So LONELY

[devon00]

Hi all,

I am just feeling so damn lonely today.

I have had so many dates in the past few years, but I just never find anyone who is right for me.

[LunaRufina]

I just wonder how you meet the people that you go on so many dates with?

I don't know how to handle a date. I think I may have been on two or three of them, but  I was never sure.  I always find it uncomfortable, because the trust thing is really hard to establish if what you start off with is ''this is someone who is a potential for a relationship''.  Which puts a lot of pressure on things.

I odn't know what to say- except that finding people, even friends, that you can confide in, is hard.  Especially if you have high standards [which is a good thing].  And it seems as though it might not be worth having high expectations sometimes or seem like you will find someone you can be with or connect with or love.

I have been surprised by good relationship. I know it may sound cliche, but it is true to an extent, I think- that it comes when you aren't looking. Because you have a sense of self and people are really attracted to that.

So... what am I saying...

''Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.''

Really, people do find eachother. I promise. But I am of the opinion that it is so much better to find eachother accidentally, and to be in your own element, in a good place, when it happens.  Concentrating on dating and NOT being single can make it harder.

It's really hard to not think about it though, when you are waiting and thinking about finding your 'someone'.

There are dating services and such, and i don't think those are bad or anything. I think those are good for some people. 

I don't know that any of this is wise or helpful.  But iI understand the feeling of trying to find someone that you can respect and understand and who understands you. It's difficult and rare. I think a lot of people settle- and it is hard work to stick it out and hold out for the kind of person you deserve.

[Breeze]

To make matters worse, this ex is getting married to the girl he rebounded from me with! 

This happened to me. It hurt A LOT. Dick head. And then she dumped HIM and he came back to me. Yeah....sure. He is WAY out of my life now.

I was well into my 30's and had given up on marriage. All my brothers and sisters were married with kids. To make matters worse, I sang in all their weddings. 

But it did happen. And I have never been happier. Yes - we are both MI. Yes, he has worse problems than I do. Yes we spend a lot of time dealing with our issues. But he is the smartest, funniest, most creative person I know. And I can't believe I lucked out.

It might not happen till your 60. Remember, in the big scheme of things, there is no time. Man invented it.  So patience, enjoy what you have and Navy is right. When it is supposed to happen - it will.

I SO get where you are coming from. Lonely Sundays, all your friends are busy. But remember too, that when that "Great Guy" comes along, a whole new life and and a whole new set of issues comes with him. ( see the alex and zon show)

Enjoy yourself now. You sound like a great person, and it will happen.

Just hope you are still here to share it with us.

Breeze

PS My "Main Dude" and I had dated 25 years prior to our getting together for good. So don't bypass the old dates. Sometimes the timing just isn't right.

[Sensation]

Hi all,

I am just feeling so damn lonely today.

I have had so many dates in the past few years, but I just never find anyone who is right for me.

[Neurotica]

Hi Devon,

I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.  I haven't got the sage practical advice like NavySurya or the inspirational story like Breeze.  I'm just another person like you missing my "other half" and shedding a few tears when confronted with the possibility of a future stuck in singlehood.  Settling is too common a practice--been there, done that--and I think we all deserve better.

If you're anything like me, you could probably use more meaningful hobbies and goals in your life.  Depression just sucks it all out of me and I often find myself wishing I had someone to lean on, someone to be strong for me and make it all seem worthwhile.  But I don't think it's wise to get emotionally dependent on others.  Better to acquire the skills for emotional independence first...then the rest will come more easily.

[devon00]

If you're anything like me, you could probably use more meaningful hobbies and goals in your life.

[CrazySoprano]

Devon~

I'm here, too.  Only one serious relationship.  It ended 5 years ago, and I haven't been in a relationship since, other than some short things.  I feel lonely and I don't think I'll ever meet anyone.  Maybe I'm just not meant to get married?  Doesn't mean that's the case for you, though.  At least you get to go on dates.

