I swore up and down...

[gballsout]

that I would never miss work due to depression again!!

I've been a member of this board since summer when i became disabled b/c of ultra-rapid cycling.  I've always had severe depression and it went untreated b/c my 'rents decided it was my fault and I could do something about it if I wanted and I was just wasting my life, talent, etc.  They were completely unhelpful during the last summer, in fact, contributing to the worsening of it.

What's my point?  Oh, yeah, the doc and I found a med cocktail that works and though I was prepared for a bleed-thru, I promised myself that if it got bad, I could rise above it and not lose a moment's time..  Well, this has been just the shittiest week and I feel like a 40 lb cement block is on my chest and the vaccuum in my chest is threatening to collapse my organs and I struggled all week.  Finally Friday, I took a shower and sat down and knew that was all I could do.  so I called in sick.

I hate losing time to this.  Why can't I just rise above it?  Why can't it just be mind over matter? 

Oh, I know intelluctually why.  I just needed to vent. 

[Jenni]

I hope you're feeling a little better now.  It's so easy to forget how bad things can be when we're on our medications and doing well, isn't it.  Give yourself a break.  If you had lupus and had a bad day and had to call in, you might hate that you had to, but you wouldn't be giving yourself a hard time over it. 

[gballsout]

thanks.  i am somewhat better today, i just needed some backup for my feelings.

give myself a break.  i can't tell you how many times my therapist has said that and how many times i've said that to others.  And yet, I still needed to hear it.  

[daemongrrl]

I, too, hate having to miss work if I'm in a funk. My gf largely prohibits it. But there are days when you're not doing any good there, and it'll only be detrimental. The trick is to know when those days are when you simply cannot go versus those days when you would rather not. Missing a day every so often because you just really can't deal is one thing. Missing loads of work (or every so often when you don't really NEED to) is another.

Sounds like this was one where you really couldn't deal. Tell yourself (if you can) that you're only making it worse, the funk, by kicking yourself and move on from there.

I'm glad you're feeling better today :> Maybe this was just what you needed.

[Atsiv]

I've missed work a couple of times. Usually I've gone in but gotten so upset that I'm crying or on the verge of tears and can't get calmed down enough to work. I've tried to be proactive and go to my boss with my union rep and talk though the incedent so I not be fearful at work. Not exactly the same as you but I try look to the future instead of the past. My meds *really*  help with that. I'm glad you're feeling better.

[LunaRufina]

You know, ''normal'' people do things like call into work when they realize that they are just heading for a shitty day or are overly stressed. A 'Mental Health Day' is not necessarily reserved for MI, though we have a tendency to need them more. I think sometimes we may push ourselves really really hard because there is that feeling 'Well, if I just think a little more positively. Just try to go to bed a little earlier. I must not be doing something right...'. 

But I agree with what everyone else said- if you really need a break, take it. You will get a lot of mileage out of a day of when you truly need it rather than trying to stick out several really difficult unproductive nerve wracking days.

The way I figure these things out and try to not beat myself up is when I try to do a cost benefit deal- how beneficial would it be for me to go into work vs me to not...

if it's better for my mental health, then it's just the right choice. It's not always that easy. Definately not, but I keep trying to tell myself that it's ok. And sometimes it works. I understand the intellectual vs umm.. emotional? [i think] thinking about these things.. I do that a lot...

I'm glad you are feeling better too.

~navy~

[Amethyst]

I know what you mean about people thinking we should be able to just get over it, which leads to our own bias in that direction. Don't give up on mind over matter, but just know that it can't do it 100% of the time. We have to give it all we got and sometimes that isn't enough but we have to do it anyway.

I do hope you're feeling better soon.

Ameth

[NARS]

I hit a really bad state on Saturday.  I missed much of the week two weeks ago because of a cold, and then suddenly last week I couldn't eat anything but saltines and ginger ale without getting the most exquisite pain in my stomach (no other symptoms!).  They ruled out bacteria, flu and gallstones so I made an appointment with the GI guy for this week.  Meanwhile I missed another 2 1/2 days last week. 

Wait, wait, this is relevant.  I freaked out not just because I'd missed several days when I'm under a lot of pressure.  I freaked because the pressure is there because I lost weeks to depression last summer and got far behind, and then lost another week in the fall when I hit a bad mixed-state and got even further behind, then have swung around until I recently got more even.  Each time I freaked because I felt such despair at having to be out sick so much.  Saturday I freaked because I'm just so fucking sick of being sick, whether it's mental or physical.  It's been one thing or another since I started my med changes last April. 

Anyhow, just wanted to let you know I know how much it sucks.  Try not to beat yourself up; the stress of guilt over missing work just makes your depression worse.  Try to cut yourself some slack.  You're doing the best you can, right?