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My so-called PTSD 2 happened when I was in high school. Now, who can Molest a 16 year old? It happened to me. He was twice my age. He cultivated my trust. I felt so hated and abused by my parents and kids at school- he was my only friend. When he wanted to have sex (I was a virgin) I did it and kept doing it, because it did feel good and because I wanted to make my one friend happy.

Then I wanted to break up with him because I knew it was wrong, but I kept doing it because he was the only one who could give me a ride to school. How's that for a reason to sleep with someone? I just couldn't break it. I was 17.

He ended up drugging me, raping me and doing disgusting things while I was passed out, and putting it on the Internet. He did get put in jail for 2 years, after I testified. I was totally terrified and still live in fear of his stalking.

But why did I let this happen? Why couldn't I protect myself and dump him? I feel responsible and that has caused the PTSD just as much as the horrible things that happened.

loon

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He ended up drugging me, raping me and doing disgusting things while I was passed out, and putting it on the Internet. He did get put in jail for 2 years, after I testified. I was totally terrified and still live in fear of his stalking.

But why did I let this happen? Why couldn't I protect myself and dump him? I feel responsible and that has caused the PTSD just as much as the horrible things that happened.

loon

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

All victims feel responsible. It's part of the package. The trick is knowing it's a lie, and putting the responsibility back where it belongs.

That's awesome that you testifed and he went to jail. That right there tells you who was responsible.

It's tough coming to grips with bad choices made at any age. But at 16? Show yourself some kindness, you were still a child. I allowed molestation by a close family member at that age, because I was paralyzed and confused and just generally all fucked up. Plus it was someone very close to me and I trusted him and the whole surrealness of it caused me to dissociate and basically pretend like it wasn't even happening in the first place.

16-17 is still a kid. Give yourself a break.

Hugs,

S9

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You didn't "let" this happen. It happened and the fault belongs entirely on the perpetrator. Just because you trust someone doesn't make it your fault for bad things happening. You had no control over the situation. It was that very trust that made it hard for you to end things.

I must reinforce that you did nothing wrong and this is not your fault!

Hugs,

Ameth

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WOW, Loon. Your story could have SO been me. In fact, it almost sounds like it could be the same guy.

When I moved to California right before 11th grade, I started babysitting for the neighbors. The guy and I became friends. I was SO lonely being yanked away from my boyfriend and my school..etc. I really liked having a friend.

His wife pretty much had no personality, so she and I bonded not at all.

Sometimes I would go over to his house once school had started, and we would hang out with the kids and watch Disney films.

One night I was babysitting so they could go to some function. His wife was upstairs getting dressed, and he came down the stairs, walked over to me, and just started kissing me. It was one of the most guilt-ridden things of my entire life. I mean, COME ON! His WIFE was upstairs!

He was a photographer so he had odd hours. He started picking me up from school, taking me to his house, talking with me and then kissing me. The feelings were SO conflicting. Part of me was SO thrilled with the attention. And part of me felt SO guilty and I knew it was wrong. Luckily I resisted advancing further, and he complied. But one time he took me away from his kid's birthday party to take me out to I don't know what. He ended up touching my breasts and to me, that was crossing the line. I asked him to take me back and I never talked to him again.

Loon, we were kids. We were lonely. We were NOT emotionally capable of making such decisions as these. All we wanted was a little acceptance. Something that we didn't have at the time. Our home life-shit. Why WOULDN'T we accept someone's affections? Why WOULDN'T we feel deperate to KEEP those feelings of acceptance and friendship? Did we allow things to happen that were not good ideas? Well, that's how it ended up. Loon, even if YOU made the advances, there should be no guilt. Even if you enjoyed it for a minute, there should be no guilt. We were manipulated. We trusted untrustworthy people. People who took advantage of us. People who took advantage of us because we were vulnerable.

So, let's say that I slept with this guy. What would you think about me? Would you think I should feel guilty? Would you think I would be justified in beating myself up about it? If not, apply that to you. I have BEEN where you are. I don't think that you should feel guilty. I think the only thing that kept me from sleeping with him is that I was trying to maintain a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend 1000 miles away. You didn't even have that to cling to.

We let this happen because we just wanted to be loved. Did you feel loved by your parents? I know I sure the hell didn't. We were just lonely kids. And we found someone who seemed to care about us. Loon, you didn't want to let that go. You didn't want to lose the affection that he showed you. You were desperate for it. You wanted to keep it. That's why. And this is why we didn't protect ourselves either. We were reaching out for something that had been DENIED to us by the people who were responsible for giving us the affection we got from these sickos. I felt the pull, too. I wanted things to go back to the way they were...us just talking and having a good time. But to keep that, I had to go further than I wanted to. Just like you. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't my fault. It just was. Let it go, sweetie. He's not worth it. Forgive yourself.

Sam

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You're all so right and real. I tell myself this over and over again, and still feel like a dirty whore who seduced two of my mother's boyfriends and all that...

it is a trick of this disorder. Your stories are inspirational to me that we can win.

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