This is just so damn ironic

[Shinkei]

Okay, I seem to have this obsession with having some disease. I've had it for a while, like for example, going through puberty, and my boos started to grow, I was paranoid that was cancer! But lately, it's gotten worse, and more onto mental/neurological ones. Sometimes I do things to prove I don't have them, and usually, there's a reason why I think that way, mostly because someone made a comment.

The first one, I guess, is an eating disorder. I'm quiet thinish, and people used to tease me in highschool that I would go throw my lunch up in the toilets, because I could eat quiet a lot. Then, I'd eat lots, to prove I am not anorexic.

I'm paranoid of having bipolar. My dad has it. I have already been diagnosed with a depressive episode, so I'm paranoid about manic ones. It's bad, because since this one started, I havn't really let myself be happy, for fear it might be a manic episode. I was always a little nervous about getting bipolar, but September last year, I cut a neuron into my leg, which made a friend at mum's work suggest that I may be bipolar, when mum confided in her.

Same sort of thing with ADHD, a friend suggested that when I was telling her about the bipolar. Then wonderful. AT uni, in a neuropsychology tutorial, the tutor, who was a neuropsychologist showed us some of her tests, and we did some as a class. One was for ADHD, and it was the test where there is a colour written, but it is coloured in another colour, and you have to read the word, not say the colour. For example, the word green is in red print, and you have to say green, not red. In it, I was calling out the answers loudly, thinkking I was quiet good, when I got one wrong, and everyone heard it and laughed. I thought 'geee, I must be really ADHD, and that's why they laughed because I must really act like it'

Now several of these events make me paranoid of having OCD! A couple of weeks ago, I told a customer at work (I'm a checkout chick) that I had been diagnosed with depression. Her daughter suffered from a more severe condition, and told me about it often, because both of us (the mother) study psych. She then asked if I had OCD, which I was like "huh?". I thought I must really act like it for her to ask. But then she said her daughter had it too, and that's why she asked. But, she also mentioned she thought that because I seemed like a perfectionist with school work. Like with trying tog et top grades. But that was only because I really really wanted to do behavioural neuroscience, and I needed a pretty high enter for it (like a GPA for you other country people ).

Today, I did a quiz thingo on OCD, which made me think, because I assosicated OCD with being preoccupied with cleaning, and things like that. A whole bunch of things I don't do. But then there were questions like this "Have you worried about acting on an unwanted and senseless urge or impulse, such as physically harming a loved one, pushing a stranger in front of a bus, steering your car into oncoming traffic; inappropriate sexual contact; or poisoning dinner guests?". I'm always worrying about hurting or offending someone. Like a lot of the time, I don't make posts here, because I think I might offend someone with it, trigger them or soemthing. For example, on this post, I think someone will yell at me for making my post too long, someone else will get upset with me for being paranoid about getting a disease they have (eg, I have adhd, so get over it!) Then someone will lecture me on the use of the word 'paranoid', so I should change it to worried.

I seem to think of negative things people will reply with. Like someone might reply "Oh, well if you're so paranoid about it, than why did you post it?" and I reply with "well, because today, care factor is low, and sorry I don't care as much about it now". Sometimes, at other forums, I will go back over what I wrote to take out offending words. This doesn't apply to only forums, mind you! Sometimes I am scared to open my mouth, for fear I might start an argument. People say "you can't please everyone" and I know that. But that's not what my brain thinks like.

Then, someone made a post, saying they think of sick things, like chopping their legs off in yoga. It was posted in the NOS section. I was going to say that, yes all the time. In the depression forum, I said that I thought about suicide A LOT but I didn't want to die. I look at things, and think of ways to die using that object. Like at work, I think of roasting myself alive on the chicket spit oven, or slowly slicing my face of on the meat slicer. The biggest thought, I guess, is throwing myself onto the train tracks just as a train is comming. I am so scared that I'd lose control for a few seconds and do it. I get as far away from the platform as possible, sometimes I cling to the fence. I am so scared I will kill myself, and just as I'm about to die, regret it. Anyway, that question was moved here, to the OCD section, where I am posting now...

And, sorry in advance if anyone's offended or goes to kill themselves because of what I wrote (Joke, joke, I like to make fun of myself)

[Lily]

Hi Shinkei!

Welcome to CB! I haven't seen you around before, but your name jumped out at me. Perhaps shinkei-shitsu is more apt? (g)

Ack! I have ADD too, so I couldn't quite go through your entire post without jumping around, but it seems to me you are highly suggestible, no? So the more tests you take, the more 'things' you may spot.

But you already knew that, I'm sure!

I wonder if worrying and thinking as you do could ALL be summed up into one tidy disorder! Not sure what it would be, but let's say OCD. What if every time you suspected something, you just chalked it up to the OCD, and thought no more about it?

It seems to me that the more I think about/obsess/worry about something, the more real/serious it becomes. Like today I felt the chilly fingers of a panic attack reaching for me. But then I remembered the Ritalin (I was up to 90mg, then quit, and am now on--ding ding!--round two, so my tolerance is way down), so I told myself, meh, it's just the Ritalin. It'll go away.

