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i have trouble seeking help with professionals, and i'm often berating myself for being too weak and being unable to "deal" with my feelings appropriately.  i did seek help a couple of years back, when i would sleep for 16 hours a day, was anxious all the time and would burst into tears in public frequently (i had zero motivation to work, i'd try but sit at the desk not being productive, and in turn feel anxious etc). she was a little helpful, and suggested that i was possibly 'abused' (i've never used that word to describe myself before) as a child, and that she suspected mild OCPD in me. i've tried to change my lifestyle, insert a little more structure into my life, take a 'less stressful' job. i felt better, and thought all was good -- i stopped seeing her after a while.

recently, there's been some changes in my life again, and i am worried that i might be sinking into a spiral again. everything seems to be gray, and i've gotten used to the feeling of something stuck at the base of my throat all the time. i do not think that i am especially stressed, unhappy or negative. but it's normal right? wanting to walk into the road just to see what will happen, wondering if i would care if the plane i was on would crash. i don't think i am suicidal, not at all, but i wouldn't mind if anything happened to me.

i guess i just wanted to know if there's other people out there who's used to feeling blasé and indifferent about everything; who are accustomed to seeing everything in little puddles of gray, in tears that often fall at inappropriate times; who wouldn't mind dying.

thanks, i didn't think anyone i knew in real life would understand.

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Welcome to CB.

When I feel like you describe, my providers tell me I'm still depressed. Depression can be all-encompassing pain and suicidality, but it can also be anhedonia like you describe (I'm told). Focus on good self-care and doing things that you enjoy/make you happy. Also, for this type of depression, someone in a therapy group I was in swore by gratitude lists. 

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Hi Choco,

I'm certainly used to feeling blase and indifferent, but that's my lithium kicking in. It sounds a lot to me like anxiety-driven depression from what I've experienced. Although, of course, I'm just a patient, not a doctor. I would hope that you'll overcome your reluctance and go see a doctor who can suggest medication and a good therapist.

I've found that the combination of medication and talk therapy is the best treatment for a person suffering from anxiety and depression.

Regardless of what ails you, I feel that finding out one's diagnosis is critical in getting the proper help.

Best of luck,


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5 hours ago, grousemouse said:

I would hope that you'll overcome your reluctance and go see a doctor who can suggest medication and a good therapist.

Agree with grousemouse above........You sound depressed and maybe a little anxious, too.......

IMO, you really do need to see a psychiatrist ASAP, and also a therapist..........I have found, in my own experience, that when people don't want to seek help, that's when they need it the most.

Please keep us updated on how you're doing, and be good to yourself......:)

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Thank you all for the welcome, it's definitely nice to look through the boards and realise that there are many people out there who do understand.

I'll definitely look into getting help, I guess the reluctance stem from how 'taboo' it was in my family. When I was younger, I mentioned it to my parents, and they were overwhelmingly hostile at the idea that they could have played a part in what I'm going through. I guess I've internalised that this is all normal, and part and parcel of stress (in response, I start blaming myself for being incapable of dealing with my emotions/stress)... I just don't know where to start and who to ask for help from.

Thank you guys though :)

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45 minutes ago, runningchocolate said:

 I just don't know where to start and who to ask for help from.

Maybe you could try contacting the same therapist/doc that you were seeing 2 years ago?

Edited by CrazyRedhead
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If seeking help is taboo in your family - don't tell them. Your mental health is your business and it is your life. 

I found my psychiatrist by seeing my general doctor first. And I know how you feel - I had two years of severe depression and anxiety to get to see my GP. Don't wait like I did. 

I found my therapist via my pdoc  

And it's OK if you cry.  I see my psychiatrist, therapist and general doctor regularly and I usually cry every darn time lol  I am just emotional that way.  (I get teary-eyed around those I trust and care about me (as their patient of course).

YOU do need to be the first one to take that step and seek professional help.  Don't wait like I did.  My family didn't "approve," either  However, I was the one living with bipolar disorder and anxiety, so it was my decision to get help and improve the quality of my life.  I sought support elsewhere.  You can do it!

Welcome to the forums!

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