Need help soon...

[OliverB]

I am having so bad adrenaline rushes from PTSD and then downs my pdoc said something about being manic.

 

HHe said something about lithium. He doesn-t want to try clonidine.... that reduces adreanline.

I want to kill everyone, then the next minute kill myself, then I am just crying and can-t sleep even if I have taken today a total of 6mg klonopin and 4mg xanax,

 

I waas thinking on clonidin, carbamazepine, .... what do you thiink

 

lithhium or carbammazepine

[Teh Gaben]

I took carbamazepine for a little while and it didn't do much for me. Lithium was much more beneficial for the mania, and lamotigine for the depression. The combo has worked pretty well for me over the past few years.

[Iceberg]

I think you might need a hospital 

[OliverB]

Just now, Iceberg said:

I think you might need a hospital 

My pdoc told me to don't go since they ddon't know how o tre a t someone with PTSD a nd a lw a s trigger me a nd m a kes me feel worse.

Just now, The Hitcher said:

I took carbamazepine for a little while and it didn't do much for me. Lithium was much more beneficial for the mania, and lamotigine for the depression. The combo has worked pretty well for me over the past few years.

I a m a fr a id of lithium fucking up my kidneys a nd tiroid

[Iceberg]

Ok but you just said its not all PTSD 

[Teh Gaben]

3 minutes ago, OliverB said:

I a m a fr a id of lithium fucking up my kidneys a nd tiroid

Sure, it's a possibility that it might happen, but incredibly low chances of those side effects. Besides, if you got those symptoms they'd take you off it and try something else, like lamotrigine that I mentioned earlier.

[OliverB]

Just now, The Hitcher said:

Sure, it's a possibility that it might happen, but incredibly low chances of those side effects. Besides, if you got those symptoms they'd take you off it and try something else, like lamotrigine that I mentioned earlier.

I took it a nd didn't work. Myy m a in problem is a git a tion

[Teh Gaben]

Just now, OliverB said:

I took it a nd didn't work. Myy m a in problem is a git a tion

Then I'd give the lithium a whirl. I've been on it for years with no side effects. I know it's not aa given that you won't experience them but it has to be worth a try if it makes you health(ier).

[OliverB]

Just now, The Hitcher said:

Then I'd give the lithium a whirl. I've been on it for years with no side effects. I know it's not aa given that you won't experience them but it has to be worth a try if it makes you health(ier).

Does it st a rt to work quickly or it t a kes time?

I TOOK 5mg more of clonazepam and 2mg of lormetazepam for sleep

 

[Teh Gaben]

Just now, OliverB said:

Does it st a rt to work quickly or it t a kes time?

You have to wait for the levels to build up in your system. Took me a week or two if I remember rightly.

[OliverB]

Just now, The Hitcher said:

You have to wait for the levels to build up in your system. Took me a week or two if I remember rightly.

So will I be a week or two like this? I am gonna die first ... I cant stand it

[Iceberg]

Is nobody alarmed by these benzo doses? 

[OliverB]

Just now, Iceberg said:

Is nobody alarmed by these benzo doses? 

Let see

 

During the day:

6mg klonopin

4mg xanax

When trying to sleep:

2mg lormetazepam

Some minutes ago, here it is 12:35 am:

5mg Klonooin and 2mg xanax and 2mg lormetazepam and melatonin

 

So today

11mg klonoin, 6mg xanax and 4 lormetazepam

 

It is high but not that dangerous

I am still racing.

 

...

I will try to sleep.

[Teh Gaben]

7 minutes ago, OliverB said:

So will I be a week or two like this? I am gonna die first ... I cant stand it

There's no way around getting it to start earlier I'm afraid. It's not effective until until your blood level is up to the required dose. Jeezus you are taking a lot of benzos, I take it you're self-medicating and this is not prescribed?

 

[melissaw72]

I'm sorry you aren't doing well right now.  I'm not in a mixed episode, but I can empathize with the agitation and how hard it is to deal with without "jumping out of your skin."  I have had so much agitation and irritability in me lately that pdoc increased my klonopin dose today. 

I really hope you can find a med to help.  I understand your concerns about lithium.  I've taken carbamazepine before but IIRC it didn't help much with my mood.  I was taking it for seizure activity at the time, and it did help that though.

Have you taken the klonopin with food in your stomach?  I remember when I was on the pill form you swallow (now on the disintegrating pill) it didn't work well for me unless I had eaten food before taking it.  I felt like it worked faster for me with the food in me first.