And it did. I'm not suggesting your symptoms are not real, but maybe you could look at them differently, to take some of the pressure off.

And this post is too long. I'll understand if you can't get thru it!

lily

[chUCKIT]

welcome to the boards Shinkei,

hope you don't mind my sharing a few thoughts after reading your #1 post

pretty typical when students (med) start learning about diseases to feel the symptoms

If you are worried about MI in general, do you see a therapist or pdoc?

My feelings are, as humans we all feel, to a certain extent many of the 1,2,3 cha-cha-cha symptoms of ADD, OCD, BP, etc

remember these are just my feelings

but when the symptoms *worrying* *inability to concentrate* *manic sex that you seek out/spending/whatever* when a symptom of a MI takes over your life

that's when you get a dx

ok over and out

hope you don't mind me spilling my thoughts on your thread

http://www.shreveporttimes.com/apps/pbcs.d...345/1004/LIVING

If somebody thinks he's sick, he can actually think himself into being sick," ... "An illness can be just as real to you as if it were documented on a CAT scan."

...hypochondria .. is a psychological illness that ..plagued Adolf Hitler, Charles Darwin and Hans Christian Andersen. However, it's quite possible to think yourself sick without being a real hypochondriac. Medical students do it all the time.

A 1999 article in student BMJ (British Medical Journal) estimated up to 80 percent of future doctors at some point imagine they are afflicted by diseases they study

[chimpmaster]

There is hypochondria, which is generally fear of falling ill with a/many diseases, but this can also be a clear cut feature of both the obsessive mind and of full blown ocd too.

Because clinical obsessions involve doubt and threat, the obsessive mind doubts the person's health or even reality and introduces a threat, perhaps an illness.

For example, I was convinced that I had syphilis for ages, even though I had none of the symptoms nor had participated in any unsafe or promiscuous activity.

My psychologist explained to me that this is a common feature of OCD, which can manifest itself into so many forms.  Sometimes it is more dangerous to feed the obsession than to stand against it too - ie I was warned not to go for an STD test if I had no symptoms and no real chance of having contracted anything, as I would just be feeding my obsession and letting it take over my life.

Having thoughts like these in isolation doesnt mean you have OCD, as most people get them from time to time.  A good example is cyberchondria, where people read about illnesses on the net and then become conviced that they might have them, especially has most illnesses have broad and common symptoms listed.

[tallulah]

thats an interesting theory, chimp.

i always thought it would be the opposite - to actually GO and get tested to put your mind at ease.  i have horrible thoughts that i have HIV, even though there really is no real chance of it being 'real'. 

i was tested when i was younger (20) and i was fine, but i think because it scares me SO MUCH my whole life revolves around this i wont talk to my doc about it.

i cant even explain the thoughts that go through my head - to the point of screaming and ripping my hair out.

ive been dx a hypo for other problems, but my doc has NO IDEA about how big this is...could you imagine?

im sorry for the threadjack.

[Shinkei]

Thanks for the replies, guys

Lily:

Thanks! I wouldn't blame you for not being able to read it, whether you had ADD or not I'm always in the habbit of blabbing on for ages on forums.

Man, that would be even more ironic if I was trying to 'tidy up' my personality into one little disorder. For some reason I believe that I can't have a miltiple DX. It's one or none. Even though, logically, I understand that the brain and personality is helluva complicated.

Gee, the power of thinking. Now I need to find the cause. But I'm just going to think "gee, I'm just being paranoid/hypercondraic again" which lowers my self esteem, and I start to think of how stupid I am for wasting everybodies time!

chUCKIT:

Thanks Yes, I've heard that very well. I think the statistic going around at uni is 3% of meds students get that. There is even the story that some med students go to hospital with bad lymph nodes because they've been feeling it so much, convinced that they're sick.

And yes, the ones that worry me the most are either ones that I don't know are happening to me, or are already normal, but the illness makes it worse. Like bipolar - having a manic episode. I can say I havn't had a manic episode quiet surely, because 'it' hasn't caused problems. But then I go and read this hypomania, and things like that do happen, but I'm sure they happen to non bipolar people. And OCD, I'm pretty sure people can have obsessions and compulssions, because friends say things like they had an urge to do something like touch the letter box in the middle of the night. but the difference, I guess, is that that's once, not all the time

Oh, and yes, I'm seeing a psychiartist. In fact, I have an appointment tomorow Last appointment I mentioned this, only omitting bipolar, since that's the one I fear having the most. (well, cyclothymia). And it does worry me, since I feel like I can't be happy. (heh, atleast I don't have to worry about manic sex, I'm asexual ). And not OCD, since that thought only occured to me when I wrote the post. I hate wasting so much time thinking of it, and when someone stares at me, I think they're diagnosing me. I complain about it to friends/coworkers, which can be bad, because it could make the staring person look bad if they're not.

chimpmaster

Because clinical obsessions involve doubt and threat, the obsessive mind doubts the person's health or even reality and introduces a threat, perhaps an illness.

