what IS "depression"?

[imfinethanksfornotasking]

there's seriously something wrong with me and a part of that is not really knowing or accepting what that means.  like i have isolated myself from the few friends i had (unfulfilling and empty relationships anyway, but at least some social interaction), cut back on work so that i'm barely there at all (yet i still would like to quit), nearly dropped out of college (even though this is like my "last chance" to get it right), and in a nutshell i find that i get little enjoyment out of anything at all.  but i am too bored and anxious to stay at home and sleep all the time, though it is the only thing that i seem to enjoy anymore.  and when i get out of the house it's just plain frustrating because nothing matters and nobody is around, i seriously can't think of one person i'd really like to talk to or be with.  i just want to be alone and unconscious.  i don't feel like i'm doing much of living and i've always been so glad to not be suicidal and i don't think i'm not suicidal, i just hate being alive and hate feeling nothing, like what is even the point of being afraid to die when all i want to do is sleep anyway  - which is not much of living.  and i've thought i wish i would hurt myself, not to die or anything, but just to feel some pain but the thing about that is, i can't think of anything i could do where it would hurt and then stop hurting when i want it to.  see i am such a baby haha.  i want to hurt but just for a little while.  and the regular things like cutting and such, would last too long.

so i really don't know what is wrong with me or why.  things are no more or less bad as they've ever been.  but everyone in my family is crazy so i guess maybe i'm starting to accept my fate and i'm losing the will to fight it.  i can't be normal or functioning no matter how much i try to pretend.  it only lasts so long, being able to act, and then i just get tired.  and i've had to do it for so long now that i'm burning out.  but i don't know if it's depression or not.  i have very little understanding of what it means to feel much of anything and no matter what i feel i cry, so all the feelings just become one and the same, indistinguishable from each other.

[grousemouse]

well for starters, congratulations on winning the 'longest username' contest. we've been waiting for a winner for some time now.

now on to far more important matters. your description of how you feel and think has some similarities to that for a person suffering from depression. BUT, have you ever been to a doctor to talk about this? are you on any medications? have you had your thyroid checked? hypothyroidism (underactive thyroid gland) can produce some symptoms similar to some of those found in people suffering from depression.

you have come to a good place for support. welcome to the boards.

grousemouse.

[Shinkei]

Welcome.

Whatever you are describing sounds nasty, and I'm pretty sure you don't like it, whether it's a depressive disorder or not.

What's depression? Basically, a disease characcterised by depressed mood or loss of pleasure/enjoyment, whatever (they call it anhedonia). Then you can also get some other symptoms, like appetite loss, energy loss, etc. Then you can get all these diseases based around this.

I can relate especially to the not wanting to go out, and just wanting to sleep all day, but not die. But not live either. And with the cutting, or whatever, my personal philosophy is actually doing it and wanting to do it are just as bad as each other.

As grousemouse said, I think you should go see someone about it, because depression is itself a symptom of many other disorders, not just depressive ones, and they all need different treatments. You may need anti depressants and therapy for major depressive disorder, or mood stabaliser for bipolar. Maybe you need insulin because you're diabetic. Who knows? A doctor can, by doing various tests, and hearing you out. You never know all this shit could be caused by anemia. (or my fear, brain cancer!). Or depression can be a result of not being able to cope with another disorder, as say, autism.

When I complained to a friend about my 'symptoms', thinking it's probably not any illness, she said "why feel like shit, when you could be feeling so much better?". That's my theory, if you feel crap, find out what's doing it, or try to get rid of it, even if it may not be a physical/mental whatever disease, just an error in cognition or something.

Now it personally bothers me when people say something like what you posted is normal. Sure, it is in minute amounts, or in a reaction to something bad happening, sure it is, but not 24/7! (and technically, for two weeks or more ). Even if it was normal, if it bothers you, get help for it.

Good luck, and I hope you feel better ASAP

[Jemini]

I'm not saying this to be blatantly contrary, but depression is not a disease. Yes, hormone/transmitter irregularities can trigger depression, sometimes as a result of malnutrition and in fairly uncommon cases (at least as far as any concrete evidence has shown) due to genetic abnormalities. More typically it is a normal reaction to life, which all people are capable of and 1 in 4 will experience very significantly in their life. Even though it's a natural response, in many cases it is maladaptive or excessive and treatment is warranted. Depression can result from any major stressor that requires you to reorganize your mind and your perspective of life in some way, including even "good stressors" like getting married or having kids. It can also result from being overextended, when you've burned out expending so much energy that your system finally "realizes" that this energy output is unsustainable, and shuts down to reorganize.

