Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Recommended Posts

Wanted to post this topic for a LONG time.  Started dating again after almost 30 years a few months ago. 

My experiences have been all over the map. AMazing, indifferent, awful and confusing.

Right now, after a second date with the first man MY age, I don't feel any.....spark. Physical affection? A desire to rip his clothes off?

What am I supposed to feel? He is NICE, CUTE, LIKES ME, FUN, but I wanted to leave after a couple of hours of dinner.

He is very safe and relaxed, Laid back which is great for me. Seems sharp and into life, independent.

BUT....whenever I talk about myself, he listens, and then comes back with another similar story either about himself or a friend. HE is not narcissistic, or self centered. But seems indifferent to ME.  I know he is physically attracted to me and has been VERY VERY good about boundaries. WHich is rare for these guys on tinder.  And my body does not react in fear to his. It is just...indifferent.  I like his hands. He has a kind face. 

I want to tell him. If I continue, then....that is a kind of sort of commitment. I gave it a second date after deciding no, there was no spark. And now, there is still no spark. Which makes me sad.  And makes me want to give it another chance.

This dating stuff is SO FUCKING RANDOM. I want to meet Prince Charming or the frog, my John Galt, my Jaime Frasier, my John Lennon. or the local pet shop boy as long as he loves me for who I am and is into my mind, body and soul. Is that asking too much? lol 

What about you?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ummm...as an Aspie, I am probably very far down on the list of people from whom you should consider taking relationship advice. 

But it has been explained to me, in so many words, that sometimes people are trying to relate to you when they tell you stories that mirror the story you have just told them. It's not a technique for which I particularly care, or at any rate I find it must be deployed with sensitivity, or it wears thin very quickly.

If that particular quality is really troubling you, I encourage you to address it with him directly. That is, if you want to give him one more shot.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not everyone kind person you meet will be "the one", there's nothing wrong with that. You might meet people you mesh well with, but don't feel a spark who can become REALLY awesome friends for you. That's not a bad thing! I don't understand why you're so worried about this not having the outcome you wanted, if it's just because you 'just got back out there' ? Probably. You just wanted a connection and it wasn't there. There are plenty of other places to find men - aside from Tinder. POF, Match, eHarmony. Trust me.

In my experience, I end up finding guys when I'm not looking for them. Like my current boyfriend was an old roommate, for a couple months. I lived basically in a 'frat house' and might as well have been house mother lol. Five guys and myself. He flirted with me the most and sort of had a player-esque to him. Neither of us was really looking for anything and he turned out to be a really good guy who was a sex addict - like myself. But a loyal one, although people think that's impossible. We aim our urges at one another of course. A lot of people find someone, even if it's not "the one" when they're not looking. You're gonna date plenty of guys who aren't "the one", but you gotta get through the good, the bad, and the really frickin ugly before you get there. Some people date one person and that's their end all be all, not everyone's that lucky.

It's okay for a date to go wrong, or not feel like there's a connection. Especially if personality wise he's what you want, if you're not attracted to him and try to force it....it won't work. Don't waste yours or his time when you could both be searching for someone you click with, you know?

You can even try Craigslist for looking for someone, some people on their actually have good intentions and won't just wanna hook up.....or chop you up into small pieces and bury you in their backyard. Really though, that's almost anyone could be that way. You just have to look for the red flags of course. Just be safe, and don't rush anything. You and this guy could be good friends!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, Gearhead said:

 

If that particular quality is really troubling you, I encourage you to address it with him directly. That is, if you want to give him one more shot.

Thank you Gear! Good advice which I....never thought of. lol

 

9 hours ago, ladyboss said:

Not everyone kind person you meet will be "the one", there's nothing wrong with that. You might meet people you mesh well with, but don't feel a spark who can become REALLY awesome friends for you. That's not a bad thing! I don't understand why you're so worried about this not having the outcome you wanted, if it's just because you 'just got back out there' ? Probably. You just wanted a connection and it wasn't there. There are plenty of other places to find men - aside from Tinder. POF, Match, eHarmony. Trust me.