~CS

[devon00]

Hi CS,

Thanks for writing...it always seems like we have a lot in common

I get to go on dates, but it just feels so lonely.  I feel that there's no one like me in this whole city!  Maybe the whole world...  I am shy and it's so hard for me to feel comfortable with someone and "click" with them.  I feel self conscious a lot, even with my best friend who I've been friends with for for over half our lives.  So, as you can imagine, my shyness makes dating tough.  I'm a really awesome person, but I think that doesn't always come across because of my self doubts.

Anyway...let's hate men together 

[CrazySoprano]

Devon~

I think I understand what you mean.  I always say that I am "an acquired taste".  Really, I'm just weird and very few people understand me.  My best friend and a couple other people understand me pretty well, but they all live in different cities.  I don't think I've ever met a man who understood and appreciated me.

I'm a pretty awesome person, too, I think.  I love to do things for people--hand-made Christmas presents, calling just to say hello, things like that.  Most people don't really get all the love that goes into that.  I try so hard to be a good person.  I'm always trying to improve myself.  I never think I'm a good person.  I always think I'm not a good enough friend or that I hurt people without meaning to, and I'm constantly trying to be better.  I'm full of self-doubt, too.

I just wish someone out there would love me the way I could love them.

Yeah, we should hate men together.

~CS

[Neurotica]

Also, when I'm depressed it's hard for me to try new things and I get very discouraged.  It's nice for me to be in a relationship because usually they will encourage me to go out, try new things and be more social than I would be otherwise. 

Same thing happens with me.  I'm only adventurous when I'm with someone I trust, and I've only ever experienced that level of trust in a love relationship.  I'm a hermit when I'm not in a relationship (I've been a hermit for quite a while now!). 

I'm too socially anxious and need someone comfortable and familiar nearby to take the edge off.  So not having that someone leads to more isolation, which contributes to the depression, which make me feel even less like socializing.  Such a viciously sucky cycle, isn't it?  Or suckily vicious...I couldn't decide which phrase had the greater impact.

[devon00]

Me too.  That's it exactly!  I'm only adventurous if I have someone to encourage me.  So that's why it's so hard for me to be single...life just becomes so repetitive...the same thing week after week with no end in sight.

[CeruleanBlue]

Being single leaves me feeling so empty.  Please give me some hope that there may be someone else out there for me.

I'm here to give you hope! I'm telling you there is hope!!!

No, really.  I can totally sympathize with what you are going through, because it took me SOOOOO long to get married (didn't happen till I was 41.)  I could go on for hours about the HORRIBLE experiences I had with the guys I "dated" (and I use the word date loosely, as most of them were not formal/nice enough to merit the word, in my opion.)

For years and years, I had no idea how I was going to make it through my whole life alone--I seriously  thought I might never meet anyone.  I can't tell you how much money I spent on therapy over that one issue.  Therapists told me that I could be alone and happy, but honestly, I never was.  I was also clinically depressed, and this was like 15 years ago, before there were really good meds.  Finally, I also had (and sadly, continue to have) major career problems, so I didn't have that area to retreat to.  Oh, and also, I moved around the country with my career, and I never seemed to have a good support network, or just as I developed one, I would have to move. 

Worst of all, I despaired because therapists told me that I had to like myself and be happy before I could meet "the one."  Well, I'm here to tell you that I was NOT all that happy and STILL don't totally like myself--but I did FINALLY meet someone, at the ripe old age of 35.  (I think God finally threw up his hands and said "Okay, this woman has suffered enough.  I'm going to find a man for her.") 

Now, when I met my now-husbnd, I was not sure at first that it could work.  Both of us had/have all kinds of baggage that gave me pause.  Once you get into your 30's, I do think it

[CrazySoprano]

Devon, how are you doing?

~CS

[devon00]

Thank you, CeruleanBlue and Crazy Soprano and everyone else for your nice posts.

I am feeling a little bit better but still sorta wonder if I won't find anyone.

I am beginning to think maybe I come across as too eager early in a relationship.  It's just that I really do hope to find the right person and maybe I am impatient to find out "where it's going" sometimes?  I don't like to "take it slow" and "see where it goes."

