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Hey everyone... I haven't posted on a message board in a very long time.... but I just don't have anyone I can talk to about this. 

I am new to cutting. I didn't realize that what I was doing was actually for real cutting. I started scratching my arms with sharp things whenever I am feeling really really depressed. Then I started doing it every time I got really sad, and it seems to make me feel better. I can't explain it with words. My girlfriend saw my arms and called me a "teenage girl" ( I'm 30) and basically made me feel over dramatic and seeking attention. I really don't want attention. 

I'm currently deep into a depression that has lasted about 3 weeks. I go off and on with this, and have been for as long as I can remember. Yesterday I had gotten into an argument with my girlfriend over the phone, basically about how I just mope around all of the time and are never happy. I went in the bathroom at work and self harmed my leg.  I immediately felt better. Not really better, but like I had validation of my internal pain. Like now I can see what I'm feeling inside. Like a real wound makes it visible to me. 

But now I'm terrified that someone will see these... and I'm terrified as to what this means? Has my depression reached a new level? Am I actually just super dramatic and should just be normal? Ugh. I'm not sure what I should do, or how to avoid going down this road. 



Edited by christie
removed description of cutting.
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Im not the best at advice but i can validate most of what youre going through you are not super dramatic you dont need to be "normal" (that term is relative no one knows what it means) and to call you a "teenage girl" is incorrect obviously. Its meant to demean your mental issues and help you push them aside but it doesnt seem like the right way to go about doing so. for now take care of your wounds wear long skirts/pants and avoid sharp objects as much as you can, if you have the patience to scratch you should also file your nails down, and talk to your gf seriously sit her down and tell her whats happening she should understand or at least try

best wishes and good luck!

[Im operating on a lot of assumptions here so feel free to correct me]

Edited by earlgrey
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Chewing fingertips and basically making my hands a bloody mess was an issue for me for most of my life.   My father and sister both (I just learned) have / had that problem.  One of the things about finding the "right" antidepressent for me was that it stopped that.  I didn't connect it at all until Cetkat talked to me about some of the things that the right drug would do other then make your depression better.   I still have depressing things happen.  But I'm not just "depressed" all the time.   Hard to explain.   Its like I recognize it and can even be effected but its not just a day long thing.   And while I'm not perfect my hands are way way better.   I mean its weird to be able to not have to hide my hands because someone will say "What the hell happened?"

I don't know if meds are the answer for you but I hope its something you talk to your doctor about and see if maybe something would help.   *And I need to note it wasn't the first thing or dose that I tried that worked - so if you do give that a try don't give up early.  It took months on one thing, changing dose, changing dose again then changing the drug and dose to find the right thing and it was subtle.  The fingers thing for example was proof.   Going from depression to having depressing things happen sometimes is also a bit subtle but its a hell of a lot better.

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