In my experience, I end up finding guys when I'm not looking for them. Like my current boyfriend was an old roommate, for a couple months. I lived basically in a 'frat house' and might as well have been house mother lol. Five guys and myself. He flirted with me the most and sort of had a player-esque to him. Neither of us was really looking for anything and he turned out to be a really good guy who was a sex addict - like myself. But a loyal one, although people think that's impossible. We aim our urges at one another of course. A lot of people find someone, even if it's not "the one" when they're not looking. You're gonna date plenty of guys who aren't "the one", but you gotta get through the good, the bad, and the really frickin ugly before you get there. Some people date one person and that's their end all be all, not everyone's that lucky.

It's okay for a date to go wrong, or not feel like there's a connection. Especially if personality wise he's what you want, if you're not attracted to him and try to force it....it won't work. Don't waste yours or his time when you could both be searching for someone you click with, you know?

You can even try Craigslist for looking for someone, some people on their actually have good intentions and won't just wanna hook up.....or chop you up into small pieces and bury you in their backyard. Really though, that's almost anyone could be that way. You just have to look for the red flags of course. Just be safe, and don't rush anything. You and this guy could be good friends!

Thank you for this thoughtful insightful reply!

I am irrationally filled with a fear of waiting too long because I am 60 years old.

Plus, there is a bit of fun with the dating apps. I get SOOOOO many matches. A ton. On tinder. There are a slew of men who really7 really want to date older women. And the compliments are lovely. My marriage was NOT filled with a key ingredient: physical intimacy. I am VERY physical and have been denied this for years. But I am turned off by so many guys who blurt out do you wanna fuck in the first line. Even when I warn them and then say, "ok, start over, what do you like to do with your days?" "ummmm, play video games and jerk off." idiots. lol

My fear is, the younger nice gentlemen men will all want kids and they will breakup with me someday. But...why am I putting so much pressure on this first dating shit. My husband left me in October 2016. So what if I have some fun first before finding Prince Charming?

 

**********Don't forget, this is a topic for ALL of us out there in the dating world looking for love*********

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You say you're 60 years old? No offense, I feel like Tinder might not be a good area for your search IMO. A lot of people on Tinder are just looking for a hook up, esp. young people like myself. There are plenty of dating sites for people who want an LTR and not just a good time. If you're in that age range, I would suggest OurTime? If you want someone in your age range that is, unless you like younger men if so then go for it. Just remember though, a lot of young people just want to hook up.

We live in a world of right now, automatic, and instant. That being said, my generation is very in tuned with that whole right now thing. We like to "hit it and quit it", or have a one night stand and say adios the next morning whilst doing the walk of shame from his college dorm to ours, or apartment. That's another reason speed dating is a thing although I don't think it works. Love takes work and time, rushing does nothing but hurt a situation. I say that but all my boyfriends I lived with within a month of getting together, a lot of them didn't work out. 

I get that you might feel at your age you should have a "right now", but would you rather have that than have true love that will last until your final days on Earth? I mean, we could all die tomorrow if the world ended; but that doesn't mean we should rush into things. Take life a day at a time, including your love life. You will find someone who shares your interests, and loves you for you in more than one way. Emotionally and physically, of course.

We are all puzzle pieces, your matching piece is out there somewhere. If you meet other pieces that you don't fit into, don't fret. It's not the end of the road just yet.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I hear you on the desire.  And to be honest, I wish something would just hit me over the head.  I've had five significant relationships in my life time and really had chemistry with two of them---because I didn't realize what I was missing out on until I found it.  And I had dryness issues with two of the other three--I think my body was trying to tell me something. 

I don't have a good sense of at what point you should definitively want to jump someone.  Obviously it's great if it's obvious at the beginning--but if it's not,, then how long do you wait?