The longest and best relationship I had came about after I told the guy that I "(didn't) want a boyfriend."  I wasn't playing games--at that time I actually didn't want a boyfriend!  So guess what, the guy ends up doing anything to convince me to let him be my boyfriend.  And we dated for 3 years.  I think I've made things too easy for the guys in my life, and therefore they don't take me as seriously.  I'm not just talking about sex, either...it's more about being easygoing and available whenever they want me.

Then again, I dunno.  I'm reading Why Men Love Bitches right now, and that's making me wonder if I've been approaching dating wrong. 

[grousemouse]

i'm sure there's a book out there called 'why women love assholes' too.

that's not a dig at what you're saying at all, it's just something i've noticed. the more desirable the woman, the bigger the asshole she's dating.

but i'm probably just a tad biased cos i've been on one date in my life.

and that was a thousand years ago.

grouse.

[sepia]

the more desirable the woman, the bigger the asshole she's dating.

Oh, man.  I must be terribly undesirable, then.   

(I still love you, Grouse. )

[CrazySoprano]

Maybe that's my problem.  I want a boyfriend.  I'm emotionally ready for a boyfriend.  I'm not emotionally ready to clean my bedroom, but I'm ready for a boyfriend, dammit!  And I'm in love with a guy who's not emotionally ready for a relationship of any kind.

<screams into the oblivion of outer space>

WHY???????????

Ok, I'm done now.  Goodnight!

~CS very very very single

[ldo]

I felt very lonely for many years. I thought I would never have a girlfriend. I thought it was something outside me, but it was really me. At some point I had enough confidence, did better with the personals, and then several women wanted to date me. I was with my first real girlfriend for 10 years! It's tempting, because of the way we broke up, to say it wasn't worth it, but I guess it was. Perhaps I might have been better off if it had been shorter. I learned a lot, but might have been able to find someone a bit easier to deal with.

Apparently, my confidence or something improved a lot, because it really wasn't very much trouble to find someone else much nicer, and just as smart. Although it takes confidence or something, you can be depressed and still find someone. My current g.f. was a bit depressed when I met her, at least at tiimes, and I was a little bit, too.  Or, at least, I was dealing with death of one parent, nasty behavior of the other, and aftermath of old g.f. dumping me. (Shortly after Mom's death, mind you.) Perhaps the meds help get rid of some of the tendency to beat oneself up.

I wonder if I shouldn't have held off and dated for longer, but my current g.f. seemed just right, and still does.

Anyway, I think if you're ready for an s.o., you will probably find one. (Assuming you don't live on top of a mountain or something.)

If you use personals, it may help to have some real insight into yourself, and then to translate that insight into something amusing in your profile. Worked for me. Once I did this, it seemed that the people who answered my ad were more interesting than the ones I found.

A relationship isn't going to fix your life. I'm currently quite anxious about my upcoming financial demise and still can't seem to devote enough energy to job search.  But I'm certainly much happier because I have my new s.o.

Perhaps the really important factor when dating is to feel that it's not the end of the world if things don't work out. If you can relax that much, then perhaps you can enjoy yourself, be funny, etc. That will make you  much more attractive. It may also allow you to run like hell when things don't seem right, instead of trying to make something doomed work out because that's all you'r ever going to get.

If you get another relationship going, it's NOT going to be quite like the old one. That little universe is gone. But other, pleasant ones are possible.

It's just baloney that there's only one person out there. Unless, perhaps, you are Siamese twins looking for another pair of Siamese twins for simultaneous screwing. That might be tough. Oh, and I guess that would be two people anyway, wouldn't it?

[grousemouse]

ido, you put so much great insight and advice into a post that i can't respond to it now. but thank you for your input.

the more desirable the woman, the bigger the asshole she's dating.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Oh, man.  I must be terribly undesirable, then.   

(I still love you, Grouse. )

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

'twould take the asshole of the world to meet up to you, miss. and strangely enough that is a compliment.

lol.

grouse.