Reorganization happens both in the mind, processing thoughts, values, feelings, and making a new sense of things, and in the brain, rewiring neural nets. Some would say these are the same thing, as the mind and brain are in some ways mirrors of each other, but still you can think of the mind differently than you can think of the brain. Actually depression even affects the body as a whole, as mind/brain/body are interconnected.

The effects of depression are all adaptations aimed at limiting energy expenditure and limiting outward, seeking behaviors. You could think of it as your world view, your model of reality (which is what the brain and mind are for), is closing for renovations. While this is happening, it is ideal not to be burning a lot of energy and pursuing things externally, so depression typically includes a decreased libido, slowed metabolism, reduce interest in hobbies and creative pursuits, etc. This is a process which we are most familiar with as grief, as in the case of losing a loved one. But it isn't limited to this, it can happen whenever life as you know it requires a massive overhaul of perspective.

It sounds like you may have sunk into depression because of burning out on the energy needed to "be normal," which seems like an epidemic of modern life. Or possibly you've burned out on meeting some expectations of yourself that aren't reasonable. That's what I get from your second paragraph. In this situation, it's often hard to see what the trigger was, as burnout is a long, slow stressor, and so it may seem as if nothing has recently changed to warrant depression. In this case what has changed is that you've passed your limit, which is sometimes just a matter of time.

If you can sit with what you're experiencing, maybe find good people to talk to about it (there are a lot of good people here), you may find a lot of value in what you're experiencing, may learn about the things underlying your burnout. I'm a strong advocate of awareness and mindfulness as healing forces. However if you are being seriously debilitated by depression, such that you can't maintain things essential to your life, like a job or relatinoships that are important to you, there are a lot of medications that can help you feel better. For that you should talk to a psychiatrist.

[imfinethanksfornotasking]

i've been in therapy for 2.5 years and the same pdoc for a year and a half and i don't seem to be able to communicate very well with either of them.  i feel that i do but my tdoc always makes comments about how i don't say much and need prodding, etc, etc, but i think i'm more open than i ever am with anyone else so it seems like a lot to me.

as far as meds i feel a bit hopeless.  i've tried prozac (ineffective), zoloft (pissed me off), effexor (couldn't sleep through the night, was tired all day), paxil cr (slept all the time), lexapro (ineffective) -- and all of them even those considered ineffective caused me to feel even more that nothing matters.  almost depression inducing in a way.  i've not been dx'd with depression just generalized anxiety, panic disorder, and adhd, so have been on ritalin (worked well), strattera (helped anxiety not adhd, and made me tired a lot), and clonazepam.  not to mention sleep help or 'mood' help from low doses of seroquel, abilify, and zyprexa.  everything makes me so damn TIRED.  i don't need to be more tired.

anyway i don't know what else i could take to help since everything makes me tired and the point is that i need to get my ass out of bed every day and stop sleeping so much.  the only thing that makes me feel any better is clonazepam at 4 times the dose prescribed (and only a couple times a week-- don't worry the prescribed dose is only .5 mg).  and even that only lasts about 2 hours.  i thought it was supposed to last all day or at least several hours.  nothing works like it should.  i don't know what to try.  and every time i go in to the pdoc i need to wait another 3 months to see him so in the meantime everything just gets worse and id on't have the patience for this shit anymore.  i just feel like i have to do something drastic and i don't have that luxury right now in my life to lose it. 

so i just suffer and things get worse and worse as time goes on.

[grousemouse]

to paraphrase jemini, Depression is a 'disorder', not a 'disease'.

from wikipedia: "a disorder is a condition that disturbs normal functioning" while a disease is "a condition of abnormal functioning."

although i'm thinking that for you the distinction is irrelevant. as shinkei said, "Whatever you are describing sounds nasty, and I'm pretty sure you don't like it, whether it's a depressive disorder or not."

HAVE you had your thyroid checked? a doc should check that as a matter of course when dealing with someone exhibiting depressive symptoms, but if you have not been diagnosed with a depressive disorder then perhaps that test hasn't been done.

grouse.

[Cerberus]

Hi.

[imfinethanksfornotasking]

well- this whole (possible) depression thing has just come on in the last month or two, or maybe kind of gradually over the last year.  but the past few weeks have been really hard.  i feel that nothing will help me.  and that sometimes i totally deny anything's wrong and i rationalize it, not intentionally, it just depends on my mood, like i tell myself there's nothing wrong with wanting to be alone or wanting some peace or wanting to rest.  haha.  so anyway, blah.  i just went in to my pdoc last week and at the time was feeling fine so i said as much.  it's so weird that when i'm feeling ok, i totally forget what it feels like the other 90% of the time. 

[grousemouse]

it's so weird that when i'm feeling ok, i totally forget what it feels like the other 90% of the time.

this was me in my early twenties. ten years late i sought proper help and was diagnosed with MDD.

something to think about?

grouse.