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NykkiLeigh

Was I raped again? (TW)

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I posted this in a Facebook group I'm in, but I wanted input from another source bc I'm not sure of anything anymore qhen it comes to this stuff...
Does trauma (such as rape) cause your brain to respond and react slowly or am I just a dumbass???
My brain like froze when I was raped in 2013 and I didn't even fully understand it until it told my then boyfriend about it.
When I was sexually assaulted last May (the 4th or 5th I believe...I just realized this...) I knew it was bad bc he left bruises and shit and didn't let me get away before I finally just let him do what he was doing. I didn't think of it as sexual assault until, again, I talked through it with my then bf.
But the same guy from May was staying at my apartment (he's my roommates brother, I was mostly okay with it, didn't want drama.) and after my roommate went to bed, he said something about me fucking him. He had been going through a tough time that night, so I told him no, trying to let him down easy so 1. It wouldn't hurt him anymore and 2. I didn't want my roommate hearing bc he'd get pissed (roommate is also an ex). He put my hand on his penis and I hadnt even realized he had taken it out. I grabbed him when he wanted me to and stroked him before my brain went "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" and I pulled away. He grabbed my breast, too hard, just like he kept doing when he bruised me. I said "ow!" I guess too loud bc he shushed me. He said, "come to the bathroom with me." I said no. He got up and grabbed me by the hair and said "come on," and bit my neck. He was trying to turn me on. I didn't want to wake my roommate and cause a big fight so I went into the bathroom to explain more in depth WHY I didn't want to.
I didn't get the chance bc he pushed me down to my knees by my shoulders and put his penis in my mouth. I was shocked by this and pulled back to stand up, but he grabbed me by the hair and forced me back on it. When he finally let go, I turned to walk out of the bathroom and he grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled my pants and underwear down. My brain was obviously slow to her respond bc he grabbed me and thrusted into me (I wasn't aroused, so it hurt as well) and it took me a minute to actually I guess comprehend what the fuck happened and how it got that far. When he let go of my shoulders, I practically ran out of the bathroom, he said "thank you" and I automatically responded "youre welcome" then realized what I said was rediculous. 
He said something about us not able to have sex in the living room and I said "we could in my room." I was numbed out but SERIOUSLY? Am I so used to jut giving myself away to assholes it just comes naturally?
He got on the phone with his ex and I ran to my room and shut the door, hoping he'd take the hint.
A little bit later he opened my door (didn't knock) and laid in my bed. I said "no, i'm tired" still trying to be gentle. He grabbed my breast again and I grabbed his hand and said "we cant. I'm sorry." He left.
The next morning he woke me up by coming in my room again. He laid next to me and I said no bc I just woke up and my roommate was due to wake at any time. I was trying to think of any logical excuse he would accept. He again grabbed my breast and I said "no." He asked if it was bc of him and I said "no its nothing against you." Bc I didn't want to hurt his feelings :/
I am proud of myself for saying no and enforcing it...
I explained KIND OF what happened to my roommate bc he noticed I was depressed. I didn't go into too much detail bc I knew he'd be pissed, which he nost definitely was. He asked if his brother raped me and i said no bc my brain reacted too slow so let it happen. He was mainly pissed i lied to him and he got into a fight with his brother bc of this, but he seems to be over it now.
Why does my brain react so slowly? Why am I so much in the routine of giving my body away?
Why am I so worried about being too stern with people?
I fucking hate myself for this.

The people in the group think it was rape...but it's like the facts say one thing, my brain says another so I'm just confused :(

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I really don't even need to read the entire story to give you an answer, and that's the big deal here.

When you tell someone no, when it comes to sexual activities, and they pressure/force/coerce you into doing the thing you said no to that is rape/assault/taking advantage of you. So yes, you were raped/taken advantage of/assaulted. You need to talk to your roommate, or the cops. This asshole needs to be punished for what he's done. 

I'm a victim of 3x (yes, three times) of sexual assault since age 5 or 4. I don't take this sort of thing lightly, of course as another female too. You need to talk to someone you trust. Rape can cause a form of PTSD. Which can fuck with your mental state. Please do yourself a favor, get away from that guy, and get help.

If your roommate can't understand what happened, then he's also an asshole and is going to a special hell. I don't care what anyone says. Your body is your business, and you have a right to say no. Period.

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Nykki -

You ask multiple questions here, which you condense at the end of your post: Why do your thought processes seem to move slowly in reaction to these situations; Why do you tend to allow others access to your body; and Why are you worried about being stern with people? I would suggest that all of these questions may be related to the way you perceive yourself in the view of other people - that is, the way you approach acceptance and rejection. Now, I don't know you, but persons who may feel uncertain about themselves or may harbor self-doubt, poor self-love, self-acceptance or self-esteem may also find that they tend to address these fears in relationships by becoming overly obliging, generous, agreeable or permissive, even if it isn't what the person actually wants. The negative thought patterns that accompany Major Depressive Disorder can contribute to this, certainly.

There is no question at all that you have been the victim of sexual assault. No means No. From the moment you said No, he should have backed completely away and taken no further action. Everything from that instant onward was a crime.

Whether you choose to take action to report this is a decision for you to make, but Nykki, whether you do or not, please consider this very carefully - Your situation, as you describe it, puts you in a position in which it is very likely that you will face sexual assault by the same person again. You must take steps to protect yourself.