[Iceberg]

It means you need real, immediate treatment. Those benzos are masking real serous issues. No doc would ever prescribe that much 

[melissaw72]

1 minute ago, Iceberg said:

It means you need real, immediate treatment. Those benzos are masking real serous issues. No doc would ever prescribe that much 

I think you need immediate treatment too ... if you went to the hospital, does your pdoc work alongside the pdocs there? 

 

36 minutes ago, OliverB said:

My pdoc told me to don't go since they ddon't know how o tre a t someone with PTSD a nd a lw a s trigger me a nd m a kes me feel worse.

If your pdoc told you not to go to the hospital, how does he plan on helping you on an out-patient basis?

[mcjimjam]

Lithium is generally tried first, at least where I live. It has the most evidence saying it works, of any BP med. I don't have any side effects. It is a powerful med but never made me feel dulled or numb the way some meds can. I highly recommend it. I haven't tried carbamazepine. 

Hospitalisation could be a lot of help if you are wildly unstable and at risk of suicide or not taking care of yourself. They do treat PTSD, but even if they didn't, bipolar disorder is one of the main conditions treated there. 

Edited May 5, 2017 by mcjimjam

[rainyday107]

I'd go to the hospital now and they can stabilize you on new meds there, get you calm, safe environment, etc. Take care. 

[OliverB]

Just now, rainyday107 said:

I'd go to the hospital now and they can stabilize you on new meds there, get you calm, safe environment, etc. Take care. 

They are not safe and make me more unstable by trigger my PTSD. The environment is threatening for me... That is why my pdoc told me to don't go unless he sends me there. My ex pdoc who worked there and I saw him outpatient and a couple of times when I was IP, told me he wants me far from the hospital since the environment wouldd make me sicker. They considered it so seriously when I was IP they sent me to the unit for minors, people up to 17 years old an generallly also 18 even if I was 19 because I was non aggressive, calm, ... and I needed an environment like that, calm and we a lot of attention. There were 3 rrooms with  6 beds, and we were 3 people in total, 16years old and 13years old, then someone who was 17 years old joined us. People from 16 to 18 who are aggressive or cause troubles are sent to the adult uniit.

In the adult unit there are a lot of people who go there because they did a lot of drugs on Friday or Thursday -They college party day here- and they had a bad trip, so they are holded the hole week.

Nurses barely talk to you. Half of doctors are paternarlist and threaten you at the minimal thing you want to discuss because you have another point of view, this triggers me a lot and put me in fight mode (a year ago I tend to freeze or hide), which cause them to be more aggresive and therefore me being more. I was IP twice when I had a mixed episode weeks ago. I think it never ended but when I was put on pregabalin in the beginning it caused me so much dissociative effects I felt good and it maskered the mixed episode. While IP the first time they didn't believe I was in danger, thought I had a personality disorder and discharged me in 12h. Second time I tried to explain them I have PTSD and all the things but the doctor threaten me anyway, I got into fighting mode, confronted him, it got worse, and after he left I asked another pdoc to be voluntary released. My pdoc was on vacation by then.

I have the Compex PTSD problem

a dissociative problem

mood problems

psychotic problems

but not personality or behavioural.

When I get into fight/flight/freeze mode, if I am dissociated enough I might forget what I do and stop controlling my body, it something DID-like, thats why I have DDNOS.

Being triggered into fight more makes mania an mixed episode worse

Being triggered into flight mode makes depression worse.

Being triggered into freeze mode makes psychosis worse.

Just now, mcjimjam said:

Lithium is generally tried first, at least where I live. It has the most evidence saying it works, of any BP med. I don't have any side effects. It is a powerful med but never made me feel dulled or numb the way some meds can. I highly recommend it. I haven't tried carbamazepine. 

Hospitalisation could be a lot of help if you are wildly unstable and at risk of suicide or not taking care of yourself. They do treat PTSD, but even if they didn't, bipolar disorder is one of the main conditions treated there. 

Thank you for the input. The problem is the dysphoric mania is thought to be caused by adrenaline rush and then downs, with a PTSD background. That's why I wanted clonidine, an anti-adrenergic drug to stop the cycle. It looked like ultraradian cycle of mania and depression until it was added pregabalin that killed the depression (sadnes), but between the dysphoric mania I have suicidal urges because of agitation even if I actually am not sad. My pdoc thinks there are causes mainly caused by environment, mainly by biology and an equal mix. But he said I looked manic two days ago and let me go with clonazepam and pregabalin. It is a "pseudo bipolar disorder" if you believe it only can be organic, but the symptoms I was having are the same. Now I have taken so much clonazepam my head is dizzy and I don't feel agitated and probably won't for few hours, but then again...

