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friendship failing....


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ok so i have this friend who also has MI problems and we've been friends for almost 3 years....and for a few months all that's happened is it's gone down hill.  we don't know how to handle each other.  we both have our own pet peeves.  we just end up ticking each other off and sometimes it's to the point where she won't even speak to me.  just so you know this is an online friendship, i'm way too shy to get irl friends yet.  >_<  she's afraid to open up to anyone and tried to with me but she says some of the things i say make her not want to.  i don't want to hurt her feelings and never intend to, but somehow i do...and visa versa...

is this friendship a lost cause?  i even stopped talking to her about my problems because i would just piss her off talking about myself all the time.  she has it really bad, but because she won't open up i'm not sure how bad.  i want to be her friend but at times i don't because she just makes me so angry.  also note that she is my BEST friend.  she's the person i could tell anything and not feel weird about it.

a friend of mine told me that sometimes you just have to let go.  a friendship of hers just kind of fell out like this before for the same reasons (though there was no MI involved).  but i'm not sure if i could handle that...i mean, loosing my best friend? 

sorry if this is in the wrong place.  i figured 'relationships' could also be friendships as well...

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Hiya Min,

Pulling back for awhile isn't the same as ending it forever. I think friends are supposed to piss you off, there are supposed to be rough spots, you're supposed to feel unsure from time to time.

I don't think it's only either stay in contact but be uncomfortable, or cut off contact all together. What about a short break?

lily

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I dunno Min, kinda seems like you are doing a lot of the work here. You say she has it bad but you don't know how bad since she won't tell you...you have been friends for 3 years so you have a better idea than i do, but still, what about your feelings?

I have someone maybe kinda like this in real life--I'm sorry if I'm misreading or projecting here--who gets upset if things aren't about her all the time. If I've had something bad happen to me, she can usually top it. If I talk about something good that's happened to me, she can't feel any joy about it. She actually said to me once, "so you came over to my house just to tell me that about yourself?"

You say she sometimes gets so mad she won't speak to you. She won't open up to you. She gets mad if you talk about yourself. And if you try to take a break apart, she comes back like she can't live w/o you.

Can you/could you really tell her everything and not feel weird? With my friend, we DID have a few of those conversations, when she wasn't so self-absorbed. But after awhile, I realized that she really only wanted to talk about herself, or act up and make me try to placate her, or figure out why. So I gently pulled myself out of the relationship.

If I'm grossly misreading your friend or the situation, I'm sorry. But there are all kinds of colors on the MI rainbow, and perhaps her brand of MI is just making it hard for her to be kind to you.

I'm going on a business trip for a couple days, but will check on ya when I get back. Hope you can work thru this Min.

lily

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My best friend and I have been "together" for 8 years. We met in college. He has Asperger's and I'm BP1, so sometimes all we have is physical love. We're not lovers, but good friends. We can hold each other and give small kisses and cry, and even sleep in the same bed and are not lovers. I think it is different for us because sometimes we "enjoy the silence" and there is nothing to say, only love to feel.

Maybe you can visit each other and try to do this? Or maybe tell her that you love her (if you do) and encourage her and tell her you'll be there for her, and that this garbage is just garbage and will end?

Sometimes relationships do end. But I think we can commit more and love more. My friend and I have lived together and survived it!!! lol

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I dunno Min, kinda seems like you are doing a lot of the work here. You say she has it bad but you don't know how bad since she won't tell you...you have been friends for 3 years so you have a better idea than i do, but still, what about your feelings?

I have someone maybe kinda like this in real life--I'm sorry if I'm misreading or projecting here--who gets upset if things aren't about her all the time. If I've had something bad happen to me, she can usually top it. If I talk about something good that's happened to me, she can't feel any joy about it. She actually said to me once, "so you came over to my house just to tell me that about yourself?"

You say she sometimes gets so mad she won't speak to you. She won't open up to you. She gets mad if you talk about yourself. And if you try to take a break apart, she comes back like she can't live w/o you.

Can you/could you really tell her everything and not feel weird? With my friend, we DID have a few of those conversations, when she wasn't so self-absorbed. But after awhile, I realized that she really only wanted to talk about herself, or act up and make me try to placate her, or figure out why. So I gently pulled myself out of the relationship.

If I'm grossly misreading your friend or the situation, I'm sorry. But there are all kinds of colors on the MI rainbow, and perhaps her brand of MI is just making it hard for her to be kind to you.

I'm going on a business trip for a couple days, but will check on ya when I get back. Hope you can work thru this Min.

lily

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

the 'being all about me' thing was an issue of the past.  i've corrected that.  she wouldn't confront me about it until it got really bad because she felt she didn't trust me to do so.  so yes i'm really confused.  she won't tell me if i'm doing things wrong or upsetting her.

but you're right about the MI.  she has a large issue with trust and opening up.  she has BP and PTSD (and is a very angry person IRL she tells me..) and i really would like it if she would try to talk about her problems, not bottle them up inside and blow up, like she's done before.

thank you for your help.  i wasn't sure many people would have this problem.  i'm actually glad they don't.

@ loon

i've told her i've loved her so many times.  i trust her WITH ALL MY HEART.  she's just so hard to deal with.  i REALLY don't know how to handle this.  she's such a strange person and i never know what to say in fear of hurting her feelings and i'm sure it's the same way on her side of the end, though i get the feeling she's sort of given up on that and is just saying what she wants to now.

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min, with the distance being a factor, and probably some fear on her part, if it helps at all tell her about me and Matt, who have managed to love each other and even live together for awhile despite his Aspie and my psycho natures. It is the physical love in our case that spoke to us when we were just out of words. do you have a webcam? maybe that could help bridge the gap. i think it is all communication. sometimes there is only so much our words can say...

maybe i mis-read your situation and if so, i'm totally sorry. but matt and i don't want you to give up!

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heh no i don't think that'd work.  i'd never get on a webcam anyways, too shy o_o

but we are doing better.  i think it has a lot to do with her moods.  when she's in a bad one, i need to either see what's wrong if she'll let me or just back off.  today she's been in a good one and we've been talking.

i did a tarot card reading today because the box was literally shaking so i was like, hmm, maybe that means i should do a reading and you know what it said?  that our friendship may get better.  i think it will.

thank you guys for your support!  i love this board and everyone on it ;)

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well i guess i was wrong.

i was talking to her just a few minutes ago and she was like 'you know, i said you could come to me for stuff' and then refuses to read my live journal because i had talked about her on it a few times.

what?  i stopped talking about her.

she told me to never IM her again and i feel somewhat relieved.  but let's see if she comes back again.

edit:  since not talking to me it has made her immensely happy, while i have just gotten worse.  if she cared, don't you think she would have tried harder to help?

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