Sorry, no answers, just empathy.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/1/2017 at 1:38 PM, ladyboss said:

I feel like Tinder might not be a good area for your search IMO. A lot of people on Tinder are just looking for a hook up, esp. young people like myself. There are plenty of dating sites for people who want an LTR and not just a good time. If you're in that age range, I would suggest OurTime? If you want someone in your age range that is, unless you like younger men if so then go for it. Just remember though, a lot of young people just want to hook up.

 

I am on them all. lol. Though I have never heard of OurTime. I'll look into it.

My evaluations:

Tinder: has the MOST people. Many of them want a LTR. Unfortunately for some reason, ALL of my matches are with younger men. Not my fault! I at first said no because I figure they want families one day, but like you suggested, I am being more PATIENT. My worst virtue. Want to have fun and not put so much pressure on the boy.  The easiest texting dating app of them all. Very clean, very easy to use.

Bumble: Very nice but not many people and I don't like that the matches vanish after 24 hours.

OK Cupid: The most eclectic mix of people and also the most.....with those I do NOT want to date. lol. Also, a VERY annoying texting dating app. I hate it. But it has a lovely list of questions so it is easy to eliminate the Trump voters or the Open Relationship People.

Match: The ONLY one I paid for of course and the worst. There is NO one. And the screen is all over the place. I STILL don't understand how to use it. And I have no patience for likes, winks, sees, interests, etc. Swipe right or left, very simple. No need for all this extra.

 

For now, I want to be happy and settled alone, keep flirting, and hopefully meet someone in the grocery aisle.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/5/2017 at 1:17 PM, water said:

I am on them all. lol. Though I have never heard of OurTime. I'll look into it.

My evaluations:

Tinder: has the MOST people. Many of them want a LTR. Unfortunately for some reason, ALL of my matches are with younger men. Not my fault! I at first said no because I figure they want families one day, but like you suggested, I am being more PATIENT. My worst virtue. Want to have fun and not put so much pressure on the boy.  The easiest texting dating app of them all. Very clean, very easy to use.

Bumble: Very nice but not many people and I don't like that the matches vanish after 24 hours.

OK Cupid: The most eclectic mix of people and also the most.....with those I do NOT want to date. lol. Also, a VERY annoying texting dating app. I hate it. But it has a lovely list of questions so it is easy to eliminate the Trump voters or the Open Relationship People.

Match: The ONLY one I paid for of course and the worst. There is NO one. And the screen is all over the place. I STILL don't understand how to use it. And I have no patience for likes, winks, sees, interests, etc. Swipe right or left, very simple. No need for all this extra.

 

For now, I want to be happy and settled alone, keep flirting, and hopefully meet someone in the grocery aisle.

http://www.datingsitesover40.com/ this website might help you find something. I mean, some people DO find people on Craigslist in their personals. Just be careful, and safe like any other site. 

Patience is a virtue, can't find true love over night and even then all relationships need time to develop; don't rush things. Like I said, hit and quit or night stand sure do that, have sex i mean you only live once. I believe that everyone deserves to have fun, no matter how old they are as long as it's legal and not hurting anybody. Go with the flow. A lot of times, people find someone when they're not looking, which I know seems weird - but it's true. You know how you lose something, and you go looking for it and like half the time you don't find it? Then when you go looking for something else you find what you were looking for- before? It's sort of like that. I wasn't really looking for someone when I met my boyfriend. But almost every time i was "looking" I found no one worth spending even a month with. A few minutes to an hour? sure. A month? No. A week? probably not.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
18 hours ago, ladyboss said:

I believe that everyone deserves to have fun, no matter how old they are as long as it's legal and not hurting anybody. Go with the flow.

Bless you bless you bless you bless you

 I texted the boy I had fun with. The first person I had sex with besides my husband in 30 years. This boy opened a door that had been locked and the key thrown away. A world I never knew existed in my body.  The affair ended months ago and I moved on. 

 But I never stop thinking about this boy.  Somehow or another I stumbled into the perfect person. He help me realize that the agony of my sex life with my husband it's not my fault. I am very physical and this outpouring was stapled shut down.