Just now, melissaw72 said:

I think you need immediate treatment too ... if you went to the hospital, does your pdoc work alongside the pdocs there? 

 

If your pdoc told you not to go to the hospital, how does he plan on helping you on an out-patient basis?

They talk but mostly doctors form the hospital do what they want. They usually think I have a personality disorder while my pdoc has told them and told me a TON of time I don't. The problem is I was so abused when I expressed any feeling that now I tend to freeze when I am so agitated I can't stop myself. So in the end they see someone who claims to be unwell but does nothing.

My pdoc works in a day hospital.

Just now, Iceberg said:

It means you need real, immediate treatment. Those benzos are masking real serous issues. No doc would ever prescribe that much 

I know. I know the dosage I am taking it is for serous seiz..ures that don't stop. But the maximum it is 20mg, so until that I am safe. It is masking the agitation but it was 12:00 am I have nobody and I was out of control. I will talk with my pdoc today

Just now, melissaw72 said:

I'm sorry you aren't doing well right now.  I'm not in a mixed episode, but I can empathize with the agitation and how hard it is to deal with without "jumping out of your skin."  I have had so much agitation and irritability in me lately that pdoc increased my klonopin dose today. 

I really hope you can find a med to help.  I understand your concerns about lithium.  I've taken carbamazepine before but IIRC it didn't help much with my mood.  I was taking it for seizure activity at the time, and it did help that though.

Have you taken the klonopin with food in your stomach?  I remember when I was on the pill form you swallow (now on the disintegrating pill) it didn't work well for me unless I had eaten food before taking it.  I felt like it worked faster for me with the food in me first.

I don¡'t remember if I ate before taking them, I don't remember if I did it at all yesteerda....

It seems lithium tend to works better, I will ask for it

Just now, The Hitcher said:

There's no way around getting it to start earlier I'm afraid. It's not effective until until your blood level is up to the required dose. Jeezus you are taking a lot of benzos, I take it you're self-medicating and this is not prescribed?

 

They are prescribed, 0.5mg if I have a crisis up to 4 times a day.... 2mg being the maxium

Edited May 5, 2017 by OliverB

[melissaw72]

1 hour ago, OliverB said:

My pdoc works in a day hospital.

Are you going to be admitted to the OP clinic?

I hope your pdoc appt goes well today.

[OliverB]

Just now, melissaw72 said:

Are you going to be admitted to the OP clinic?

I hope your pdoc appt goes well today.

I am already in the OP clinic. I spent the morning there. It is 1:00pm here. I see pdoc after 2:00pm.

 

Thank you

 

I woke up better because I was sedated, now I am getting agitated again

[melissaw72]

1 hour ago, OliverB said:

I woke up better because I was sedated, now I am getting agitated again

I'm sorry if I missed this, but do you spread out the klonopin and other sedating meds throughout the day, kind of like a baseline? ... so the agitation doesn't happen/as much/so strongly?

I find that for me if I don't spread the klonopin out through the day, what you explain happens to me sometimes.  BTDT awhile ago (years ago) and when I finally did spread the klonopin out, I did much better, using the other benzo (xanax) as a breakthrough med (which I hardly need because the klonopin is now spread out).

[OliverB]

31 minutes ago, melissaw72 said:

I'm sorry if I missed this, but do you spread out the klonopin and other sedating meds throughout the day, kind of like a baseline? ... so the agitation doesn't happen/as much/so strongly?

I find that for me if I don't spread the klonopin out through the day, what you explain happens to me sometimes.  BTDT awhile ago (years ago) and when I finally did spread the klonopin out, I did much better, using the other benzo (xanax) as a breakthrough med (which I hardly need because the klonopin is now spread out).

My klonopin is PRN. I take as baseline pregabalin and works for anxiety but not for mood agitation and ups/down. This shit looks like ultradian cycles.

I tried klonpin during the day, spreaded, but caused me severe ataxia and wasn't that good if taken everyday for anxiety.

 

Now I just saw my pdoc, he gave me trazodone and I have to wait 15 minutes in the day hospital to check if it works.

[melissaw72]

12 minutes ago, OliverB said:

Now I just saw my pdoc, he gave me trazodone and I have to wait 15 minutes in the day hospital to check if it works.

I hope the med works for you!

[OliverB]

The trazadone just made me sleepy and clumsy.

 

I am still agitated, I told him. I was crying. He told me to take 200mg at night and 50mg twice a day.

 

He said he doesn't  have any other  alternative

[CrazyRedhead]

1 hour ago, OliverB said:

 

deleted.....sorry, a mistake

Edited May 5, 2017 by CrazyRedhead

[OliverB]

I don't get it, this is for sleeping, I feel agitated and drowsy.

