imfinethanksfornotasking Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 there's seriously something wrong with me and a part of that is not really knowing or accepting what that means. like i have isolated myself from the few friends i had (unfulfilling and empty relationships anyway, but at least some social interaction), cut back on work so that i'm barely there at all (yet i still would like to quit), nearly dropped out of college (even though this is like my "last chance" to get it right), and in a nutshell i find that i get little enjoyment out of anything at all. but i am too bored and anxious to stay at home and sleep all the time, though it is the only thing that i seem to enjoy anymore. and when i get out of the house it's just plain frustrating because nothing matters and nobody is around, i seriously can't think of one person i'd really like to talk to or be with. i just want to be alone and unconscious. i don't feel like i'm doing much of living and i've always been so glad to not be suicidal and i don't think i'm not suicidal, i just hate being alive and hate feeling nothing, like what is even the point of being afraid to die when all i want to do is sleep anyway - which is not much of living. and i've thought i wish i would hurt myself, not to die or anything, but just to feel some pain but the thing about that is, i can't think of anything i could do where it would hurt and then stop hurting when i want it to. see i am such a baby haha. i want to hurt but just for a little while. and the regular things like cutting and such, would last too long. so i really don't know what is wrong with me or why. things are no more or less bad as they've ever been. but everyone in my family is crazy so i guess maybe i'm starting to accept my fate and i'm losing the will to fight it. i can't be normal or functioning no matter how much i try to pretend. it only lasts so long, being able to act, and then i just get tired. and i've had to do it for so long now that i'm burning out. but i don't know if it's depression or not. i have very little understanding of what it means to feel much of anything and no matter what i feel i cry, so all the feelings just become one and the same, indistinguishable from each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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