Yesterday after breakfast with a friend I texted the boy. He texted me back. We are getting together today! I have no idea how because my girl is home but it doesn't matter.  I realize prince charming is around perhaps but now I want comfort, intimacy, orgasms, sweat, heavy breathing, lots of physical love. And I deserve that. 

Edited by water
sigh...it was ok, not great, not bad.....too little heavy breathing, too much talking

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just saying that dating sites can suck sometimes.  Someone showed up on my phone this morning and I was really interested so I sent a message.  I saw later that she had visited my page.  But not replied to my message.  Now she's popping up on my computer as a possible match.  Yet still no reply.  I can't like her on the computer also when she already knows I'm interested; that would just be weird. And I can take the message from a no reply.  But my computer needs to get  over her then.  Because I'm not going to swoosh her away. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/15/2017 at 7:30 PM, dancesintherain said:

Just saying that dating sites can suck sometimes

Omg.  The understatement of the year. ?

 Yesterday I had the longest chat with this guy. He gave his kidney to his dad when he was young. We had some really good communication. The next day without my asking he sent me a dick pic which totally triggered me. I texted back and told him it was inappropriate to soon vulgar and not sexy.   His lack of understanding doomed him for me. 

 Another pet peeve – I paid for only one app, Match, which has turned out to be the worst. I am sick and tired of being "interested in" or even "liked" and then click on the profile and find it's private. What the hell is the point of that? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

No point.

 

It's hard for me to not let it batter my self-esteem because I'm like "can't you find someone to even talk to now."  Which isn't fair to me--that's not what I'm missing.  I've found the occasional (emphasis on occasional) person to talk to...it's finding someone to actually date (more than one date) that I haven't found.

Trying to be patience and not invalidate myself.  But it's hard.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
20 hours ago, dancesintherain said:

Trying to be patience and not invalidate myself.  But it's hard.

My worst trait - impatience. I hear you.

My frog or Prince Charming for all I know will be hidden in the bushes forever.

What's happening now is my anger at these dating apps makes the stubbornness exponentially increase.
I am determined to be whole within myself as much as possible. I am a FULL PERSON.
I do not NEED anyone else. In fact, having ex-hubs at the house today for my girl's birthday is very enlightening.
His criticisms, judgements make me cringe, I see how they destroyed my security in a sense. And I am beginning to see the light to that tunnel where we are friends, and I appreciate the parts of him that I WANT.

As to this mysterious other out there, perhaps it is like waiting for the subway. The train comes as soon as you give up staring down the track.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

oh gawd. I met this guy who is VERY CUTE. I am am VERY attracted to him.
But, all he wants is his "immediate needs" met. I was not prepared on the first date, even though my body was ready.

I knew that might happen and made up my mind ahead of time not to bring him back to my house.
BUT it was really really hard. I really really wanted to and my girl was gone for the night.
So I stuck to my guns so to speak. But now....even though I had a great time with him.
And even though I am VERY attracted to him, I am not sure I can or want to see him again knowing that all he wants is sex.

I want that too. I am very horny. sigh....
But the idea of having him over and know ahead of time he has no interest in me, my life, my mind. 
Well....that does not sit well in my tummy. However, neither does the idea of saying no to him. 

Edited by water
Well, after much thought and talks with friends, I dumped him. :-}

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

wow

you are very brave, amazes me that you are out dating and on Tinder?!

just play safely water

we are the same age and I always thought if I lost my husband somehow I would not date, seems hard at my age.  But young men? huh  I just want you to be happy.  You deserve to feel loved and be happy in a relationship.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
17 hours ago, bpladybug said:

 You deserve to feel loved and be happy in a relationship.

Aw...thank you.  **blushes** so do you!

The problem is I do NOT do casual dating well, and you have to get to know someone first to find out if ther eis any chemistry and I have LITTLE patience for these guys. I do not understand them. lol.  