This is exactly what I'm afraid of doing, making things worse. For example, I started cutting after I got that depression diagnosis. I think that might be because I read that depressed people cut themselves, and then I thought "I'm depressed, why not". I don't actually think that when I'm doing it, but when thinking of the reasons why. I don't really know why I do that, appart from just thinking about it lots at night, and then giving up, so my brain can shut up. I'm also afraid of 'acting' out symptoms that I don't have to my psychiatrist, which gives me the wrong diagnosis of something. Like if it was ADD, I won't pay attention to people, even though I could. But I don't because I think I can't, if that makes sense.

I'm also worried about cybercondria big time. (well, not exactly cybercondria, since this started before I had internet access, but back then I had microsoft encarta access and book access! So, infocondria?) I mean, I've had this interest in neuroscience for ages. I'm also scared as hell that liking neuroscience so much is a disease, like say, monomania. Then they 'cure' it, and life becomes shit, because nothing's interesting anymore like that. And I think I'm wasting people's time with it. I'm afraid if it is cybercondria, or something like that, I'll get taken out of behavioural neuroscience, and be banned from reading anything about neuroscience! Eeep!

[Shinkei]

thats an interesting theory, chimp.

i always thought it would be the opposite - to actually GO and get tested to put your mind at ease.  i have horrible thoughts that i have HIV, even though there really is no real chance of it being 'real'. 

i was tested when i was younger (20) and i was fine, but i think because it scares me SO MUCH my whole life revolves around this i wont talk to my doc about it.

i cant even explain the thoughts that go through my head - to the point of screaming and ripping my hair out.

ive been dx a hypo for other problems, but my doc has NO IDEA about how big this is...could you imagine?

im sorry for the threadjack.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

That's okay.

It IS interesting. Now that you mention it, yeah. But say, you get tested for HIV, you might be paranoid that they mucked it up, or missed it. Then you keep testing over and over again. Or, go onto something else, like brain cancer. The amount of diseases is almost limitless, and there are some that you can't even diagnose untill you die! Sorry, just trying to imagine what it would be like, and it sucks that your doc doesn't know how nasty it can get. They probably just laugh it off, tell you not to worry, but that doesn't help! I don't want to talk to my doc about bipolar either.

I wonder even if I was dxed with BP, I'd move onto something else. Like brain cancer. Then I'll demand big expensive tests to prove it. Gee.

[chimpmaster]

Yeah I think my point is, if there is some real KNOWN risk you may have contracted an STD, such as unsafe sex practices, unfaithful partners, working in the sex industry, symptoms etc, then by all means get tested.

But if the feeling or thought is due to a clinical obsession, OCD etc, giving into that obsession is unlikely to give you peace of mind.  The perceived threat and doubt will still exist, and how far would one then take it?  Weekly testing?  Daily Testing? 

Certainly in the first instance you have good reason to be tested, but in the second, probably not.  I mean if you have had the same partner for a long time and you are both faithful, or you have had no partners, then there is no real reason to be tested unless you have symptoms or have engaged in risky business.

This was my therapists opinion and I agree with him - giving in to that obsession will definitely make it worse for me at least.  But I have full blown OCD, of course.

[ncc1701]

It IS interesting. Now that you mention it, yeah. But say, you get tested for HIV, you might be paranoid that they mucked it up, or missed it. Then you keep testing over and over again. Or, go onto something else, like brain cancer. The amount of diseases is almost limitless, and there are some that you can't even diagnose untill you die! Sorry, just trying to imagine what it would be like, and it sucks that your doc doesn't know how nasty it can get. They probably just laugh it off, tell you not to worry, but that doesn't help! I don't want to talk to my doc about bipolar either.

I wonder even if I was dxed with BP, I'd move onto something else. Like brain cancer. Then I'll demand big expensive tests to prove it. Gee.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Heya Shinkei,

I would think even more than 3% of med students, especially during psych and neuro.

In neuro, all the women thought we had MS.

In psych, everyone thought we -- and each other, and everyone in our families, and strangers at the store --  had whatever the DSM-Of-The-Day was.

People in general I think are very suggestible.

Someone around here (sorry folks, I forget *who*) said once that the DSM is like reading horoscopes in the paper, you can always find something to apply to you.

And, in OCD, or other anxiety disorders, this tendency can be even more powerful.

At any rate.

I have *seen* these folks come in for HIV tests.  And they get the pretest counselling.  And the posttest counselling.  And they are *not* reassured by a negative result, and they obsess over it, and they keep going around getting tested, and they get sick and lose weight, which convinces them they have HIV.  Even when they have *absolutely no identifiable exposure.*

Ditto for MRIs, etc.  There is a subgroup of people who demand multiple tests and are *never* relieved to hear they don't have cancer in their spine, just back pain.

Mostly this fits into boxes in DSM like hypochondriasis, OCD, anxiety NOS, and a few others I can't think of b/c unlike the psych majors around here, I haven't got a DSM in my head and have to carry the damn Little Book of DSM around everywhere in case it's not depression, bipolar, borderline, or panic attacks.

Certainly worth chatting with your psych about.  To not only rule out/in the dx's you're concerned about, but to explore a bit what's going on that you worry about so many dx's.

And, with your family hx, certainly important to at least give your psych a heads up on why BP in particular sticks in your craw.

--ncc--