 I felt worse  than before taking it

[CrazyRedhead]

20 minutes ago, OliverB said:

He said he doesn't  have any other  alternative

 Like this

 

@OliverB   Are there any other pdocs at the OP clinic who could give a second opinion?

Edited May 5, 2017 by CrazyRedhead

[OliverB]

Just now, CrazyRedhead said:

 

@OliverB   Are there any other pdocs at the OP clinic who could give a second opinion?

No, they aren't.

 

I can't go to ER since a ER psychiatrist wrote down I had a personality disorder and that's it. They never take me seriously since then.

 

My pdoc says I don't hhave a PD.

He is good, I know.

 

I am just fucked agitated

He didn't gave me lithium, valporate or carbamazepina because today is friday, the day hospital is closed on weekends and if I had a problem I would need to go ER, which as I said they don't take me seriously. I am having this mixed episode since more or less a month. Was IP twice for a day even if I was having this because they thought I had a personality disorder. My pdoc directly told me to don't go because they do more harm than good.

Probably on Tuesday I see him again he would add something, but I am jus so fucked up I don't give a shit about side effects and I would tolerate it through weekend without going to ER and wait to see my pdoc again if he gave me any mood stabilizer.

 

He is acting coherently. I am fucked up.

and yeah, there is only one psych ward here. so I can't go to another hospital.

My pdoc said he knows I have enough self control to don't harm myself even if I am suffering. When he was explaining how to take Trazaddone and why I told him to shut up and print the paper where it is writen down what, how and when to take it. I couldn't handle hearing anyone. I feel bad for telling him that, but he looked more worried than angry.

[OliverB]

Holly shit I don't w a nt to kill myself

Please don't ban me I can't go ER and can't see my doctor until Tuesday.

I was thinking on taking dextromethorphan, the only problem it is it may cause serotoninergic syndrome since I have been given trazodone.....................

But I can't stand this anymore ...................................................................................................................................................................................

Shit, I don't know what to do.

and the hotlines only tell me to call an ambulance, which would take me to the ER my pdoc told me to don't go since they always end up triggering me my CPTSD and release me because they think I have a personality disorder while my pdoc says I don't.

[melissaw72]

6 hours ago, OliverB said:

I don't get it, this is for sleeping, I feel agitated and drowsy.

 I felt worse  than before taking it

Maybe give it more time to get into your system ... you might not feel the full effect yet because you just started it.  The side effects could wear off/become less over time.  Do you feel sedated in the sense that you are on too high of a dose?

[melissaw72]

5 hours ago, OliverB said:

Was IP twice for a day even if I was having this because they thought I had a personality disorder. My pdoc directly told me to don't go because they do more harm than good.

Your pdoc has a problem with the ER and tells you that they do more harm than good ... did he tell you why he thinks that?  Is it because they say you have a PD?

 

[OliverB]

3 minutes ago, melissaw72 said:

Your pdoc has a problem with the ER and tells you that they do more harm than good ... did he tell you why he thinks that?  Is it because they say you have a PD?

 

Because I was worse after going er or IP and they badly messed up with my medication many times. They didn't identify the mixed episode and called me manipulative.

 

Thee dose doesn't seem high, the drowsiness disappeared after gee time

 

I am falling a sleek while writing this, it I'd difficult to write,  I am young to bed

 

Thank you really much fgot carting, I dfony have anyone IRL 

.is

[melissaw72]

6 minutes ago, OliverB said:

Because I was worse after going er or IP and they badly messed up with my medication many times. They didn't identify the mixed episode and called me manipulative.

 

Thee dose doesn't seem high, the drowsiness disappeared after gee time

 

I am falling a sleek while writing this, it I'd difficult to write,  I am young to bed

 

Thank you really much fgot carting, I dfony have anyone IRL 

.is

I hope you sleep well ... hopefully when you wake up you'll feel at least a little better.

[OliverB]

Thank you, I have juysrt wake up. Put my vision bluttied.....

I willing continuous seeping

 

[OliverB]

I am agitated again. I feel happy and want to badly hurt myself because I am happy and it looks fun. At lest I see my pdoctomorrow.

[Teh Gaben]

For fucks sake dude, get yourself to a hospital. I know you don't get on with them because of the PTSD, but you need to be kept safe and that's the only place it's going to happen.

[OliverB]

46 minutes ago, The Hitcher said:

For fucks sake dude, get yourself to a hospital. I know you don't get on with them because of the PTSD, but you need to be kept safe and that's the only place it's going to happen.