You cannot believe how MANY men there are in the army without wives who have kids and want to date. But they are CONSTANTLY overseas, their kids live with nannies or grandma's. I've argued with ALL of them over this. lol. I have a really really hard time with a dad who does not have his kid living with him when the mom JUST DIED. It makes no sense to me but.....it is so common. sigh....

Then there are the guys who wants to 'hook-up' immediately, do not pass go, do not collect $220.
Then there are the guys who want to WAIT FOREVER to meet up.

Then there are the guys who converse, text, respond, wonderfully, then all of a SUDDEN DROP off the face of the app. lol

I need to be patience. It is not even a YEAR yet. I am scared of being alone when my girl goes off to college. ANd I am getting older by the day. I know that sound ridiculous, but...there you go.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I would be scared to be alone too after long years of marriage and motherhood

Maybe you could meet a partner involved in something you love like art

someone you have something in common with, an artist's collective, go to openings, show your work, a kindred spirit

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Great idea....but.....sometimes, it is well known, those who suffer from depression have a hard time getting out.....lol

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

FYI:, every morning as I sit on my deck and drink my tea I flirt on tinder and bumble. I think I'm over the learning curve with the dating apps. 

Better than bars in my 20s where I had to spend money, leave my apartment at night. This is so much safer and so much easier to blow off assholes.  

 I am stunned every time I get 10 matches in one sitting. None of my photos are staged. I am not slender. But I do believe with all my heart and soul I want someone who looks at me and says wow. 

But… The rest comes in real life and I have my doubts that will happen from a random stranger on the Internet. A girl can hope however. And flirt. ❤️