1. The man who raped you in May is living in your apartment. This is very very very not good.
2. The same man has sexually assaulted you again. This means he has twice crossed that threshold, and will no longer feel any barrier to doing so. He he has been able to make you available to him twice; there is no reason for him to believe that he cannot have you again. He has suffered no consequences for doing so, therefore he will.
3. Although you did eventually tell him you couldn't, you were only able to do so after having been violated. You already realize that your thought processes may tend to freeze on concerns about upsetting another person and not function for your own protection. Therefore, you must not trust them - you cannot allow yourself to remain in a vulnerable position.
4. I would advise you to either be completely candid with your roommate about what has taken place and allow him to deal with his brother. Or, report it to the police and let them deal with him. Or if you simply cannot, I would advise you to seek new living arrangements with someone else.

Regardless of what you choose to do, under no circumstances whatever should you touch him in any way or allow him to  touch you in any way. Under no circumstances should you permit him to enter your room or lie down on your bed. Under no circumstances should you allow yourself to be alone in any room with him, or agree to travel alone with him or meet him alone at any location. Do not concern yourself about hurting his feelings for one second. Never forget: He is a rapist, and he will rape you if he can.
 

Please take care. And if he won't listen to No, let your knee deliver a sharp message to his crotch. I promise he'll pay attention to that.

 

Cerberus

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I have no real good advice because it must be really hard for you and I'm not in your brain so I don't know well enough why it is slow to recognize the situation and stop it or attempt to stop it before it is too late but I do want to just say thank you for sharing your story, it must be difficult, you can always come here and talk with us. I am sorry this happened to you, and I hope in the future that it never happens again. be strong and keep saying no. No means no, and that means get the F off of me. :)

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On 5/11/2017 at 0:28 PM, Cerberus said:

Nykki -

You ask multiple questions here, which you condense at the end of your post: Why do your thought processes seem to move slowly in reaction to these situations; Why do you tend to allow others access to your body; and Why are you worried about being stern with people? I would suggest that all of these questions may be related to the way you perceive yourself in the view of other people - that is, the way you approach acceptance and rejection. Now, I don't know you, but persons who may feel uncertain about themselves or may harbor self-doubt, poor self-love, self-acceptance or self-esteem may also find that they tend to address these fears in relationships by becoming overly obliging, generous, agreeable or permissive, even if it isn't what the person actually wants. The negative thought patterns that accompany Major Depressive Disorder can contribute to this, certainly.

There is no question at all that you have been the victim of sexual assault. No means No. From the moment you said No, he should have backed completely away and taken no further action. Everything from that instant onward was a crime.

Whether you choose to take action to report this is a decision for you to make, but Nykki, whether you do or not, please consider this very carefully - Your situation, as you describe it, puts you in a position in which it is very likely that you will face sexual assault by the same person again. You must take steps to protect yourself.

1. The man who raped you in May is living in your apartment. This is very very very not good.
2. The same man has sexually assaulted you again. This means he has twice crossed that threshold, and will no longer feel any barrier to doing so. He he has been able to make you available to him twice; there is no reason for him to believe that he cannot have you again. He has suffered no consequences for doing so, therefore he will.
3. Although you did eventually tell him you couldn't, you were only able to do so after having been violated. You already realize that your thought processes may tend to freeze on concerns about upsetting another person and not function for your own protection. Therefore, you must not trust them - you cannot allow yourself to remain in a vulnerable position.
4. I would advise you to either be completely candid with your roommate about what has taken place and allow him to deal with his brother. Or, report it to the police and let them deal with him. Or if you simply cannot, I would advise you to seek new living arrangements with someone else.

Regardless of what you choose to do, under no circumstances whatever should you touch him in any way or allow him to  touch you in any way. Under no circumstances should you permit him to enter your room or lie down on your bed. Under no circumstances should you allow yourself to be alone in any room with him, or agree to travel alone with him or meet him alone at any location. Do not concern yourself about hurting his feelings for one second. Never forget: He is a rapist, and he will rape you if he can.
 

Please take care. And if he won't listen to No, let your knee deliver a sharp message to his crotch. I promise he'll pay attention to that.

 

Cerberus

Luckily he only stayed that one night and he more than likely won't be coming back for a long, long while bc my roommate and him got into a fight about him "trying to sleep with me." So no worries there.

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Yes, that was definitely rape. He knew you didn't want to so he used a level of force that caused you pain. You getting confused and saying a couple of things that didn't quite make sense had nothing to do with why this happened - it wasn't your fault. You did NOT let it happen - you clearly said no a load of times and physically resisted. He knew you didn't want it and he decided to do it anyway.

Trauma does slow down or scramble your thinking. It sounds like you dissociated, so your body went onto a sort of autopilot. You can be walking and talking but something about it isn't quite right. Your higher thinking gets totally switched off but you can still do basic thinking and answer simple questions - that's why you said you could do it in your room, even though you didn't want to do it at all.

I used to get this a lot during sex, after all the bad stuff he did to me. My body would keep responding sexually even though my mind had completely floated away, and if you asked me any questions while I was in that state I could only answer "I don't know". Also the feeling of shame and not feeling able to tell anyone, and of not being sure if it 'counted' as sexual assault are dead giveaways of trauma.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please tell someone in real life about it, or you may be at risk of it happening again.

Please don't risk being alone with him again out of shame.

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When I was younger, I had similar scenarios of mind being sort of frozen in these circumstances. I didn't understand it but I figured it made things my fault. I hope you don't feel that way. But in time I figured out their feelings don't need to be protected and it's not all on me. That's good to realize. Also, I realize you're probably in a rental, but you can buy small hardware devices to lock your door from the inside. They don't require installation, mine fit in the doorjamb at the latch. A lock can help and give you some security and confidence in your room, if he ever comes around. Good to have anyway.  Past assault does affect you but it's not your fault. 

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