I was IP twice for 24h while being agitated, since I don't overtly share my beautiful great thoughts , they released me after saying I was misusing the hospital resources

I see my pdoc tomorrow and I tell him, but lately I wonder if they have microphones and every thig is a fake like in The Truman Show,  this is the day hospital show, nothing is real, I ogo to bed.

[OliverB]

I see my pdoc in 10 minutes.

 

I am agitated as hell, HI, SI, Self harm ideation (badly and not to reduce pain, it just feel fun)

 

I feel horrible

[OliverB]

He gave me depakine long release 300mg twice a day, I told him if it wasn't better to take the ER, inmediat release, since I am acute and the ER version makes you have more valporate in yor blood while the long release make you have the same amount but during 12h. He got angry. I admit I told him that in an angry agitated maybe rude way, but I think he overreacted since he said "It seems everything I say is wrong for you, you are not happy with anything I do, I don't know if this continue like this I will keep you as a patient..." with was wtf since I am normally kind. I answer him back telling him It wasn't about him but about me being generally agitated and irritable, that I am avoiding any social contact because I will ruin my friendships being like this. In the end he seemed to understand but it makes me feel really bad to the point of crying.

... in the biginning he insisted it was anxiety, I don't know what kind of anxiety makes you feel so happy you want to kill others because it seem fun, and then so irritable and agitated inside you want to scream until you have no voice anymore. Ironically when I describe a 'high' a week ago he said the description was a manic state.

Edited May 9, 2017 by OliverB

[melissaw72]

5 hours ago, OliverB said:

He gave me depakine long release 300mg twice a day, I told him if it wasn't better to take the ER, inmediat release, since I am acute and the ER version makes you have more valporate in yor blood while the long release make you have the same amount but during 12h. He got angry. I admit I told him that in an angry agitated maybe rude way, but I think he overreacted since he said "It seems everything I say is wrong for you, you are not happy with anything I do, I don't know if this continue like this I will keep you as a patient..." with was wtf since I am normally kind. I answer him back telling him It wasn't about him but about me being generally agitated and irritable, that I am avoiding any social contact because I will ruin my friendships being like this. In the end he seemed to understand but it makes me feel really bad to the point of crying.

From what you write I'd be pissed and upset if my pdoc said this to me.

[OliverB]

7 minutes ago, melissaw72 said:

From what you write I'd be pissed and upset if my pdoc said this to me.

You know, I think he focused so much on the CPTSD he forgot I have other issues related indirectly with CPTSD that cannot be treated with meds that reduce anxiety like pregabalin and Trazodone. He named mania and valporate last week, but during this session he seemed not convinced by that, and insisted it was anxiety until I told him people from anxiety don't happly think and find fun on severely SH, and are not irritable, agitated, self isolated because you know you are so irritable and agitated you will scream at people... so he acepted to give me the valporated but saying he is not sure that would work.

I think he doesn't want the possibility of me having a major disorder like bipolar, schizophrenia or both. He quit the SZ diagnosis once I was more coherent....and he wannts to explain anything through CPTSD.

If he truly believed It was only anxiety he wouldn't have given me the valporate...

Which has reduced the agitation but I want to wait until it is 0 to directly relate to people.

Edited May 9, 2017 by OliverB

[melissaw72]

5 minutes ago, OliverB said:

but I want to wait until it is 0 to directly relate to people.

(bold) What does this mean?

[OliverB]

5 minutes ago, melissaw72 said:

(bold) What does this mean?

Until my agitation is reduced to 0, until I am not agitated anymore.

 

[OliverB]

also, I think what I did on Friday night that was more or less likely to kill me... didn't like him. Maybe he felt burnt out because I saw him that same day and told him everythin about agitation and so...

[ByePolarCoordinates]

Sorry you are dealing with this. I have complex PTSD and Bipolar I. It can be hard to tell apart a mixed episode due to bipolar from agitated depression due to triggered PTSD. If that particular hospital environment is so triggering for you - I'd encourage you to consider getting admitted to a different hospital if possible. Different hospitals may have a more varied number/type of units that could be more tailored to your needs. For example at one hospital I was admitted on a general floor that group everyone together, including people dealing with acute psychosis. The other hospital had a separate unit for mood and anxiety disorders and a separate one for those dealing with psychosis. The hospital setting was crucial for stabilizing me and keeping me safe during many of my mixed episodes, and I hate to think that this option is completely off the table for you. I hope the new med change helps. BTW - carbamazepine (and sodium valproate) is typically thought to be slightly more effective for mixed states than lithium.