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

  • Similar Content

    • By JoJoBBY924
      So I met a guy who I really liked. We went on a few dates, then I ended up spending the night last night. Once I got home, he texted me and asked me what medications I took this morning, which I was honest. He said that hasn’t scared him away, but he has been distant and stopped texting me. I know the answer, but it just makes me depressed how stigmatized we are as a community and I wish I never spent the night with him. I’m sorry for the long rant. Anyone else experience anything similar while dating?
    • By Dumb
      A man I am rather fond of and has shown other flirting behaviours before referred to me as "The lovely (my name)" the other day - im not quite sure exactly what he meant if that makes sense? What do you think could be the deeper meaning behind this? Was he flirting perhaps? 
    • By HisHarleQuinn
      I've not really been on in awhile. So, some things have changed though. 
      I finally stopped accusing my boyfriend of cheating on me. Literally, one day I just told myself I was going to stop. And I did. When I would begin to worry, I would ask myself if he was actually at work late (and if I didn't believe myself, I'd call. If he didn't answer his cell, he was at work. If I needed more assurance. I called his work, which they don't really care if I just ask if he's about to leave.) He's even given me his time cards (they bring them home everyday.) And he made a good point, he goes to work, and comes straight home, everyday. When one of us leaves, we say where we're going. (if we're fighting I sometimes leave without a word.)
      But, in a recent counseling appt. my counselor even pointed out that my old insecurities are filling with new ones. The "not being good enough" one is harping on me like fucking crazy and it's annoying, really. 
      Things have also felt weird because the other day, I almost was done for good. I called my dad to get me, we packed my stuff, and we left. But, I wasn't gonna get to see my boyfriend like normal. My dad told me, it was him or my boyfriend. I chose my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend. Lately though, he's been nagging at me over stupid shit. Like, the air conditioner for example. He wants it on 70 and auto, and I want it on 68 and high. Well, the compromise was 68 and auto, even though it makes him cold sometimes still. We have a window unit in our motel room. I always say, "I don't wanna fight/argue." He doesn't realize when he's nagging/harping on me, sometimes. And the reason because of lack of nicotine needs to stop, IMO. He plans to stop smoking SOON, so yeah. There are times I'll say, "you're nicing (lack of nicotine), and need to calm down." and he normally apologizes and calms down. His insurance has finally kicked in. He's still agreed to get on medication, at least try. He doesn't want to, but he said he would for me. We plan to set him up with my PNP and he's already made an appt. with my counselor (to go alone of course and work on himself.) He likes my counselor, which is understandable, he wants someone he's comfortable with. I'm also not forcing him to see these people, it just happens a lot of them take his insurance. (including my dentist.) But, after me packing up and leaving, then coming back like 15 minutes later things have felt....weird? We went to a counseling appt. that night, we were going to Friday, this happened all this week too no less. 
      With me still forgetting to take my meds, and taking myself off of lamictal ENTIRELY, I'm kind of wonky. I had a bad breakdown the day I tried to leave, when I came home. To the point of suicidal tendency because my dad disowned me....again.
      My anxiety has crept up into my head again, telling me I need to leave my boyfriend. In my heart and my head I know I love him, and I'm pretty sure he loves me. Although, last night was sort of weird? I was laying next to him in bed, getting ready to go to sleep. He pulled up his messenger app and quickly closed out of it when he realized I was watching him, I guess? I asked, "what was that about?" and he says, "I accidentally opened my messenger. Trying to look at my facebook feed." I just said oh. I asked him about it again, and he said the same thing just a little irritated. He then went into his contacts, and I was trying to go to sleep again. I opened my eyes, again. He was looking for someone. I asked who he was looking for, his initial response was "I don't know." so I asked again, and asked why he was in his contacts. He stated he was looking for the contact info of an admin who's on a website he uses, because he forgot his password and wanted to get on there on his phone. I just realized though, like ten minutes ago, he uses that website on this laptop. (we share his computer). His login is saved into the browser, I'm sure. He never remembers passwords to a lot of things, really. We both have our own accounts on the laptop, password protected. I'm just worried he's cheating on me online. When I brought that up, he's like, "who would do that? what's the point?" I said, "well some people end up meeting and stuff...." he just said, "that's still stupid. there's no point." I guess he didn't realize you can talk to someone online who does live in the same city? I don't know. I ask to see his phone, and he hands me it. He'll ask why sometimes, and if I straight up say to go through it, he hands it over. I knew his password to his old phone, the last four of his social. (Which I also know because of gov't. assistance and helping him apply for his insurance.) Granted, he doesn't like me snooping through his things. I don't think he even has a lock on the new phone? We just got new phones Thursday. If I ask who he's talking to, on the phone, or text, or Facebook he usually tells me. If I ask how he knows them, if they have a past, etc. he tells me. My insecurities have crept in telling me I'm not good enough. I compare myself to other girls he thinks are cute. I compare myself to the fact he prefers Latina and Japanse/Asian/Chinese women over white women. (I'm a white female.) I compare myself to the women he watches in porn. I always compare myself. It's weird. I'm comfortable in my skin, with my size, etc. I think I'm about average in the face? My self esteem fluctuates though. Am I being totally unrealistic or do I have reason to worry? Might I also add, once my phone broke I seized the computer to get on my social network accounts. I'm on it more than him, really. When I think about it. If he's up later than me on his phone, I hear him playing games (or watching porn to get off so he can sleep, if I've said I'm not in the mood). Any time I compare myself, or bring myself down, he says, "hey that's the woman I love you're talking about." or that "you're beautiful, more beautiful than any porn star, or girl I think is cute...because I LOVE you. Not them."
       
      I hate the fact that he's pretty much everything I want in a man. His charm. His looks. his personality. All of it. I know though, too that MI relationships tend to take more work. I'm trying to give the nagging thing a chance until he starts therapy and medications. I mean, he did say I really don't wanna take meds but I will for you, if you want us to try it. I appreciate that, a lot. I just feel like an insecure ugly potato.
    • By It's that manic dance
      A little background: I was in a long term relationship with the father of my children for 10 years. He knew about my bipolar and stuck by my side through ups and downs....until I had a severe manic episode with psychosis. 
      I've been single for 3.5 years now and I am kinda avoiding the dating scene because of my bipolar. 
       
      Who dates? How do you approach the subject of having a mental illness? Should I just settle into spinsterhood? 
×
×
  • Create New...