with PTSD, but I have those wake up times every few years, It is like I am a diiferent person now and nothing about the old me or the things I was doing at the time make any sense. I feel like a forienger in what used to be my normal environment. I am not sure you are talking about the same thing exactly. But sometimes, for me, those moments are signs of growth or a passage into a different state of knowing that comes from having just been alive longer. I am not sure if that makes any sense. And, as I said, this may not be anything at all like what you are feeling.

The betrayal for me was the fact that they people who should have protected me and nutured me did not. It may have sounded odd that I had to ask what betrayal meant to you ... I'm jsut odd.

If you ever need to write something down, to get it out of your head, whatever, feel free to PM me. I can separate myself from any triggger. I had to in order to do the job I had at one time, which was sitting there listening to people talk about their PTSD.

Hang in there. You are a survivor!

Erika

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

hi there Erika. yes i do relate to what you wrote, and NOTHING you wrote sounds lame or odd. i am guessing a lot of people experience this.

i think it is too difficult for me to get my personal betrayal effects across without actually telling my story. i hope i haven't confused things more.

but definitely your second paragraph is a major aspect of the betrayal for me as well.

sorry i am not being more descriptive. i am very much under the weather today and probably should be in bed.

thanks for all of your thoughts! and i appreciate your offer to PM you.

aurelie

ps. you are a survivor, too!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest ~Aurelie~

If you ever need to write something down, to get it out of your head, whatever, feel free to PM me. I can separate myself from any triggger. I had to in order to do the job I had at one time, which was sitting there listening to people talk about their PTSD.

Hang in there. You are a survivor!

Erika

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Aurelie, or anyone dealing with this kind of stuff, just like what Erika said, I too can deal with others PTSD stuff without it triggering my own. Don't let that stop you from getting it out. Send PMs, to me, to Erika to whomever you feel comfortable with.

Talking about it and getting it out is so important. Purging yourself of the toxic memories and such. Makes way for the good stuff to come in...

Hugs,

S9

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

thanks S9. i am thinking about it, considering it.

take care,

aurelie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

just popping in.....haven't had a lot of energy to reply in depth to a lot of stuff, but i am reading.

see, i haven't left, you haven't weirded me out, i don't think you are a freak, so keep posting! i'm still reading.  think of me as your safe repository for your words.  give them to me & they won't hurt you.

and yes, i get what you say about finally knowing love and finally being able to let yourself process the bad stuff. i get this visual of you trapped behind a high, thick wall of concrete blocks that you had to construct in order to protect yourself.  it makes total, total sense to me.

ps i also really like the DID thread cuz it helps me understand that a lot better.  if i understand how things work i can think through them better, so by explaining your experiences to me you have helped me understand and helped me help other people. 

gotta go!  i'm trying to be really productive at work.....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And I know I felt a certain betrayal from my ex's relatives. They couldn't possibly have missed what was going on, yet they steadfastly denied that they had heard or knew or anything. I suppose it was reasonable that they should be loyal to him and not to me. But to refuse to recognize the abuse happening in their home?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I had a similar experience. While I understood and even told my ex-mother-in-law that I knew she was going to stand by her son and his story, I still called her and told her what really happened, and I had witnesses.

i think it is too difficult for me to get my personal betrayal effects across without actually telling my story. i hope i haven't confused things more.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You haven't confused anyone. I've read the replies and think many of us can relate to betrayal without having to know the exact details of your story, or having to share the exact details of our own stories.

and yes, i get what you say about finally knowing love and finally being able to let yourself process the bad stuff.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

In my own way, I, too, understand. Trust is a major issue in PTSD. When you find someone whom you can trust, you feel safe sharing your story(ies).

Erika

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest ~Aurelie~

just popping in.....haven't had a lot of energy to reply in depth to a lot of stuff, but i am reading.

see, i haven't left, you haven't weirded me out, i don't think you are a freak, so keep posting!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...